She Found Her Wings

I have struggled hard with this post. I'm not sure how much is to much to share because I want this blog to be completely anonymous. It's not about hurting someone else's reputation, but about sharing my experiences in hopes others who are hurting alone will talk to someone and get the help they need. I have been working on this one for so long, but I keep rewriting and changing it. Then I decide not to even post it at all. But I have talked to a struggling friend, I know I have to post. So sorry, for the length, and the ugly personal details. I hope my point comes across. It's my soapbox I get passionate about and ramble. 

Good people sometimes do bad things, it doesn't make them a bad person. Sometimes they might not even realize what they said or did is so wrong. I have been abused by multiple people. Maybe they knew what they were doing. But few I honestly believe they did not realize what they were doing was wrong. Everyone responds to abuse differently. I learned to disassociate myself with it. My mind would shut down and I wouldn't be there mentally. Honestly it was only when I was married and starting to have sex with Sam did I have flashbacks and even remember I was abused as a young child. 

I had this friend through preteen years who knew most of the struggles I was going through at home and how it affected me. Eventually he became my boyfriend. We told each other we loved each other. For two clueless teenagers, I believe we did love each other for the age we were. I was 16 when we had our first kiss. You can imagine what happened when you put a broken insecure girl, the deepness of our friendship, and teenage boy going through puberty. While he never forced himself on me. He never seemed to hear when I tried to tell him about how I did not like what we were doing. So I quit trying to fight him. My mind would disengage like it had trained itself to do during my childhood abuse. So wether he realized he was able to manipulate me because he knew what my insecurities were or not. (Which I don't believe he had a clue.) It doesn't matter. It happened. I lost valuable pieces of myself wasn't ready to give away.

A year after I got married my childhood abuser, drove many hours just to take me to breakfast and apologized for everything that happened. He didn't have to do this. He changed and took responsibility for his actions. Does it change what he did? Nope. But I will tell you what it did do. It made it easier for me to heal. Forgiving was easier. Which in turn made working though the issues with my counselor easier. The damage was done, the scars and issues are there that I will always deal with. I did not really respond when he apologized, I was shocked. I wasn't prepared for that. Honestly I had only recently begun to remember the abuse and at the beginning stages of working through it. I know how rare and fortunate I am to have gotten a sincere apology. But it was very much appreciated no matter how awkward it was.

I had to share a house with Sam for a year after I filed for divorce. You can only imaging the struggles involved in that. I still loved him but I was crushed by the life he was living, but I was determined to leave him because he did not love me. It was really a huge emotional mess. I did not understand how dangerous and unhealthy it was for me to stay in that house with him until I was out. I only stayed because I had no other options. Looking back, I would have done that whole situation differently. It got to the point I was locking my door at night to keep myself safe. My boss kept telling me to go to the women's shelter. But I didn't feel my life was that bad. If you are going through a divorce, it might be humiliating to have to ask a friend or family member if you can mooch off them for a while. But I promise, you need that separation.

When I started dating the guy I saw during my divorce, I was clear up front I could not do anything serious. He realized what was going on at my house and gave me his key so I had a safe place to go. He worked overnight shifts and was opposite my schedule.  As time went on I heard so many times from him, "we are adults. People are assuming we are doing it since you basically live here". Or my personal favorite, "you are my girlfriend, there are certain responsibilities you have". (Oh no he didn't!) I broke up with him. After several weeks he apologized and we started seeing each other again. Things were fine for awhile, then it wasn't fine. I don't think the he knew what he was really saying. Those statements were true, and it's how our culture thinks. But that didn't mean I was ready for that or that it made it ok for him to think that way. I don't for a second think he was a bad guy, it is just how our world functions these day. 

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do!! (Except pay your bills and clean up after yourself, sorry) I'm not saying that there will be times you just are "not in the mood", and you suck it up and do it. (Also, has anyone ever regretted getting in the mood?) Don't let anyone guilt or manipulate you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable! You don't owe anyone anything. Wether he is your boyfriend, husband or random person, I don't care if you are a grown adult and everyone else is doing it, if you don't want to do it. Don't do it. And don't stand for anyone making you feel bad about that decision. Someone using your insecurities against you to get what they want is wrong.

Guys feel their needs need to be met no matter the cost to anyone else. I have heard stories where guys are confronted by someone about taking advantage of a girl they didn't even realize there was a problem. Or like the famous Brock Turner's dad didn't want his son's future to be ruined for his 10 min of fun. I get so hot and mad when I hear stories like this because I am the other side. Girls don't have confidence or strength to say no more clearly than they already did. Or they did say no and the guy doesn't care about anything other than his desires. I personally know how Brock Turner might have only had 10 min of fun, But that poor girl will never forget, it will affect every moment of the rest of her life. 

I am ashamed of my generation for many reasons. How can we make this better for the next generation? I believe it starts at home with our kids when they are babies. Growing up I did not have a healthy love life modeled for me as I grew up. I did not have encouragement build into me to give me self confidence.  On the other hand, we need to teach our kids to respect other people and their boundaries while being sensitive to other people's comfort. No one owes them anything. I'm not a parenting expert. I don't know how to go about doing this. But I know it is a huge problem I don't want passed onto the next generation, my generation has done enough damage.

Last night at the event I helped coordinate for domestic violence awareness and to offer free counseling. One of the speakers was the judge who granted me my divorce. (I wrote about him in my post D-day part 2) He was a nice old man who said his wife always gets on to him for sounding mean and cynical. But he honestly doesn't try to be mean. He shared about his side of domestic violence. The domestic violence cases take a whole day every week. He tries to set up restraining orders for every victim. But most of the times the victim doesn't want one, and they end up back in his court room. He mentioned he takes detailed notes about every case and saves all his notes for the next time.

I don't know why but hearing him speak made me so emotional. I was the victim he spoke of sitting in his court room who didn't have bruises to prove her pain. I knew after the event I needed to introduce myself. After two and a half years of wishing I could have spilled my guts out to the judge about all the reasons I needed that divorce. I had the chance to share my story and how his decision had given me freedom. 

Afterwards I went up and introduced myself and told him my story. We talked for a bit. He was so glad I came up and talked to him and that everything turned out wonderful for me. He says it's hard only seeing the negative side of people's lives. He was happy my life turned out ok, and he thanked me for introducing myself. 

It's weird how that conversation with a stranger gave me closer I didn't know I was missing. I had hated the feeling that my judge didn't know why I was getting a divorce. All he knew is we had, "unreconcilable differences" and I was 9 months pregnant with another man's child. It doesn't change anything that happened in that court room two and a half years later, but it's nice to know my judge understands now what happened. 

I had a blog post I was working on. But I couldn't wrap it up. Or put the thoughts I had in my mind to print. Jason read it and felt it was a repeat of other posts (it's a lot of details about how guys take advantage of girls without even realizing it. An important topic I need to work on more). I struggled with how to word what was spinning around my head. I just wasn't getting the point I wanted across. So I decided to scrap it and start all over.

I work hard at fight my demons, and be an stable independent woman. I hate being vulnerable around people I love and trust, much less people I don't trust. I was publicly broken and raw for so long. I feel I don't deserve anymore hard days because my life is so wonderful right now. When I have them I keep it to myself. I am so blessed to be where I am in life now after such a dark road. But it did not come easy. It was hard for me, it took a lot of praying. And most of those prayers were not coming from me. 

I completely lost it at work last week and had a full blown panic attack. Several people thought me and another employee were fighting. People were talking and asking me crazy off the wall questions about why I was so upset. I got annoyed at how much people make up their own truth about me. It made me doubt why I started this blog. Everyone has always had something to say about me. Even in grade school people would talk about me. Most of the things I have heard haven't even been true, but its still hurtful. I started wondering this week if I started this blog so people would stop talking about me. I was the one setting the record strait, even if it wasn't flattering. But that was a lie from the devil. I started sharing my story with the women around me. And they opened up to me and shared also. We heal together knowing we were not alone in our pain. I knew a blog would help more people than the handful of people in my life. Whatever my motives were, or people think, my blog has helped many people. And that's enough for me to keep writing. Even if it feels repetitive at times.

If you have never had a panic attack, it doesn't just end when it's over. My body, emotions and brain will be tense and sensitive for many days after. In those few days after my panic attack I saw something on social media that upset me. In my weakened emotional state made my funk last longer. A mutual friend had posted a picture of Sam. It brought up emotions and thoughts I don't normally have. If I were to dwell on my past and all the unanswered questions I would be a bitter miserable person. However seeing the picture brought back all the questions and emotions. When I think about it now I don't really care. It doesn't normally affect me. I was only in a raw state coming off a panic attack. I hate that it affected me at all. But it did.

I'm not ashamed that I have a failed marriage in my past. But sometimes I wish I has more time to explain to people when I see the judgment in their eyes. For instance the guy who was filling out my passport application when he said, "well one name change is allowed, but with two marriages we need legal documentation." I wanted to tell him how I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough. I wanted to tell him all the horrible things Sam had done to me. But I didn't say a word. I have encounters like that occasionally. People see me and are shocked that someone so young is already on a second marriage. I can see them trying to look into my eyes and figure out what is wrong with me. If I have a chance I try to say a little bit, but normally I just have to deal with their judgmental looks.

There are still bad day. But I try my best to keep them to myself. Because I am so happy, I can't and I won't let my old demons from my past affect my present. Because then they win, and I will not allow that.

I have never shared this next part with anyone not even Jason until he proof read this. I'm not quite sure what the point of it is yet. But there has to be a nugget of something in here somewhere. Since I started this blog to raise awareness of what really goes on in a divorce and how we can help those suffering. I should probably share all of my struggles. (Which I am an open book, except for the sexual abuse details, that stuff belongs in coffee shop conversations, not the Internet.)

I have done lots of reading on PTSD. You don't have to be a war veteran to have a form of it. You don't have to have physical bruises to be a victim of domestic violence. The farther and farther I get away from Sam and our actual divorce date the farther I get away from my PTSD like symptoms. It's a long process on the road back to 'normal',  I'm never going to give up. 

I was so stressed and scared when I was married to Sam. Subconsciously I knew he was full of crap, but I think I was so determined to make my marriage work I convinced myself everything was ok. I just refused to think about it. However, I could not sleep. As I would lay in bed at night my mind would race and try to figure out all the loose ends from his stories that didn't add up. When I did get to sleep I would have one of two nightmares.

In the first dream there was a car accident and Sam died. I was all alone. After burying my husband I discovered I was pregnant with his son. I moved back into his parents house. After a few years a guy from my highschool days whom I never had a relationship with started trying to pursue me and my new child. In the second dream I did not move in with his parents when I found out I was pregnant. Instead I stayed in my home and raised our son alone, and a year later a guy that I knew from around town was the one wanting to start to date me. The endings to the dreams were always different. But the beginnings were always the same. A tragic sudden accident, a son, and another guy later. (Side note, this is why I am 100% convinced the child I miscarried when I was with Sam was a boy)

I guess I dreamed it one night and actually felt rested when I woke up. I discovered when I was having trouble sleeping if I would replay it in my mind and I would fall asleep almost immediately. Most nights I would wake up from this dream sobbing. I wouldn't know what was reality when I woke up. I took a minute or two to remember where I was.

Why did I have this reoccurring nightmare of Sam dying? Why did replaying it in my head when I couldn't sleep relax me enough to let me fall asleep? For real it left me with tons of questions that I bet a professional psychologist could tell me what it all meant. If I was sleeping at a friends house or somewhere far away from Sam, I was fine. But when I was home where Sam was the only time I was able to sleep without having this emotional dream was if I was drinking before bed. Needless to say, I began drinking regularly just so I could get some sleep. And when the guy I was dating started picking up on this was happening to me at home, he got me a key to his house and told me to stay there whenever I needed to. (He worked over nights and was never there)

I remember the first night Jason stayed over. I had fallen asleep on the couch during a movie, so he was making his move to head home. Something about Jason and who he is relaxes me and can calm me down just from being near him. Because I realized it was so easy for me to sleep with him there, I asked him to stay. He stayed with me that night. We did not do much sleeping though. We stayed up talking most of the night. He shared with me his past and I told him details about my past I had never told a soul even to this day.  He wrapped his huge arms around me and I felt completely safe for honestly the first time in my life as I lay there in his arms. We might have only slept a few hour that night, but I remember it was the most restful sleep I had in a long time. I woke up feeling completely renewed. 

Where am I going with this post? I don't have a freaking clue! I do know now that my sleep is limited being a wife, mother, employee and home owner, I have the most wonderful sleep when I get the chance. I never have to fake a alternate reality. If I have trouble falling asleep I just think back to the whirlwind romance of Jason and I falling in love, and bam! I'm out. My reality is my dream, I don't have to try to convince my mind to relax by false daydreams.

Weddings like crazy in my family this spring. My sister married a wonderful man this past weekend. A man who I am obsessed with for her. I told her when he asked her out I needs a 3 page paper on all his flaws so I can be realistic about him as a human. (She hasn't done that yet, I bet after a year of marriage she could do it.) My brother gets married next month. I'm also obsessed with his lady. Every time she opens her mouth I fall even more in love with her. Major plus, I'm no longer the weird one in the family because she is crazy! 

Of course in all the toasts and wedding festivities everyone is giving the couples marriage advice. No one said anything bad, but the couples aren't listening. Not because they weren't paying attention, but I promise you, they won't remember a word anyone said the whole weekend. So I didn't give them any advise. Except to call me when they feel alone and scared things are failing, because I have been there. So they don't have to do it alone.

So here is my marriage advise, for my sister and her husband, my brother and his wife, and the whole rest of the world because apparently I am a blogger. And everyone wants to hear what a girl who was divorced at the age of 24 has to say about marriage. (Yes that was sarcasm)

You are both going to fail each other. Both of y'all will break each other's hearts. You wont be able to keep every word of your vows every day, you are human. Some failures will be bigger than others, but whatever you do, whatever happens. NEVER LIE ABOUT IT. Don't try to hide your failures. Your spouse does not expect you to be perfect. Anything can be worked through and fixed if you are both committed to fix whatever issues that come up. But if you lie about it, there is no coming back from that. Once I had been lied to so many times by Sam, I was at the point where even if he did start telling the truth, I would never be able to trust that it was truth. Once trust is broken, it will never be the same as it was. Just never lie!!!

So Brother and Sister, If things start looking bad for you and your spouse and one of you isn't fighting for your marriage. Don't be surprised when I show up at your door and ask you some rough questions. I wish someone would have come into my home, grabbed Sam by the neck and said, "You promised, I heard you on your wedding day make all those promises, why are you treating her like this?" His dad did do that. His dad asked him the hard questions. His dad yelled at him. His dad also asked me the hard questions, and yelled at me when I did my stupid things. Because he really cared. He was fighting for his family. Unfortunately his dad and I lost the war. But you better believe, I'll fight for you, I'll fight for your marriage. Because it's important. It's a family thing, and I care.

Most people don't realize they are in abusive relationships. Or they don't want to admit it because once a person admits it, then they need to do something about it. I'm not a professional therapist. I'm just a girl who has been through it (not just with my ex husband, but other people in my life as well) and I have a heart for those hurting in this way. Sometimes I hear people mention little things about their relationship to me. I wonder if it is a cry for help or if they are just talking. It's hard to walk up to someone and ask them if they need help if you aren't 100% sure. Either they wouldn't know what you are talking about, or they will get mad and defensive. People don't like talking about it. So if you know me and ever want to talk about it, please do. I would love to grab a coffee and listen. I complied a list of signs from my life, and from all my reading and studying other smarter people's opinions. 

-You have communication problems. Your feelings are never heard. It's always about them. Do you completely avoid topics? Do you spend more time figuring out how to word something than actually having the conversation?

-You make excuses for them about the way they treat you. All relationships have times when one is going through a difficult or stressful time. At that time yes the other partner might not be on their best behavior towards those closest to them. But stress at work, family or friends should never be an excuse to tear down your partner. There is a huge difference between discussing a issue your partner has in order to help them be better, and tearing them apart for every little thing.

-Between the times they are tearing you down are they overly nice to you? It's confusing. One day they can be screaming and hate you. But the next it's overly sweet and romantic. 

-They never admit they have a problem. The way you feel is always your fault. Sometimes the way they treat you is so minor it's hard to verbalized without feeling like you are being petty, so it's easy to believe you are the issue. 

-They won't see a therapist with you, or they fake who they are for the therapist. It's very normal to have issues. Needing some therapy or a third party to talk with is not a bad thing. It's a huge red flag if your partner will not go to counseling with you. Your partner should be willing to work on whatever needs to be worked on for a successful marriage. If one is unhappy, the other should be willing to figure out why and how to help.

-You constantly feel you are walking on eggshells. If you say or do one slightly 'wrong' thing it will cause a war. They will manipulate anything you say against you. Basically no matter how hard you try, there will be a fight and nothing you say will ever be right.

-They are obsessed with control. They have to get their way and run every aspect of both m your lives. If they are not getting their way, they make everyone around them miserable.

-They have no empathy, for you or your feelings or anyone else's. The only thing that matters is how they feel. And if you are the one with a crisis in your life, they will somehow turn it around to their crisis. You will then be comforting and taking care of them when you are the one needing comfort.

-There is a 'dark cloud' over you too. When people are around you they can feel the tension. They don't like it, so most people avoid both of you. Normally people close to you can more objectively see there is a problem before the ones involved because their emotions aren't tied to it. It's hard to tell someone you love you think they are being abused. It's easier to pull away from that person then have a hard conversation that might be taken badly.

-Is your relationship 50/50? Common marriage advice is that marriages are 100/100. When one person is having a issue (like a sickness or loss of a job) the other should pick up the slack. Get a job, do more around the house. Because in life pretty sure eventually the tables will turn and your partner will pick up your slack when you are sick or out of work. In a healthy marriage both work hard to do everything for the other. But if your partner doesn't put in their half, but they expect you to put in not just your half, but their half too. An abusive relationship is more like 100/0.  

If you feel these describe your relationship. You need help. Your partner needs help. However if they will not admit it and refusing help. There is nothing you can do. It's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve them to treat you this way. You have probably spend many years convincing yourself that it is normal. Many people believe because they married them means they have to stay married and deal with it. Each person has to get to the point where they feel leaving is right. People can tell them that they need to leave. But if they didn't make that decision for themselves, they will end up taking them back. I know, as someone who lived with an abusive person for years it's not easy. There will be some hard months after you've made the decision and leave. But there is a great deal of real joy and freedom you will experience after freeing yourself from the chains of an abusive relationship. 

Everyone has scars from their past that affects their present. Some scars are huge and noticeable. Some are so small you have to look hard to see it. 

Not sure if I have mentioned it much, but Jason was married before as well. He didn't sign up to have his past broadcast over the Internet, so I'll keep it short and sweet. He had to get in his ex's purse once and found  something that made him suspect something terrible. It was a total blindside. He wanted to do the work and fix whatever the issues were. But shortly after that she demanded a divorce. And was never willing to speak to him after that. It destroyed him; it was a total blindside. The people who knew him at that time have shared with me how tough it was for him. Jason and I discussed to great lengths what he thinks went wrong and why she left. Since she never really talked to him, all he can do is speculate. Which I think he speculated correctly. But nothing concrete, so that's all I will share.

His divorce was so long ago (he was getting divorced as I was getting married, I find that ironic) that when we ran into her recently, he said he had no feelings of any kind. It was like any other old acquaintance he might have run into. But that doesn't mean he doesn't still have scars from his nightmare. He will not under any circumstance look in my purse. I asked him about it one day after we had been together a while. I had noticed that he would never get me anything out of my purse, he would instead bring it to me. I told him tampons are in the side zipper, so if that was what he was scared of, he could avoid them. He shared with me the details of what he found in his ex's purse. I don't push him about it, it's not really even a big deal. But knowing how his ex made him feel emotionally. From what he has told me, and his moms and sisters. I know that I need be aware of how I treat him and make sure I never do anything to make him feel the way him and his family felt with her. 

When it comes to dealing with a spouses past scars I defiantly have an easier load than Jason. Jason has got to deal with my severe panic disorder. From what happened to me as a child sexually and emotionally, and then trying to work through abuse issues with someone who was in the process of abusing me really messed with my brain. While I'm over Sam, and moved on, my scars don't go away. My attacks are getting fewer and farther between. But sometimes something will trigger and I can't control it. I literally can't breathe, I can't stop shaking, I can't think rationally.

Generally I can understand why something has triggered an attack and know why it's irrational. Part of my therapy was learn to separate myself from the situation and look at it from a different perspective. Generally my triggers are something finance related. Or an unknown phone call. A situation that makes me uncomfortable, or one that reminds me of the life I had when I was married to Sam. 

Just yesterday we were driving home from our Valentine outing. Jason got pulled over for speeding. Unfortunately our insurance cards are out of date. We have insurance. It comes out automatically every month but for some reason we never got an updated card last time. No big deal, just got to call and correct it and get the new cards. Jason went to the store a little later. I was cooking him dinner, candles, the whole romantic Valentine thing. I called him and I thought when I heard him get in the car that meant he was on his way home. So I set the food to be ready as soon as he walked in the door. A few minutes after he should have been home I plated the food and pored the wine. I called him about 7 times. No answer. He was now way past 20 minutes later than it takes to get from the store to our house.  Basically I believed he was dead on the side of the road. Or I was going to get a call saying I needed to get to the hospital immediately. Then suddenly I remembered the encounter with the police and we couldn't show proof of our insurance. What if he had not been paying our bills and realizing he was about to get caught he ran off? Then I was going to be sitting in a hospital with a dying husband finding out he was lying to me too.

Jason finally called me back. I thought he was on his way home. But he had made another stop. NOW he was on his way home. I was in tears, Peyton was so confused. I thought when I answered the phone it would be a police officer saying they took him to the hospital. Later that night I told Jason why I got so worked up. He died laughing at the complete ridiculous story I had made up. First of all, our bank account says, "Allstate" when the money comes out. How could he fake that. Secondly, we HAVE to have insurance because we are still paying for our jeep or they would come repossess our car. I had a good laugh too. We only laughed bout it because in the emotional moment I did not accuse him of anything, because I knew I was completely insane. He has learned when I say and feel things like that, I'm not comparing him to Sam or accusing him of lying, but Im just very damaged. 

Jason and I speak completely different languages. We've had difficulties communicating at times. And it causes arguments. But we've learned in the end we are generally saying the same thing. (Worlds most brilliant couple right here) there are many times I feel he is hiding something from me. Or that he doesn't love me anymore. He gets upset because he thinks I am being ridiculous. (I generally am. See above story) It took a while for us to learn how to talk to each other in these moments. But I think we are figuring out how to communicate better. And help each other in our insecurities, without fighting or saying something to make it worse.

I have NEVER gone back and listened to a sermon again. I did last week. This whole series's our pastor is going through really is what Christianity is about. No sugar coating, real life is tough and painful. Honestly I recommend everyone listen to the whole series. But especially if you are hurting and wondering how Christianity fits in to your feelings. If you just pick one just listen to the "When God disappoints us." At the end of the sermon I loved the response questions he had us think about. 

http://gracepointchurch.net/media/video_messages/

I thought I was going to have a long beautiful marriage from a young age just like my grandparents. Full of life, love, children and ministry. 

I have a real once in a life time love and beautiful family not just one made to look pretty on the outside. My ministry opportunities are endless with the things I have gone through. My attitude and perspective is better. More understanding and grounded in reality.

I hope you listened to the sermons. Through out the series I have been reminded that while I went through my trails I did not have the kind of attitude I should have had. I gave up on God. I blamed him and accused him of being a liar. I did some really stupid things. But God never gave up on me no matter how I acted towards Him. It took me a while to be able to see how God was still saving me, but he never left me. He was still being good to me even though I felt He was the one attacking me. Leaving Sam was not something I could have done on my own. God gave me the strength to do it. And my bitter angry attitude I had, it suddenly changed. Not my anything I did. I was happy to remain sorry for myself for the rest of my life. God rescued me from being bitter and miserable.

People make jokes about me. I'm not complaining, I like jokes. And if you can't laugh at yourself what can you laugh at? I'm the 'bad influence', 'crazy friend'. Not someone you would ask for advise. I can't deny it. I did some really stupid things. I'm not ashamed of anything I did. I don't try to hide the dumb things I did. Maybe in sharing how silly I was and how bad I failed, someone else won't do the same thing I did. And next time I face a heartbreaking trial, hopefully I will have the correct attitude. Because I have seen His love and faithfulness in my past trials, I will be able to hope and trust He will do the same in my future.

This morning It will have been a year since we lost my grandmother. My mom called before 7 am. Before I even called her back, I knew what had happened. It sounds wrong. It sounds like just some person I am related to had died. The words "my grandmother" don't even come close to describing how much she meant to me. She has never been just "my grandmother", but my guardian angel, my friend and my role model, my second mother. With my bad relationship with my own mother, Dorsey was who I viewed as my mother. Today is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for every moment, conversation, cuddle, laugh and adventure I had with her. 

Spending the night at her house was always my favorite. Especially when I got to go alone without my brothers. She was the best cook. After we cuddled in her bed watching tv, She would always say prayers with me and tuck me in, and give me kisses. What I wouldn't give for one more sleepover. One more time to be tucked in the way she does best. She took my brothers and me on big vacations. She never missed any performance or event in my life. She was sick the day I got my first period, but she send Grandan over with a present for me. I was mortified then, but it's hilarious now. All seemingly small things, but they meant the world to me.

I remember after her stroke communicating was hard. She never fully recovered and it was hard seeing her like that. She didn't remember things, she couldn't hear me when I called. I hated being far away. I couldn't spend as much time as I wanted. I missed so much time I could have spent with her if I had not moved. Her and my sister were my reasons to visit. 

During my first marriage. She was the one I turned to. Her and my grandfather helped me financially and supported me through the whole thing. She never once said a word, she let my grandfather do all the talking and lecturing. She just did all the loving. Sam told me it frustrated him talking to her because she always asked him about his job and financial situation. Looking back I think she knew Sam was still lying even though no one else did. She was probably trying to get him to fess up to me. I remember sitting across from her at dinner telling her I miscarried her first great-grandchild and was getting a divorce. She again didn't say a word, she didn't look surprised, she just hugged me. Cause she knew nothing anyone said would change my situation or take my pain away.

At the end I remember sitting in her hospital room. Everyone said she was unresponsive. But she kept squeezing my hand and looking at me. She couldn't talk, but she was trying to tell me something. It was hard for me to meet her eyes and see her like that. She would stare at Peyton when she wasn't looking at me. The next time I saw her I knew it was the last. I just wanted to curl up in her bed with her and stay by her side until the last possible second. But I had a husband and a baby and a responsibilities. It was so hard walking away. Knowing I would never see her again this side of heaven. What do you say in that moment? How do you let someone know they mean everything to you. And they were perfect. And you don't know how to go on without them. And you wish you will be just like them when you grow up. Through my uncontrollable sobs and blubbering words, I hope she knew.

I will hear her favorite hymns play at work or other places, and I feel her presence. I sing Peyton to sleep in her rocking chair every night. Some of the songs I learned sitting next to her in church every Sunday. I can still remember her voice singing them. One night I was just overwhelmed by the feeling that she was watching me. I sat there and I talked to her and cried while Peyton slept in my arms. I don't know why, I don't know how to explain it. (Maybe I accidentally had two doses of my meds that morning.) I feel her presence a lot. Now if that's actually what's happening, or if it's just in my head I'll never know. Either way, It helps me feel better thinking she is here watching over me. 

You realize the past will be a memory that you cannot seem to get rid of. you are caught up in a horrible entanglement of low self esteem. I did not realize that this was even an issue.  (I thought I had it all together.  Even though l it was not easy to see my kids once a year.)  You are trying to convince yourself you are able to take care of yourself.  Wondering if there is someone out there that will understand who you are and approve of you.

I finally realized I needed to go back to church.  In fact my ex's sister-in-law recommend a church. I found a place where I felt at peace.  I was happy with the fellowship of believers who were worshiping there.  I had not shared my story, or even talked about my past to anyone.  I chose to help with the Library at church, and sang in the choir.  

After five years of being divorced, I realized my life needed to be changed in a direction that was free of guilt and pain of the past. My faith was gradually becoming something that gave me hope.

Getting to know everyone at the church was great place for me to meet new friends.  I had no idea that one of the families at Parkview Baptist was going to be my family one day.  I knew the Dad and Mom; and their daughter. Goodness, who would think someone in the choir was worthy enough to ask out.

How you can think that any one would want you?  After all the choices you made, and how you have been a failure in relationships.  Why would anyone want you?  All these thought's floated in my mind.  Thank goodness for a Mother at home, that made me feel worthy and kept me knowing I was loved unconditionally.  

I believe God was allowing me to see His grace in ways I never imagined. He knew I was not perfect, and I still struggled with sexual issues.  He was helping me to realize someone was interested, and I must now understand that there could be someone who would be the right person for my life.

Our pastor in his sermon this week said he had had some tough times where he had wanted a way out. He even had an escape route. He knew everyone around him would be better off if he was gone. Obviously none of that happen and he knew those thoughts were straight from the devil. But what he said triggered a memory I had.

The horrible year Sam and I lived together as roommates was the worst of my life. I was never mean to him. I was as friendly as a girl could be sharing a house with the man who shattered her heart. The situation was beyond my control. I just dealt with it. I never once told him everything would be ok or we would work it out. I told him it was over and even if he did start change. I would always think he was faking it the way he did after the first time he got caught. To much trust had been broken for me to ever think of trusting him again even if I wanted to. I didn't want to baby him and let him think the way he was acting was ok. 

One point Sam was so depressed and down on himself. He was uncontrollable and threatening suicide. He told me then I could pay off his debts and have a chance at a good life if he left me his life insurance. I felt he was pressuring me to be nice to him in his state to tell him "everything is going to be ok." I refused to give in and coddle him. I called his friend (I'll call him Tony). I told Tony what Sam was saying and said I couldn't handle him in this state with what was going on between us. Even though Tony hated my guts, he agreed and came and picked him up for a few days. (Remember I was hooking up with their other friend and with Tony not knowing what Sam did, I was a horrible person in his eyes)

It's one thing to encourage someone you love and speak truth into their life when they are having a tough time. It's another to be manipulated by them. When they use the pain they caused to you and somehow get you to comfort and reassure them. It's wrong. So many abusive partners use this tactic to keep their partner around. We believe it's our fault. But it's their problem. I don't know how I knew I needed to call his friend and ask for help. Honestly it was tough calling Tony who I knew judged me for the mess I was in and how I was handling it. But I think that was the point Sam realized I was done playing his stupid games. He still lied. He will always lie. But he learned that I wasn't going to be manipulated by him. And he backed off. He stopped trying to manipulate me and trying to trap me into staying with him. 

Sam has been giving my number out to people that are searching for him. I have been getting phone calls from mostly attorneys and a few debt collectors. Several of them have talked to me a bit. When they find out I am his ex wife and divorced him because of his lying and stealing, most of them take my number out of their files, some say they can't because he said it was his number so they have to keep it for records. My curiosity is dying to know what he is doing, but I've never ask. I fight the urge to spend a few dollars and do a background check on him. To find out what all he did while we were married and he is doing now. I don't really care, I'm just curious and nosy, like any other women. Anything I find out might just irritate me. But it really doesn't matter anymore.

Jason suggested changing my phone number if it continued. I really didn't want to do that. It's the only cellphone number I've had since age 14. It was also kinda sentimental. I picked that number specifically. It was code numbers for some middle school boys my friends and I had made up. (Don't laugh, you know you had code names too). So I stalled, hoping things would calm down.

One day I had two calls, normally I only got one every few days. Then I was sitting on break at work and his number popped up. Sam was calling me. I just stared at my phone the entire time it rang. I wanted to answer and ask him what he could possibly think he needed to say to me. But I didn't answer. I'm done dealing with his crap and listening to his lies. Later that night I decided to text him back. I said, "I don't know why you think you have any reason to call me. But since you did, stop giving my number out to people who are looking for you". Maybe I should have just ignored it and not texted him. But I got it off my chest, and was able to just forget about it. But then I got another phone call. So I asked Jason to change my number while I was working that day. I have lived in Northwest Arkansas for almost 10 years, I might as well have the correct area code. This is my home. It always will be, now I have the phone number to back that up.

If anyone treats any of my family the way he did, you can bet I will be busting their door down and giving them a piece of my mind. But I am the hothead in my family, so no one would bat an eye. It would be strange for anyone else in my family to initiate any sort of confrontation. Since everything came to light all those years ago, I wish my dad and brothers were confrontational hotheads. I wished someone would have told him it's not ok to treat their daughter or sister like he did and knocked him out cold. But my brothers are neither violent or immature. So whenever anyone saw Sam they where always polite and cordial. He just got away with it. But my family has more important things to do than talk to someone who doesn't care. We have our happy wonderful lives, marriages and babies to be focusing on. So we will continue focusing on the present. Not the past which won't change, and doesn't matter.

I was in a wedding this weekend. One thing the officiant said was "Marriage entangled your families for life, no matter what happens your will always be connected."

My mind went back to my first marriage. I have no reason to ever come into contact with him. We didn't have kids to co-parent together. It was a clean break. I keep up with two of Sam's family members on social media now that it's been a few years. I didn't think what the officiant said could be true. But then when I thought about it. Our families are still connected even if we aren't. They still live in the same town and their paths cross regularly. As much as I wish my brothers or dad would beat the crap out of him, everyone is thankfully friendly.

I removed them all from social media when it first happened. I was going through intense pain. And seeing them post things about the happy things that they were doing together made it all even harder. The one family I actually felt I belonged to, I chose to walk away. I was no longer apart. Sometimes I wonder if It would be inappropriate to reach out now. None of them reached out to me once I had made my decision. But I can't blame them. It was a difficult awkward situation. I walked away from all of them, even if it wasn't my choice. Now that the healing has taken place I wonder how they are all doing. There are now several new babies, a new marriage and who knows what else. I miss his family. Every single one of them. 

Lots of places or things will remind me of memories I had with them. It happens all the time. It always brings a sad smile to my face. Great memories, sad it's over. In fact right across the street from where this wedding took place was where Sam's little brother got married. Seeing it brought back many happy memories of my old family. That was one of the last happy "night outs" me and Sam had before I found out the truth a couple months later at his other brothers wedding. 

Do I have these feelings about Sam? Not one, only about his family. I feel I should have some kind of nostalgia towards the guy I was in love with for 8 years, but I don't. I can honestly say I feel nothing when I think of him. The only time I wonder what he is up to, is when I get phone calls from law enforcement or lawyers looking for him. (Turns out he is giving my number to people he owes.) I just say, "I'm the ex wife. Stop calling me."  They apologize. Then someone different starts looking for him a few weeks later. Maybe if I knew he had turned his life around I would feel the happy sadness looking back on our time together that I feel for his family. But knowing he hasn't changed one bit, I don't have those feelings for him. I don't feel connected to him one bit. 

So yes. What the officiant said this weekend was true. Yes, marriage connects families forever. No matter what happens. The silliest things will always remind me of my old family. I will always be connected to them even if it's just in my head. I might not be apart of their family, but that doesn't mean I didn't take things from them. Their parenting style, their life choices, their beliefs, how they ran their home and loved their kids. They will never know me or my family now, but they will have a impact on how I build mine. 

Before my divorce I was a 'real' Christian. I read my Bible regularly and prayed a lot. I cared and made an effort. It was something I was passionate about and a huge priority in my life. Leadership and ministry was something I always had some part in wherever I was. When my divorce started happening I might not have  fallen away from my faith, but I fell away from the church and my personal relationship with God.

I mentioned previously my panic attacks when I would try to head to church. And my feelings that everyone was judging me. Reading my Bible frustrated me to no end because there wasn't anything about what I was going through. It felt so impersonal. I wanted to read something about an abusive husband and read exactly what God wanted me to do. I heard God in my prayers speak to me and give me peace. But I wanted something tangible to prove divorcing my husband was ok so others would believe me. I was very angry in my pain. After I got over my anger I had no desire to be a Christian. I didn't care. I felt all Christians were fake. I realized recently why I felt that. I have had multiple experiences when I have tried to be real and vulnerable at church, I was told to keep quiet. 

*When I was in Jr high at church I tried to share with my small group leader about some hard things I was dealing with. She responded with, "I know your grandfather. Your family is perfect." I don't care how wonderful and amazing my grandparents are, no family is perfect. 

*When I was working at a summer camp after my senior year of high school and the director found out I had moved out of my parents house. He told me I was wrong and he probably wouldn't hire me full time the next year because of it. He never asked me why I moved out. (10 years later, I still without a shadow of a doubt know I wasn't wrong)

*I was leading a small group of freshman in college. One of our lessons was on God's goodness. I was dealing with some tough stuff and I wasn't really feeling God's goodness at the time but I believed He was. I opened it and explained what I was going through and why I was having trouble feeling that and I didn't want lead the discussion because I would feel I was faking it. It was honestly the best small group discussion I ever 'led'. Because I was honest about my life and doubts, everyone else felt they could be too. One of the staff members happened to be there. She told me later I should not have done that. Because as a leader I had to be all "put together" in front of them. That was the end of  both me AND my co-leader being apart of that ministry. 

Since I got over my intense anger I had been going through the motion. Jason and I joined a church we both loved. We got into a small group. We were volunteering. I want Peyton to be raised in a Christian home. But I just couldn't bring myself to put in any effort. I still didn't care.

I won't go into the details, but a few weeks ago at our church our pastor and his wife got up and shared personal details of how they were not perfect. It was the first time in my 27 years of being in church that the pastor did not just claim to be a sinner, he shared the ugly details. He was 100% transparent. The leadership of the church spoke after him and said, "he is still our pastor, we still love him, we will stand by him. We will move forward."

The next week his wife preached on the dark valleys we go through in our lives. She called us to all be people who confessed to each other our struggles and failures. At the end of the service they had some staff standing up if anyone wanted to confess or ask for prayer. For the first time in a long time I heard God speak to me. God was telling me to stop floating, get back to working and being passionate about my relationship with him. It was time to stop watching everyone else be Christians, and start being one. I was now in a place that wouldn't shun me for not always saying the 'correct' answer. 

I had to have my best friend come be a witness to verify everything I said was true. Jason also had to come say he was claiming Peyton as his, and he would accept all financial responsibility for her. I hated asking a friend to help me. It's not the kind of thing you sign up to do as a friend. Especially after everything she had already done for me. I was also mad Jason had to come. He had to sit there through my case, then claim Peyton's financial responsibility. No one could ever think Jason would run out on his child, but I had to get him to legally claim Peyton in order to get my divorced finalized. 

(Side note: There are so many single moms doing it alone with out emotional or financial support from a man claiming the children. Why can't a women get divorced when she is pregnant with the excuse of someone needs to claim the baby?)

We all had arrived, we sat and waited. I had no idea if Sam would show up. I knew he knew when and where. What would happen if he did show? We were all sworn in and still no sign of him. I was relieved, but still nervous he might arrive late. Luckily for me we were the only case that day so there wasn't an audience. When I was called to the stand and answered his basic questions I wanted to interrupt and scream. I wanted to explain to the judge that it wasn't my fault. I was a victim, I wanted to tell him everything Sam had done while we were married. But I was only allowed to answer yes or no. So the judge, police officers, and the girl taking notes all saw a 8 month pregnant woman get on the stand and divorce her absent husband while another man claimed the child.

I was embarrassed. These people didn't know the story. They didn't know why. They didn't know the details of what he had put me through and how he had shattered my heart. It wasn't my fault I had found my soulmate during those two years and we were so ecstatic to finally have a child and life we both had wanted for years.

After we all were on the stand and questioned the judge looked at me and said. "I'm going to grant you your divorce. Good luck." He has so much sarcasm in his voice when he told me good luck. I was angry. I didn't need luck, but I know how it looked to him.  Jason told me he probably didn't think anything of me. That he sat there all day long divorcing people, so he was really cynical about relationships.

I didn't shed a tear that day. I wasn't sad. I hadn't been married to Sam for two years. Nothing changed in the way I felt about him or viewed our relationship because nothing had changed. Instead I was relieved. I had never felt more free and relaxed in my entire life. All the weight in the world was finally off my shoulders. 

Jason and I literally walked across the street from the court house to the office to apply for our marriage license right after that. We laugh about the strangeness of it often. Jason wanted to ask the guy who sold us out license how many couples had just come from divorce court. I told him not to make more strangers judge us.

I grew up abused sexually and mentally. I don't say this to accuse or try to hurt my abusers. No, I won't mention any names or any details that would tie back to them. I promise whoever you are thinking, you are wrong. I'm not writing for revenge or to hurt other people. I write this to help others in similar situations. Or people who don't have a clue and don't understand why some people act the way they do. I read so many self help books but none of them ever helped me. So I feel the need to share my process. 

Through my traumatic experiences I had taught my mind to shut down and block out what was happening. I got very good at it. So good that most of those moments I did not remember until I was married and I started having flash backs.  Before then I honestly had no memory of what happened until something would feel 'similar'. The memories came flooding back and I had severe panic attacks. I was to remember what happened and learn to deal with it.  Even this week I remembered an event that I had repressed. 

Sex was excruciatingly painful. I knew the first time was suppose to hurt and be uncomfortable. But it never got better. When I mentioned to my Dr it wasn't possible, she sent me to sex physical therapy. It took several months for me to get up the nerve to go. But I'm glad I did. I'll spare the details, but if you are having these issues ask your doctor. The first question the therapist asked was if I was abused. She said most of her patients are sexual abuse victims. They build up scar tissue that won't stretch like its suppose too. This can happen even to girls who were never touched inside. 

Sex was physically possible after I finished the therapy. I didnt just not enjoy it, I hated it. I still had panic attacks. We had figured out how to just get it done to try for a baby. We thought that once I had a baby it would fix itself (because of things the dr had told me about my issue). Looking back It seems I knew something was still very wrong with my marriage. Even if I couldn't put my finger on what it was. My mind was still in survival mode and shutting down to protect myself.

I felt Sam just gave up. He acted like he did not care we had a sexless marriage. Looking back he probably didn't want to push me to open up to him when he was hiding so much from me. After we split up I told myself I wouldn't marry again unless we had worked through my sex issue together. I didn't want another relationship that lacked sex. It's a very important aspect of a relationship. I needed a man who was willing to encourage and push me through to help me learn sex is a good thing. If the whole world is obsessed with sex it had to be a good thing. I wanted it. 

Jason was that man. He didn't understand even though he tried. He would get frustrated and mad. But that's ok, cause I would get just as mad and frustrated. We did not just brush it under the rug. We worked hard on it and talked it to death. It didn't take as long as I thought it would. My mind still reverts back and remembers things I had repressed and I shut down. Jason is not a man I need to protect myself from. I refuse to be with Jason when my mind is shutting down, I want to be present with him in the moment, I don't need to fear him. One thing he would always say to me when I was panicking, "it's just you and me" he would talk to me so all I would hear was his voice and could focus on him. When we got our promise rings that engraved on the inside of his. My panic attacks get fewer and father between the longer we are together. 

Sexual abuse is real. It's tough. There is much more to it than the actually act being raped. If you have never been abused in that way you can't fully understand how it impacts every aspect of your life, not just the physical. The statistics are high, most people have been abused in some way. So you are not alone. It is not your fault. You do not need to be ashamed. There is ways to get help. You can get through it and be a survivor instead of a victim. PTSD is real and hard to deal with, it's ok to need help.

Another aspect of abuse is mental and emotional. It frustrates me to no end that it's not a kind of relationship that can be legally stopped. It's one persons word against another. It can't be proven. But it happens. It's harder to get help. Most cases you don't even realize it's happening before its to late. You don't have to go through it alone. You can share what's happening with a friend or other adult. They can walk through it with you even if there isn't a way to get you out of the situation. 

Because Sam and I signed a covenant marriage license I couldn't divorce him when I wanted to. There was stipulations. We had to be separated for two years. We had to go to counseling. All because he didn't hit me or have sex with someone else.

My lawyer asked me every time we talked if I had any reason to believe Sam was cheating on me. He said every time he sees a situation like mine, there is no way Sam was faithful to me. I had no reason to think that. If I knew what I knew now, I would have dug deeper.  But I was tired of searching for answers. Tired of looking for things that would break my heart more. 

I did everything I needed to do. I had my counseling done. (He never showed up for his part.) We couldn't live separately because the judge put him under house arrest in my home because that was his legal address. My lawyer said it was not be a problem. Fast forward a year I had gone through the toughest part of grieving process. I had everything done with my lawyer, i just had to wait until it has been two years. I dealt it all the best way I could. 

Sam signed the divorce papers. I was pregnant but wasn't sure if he knew. I wore a jacket. Not because I wanted to hide Peyton, but this was not the place he needed to find out if he hadn't already heard through the grapevine. Jason came for my protection, with all the drama and hateful things Sam had said and done, Jason wasn't letting me and his baby be alone with him. He sat in the car and waited while we went in and had everything notarized just in case I needed him. No problems.

Fast forward a few months and my lawyer forgot I was pregnant so we needed different papers. The judge would not grant a pregnant woman a divorce without someone to claim my child. No problem. Except for the fact Sam had moved out of town to live with his parents. I had to get my brothers to take it to him to get notarized. He did, but he printed it on cartoon paper. My lawyer obviously couldn't use that. When I told Sam to try again, he tried to fight me. He said we never did counseling  (he never showed up). That it hadn't been two years. (I counted from the day I found out. Legally I could have said it was the last time we had sex and moved the date way up.) I very firmly told him that he had already signed all the divorce papers. This new paper just said that he was not the father of my child. So if he didn't sign it, the judge would make him pay child support. 

He signed the papers that day. Everything was ready. I had been ready for two years. I just had a few more days to wait.

The year we had to be roommates we split all the bills in half. That was one of the reasons we couldn't get separate places, one of us couldn't afford it on our own. It really was no surprise when he didn't pay his half for the last few months. I of course kept track of what he owed me and he kept telling me he would get my money to me. One day after we had moved out he met me at the bank with a check for it all. I should have demanded he go in and get me cash but I told him if it bounced I would turn him in. He promised it was good. I deposited it. It bounced. But not after it had cleared in my account for a week. My account went under despite me calling the bank saying it hadn't been pending for several days before I spent it. (I booked a cruise with the money, something I always wanted to do but thought was impossible.)

When I found out, I cried. Not because he had lied to me me again, but because I fell for it. The guy broke into my car to steal my debit card, and I was stupid enough to trust him again. I turned him in. Lucky for me he wrote in the memo it was for bills, otherwise they couldn't have done anything. It took several months, but I got my check from the police for my money. 

I decided then I would never allow him to affect me, I didn't even shed a tear the day I got divorced. (I'll get into later). He doesn't deserve to be able to control me or my emotions. He continued doing things that were despicable, but I learned to expect it, laugh at his ridiculousness and get on with my life. I taught myself to expect lies, and not be blinded by wanting to believe he had changed. He will never change.

I can imagine only one reason I would ever be affected. What will I feel when he moves on, if he changes and settles down with someone else. I hope he does turn into a responsible adult and finds the happiness I have found. But I will wonder what it is about her that I didn't have. Why wasn't I enough for him? I'm a woman, we always compare ourselves. Those feelings will happen it's a fact. I just have to keep reminding myself that his issues are not my fault. It was never something I brought upon myself.

Finally the lease was up. I had found the cheapest apartment in town to move into.  My friends helped me move in the snow. When I went back for the last load Sam was there. He wasn't suppose to be there that day. I couldn't hold back the emotions I had been bottling up. I hugged him when I left. Knowing it was our last. He told me he was sorry for everything. I walked out the door and never looked back. 

I don't know why, but after I unpacked everything, I had to go back to the house. I sat on the floor of my empty house and lost control. I don't know how long I just sat there with my dog in my lap crying, at least a few hours. Everything I had worked for and wanted was gone. What was I suppose to do now? How do I move forward after such a terrible blow?

That was a turning point in my life that night. I don't know how to explain what happened as a lay on the floor that night, but something changed. I walked into the empty house that night a broken girl. I had so many questions, so much guilt and self doubt. But when I stood up and drove away to my new life, I was no longer a victim. I was going to survive this. I no longer felt I failed. I no longer blamed myself for his issues. They had nothing to do with me. There will always be questions, things that don't make sense to me which I will never get an explanation. I just have to be ok with that. My marriage might have failed, but I was not a failure. I had gone down swinging, I did everything I could. 

I'm not sure how to write this next part of my story. I got messy. I did not handle things properly or how I should have being a woman or a Christian. Since I am being honest about what he did to me. It is only fair I am honest about how I reacted. I don't agree with everything I thought, felt or did. I'm even embarrassed by how I acted in several situations. That's not the kind of women I am or ever want to be. Before going through it myself I would have probably scratched my head at another woman doing what I did. 

I didn't want a commitment, but I was so lonely. I couldn't trust anyone, but I wanted to have fun. Honestly I needed a distraction from what was going on at home. I had several friends with benefit relationships in the few months following. Someone always ends up with more feelings then the other in that kind of relationship. I experienced both sides of that. I drank a lot. (Nothing unhealthy or irresponsible, but way more than I ever had or ever will again.) I would always stay at my friends when I did, which means I slept at her house all the time. When I was drinking I was able to laugh about my nightmare of a situation. People liked being around "Crazy Christine". I needed to be around people.

Was I cheating on my husband? Maybe in a legal view or in some people's mind. But not to me. Sam did not respect his wedding vows he made. Why should I still live by mine? I was not going to sit at home and cry and be sad and alone for two years waiting on the legal aspect of our relationship to be resolved. He was continuing his lying, stealing and hurting me, why should I continue to fix us? If we had not had a covenant marriage license, we would have already been divorced.

I remember the day after someone else had kissed me for the first time I remember standing across the room crying begging him not to come any closer to me. I was scared of him, not because another guy had kissed me. Because I couldn't keep a secret from him for a day without it eating up up. And I didn't owe him anything. He lied to me for years while telling me he loved me. I was furious. Did he have a conscious?  How could you lie to someone you love for so long? More questions I will never have answers too. 

I often wondered why it was so easy for me to move on so fast. Was it because I didn't love Sam? I don't think so. It was because for so many years I had already been alone emotionally. He wasted years of my life while I tried to build a relationship and marriage with him. Once I realized it was never going to happen, My heart disconnected faster than I ever imagined.

I met a guy at a party. He was a sweetheart with a taste of bad boy rebel. I explained my situation to him when he asked me out. He didn't care and took me out on an incredible first date. We rode his bike out of town to the most fancy steak place I have ever been too. I had never been on a date with someone who I hadn't ever talked to. It was a new exciting experience. We continued hanging out. He was a safe place for me to escape from my reality. I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious and he agreed. He divorced a woman who was a drug addict that beat him almost to death. Once he picked to on the fact I was not safe in my house with Sam, he gave me a key to his house and told me to come an go when I needed to. He didn't want me in my house because he understood what I was going through. Many nights when I was especially anxious I would stay over at his place. He worked nights so he wasn't there much. Even though we had said we were casual, after 7 months it had become more to him. He told me he loved me. I started to feel very guilty. I cared about him so much. He was a great boyfriend and tons of fun, but we wanted different from life. I wanted kids and eventually to be able to go back to church without having a panic attack. He didn't. I realized I was using him. I felt bad for hurting him. It was never my intention. So I broke things off.

I had been in committed relationships non stop since I was 15. I had never played the field, I had never just messed around. I always wondered if I had missed out on some important part of life by settling down so young. I hadn't. Dating and being wild is way over rated. It doesn't bring any joy or fulfillment. Now I never have to wonder. I enjoyed the experience. And so many times when I was married I would wonder about the "what ifs" and felt I missed a big part of life by always being attached to someone. 

I learned valuable things for my healing by each of the relationships. Just because the relationships were meaningless and sometimes silly, doesn't mean the people were not important to me. One showed me that even though I had some dark messed up skeletons on my closet, it would not scare away a real man. One showed me in just the 48 hours we saw each other that men who respect women and treat them like a lady do exist. After that weekend I had hope about my future. Before that weekend I did not believe those kind of men existed outside of the movies. One taught me that running around and having "fun" is the farthest thing from fun. Because of him I found out who my real friends were and who was fake and would believe lies about me he spread.