She Found Her Wings

I remember what would have been my five year anniversary with Sam. I had planned a 5 year party. It would celebrate our coming out the other side of our struggles together. But there was no party. Instead I was alone in a empty house. We were going through a nasty divorce and I was an emotional wreck. I was hurting more than I could have ever imagined. I took the day off work, wallowed, cried, drank, and I cuddled my puppy. This past week we would have celebrated ten years. What a difference time and healing makes. I treated myself to fancy coffee on the way to work. No tears this day, it was actually a fantastic day. After work we had a family dinner out and some shopping. 

I have most of everything deleted on social media of my life with Sam because of the “on this day” feature. I don’t want to be reminded of that time. And honestly a lot of my posts looking back I see the lies I believed and it makes me mad how blinded by love I was. (Did everyone see it but me? Or were we all fooled?) I had been tagged in wedding pictures ten years ago that popped up this week. It was nice to look back and see. I loved my dress, my friends and the memories. But it was also a little sad looking back and knowing it was all a big lie.  I wish I could know what the hell was going through his mind in the pictures I saw this week. Because I am no longer emotionally attached to Sam or the situation I am able to look back without is destroying my emotional health.

Unlike my broken hearted five year “anniversary” this year I was able to look back and what my life could have been, and I be grateful for being able to get out. I don’t think remembering my past is bad. Certain dates were always important to me, I won’t and can’t just forget those dates. Look at my life now. It’s a dream come true. Sure there are issues with my life, marriage and family like everyone else’s, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. If I hadn’t been through what I experienced, I wouldn’t appreciate what I have as much.

When I was a kid I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a professional dancer. I had the teachers behind me telling me I could do it. My life was planned in my head. But when I developed juvenile bunions that all changed. My Dr said I had to stop dancing. I refused. All dancers had feet problems and pain. It came with the territory. I lived with it for years just lots of pain pills. (With the Drs directions) Then one summer at dance camp I realized my bunions had gotten so bad I couldn't even do a single turn. The youngest kids there were doing triples and  crazy stuff and my balance was so off from my deformed feet I couldn't do the simplest thing without falling out of it. It was humiliating and heart breaking. I could handle the pain, I'm tough. But you can't fake balance. 

I laid in bed for about 6 months mad at the world while I recovered from two reconstructive surgeries. I struggled with God. I had these plans, what was I going to do now. I didn't have a clue. I had no purpose or reason to live. Eventually I got a strong feeling of peace and clarity that could only be from God. The purpose for my life is to be a mother and to help with the youth in some sort of way. 

That was good and all. But it doesn't give me a direction to work towards career wise. Being a mom doesn't pay the bills. You don't go to school to learn to hang out with teenagers. I was homeschooled. Honestly the only good thing I can say about homeschooling is I got to work full time through high school. It was a horrible experience for me. So when I got to college to get my useless degree I was so unprepared I drowned. I had no preparation or idea what I was doing. I have a great brain. I know I am not stupid, but I can't do anything scholarly because I had never had any experience or training. So after one year I dropped out. I didn't really want to, but there was no way I could have completed it. 

I got married to Sam the next year. I had a job. We had plans. I wanted to have two kids by the time I turned 30. Sam and I would be celebrating our 10 year anniversary now. And we would be youth pastors somewhere. God had told me I was going to be a mother. But we couldn't get pregnant. Then you know the rest of the story. Miscarriage and a nasty divorce.

Well I’m turning 30 tomorrow and none of what I had pictured for my life happened.  I was divorced by the time I turned 25. Most people at that age are just getting married and I was getting divorced. That “picture perfect” life I had pictured for myself didn’t happen. And I am so thankful for that. That life would have looked beautiful on the outside. But I would have felt dead and lonely. Instead I have a messy looking life. But it is real and exactly what I never knew I wanted. My messy life I now have is more beautiful than any fairytale I could ever have dreamed up.

Instead I have a real life relationship with Jason. One I never have to doubt. We have had huge fights. And sometimes we are the worst communicators. The other night we accidentally woke Peyton up with our fighting. After we finished our ‘discussion’ Jason said we needed to go in and talk to Peyton. He took the lead and told Peyton everything was ok. He explained to her that mommy and daddy sometimes fight, and apologized to her and me. And that we will always love each other. Peyton crossed her arms and said to him, “You made my mommy cry. You need to be nice to her. It’s ok mommy, I told him to be nice to you.” How we did not bust out laughing I don’t know. It didn’t matter that I was the one who might have been wrong, and may have overreacted. I totally won the “discussion” because of Peyton’s reaction. 

We got to go out last night without a kid. The first time in what seemed like forever. We got to take off our parent hats and just be complete goofballs. I texted my friends that I had forgotten how hilarious my husband could be. My life might not be the fairytale my 12 year old self pictured. But I won’t change where I am for the world. I’m excited to see what the next 30 years brings on.

One of my best friends had a baby girl just a few months before I had Peyton. We had plans of doing all the little girl things together with our princesses. Harleigh was diagnosed with Zellweger Syndrome soon after she was born. She was only with us for 5 months and 5 days. 

When I heard what she was being diagnosed with I started googling. Jason found me on the couch with my laptop crying so hard I couldn't talk. When he asked me what was going on, all I could say was, "she is going to die". It was a hard struggle for everyone to deal with the reality of the situation. I talked to my friend every day (annoyed her to death with my love haha). I was with her every chance I had. Never once did I hear her complain or blame God.

I asked my friend how she could remain so strong in her faith through all of this. I wasn't even the one dealing with it and I had basically given up on God. She said people told her stories about how they were coming back to church and their faith because of Harleigh's life. I didn't understand why wouldn't God just heal Harleigh? How much more of a testimony would God have in that situation? 

Everyone was praying for a miracle. I did for a while, but it it seemed hopeless I gave up. I didn't want to speak to God. Maybe it was a lack of faith, maybe not. I'm I don't know. All I could do was pray for my friends and their strength and their faith. I tried to be supportive and positive on the outside, but inside I was furious. I had made my way back to church and my faith without an innocent baby dying. I held onto that selfish thought for about two years. Then it hit me like a brick wall about two years after her death. An innocent baby did die for me to have faith. That baby might not have been an infant when he died. But Jesus was innocent and he died for me. Man am I selfish or what? 

My friend announced she was pregnant again. She is delivered another baby girl this summer. There were risks since it is a genetic disease. We were all scared but hopeful. We were all praying for a perfectly healthy baby. This time I was asking God for that miracle. I was begging God not to ask my friends to walk down that impossible road twice. This time I believed God would perform a miracle. I would not give up this time. And if He didn't  give us the outcome we were begging for, I was praying for everyone's faith. That we could all understand that Gods ways are better than ours. He can see the big picture, all we can see is ourselves.

Baby sister was born a week ago. Completely perfect. We serve an awesome and loving God. He always sends a rainbow after a storm.

I have struggled hard with this post. I'm not sure how much is to much to share because I want this blog to be completely anonymous. It's not about hurting someone else's reputation, but about sharing my experiences in hopes others who are hurting alone will talk to someone and get the help they need. I have been working on this one for so long, but I keep rewriting and changing it. Then I decide not to even post it at all. But I have talked to a struggling friend, I know I have to post. So sorry, for the length, and the ugly personal details. I hope my point comes across. It's my soapbox I get passionate about and ramble. 

Good people sometimes do bad things, it doesn't make them a bad person. Sometimes they might not even realize what they said or did is so wrong. I have been abused by multiple people. Maybe they knew what they were doing. But few I honestly believe they did not realize what they were doing was wrong. Everyone responds to abuse differently. I learned to disassociate myself with it. My mind would shut down and I wouldn't be there mentally. Honestly it was only when I was married and starting to have sex with Sam did I have flashbacks and even remember I was abused as a young child. 

I had this friend through preteen years who knew most of the struggles I was going through at home and how it affected me. Eventually he became my boyfriend. We told each other we loved each other. For two clueless teenagers, I believe we did love each other for the age we were. I was 16 when we had our first kiss. You can imagine what happened when you put a broken insecure girl, the deepness of our friendship, and teenage boy going through puberty. While he never forced himself on me. He never seemed to hear when I tried to tell him about how I did not like what we were doing. So I quit trying to fight him. My mind would disengage like it had trained itself to do during my childhood abuse. So wether he realized he was able to manipulate me because he knew what my insecurities were or not. (Which I don't believe he had a clue.) It doesn't matter. It happened. I lost valuable pieces of myself wasn't ready to give away.

A year after I got married my childhood abuser, drove many hours just to take me to breakfast and apologized for everything that happened. He didn't have to do this. He changed and took responsibility for his actions. Does it change what he did? Nope. But I will tell you what it did do. It made it easier for me to heal. Forgiving was easier. Which in turn made working though the issues with my counselor easier. The damage was done, the scars and issues are there that I will always deal with. I did not really respond when he apologized, I was shocked. I wasn't prepared for that. Honestly I had only recently begun to remember the abuse and at the beginning stages of working through it. I know how rare and fortunate I am to have gotten a sincere apology. But it was very much appreciated no matter how awkward it was.

I had to share a house with Sam for a year after I filed for divorce. You can only imaging the struggles involved in that. I still loved him but I was crushed by the life he was living, but I was determined to leave him because he did not love me. It was really a huge emotional mess. I did not understand how dangerous and unhealthy it was for me to stay in that house with him until I was out. I only stayed because I had no other options. Looking back, I would have done that whole situation differently. It got to the point I was locking my door at night to keep myself safe. My boss kept telling me to go to the women's shelter. But I didn't feel my life was that bad. If you are going through a divorce, it might be humiliating to have to ask a friend or family member if you can mooch off them for a while. But I promise, you need that separation.

When I started dating the guy I saw during my divorce, I was clear up front I could not do anything serious. He realized what was going on at my house and gave me his key so I had a safe place to go. He worked overnight shifts and was opposite my schedule.  As time went on I heard so many times from him, "we are adults. People are assuming we are doing it since you basically live here". Or my personal favorite, "you are my girlfriend, there are certain responsibilities you have". (Oh no he didn't!) I broke up with him. After several weeks he apologized and we started seeing each other again. Things were fine for awhile, then it wasn't fine. I don't think the he knew what he was really saying. Those statements were true, and it's how our culture thinks. But that didn't mean I was ready for that or that it made it ok for him to think that way. I don't for a second think he was a bad guy, it is just how our world functions these day. 

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do!! (Except pay your bills and clean up after yourself, sorry) I'm not saying that there will be times you just are "not in the mood", and you suck it up and do it. (Also, has anyone ever regretted getting in the mood?) Don't let anyone guilt or manipulate you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable! You don't owe anyone anything. Wether he is your boyfriend, husband or random person, I don't care if you are a grown adult and everyone else is doing it, if you don't want to do it. Don't do it. And don't stand for anyone making you feel bad about that decision. Someone using your insecurities against you to get what they want is wrong.

Guys feel their needs need to be met no matter the cost to anyone else. I have heard stories where guys are confronted by someone about taking advantage of a girl they didn't even realize there was a problem. Or like the famous Brock Turner's dad didn't want his son's future to be ruined for his 10 min of fun. I get so hot and mad when I hear stories like this because I am the other side. Girls don't have confidence or strength to say no more clearly than they already did. Or they did say no and the guy doesn't care about anything other than his desires. I personally know how Brock Turner might have only had 10 min of fun, But that poor girl will never forget, it will affect every moment of the rest of her life. 

I am ashamed of my generation for many reasons. How can we make this better for the next generation? I believe it starts at home with our kids when they are babies. Growing up I did not have a healthy love life modeled for me as I grew up. I did not have encouragement build into me to give me self confidence.  On the other hand, we need to teach our kids to respect other people and their boundaries while being sensitive to other people's comfort. No one owes them anything. I'm not a parenting expert. I don't know how to go about doing this. But I know it is a huge problem I don't want passed onto the next generation, my generation has done enough damage.

Dear friend going through a difficult divorce,

I understand what you are going through. I know how you feel. Details might look different on the outside. But deep down, it's the same hurt and devastation no one understands unless they have gone through a divorce. I get it. Since I can't do anything to make it easier, hopefully it is comforting to know someone really understands. What I can do is tell you what I wish someone had told me or what I would tell myself if I had to relive those days. 

It's ok to miss him. You prepared your whole life with him. It's normal no matter what he did.

You are not a failure just because you have a failed marriage. It takes two to be married. If Sam had actually tried to change his life. We would have made it. 

It's ok to cry. Scream. Let it out. You will feel better after I promise.

You can still be a Christian even though you are divorced. Maybe it was the church I went to. Maybe it was how I was raised. Maybe it's my bad attitude. But when I left Sam I had also just miscarried. I left God too because I was mad. I knew God had wanted me to marry Sam. Why!? I ignored God and didn't want anything to do with him. He couldn't care one bit about me if he took my baby and my husband. If I had just ran to Him instead of running away, I could have saved myself even more heartache. 

I don't regret much of anything about my marriage with Sam. I wasn't perfect, but I tried my hardest. It wasn't until we split that I had regrets. I wish I could have handled how I reacted better. I did lots of stupid unnecessary things. If I had tried to have a relationship with God to fill my empty heart instead of others, I would have much less to regret. Be careful how you act for a while. Make sure it isn't something you will regret several years down the road when you look back and think "What was I thinking? Was that even me?"

Love you!!

Last night at the event I helped coordinate for domestic violence awareness and to offer free counseling. One of the speakers was the judge who granted me my divorce. (I wrote about him in my post D-day part 2) He was a nice old man who said his wife always gets on to him for sounding mean and cynical. But he honestly doesn't try to be mean. He shared about his side of domestic violence. The domestic violence cases take a whole day every week. He tries to set up restraining orders for every victim. But most of the times the victim doesn't want one, and they end up back in his court room. He mentioned he takes detailed notes about every case and saves all his notes for the next time.

I don't know why but hearing him speak made me so emotional. I was the victim he spoke of sitting in his court room who didn't have bruises to prove her pain. I knew after the event I needed to introduce myself. After two and a half years of wishing I could have spilled my guts out to the judge about all the reasons I needed that divorce. I had the chance to share my story and how his decision had given me freedom. 

Afterwards I went up and introduced myself and told him my story. We talked for a bit. He was so glad I came up and talked to him and that everything turned out wonderful for me. He says it's hard only seeing the negative side of people's lives. He was happy my life turned out ok, and he thanked me for introducing myself. 

It's weird how that conversation with a stranger gave me closer I didn't know I was missing. I had hated the feeling that my judge didn't know why I was getting a divorce. All he knew is we had, "unreconcilable differences" and I was 9 months pregnant with another man's child. It doesn't change anything that happened in that court room two and a half years later, but it's nice to know my judge understands now what happened. 

I had a blog post I was working on. But I couldn't wrap it up. Or put the thoughts I had in my mind to print. Jason read it and felt it was a repeat of other posts (it's a lot of details about how guys take advantage of girls without even realizing it. An important topic I need to work on more). I struggled with how to word what was spinning around my head. I just wasn't getting the point I wanted across. So I decided to scrap it and start all over.

I work hard at fight my demons, and be an stable independent woman. I hate being vulnerable around people I love and trust, much less people I don't trust. I was publicly broken and raw for so long. I feel I don't deserve anymore hard days because my life is so wonderful right now. When I have them I keep it to myself. I am so blessed to be where I am in life now after such a dark road. But it did not come easy. It was hard for me, it took a lot of praying. And most of those prayers were not coming from me. 

I completely lost it at work last week and had a full blown panic attack. Several people thought me and another employee were fighting. People were talking and asking me crazy off the wall questions about why I was so upset. I got annoyed at how much people make up their own truth about me. It made me doubt why I started this blog. Everyone has always had something to say about me. Even in grade school people would talk about me. Most of the things I have heard haven't even been true, but its still hurtful. I started wondering this week if I started this blog so people would stop talking about me. I was the one setting the record strait, even if it wasn't flattering. But that was a lie from the devil. I started sharing my story with the women around me. And they opened up to me and shared also. We heal together knowing we were not alone in our pain. I knew a blog would help more people than the handful of people in my life. Whatever my motives were, or people think, my blog has helped many people. And that's enough for me to keep writing. Even if it feels repetitive at times.

If you have never had a panic attack, it doesn't just end when it's over. My body, emotions and brain will be tense and sensitive for many days after. In those few days after my panic attack I saw something on social media that upset me. In my weakened emotional state made my funk last longer. A mutual friend had posted a picture of Sam. It brought up emotions and thoughts I don't normally have. If I were to dwell on my past and all the unanswered questions I would be a bitter miserable person. However seeing the picture brought back all the questions and emotions. When I think about it now I don't really care. It doesn't normally affect me. I was only in a raw state coming off a panic attack. I hate that it affected me at all. But it did.

I'm not ashamed that I have a failed marriage in my past. But sometimes I wish I has more time to explain to people when I see the judgment in their eyes. For instance the guy who was filling out my passport application when he said, "well one name change is allowed, but with two marriages we need legal documentation." I wanted to tell him how I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough. I wanted to tell him all the horrible things Sam had done to me. But I didn't say a word. I have encounters like that occasionally. People see me and are shocked that someone so young is already on a second marriage. I can see them trying to look into my eyes and figure out what is wrong with me. If I have a chance I try to say a little bit, but normally I just have to deal with their judgmental looks.

There are still bad day. But I try my best to keep them to myself. Because I am so happy, I can't and I won't let my old demons from my past affect my present. Because then they win, and I will not allow that.