I grew up abused sexually and mentally. I don't say this to accuse or try to hurt my abusers. No, I won't mention any names or any details that would tie back to them. I promise whoever you are thinking, you are wrong. I'm not writing for revenge or to hurt other people. I write this to help others in similar situations. Or people who don't have a clue and don't understand why some people act the way they do. I read so many self help books but none of them ever helped me. So I feel the need to share my process. 

Through my traumatic experiences I had taught my mind to shut down and block out what was happening. I got very good at it. So good that most of those moments I did not remember until I was married and I started having flash backs.  Before then I honestly had no memory of what happened until something would feel 'similar'. The memories came flooding back and I had severe panic attacks. I was to remember what happened and learn to deal with it.  Even this week I remembered an event that I had repressed. 

Sex was excruciatingly painful. I knew the first time was suppose to hurt and be uncomfortable. But it never got better. When I mentioned to my Dr it wasn't possible, she sent me to sex physical therapy. It took several months for me to get up the nerve to go. But I'm glad I did. I'll spare the details, but if you are having these issues ask your doctor. The first question the therapist asked was if I was abused. She said most of her patients are sexual abuse victims. They build up scar tissue that won't stretch like its suppose too. This can happen even to girls who were never touched inside. 

Sex was physically possible after I finished the therapy. I didnt just not enjoy it, I hated it. I still had panic attacks. We had figured out how to just get it done to try for a baby. We thought that once I had a baby it would fix itself (because of things the dr had told me about my issue). Looking back It seems I knew something was still very wrong with my marriage. Even if I couldn't put my finger on what it was. My mind was still in survival mode and shutting down to protect myself.

I felt Sam just gave up. He acted like he did not care we had a sexless marriage. Looking back he probably didn't want to push me to open up to him when he was hiding so much from me. After we split up I told myself I wouldn't marry again unless we had worked through my sex issue together. I didn't want another relationship that lacked sex. It's a very important aspect of a relationship. I needed a man who was willing to encourage and push me through to help me learn sex is a good thing. If the whole world is obsessed with sex it had to be a good thing. I wanted it. 

Jason was that man. He didn't understand even though he tried. He would get frustrated and mad. But that's ok, cause I would get just as mad and frustrated. We did not just brush it under the rug. We worked hard on it and talked it to death. It didn't take as long as I thought it would. My mind still reverts back and remembers things I had repressed and I shut down. Jason is not a man I need to protect myself from. I refuse to be with Jason when my mind is shutting down, I want to be present with him in the moment, I don't need to fear him. One thing he would always say to me when I was panicking, "it's just you and me" he would talk to me so all I would hear was his voice and could focus on him. When we got our promise rings that engraved on the inside of his. My panic attacks get fewer and father between the longer we are together. 

Sexual abuse is real. It's tough. There is much more to it than the actually act being raped. If you have never been abused in that way you can't fully understand how it impacts every aspect of your life, not just the physical. The statistics are high, most people have been abused in some way. So you are not alone. It is not your fault. You do not need to be ashamed. There is ways to get help. You can get through it and be a survivor instead of a victim. PTSD is real and hard to deal with, it's ok to need help.

Another aspect of abuse is mental and emotional. It frustrates me to no end that it's not a kind of relationship that can be legally stopped. It's one persons word against another. It can't be proven. But it happens. It's harder to get help. Most cases you don't even realize it's happening before its to late. You don't have to go through it alone. You can share what's happening with a friend or other adult. They can walk through it with you even if there isn't a way to get you out of the situation.