Most people don't realize they are in abusive relationships. Or they don't want to admit it because once a person admits it, then they need to do something about it. I'm not a professional therapist. I'm just a girl who has been through it (not just with my ex husband, but other people in my life as well) and I have a heart for those hurting in this way. Sometimes I hear people mention little things about their relationship to me. I wonder if it is a cry for help or if they are just talking. It's hard to walk up to someone and ask them if they need help if you aren't 100% sure. Either they wouldn't know what you are talking about, or they will get mad and defensive. People don't like talking about it. So if you know me and ever want to talk about it, please do. I would love to grab a coffee and listen. I complied a list of signs from my life, and from all my reading and studying other smarter people's opinions. 

-You have communication problems. Your feelings are never heard. It's always about them. Do you completely avoid topics? Do you spend more time figuring out how to word something than actually having the conversation?

-You make excuses for them about the way they treat you. All relationships have times when one is going through a difficult or stressful time. At that time yes the other partner might not be on their best behavior towards those closest to them. But stress at work, family or friends should never be an excuse to tear down your partner. There is a huge difference between discussing a issue your partner has in order to help them be better, and tearing them apart for every little thing.

-Between the times they are tearing you down are they overly nice to you? It's confusing. One day they can be screaming and hate you. But the next it's overly sweet and romantic. 

-They never admit they have a problem. The way you feel is always your fault. Sometimes the way they treat you is so minor it's hard to verbalized without feeling like you are being petty, so it's easy to believe you are the issue. 

-They won't see a therapist with you, or they fake who they are for the therapist. It's very normal to have issues. Needing some therapy or a third party to talk with is not a bad thing. It's a huge red flag if your partner will not go to counseling with you. Your partner should be willing to work on whatever needs to be worked on for a successful marriage. If one is unhappy, the other should be willing to figure out why and how to help.

-You constantly feel you are walking on eggshells. If you say or do one slightly 'wrong' thing it will cause a war. They will manipulate anything you say against you. Basically no matter how hard you try, there will be a fight and nothing you say will ever be right.

-They are obsessed with control. They have to get their way and run every aspect of both m your lives. If they are not getting their way, they make everyone around them miserable.

-They have no empathy, for you or your feelings or anyone else's. The only thing that matters is how they feel. And if you are the one with a crisis in your life, they will somehow turn it around to their crisis. You will then be comforting and taking care of them when you are the one needing comfort.

-There is a 'dark cloud' over you too. When people are around you they can feel the tension. They don't like it, so most people avoid both of you. Normally people close to you can more objectively see there is a problem before the ones involved because their emotions aren't tied to it. It's hard to tell someone you love you think they are being abused. It's easier to pull away from that person then have a hard conversation that might be taken badly.

-Is your relationship 50/50? Common marriage advice is that marriages are 100/100. When one person is having a issue (like a sickness or loss of a job) the other should pick up the slack. Get a job, do more around the house. Because in life pretty sure eventually the tables will turn and your partner will pick up your slack when you are sick or out of work. In a healthy marriage both work hard to do everything for the other. But if your partner doesn't put in their half, but they expect you to put in not just your half, but their half too. An abusive relationship is more like 100/0.  

If you feel these describe your relationship. You need help. Your partner needs help. However if they will not admit it and refusing help. There is nothing you can do. It's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve them to treat you this way. You have probably spend many years convincing yourself that it is normal. Many people believe because they married them means they have to stay married and deal with it. Each person has to get to the point where they feel leaving is right. People can tell them that they need to leave. But if they didn't make that decision for themselves, they will end up taking them back. I know, as someone who lived with an abusive person for years it's not easy. There will be some hard months after you've made the decision and leave. But there is a great deal of real joy and freedom you will experience after freeing yourself from the chains of an abusive relationship.