She Found Her Wings

I had a blog post I was working on. But I couldn't wrap it up. Or put the thoughts I had in my mind to print. Jason read it and felt it was a repeat of other posts (it's a lot of details about how guys take advantage of girls without even realizing it. An important topic I need to work on more). I struggled with how to word what was spinning around my head. I just wasn't getting the point I wanted across. So I decided to scrap it and start all over.

I work hard at fight my demons, and be an stable independent woman. I hate being vulnerable around people I love and trust, much less people I don't trust. I was publicly broken and raw for so long. I feel I don't deserve anymore hard days because my life is so wonderful right now. When I have them I keep it to myself. I am so blessed to be where I am in life now after such a dark road. But it did not come easy. It was hard for me, it took a lot of praying. And most of those prayers were not coming from me. 

I completely lost it at work last week and had a full blown panic attack. Several people thought me and another employee were fighting. People were talking and asking me crazy off the wall questions about why I was so upset. I got annoyed at how much people make up their own truth about me. It made me doubt why I started this blog. Everyone has always had something to say about me. Even in grade school people would talk about me. Most of the things I have heard haven't even been true, but its still hurtful. I started wondering this week if I started this blog so people would stop talking about me. I was the one setting the record strait, even if it wasn't flattering. But that was a lie from the devil. I started sharing my story with the women around me. And they opened up to me and shared also. We heal together knowing we were not alone in our pain. I knew a blog would help more people than the handful of people in my life. Whatever my motives were, or people think, my blog has helped many people. And that's enough for me to keep writing. Even if it feels repetitive at times.

If you have never had a panic attack, it doesn't just end when it's over. My body, emotions and brain will be tense and sensitive for many days after. In those few days after my panic attack I saw something on social media that upset me. In my weakened emotional state made my funk last longer. A mutual friend had posted a picture of Sam. It brought up emotions and thoughts I don't normally have. If I were to dwell on my past and all the unanswered questions I would be a bitter miserable person. However seeing the picture brought back all the questions and emotions. When I think about it now I don't really care. It doesn't normally affect me. I was only in a raw state coming off a panic attack. I hate that it affected me at all. But it did.

I'm not ashamed that I have a failed marriage in my past. But sometimes I wish I has more time to explain to people when I see the judgment in their eyes. For instance the guy who was filling out my passport application when he said, "well one name change is allowed, but with two marriages we need legal documentation." I wanted to tell him how I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough. I wanted to tell him all the horrible things Sam had done to me. But I didn't say a word. I have encounters like that occasionally. People see me and are shocked that someone so young is already on a second marriage. I can see them trying to look into my eyes and figure out what is wrong with me. If I have a chance I try to say a little bit, but normally I just have to deal with their judgmental looks.

There are still bad day. But I try my best to keep them to myself. Because I am so happy, I can't and I won't let my old demons from my past affect my present. Because then they win, and I will not allow that.

Weddings like crazy in my family this spring. My sister married a wonderful man this past weekend. A man who I am obsessed with for her. I told her when he asked her out I needs a 3 page paper on all his flaws so I can be realistic about him as a human. (She hasn't done that yet, I bet after a year of marriage she could do it.) My brother gets married next month. I'm also obsessed with his lady. Every time she opens her mouth I fall even more in love with her. Major plus, I'm no longer the weird one in the family because she is crazy! 

Of course in all the toasts and wedding festivities everyone is giving the couples marriage advice. No one said anything bad, but the couples aren't listening. Not because they weren't paying attention, but I promise you, they won't remember a word anyone said the whole weekend. So I didn't give them any advise. Except to call me when they feel alone and scared things are failing, because I have been there. So they don't have to do it alone.

So here is my marriage advise, for my sister and her husband, my brother and his wife, and the whole rest of the world because apparently I am a blogger. And everyone wants to hear what a girl who was divorced at the age of 24 has to say about marriage. (Yes that was sarcasm)

You are both going to fail each other. Both of y'all will break each other's hearts. You wont be able to keep every word of your vows every day, you are human. Some failures will be bigger than others, but whatever you do, whatever happens. NEVER LIE ABOUT IT. Don't try to hide your failures. Your spouse does not expect you to be perfect. Anything can be worked through and fixed if you are both committed to fix whatever issues that come up. But if you lie about it, there is no coming back from that. Once I had been lied to so many times by Sam, I was at the point where even if he did start telling the truth, I would never be able to trust that it was truth. Once trust is broken, it will never be the same as it was. Just never lie!!!

So Brother and Sister, If things start looking bad for you and your spouse and one of you isn't fighting for your marriage. Don't be surprised when I show up at your door and ask you some rough questions. I wish someone would have come into my home, grabbed Sam by the neck and said, "You promised, I heard you on your wedding day make all those promises, why are you treating her like this?" His dad did do that. His dad asked him the hard questions. His dad yelled at him. His dad also asked me the hard questions, and yelled at me when I did my stupid things. Because he really cared. He was fighting for his family. Unfortunately his dad and I lost the war. But you better believe, I'll fight for you, I'll fight for your marriage. Because it's important. It's a family thing, and I care.

Most people don't realize they are in abusive relationships. Or they don't want to admit it because once a person admits it, then they need to do something about it. I'm not a professional therapist. I'm just a girl who has been through it (not just with my ex husband, but other people in my life as well) and I have a heart for those hurting in this way. Sometimes I hear people mention little things about their relationship to me. I wonder if it is a cry for help or if they are just talking. It's hard to walk up to someone and ask them if they need help if you aren't 100% sure. Either they wouldn't know what you are talking about, or they will get mad and defensive. People don't like talking about it. So if you know me and ever want to talk about it, please do. I would love to grab a coffee and listen. I complied a list of signs from my life, and from all my reading and studying other smarter people's opinions. 

-You have communication problems. Your feelings are never heard. It's always about them. Do you completely avoid topics? Do you spend more time figuring out how to word something than actually having the conversation?

-You make excuses for them about the way they treat you. All relationships have times when one is going through a difficult or stressful time. At that time yes the other partner might not be on their best behavior towards those closest to them. But stress at work, family or friends should never be an excuse to tear down your partner. There is a huge difference between discussing a issue your partner has in order to help them be better, and tearing them apart for every little thing.

-Between the times they are tearing you down are they overly nice to you? It's confusing. One day they can be screaming and hate you. But the next it's overly sweet and romantic. 

-They never admit they have a problem. The way you feel is always your fault. Sometimes the way they treat you is so minor it's hard to verbalized without feeling like you are being petty, so it's easy to believe you are the issue. 

-They won't see a therapist with you, or they fake who they are for the therapist. It's very normal to have issues. Needing some therapy or a third party to talk with is not a bad thing. It's a huge red flag if your partner will not go to counseling with you. Your partner should be willing to work on whatever needs to be worked on for a successful marriage. If one is unhappy, the other should be willing to figure out why and how to help.

-You constantly feel you are walking on eggshells. If you say or do one slightly 'wrong' thing it will cause a war. They will manipulate anything you say against you. Basically no matter how hard you try, there will be a fight and nothing you say will ever be right.

-They are obsessed with control. They have to get their way and run every aspect of both m your lives. If they are not getting their way, they make everyone around them miserable.

-They have no empathy, for you or your feelings or anyone else's. The only thing that matters is how they feel. And if you are the one with a crisis in your life, they will somehow turn it around to their crisis. You will then be comforting and taking care of them when you are the one needing comfort.

-There is a 'dark cloud' over you too. When people are around you they can feel the tension. They don't like it, so most people avoid both of you. Normally people close to you can more objectively see there is a problem before the ones involved because their emotions aren't tied to it. It's hard to tell someone you love you think they are being abused. It's easier to pull away from that person then have a hard conversation that might be taken badly.

-Is your relationship 50/50? Common marriage advice is that marriages are 100/100. When one person is having a issue (like a sickness or loss of a job) the other should pick up the slack. Get a job, do more around the house. Because in life pretty sure eventually the tables will turn and your partner will pick up your slack when you are sick or out of work. In a healthy marriage both work hard to do everything for the other. But if your partner doesn't put in their half, but they expect you to put in not just your half, but their half too. An abusive relationship is more like 100/0.  

If you feel these describe your relationship. You need help. Your partner needs help. However if they will not admit it and refusing help. There is nothing you can do. It's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve them to treat you this way. You have probably spend many years convincing yourself that it is normal. Many people believe because they married them means they have to stay married and deal with it. Each person has to get to the point where they feel leaving is right. People can tell them that they need to leave. But if they didn't make that decision for themselves, they will end up taking them back. I know, as someone who lived with an abusive person for years it's not easy. There will be some hard months after you've made the decision and leave. But there is a great deal of real joy and freedom you will experience after freeing yourself from the chains of an abusive relationship. 

This morning It will have been a year since we lost my grandmother. My mom called before 7 am. Before I even called her back, I knew what had happened. It sounds wrong. It sounds like just some person I am related to had died. The words "my grandmother" don't even come close to describing how much she meant to me. She has never been just "my grandmother", but my guardian angel, my friend and my role model, my second mother. With my bad relationship with my own mother, Dorsey was who I viewed as my mother. Today is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for every moment, conversation, cuddle, laugh and adventure I had with her. 

Spending the night at her house was always my favorite. Especially when I got to go alone without my brothers. She was the best cook. After we cuddled in her bed watching tv, She would always say prayers with me and tuck me in, and give me kisses. What I wouldn't give for one more sleepover. One more time to be tucked in the way she does best. She took my brothers and me on big vacations. She never missed any performance or event in my life. She was sick the day I got my first period, but she send Grandan over with a present for me. I was mortified then, but it's hilarious now. All seemingly small things, but they meant the world to me.

I remember after her stroke communicating was hard. She never fully recovered and it was hard seeing her like that. She didn't remember things, she couldn't hear me when I called. I hated being far away. I couldn't spend as much time as I wanted. I missed so much time I could have spent with her if I had not moved. Her and my sister were my reasons to visit. 

During my first marriage. She was the one I turned to. Her and my grandfather helped me financially and supported me through the whole thing. She never once said a word, she let my grandfather do all the talking and lecturing. She just did all the loving. Sam told me it frustrated him talking to her because she always asked him about his job and financial situation. Looking back I think she knew Sam was still lying even though no one else did. She was probably trying to get him to fess up to me. I remember sitting across from her at dinner telling her I miscarried her first great-grandchild and was getting a divorce. She again didn't say a word, she didn't look surprised, she just hugged me. Cause she knew nothing anyone said would change my situation or take my pain away.

At the end I remember sitting in her hospital room. Everyone said she was unresponsive. But she kept squeezing my hand and looking at me. She couldn't talk, but she was trying to tell me something. It was hard for me to meet her eyes and see her like that. She would stare at Peyton when she wasn't looking at me. The next time I saw her I knew it was the last. I just wanted to curl up in her bed with her and stay by her side until the last possible second. But I had a husband and a baby and a responsibilities. It was so hard walking away. Knowing I would never see her again this side of heaven. What do you say in that moment? How do you let someone know they mean everything to you. And they were perfect. And you don't know how to go on without them. And you wish you will be just like them when you grow up. Through my uncontrollable sobs and blubbering words, I hope she knew.

I will hear her favorite hymns play at work or other places, and I feel her presence. I sing Peyton to sleep in her rocking chair every night. Some of the songs I learned sitting next to her in church every Sunday. I can still remember her voice singing them. One night I was just overwhelmed by the feeling that she was watching me. I sat there and I talked to her and cried while Peyton slept in my arms. I don't know why, I don't know how to explain it. (Maybe I accidentally had two doses of my meds that morning.) I feel her presence a lot. Now if that's actually what's happening, or if it's just in my head I'll never know. Either way, It helps me feel better thinking she is here watching over me. 

I have gone back and forth on if I will ever share publicly about  my relationship with my mother and how it affected me. Considering she is making an effort to have a relationship with me in my adult life. I will refrain. Just know, it was horrible. My Mom and I see the world in completely opposite ways. Growing up I never knew why my mom hated me. Now that I'm older I see that she does love me. She just has the strangest ways of showing it. I did not understand that was her showing her love, because it felt the opposite.

In my many conversations with friends who have similar mother/daughter relationships as mine. The way a child feels growing up directly affects how she allows herself to be treated in adult relationships.

If a child is not treated with respect and love, they won't believe they deserve it when they are older. When kids are beat down as a young child or teenager they are taught they are not valuable. Why would they think a stranger should treat them as they were special if those in their life who were suppose to encourage and love them never did. If their parent can't see and express the value in them, why would a stranger? 

How you speak to your child isn't just about building up their self esteem. It's teaching them what they should expect from a partner later in life. What you model for your children directly affects what kind of relationship they will have. Treat them the way you want their future partner to treat them. And in addition to that, treat your partner how you want someone to treat your child. Kids see how their parents interact. Take any child as small as a one year old, they copy everything they see their parents to.

One thing I have told myself since I was about 14. If I only do one thing to do right as a parent, it would be that my child never has to wonder if I love them. I'm sure I will do thousands of things wrong as a parent. And even at one year of age, Peyton has the biggest attitude and strongest will I have ever seen in a baby. We are going to go around and around as she grows up. But I hope in all our fights and her getting in so much trouble, she never doubts that we think she is unique, special and that her parents love her more than anything. I can see her as a teenager saying, "mom stop, I know you love me. Leave me alone." I pray she sees the love and respect Jason and I have for each other, I hope she accepts nothing less.

When I started getting older, my mom read me multiple books on puberty and sex. I could tell you what all my insides were for and what they looked like. But I didn't know a single thing about what sex actually was. It seemed my parents were trying to always teach us about it, but somehow never actually taught us a thing.  What I did know about it I picked up from friends or 'on the streets'.

That seems to be a very common with my generation being raised in the church, and especially the homeschool community.' None of us knew anything other than its bad, don't do it until marriage. Holding hands and kissing lead to sex, so we better not do that either. Any sexual desires or feelings we should be ashamed of. Lots of my friends were not even allowed to say "sex" in their house. It was a bad word. My parents were very open talking about sex and "not cool' topics. But somehow even with all that. I didn't know what it was.

Those of us girls who waited for our future husband were miserable on our wedding night. If we had had sex before marriage we thought it was bad because we were sinning. Then when after we got married and it was still bad. We assumed it was because we did it before we got married. We were being punished. Something we had been taught from childhood that was bad we were suddenly suppose to do and enjoy. It takes many years to be able to get over the mentality sex is wrong. Desires and pleasure are nothing to be ashamed of. 

Sex is not bad. It's not gross. It's not sinful. It's a wonderful physical act of the intimacy you share with your partner.  A couple cannot go from zero to sixty overnight because they signed a piece of paper. Just as the intimacy grows over time as you get to know each other, that's how the sexual side of your relationship should grow. Slowly. The act of sex will increase your intimacy, and the intimacy will make the sex better. I don't think you can have one without the other. 

Does that mean I think you should have sex with everyone you date? Not a chance. It's the deepest form of intimacy. Not something you should share with everyone. Waiting for the right person at the right time will protect you from being hurt and attached emotionally to someone you shouldn't be connected to on sure a deep level.

I asked my sister what she and her new boyfriend had talked about the physical aspect of their relationship. She told me I was going to be mad at her. They are going wait until their relationship deepens before they kiss. Psh! How could I be mad? (I told her I would only be mad unless she told me she wasn't going to kiss until her wedding day.) That seems to be the correct way about doing things.

How in the world will I teach my daughter all this? I don't know. But I hope she learns sex is a wonderful thing, not something to be ashamed of. But then again, Peyton is always going to be one year old. Luckily Jason and I have about nine years to figure it out. And even then, I'm sure even with our best intentions, we will completely screw up. 

I was in a wedding this weekend. One thing the officiant said was "Marriage entangled your families for life, no matter what happens your will always be connected."

My mind went back to my first marriage. I have no reason to ever come into contact with him. We didn't have kids to co-parent together. It was a clean break. I keep up with two of Sam's family members on social media now that it's been a few years. I didn't think what the officiant said could be true. But then when I thought about it. Our families are still connected even if we aren't. They still live in the same town and their paths cross regularly. As much as I wish my brothers or dad would beat the crap out of him, everyone is thankfully friendly.

I removed them all from social media when it first happened. I was going through intense pain. And seeing them post things about the happy things that they were doing together made it all even harder. The one family I actually felt I belonged to, I chose to walk away. I was no longer apart. Sometimes I wonder if It would be inappropriate to reach out now. None of them reached out to me once I had made my decision. But I can't blame them. It was a difficult awkward situation. I walked away from all of them, even if it wasn't my choice. Now that the healing has taken place I wonder how they are all doing. There are now several new babies, a new marriage and who knows what else. I miss his family. Every single one of them. 

Lots of places or things will remind me of memories I had with them. It happens all the time. It always brings a sad smile to my face. Great memories, sad it's over. In fact right across the street from where this wedding took place was where Sam's little brother got married. Seeing it brought back many happy memories of my old family. That was one of the last happy "night outs" me and Sam had before I found out the truth a couple months later at his other brothers wedding. 

Do I have these feelings about Sam? Not one, only about his family. I feel I should have some kind of nostalgia towards the guy I was in love with for 8 years, but I don't. I can honestly say I feel nothing when I think of him. The only time I wonder what he is up to, is when I get phone calls from law enforcement or lawyers looking for him. (Turns out he is giving my number to people he owes.) I just say, "I'm the ex wife. Stop calling me."  They apologize. Then someone different starts looking for him a few weeks later. Maybe if I knew he had turned his life around I would feel the happy sadness looking back on our time together that I feel for his family. But knowing he hasn't changed one bit, I don't have those feelings for him. I don't feel connected to him one bit. 

So yes. What the officiant said this weekend was true. Yes, marriage connects families forever. No matter what happens. The silliest things will always remind me of my old family. I will always be connected to them even if it's just in my head. I might not be apart of their family, but that doesn't mean I didn't take things from them. Their parenting style, their life choices, their beliefs, how they ran their home and loved their kids. They will never know me or my family now, but they will have a impact on how I build mine. 

Before my divorce I was a 'real' Christian. I read my Bible regularly and prayed a lot. I cared and made an effort. It was something I was passionate about and a huge priority in my life. Leadership and ministry was something I always had some part in wherever I was. When my divorce started happening I might not have  fallen away from my faith, but I fell away from the church and my personal relationship with God.

I mentioned previously my panic attacks when I would try to head to church. And my feelings that everyone was judging me. Reading my Bible frustrated me to no end because there wasn't anything about what I was going through. It felt so impersonal. I wanted to read something about an abusive husband and read exactly what God wanted me to do. I heard God in my prayers speak to me and give me peace. But I wanted something tangible to prove divorcing my husband was ok so others would believe me. I was very angry in my pain. After I got over my anger I had no desire to be a Christian. I didn't care. I felt all Christians were fake. I realized recently why I felt that. I have had multiple experiences when I have tried to be real and vulnerable at church, I was told to keep quiet. 

*When I was in Jr high at church I tried to share with my small group leader about some hard things I was dealing with. She responded with, "I know your grandfather. Your family is perfect." I don't care how wonderful and amazing my grandparents are, no family is perfect. 

*When I was working at a summer camp after my senior year of high school and the director found out I had moved out of my parents house. He told me I was wrong and he probably wouldn't hire me full time the next year because of it. He never asked me why I moved out. (10 years later, I still without a shadow of a doubt know I wasn't wrong)

*I was leading a small group of freshman in college. One of our lessons was on God's goodness. I was dealing with some tough stuff and I wasn't really feeling God's goodness at the time but I believed He was. I opened it and explained what I was going through and why I was having trouble feeling that and I didn't want lead the discussion because I would feel I was faking it. It was honestly the best small group discussion I ever 'led'. Because I was honest about my life and doubts, everyone else felt they could be too. One of the staff members happened to be there. She told me later I should not have done that. Because as a leader I had to be all "put together" in front of them. That was the end of  both me AND my co-leader being apart of that ministry. 

Since I got over my intense anger I had been going through the motion. Jason and I joined a church we both loved. We got into a small group. We were volunteering. I want Peyton to be raised in a Christian home. But I just couldn't bring myself to put in any effort. I still didn't care.

I won't go into the details, but a few weeks ago at our church our pastor and his wife got up and shared personal details of how they were not perfect. It was the first time in my 27 years of being in church that the pastor did not just claim to be a sinner, he shared the ugly details. He was 100% transparent. The leadership of the church spoke after him and said, "he is still our pastor, we still love him, we will stand by him. We will move forward."

The next week his wife preached on the dark valleys we go through in our lives. She called us to all be people who confessed to each other our struggles and failures. At the end of the service they had some staff standing up if anyone wanted to confess or ask for prayer. For the first time in a long time I heard God speak to me. God was telling me to stop floating, get back to working and being passionate about my relationship with him. It was time to stop watching everyone else be Christians, and start being one. I was now in a place that wouldn't shun me for not always saying the 'correct' answer. 

Jason and I wanted to just make things legal at the court house. His family was to excited. They had sat and watched him crumble after his ex-wife decided one day she didn't want to be married and refused to speak to him again. They always hoped, but never expected he would trust anyone again. When I came into the picture everyone welcomed me with open arms and told me how happy they were to see Jason fall in love again. They kept telling me they always knew he wanted kids and a family, but they never thought they would see it happen for him. They were just as excited as I was to see Jason become a father. 

With how important family is to Jason and I, it went from a courthouse elopement, to a backyard wedding to an actual small ceremony at a local park. Honestly it was perfect. My brother got ordained and he preformed our shortest ceremony in the world. We wrote our own vows. That was important to us being we were a unique situation. Standard vows just didn't seem right.

I was not nervous at all. I had one minute of worry as I was hiding behind the trees waiting on it to start. Did I really want to legally tie myself to someone again, after how my last one destroyed my life? Was I stupid? Then I remembered I was marrying Jason. I didn't have one doubt that he was who I was suppose to marry. 

No one imagines their dream wedding being the second time around. Much less when they are 8 months pregnant. It wasn't ideal. We had plans of eloping to the beach, but getting pregnant changed that plan. It was the perfect way for us to start our lives officially married.  we were able to tie Peyton into our vows. I didn't stress about anything. Everything was laid back and casual. I think having a small wedding was the best option. I have none of the regrets we might have had if we had gone and signed papers at the courthouse. I'm one blessed woman.

I grew up in the homeschool Christian bubble. I fought the bubble and the views of that crowd. I saw many different parenting views from one extreme to the other as I grew up I saw what happens when the kids become adults.I have therefore formed opinions, and ideas of how I think is best. However,I have only been a parent for 14 months. I'm not an expert. I am scared to death we are going to screw up our daughter.

I heard a man speaking about how domestic violence is a men's issue, not a women's problem. We raise boys to believe girls are inferior. Saying things like, "toughen up", "you throw like a girl" teaches boys are better than girls. Boys are discouraged from showing emotion or crying when they are younger, they are only allowed to get angry. The mindset of men who attack and abuse women starts when they are little. We need to teach our sons to appreciate the femininity of girls, and respect their point of view from a young age. If we don't teach our sons how to respect girls, who will? 

On the flip side we need to teach our daughters that they are precious and show them how they should be treated. If they aren't taught when they are little and developing how they should be treated, they will not have good standards of how their boyfriends should be treating them. 

The recent cheating site hack that exposed a conservative Christian celeb has been all over social media. A woman posted her response on Facebook and it blew up. I have never read something I agree with as much as her post. I couldn't find the post when I went back to look for it. Her line, "I will raise my daughters to believe she breathes fire" has really stuck with me. 

In her post she's basically explains why this celebrities wife will never divorce her lying cheating husband. She has no education, no experience and was raised to believe she is inferior to her husband. She believes it's her job to stand by her husband quietly and take care of his house and kids with no opinions. That's all she knows, it's how she was raised. When she should be taking her kids and running from him, she can't. She believes him cheating was her fault. Her family, her friends, and her faith will shun her for divorcing him, not him for having multiple affairs. When problems arise it's the women's fault never the mans. My heart breaks for her. Where in the Bible does it show this is how marriage and women should be treated? Where does it show to treat girls as they are not valuable? 

I don't think women are more important as men. We are equally important and valuable. In my marriage, Jason values me and my opinions just as much as I value his. It's an equal partnership. When Christian men quote  "wives submit to your husband". They fail to keep reading the rest of the chapter where if goes into length about how a man should love and cherish his wife. When he treats her with love and honor, he will have earned her respect. If a woman submits to a man who doesn't respect her opinion and feelings, it's a breeding ground for an abusive situation.

My sister started her first real relationship over the summer. I love new exciting love. I'm so excited for my sister. She had some concerns. We stayed up most of the night talking about relationships and boys. Girl talk and giggles all night long is something I love, and talking about boys is even more fun.  New love is exciting and fun, but also scary and risky.

If there is someone who seems to be everything you could want in a spouse, but you don't have the romantic feelings for, give it a chance to see if the passion grows. Most relationships that just start off with intense passion without a foundation of something substantial, fizzle out and don't last. (Not saying they don't work out, Jason and I started off as a passionate whirlwind.) My sister in law said when my brother asked her out she didn't have a single reason to tell him no, and as their relationship grew and got to know each other, so did their romantic feelings and passion. It was the other end of the spectrum with Jason and I. We both knew at first sight we wanted forever with each other and all the feelings were there from the beginning.

Two completely different ways to fall in love. Does that mean one way is more correct than the other? No. Does one of our relationships have more love than the other? Nope. Some people have a defining moment when they know for a fact they fall in love. Others slowly realize it over time. It seems to my people fall in love the opposite of how they will expect it to happen. The real thing will challenge every view and expectation you ever had a lot love.

It is scary to have a friendship that you might lose if something goes south romantically. But counter to that, it could be the best thing to ever happen to you. What if you try to make something work with someone who seems interesting, but it doesn't work out. It seems conservative Christians value marrying the first person you date. It's special if it works out that way, but, that's not always good. Breaking up with a boyfriend is way easier then trying to force a relationship with a person you never should marry in the first place. Don't be afraid to break off a relationship if it's not right. Relationships will always be a risk and scary. No risk=no reward.

In my first marriage we never fought. I see now it's because Sam did not have convictions, not because we were the 'perfect' couple. When it came to how things were done everything was always done my way. Sometimes I wish Jason didn't care about things so much or have so many opinions so I can do things my way. Then I remember how great it is that I have a man that cares about the small details as well as the big issues. I'll take fighting with a man who has strong opinions but works hard to achieve our goals then a man who does it my way but doesn't work for it.

I fail. Jason fails. We both fail. However that never changes our our feelings and commitment to each other or our relationship. After one of our fights and ignoring the other for a day. I said, "still love me?" He said, "Yes, know how I know? Because no one could make me as angry as you can." Maybe I'm nuts. But that's one of the sweetest things ever to me.

I grew up abused sexually and mentally. I don't say this to accuse or try to hurt my abusers. No, I won't mention any names or any details that would tie back to them. I promise whoever you are thinking, you are wrong. I'm not writing for revenge or to hurt other people. I write this to help others in similar situations. Or people who don't have a clue and don't understand why some people act the way they do. I read so many self help books but none of them ever helped me. So I feel the need to share my process. 

Through my traumatic experiences I had taught my mind to shut down and block out what was happening. I got very good at it. So good that most of those moments I did not remember until I was married and I started having flash backs.  Before then I honestly had no memory of what happened until something would feel 'similar'. The memories came flooding back and I had severe panic attacks. I was to remember what happened and learn to deal with it.  Even this week I remembered an event that I had repressed. 

Sex was excruciatingly painful. I knew the first time was suppose to hurt and be uncomfortable. But it never got better. When I mentioned to my Dr it wasn't possible, she sent me to sex physical therapy. It took several months for me to get up the nerve to go. But I'm glad I did. I'll spare the details, but if you are having these issues ask your doctor. The first question the therapist asked was if I was abused. She said most of her patients are sexual abuse victims. They build up scar tissue that won't stretch like its suppose too. This can happen even to girls who were never touched inside. 

Sex was physically possible after I finished the therapy. I didnt just not enjoy it, I hated it. I still had panic attacks. We had figured out how to just get it done to try for a baby. We thought that once I had a baby it would fix itself (because of things the dr had told me about my issue). Looking back It seems I knew something was still very wrong with my marriage. Even if I couldn't put my finger on what it was. My mind was still in survival mode and shutting down to protect myself.

I felt Sam just gave up. He acted like he did not care we had a sexless marriage. Looking back he probably didn't want to push me to open up to him when he was hiding so much from me. After we split up I told myself I wouldn't marry again unless we had worked through my sex issue together. I didn't want another relationship that lacked sex. It's a very important aspect of a relationship. I needed a man who was willing to encourage and push me through to help me learn sex is a good thing. If the whole world is obsessed with sex it had to be a good thing. I wanted it. 

Jason was that man. He didn't understand even though he tried. He would get frustrated and mad. But that's ok, cause I would get just as mad and frustrated. We did not just brush it under the rug. We worked hard on it and talked it to death. It didn't take as long as I thought it would. My mind still reverts back and remembers things I had repressed and I shut down. Jason is not a man I need to protect myself from. I refuse to be with Jason when my mind is shutting down, I want to be present with him in the moment, I don't need to fear him. One thing he would always say to me when I was panicking, "it's just you and me" he would talk to me so all I would hear was his voice and could focus on him. When we got our promise rings that engraved on the inside of his. My panic attacks get fewer and father between the longer we are together. 

Sexual abuse is real. It's tough. There is much more to it than the actually act being raped. If you have never been abused in that way you can't fully understand how it impacts every aspect of your life, not just the physical. The statistics are high, most people have been abused in some way. So you are not alone. It is not your fault. You do not need to be ashamed. There is ways to get help. You can get through it and be a survivor instead of a victim. PTSD is real and hard to deal with, it's ok to need help.

Another aspect of abuse is mental and emotional. It frustrates me to no end that it's not a kind of relationship that can be legally stopped. It's one persons word against another. It can't be proven. But it happens. It's harder to get help. Most cases you don't even realize it's happening before its to late. You don't have to go through it alone. You can share what's happening with a friend or other adult. They can walk through it with you even if there isn't a way to get you out of the situation. 

I started reading romance novels. (Not because I wanted to, because those are the books that are free on iBooks)  It's so easy to hold when I rock Peyton to sleep or on breaks at work. I always have my phone. I don't always carry books around. Everyone has got crazy annoying on social media with their politics, religion and selling things. I couldn't stand it anymore. 

I remember growing up being taught romance novels were bad. "Christians shouldn't read those". Their argument being it gives girls unrealistic expectations of men. I understand the point of view because I was raised in the conservative Christian bubble. But truthfully I think it's a bit silly. High expectations are good, as long as you understand no man will be live up to them. If we taught young adults to expect the best, but know there will be failures. I think less young women would settle for the first guy who gives them attention. Instead they would actually wait for the guy who is going to treat them with respect. When you grow up hearing fairy tales and love stories are not real life, you don't wait for true love. You take what you get.

After I left my husband I mentioned a had several flings. My best friend got a new boyfriend she wanted me to meet. I have known her since 3rd grade we knew each other through all of our boy stages. I have never seen her more happy and alive. She was more Nancy then I had ever seen her. We had dinner together and had a fabulous time. I could tell in the first few minutes of meeting Stoney they had one of those once in a life time loves. I can't put my finger on what it was, but I knew he was the real deal. After dinner he decided it was time for them to set me up with one of his friends. We all went bowling and the guys planned a weekend on the lake. We texted the few weeks leading up to our planned weekend (I lived out of town). Him and I both knew nothing would ever happen between us, we were just two people hanging out with mutual friends. I  can't put my finger on it exactly but in the way he treated me that weekend I knew that true love was out there somewhere for me. I did not have an ounce of hope there was a man who could be my knight in shinning armor until that weekend. He was out there somewhere, I wasn't going to ever settle again.

I enjoy getting lost in romantic stories. I believe with all my heart that Jason is my soul mate and one true love. Every time I see him my heart smiles and I get warm fussy feelings and butterfly's described in cheesy romance books. (Those feelings I was taught as a kid aren't real). I love that we work in the same place, every time I walk past him my heart smiles. When I just hear his voice over the intercom I can't help but relax at the sound of his voice. Is our story of how we met was crazy controversial and weird. But it was our's and looking back it is perfect. I can't imagine how it could have been better. I remember talking to Nancy on the phone really soon after Jason and I got together. I told her, "I found my Stoney." 

If I could tell young adults anything. It would be to wait for the real deal. If you have any doubts if it's real or just convenient. Wait.

Jason had told me he didn't want to get involved with a married women. I respected that. Once he slowly started learning more about why I was still married and my situation, he realized he wouldn't be in the way of two people working on their struggling marriage. Then he changed how he treated me. He started pursuing me.

Jason was one of the people who helped me move. He stayed after everyone else headed home to help me get the furniture where I wanted it. He left after I took him out to lunch for helping me. He texted me later that day to ask how I was doing. I was honest and told him not good. I felt with him I could share how I was feeling and processing my divorce. Because he had gone through it, I knew he would understand. I was nervous about being alone in a very sketchy neighborhood. He offered to come over and bring some movies to help me feel safer. (He lived 40 min away)

We laid on separate sides of the couch, and when the last movie was over he made a move. That was the single greatest kiss in the history of the world if I do say so myself. Even to this day I will smile and tell him to kiss me like the first time. He always responds with, "that's a lot to live up to." 

He went home that night, then came back the next day. From that moment on he never left. We were only apart when we went to work, which ironically is the same place. We didn't sleep much for two weeks because we stayed up just talking. We shared our stories, past hurts and failures and future dreams. It was so strange, this was a man I hardly knew, yet he understood me deeper than anyone ever. I shared with him him details about my abuse I never told anyone before.

Two weeks into our relationship Jason asked me if we were exclusive. I responded with, "When do you have time for anyone else?" That was the end of that.

A few days later I told him I wanted to say something, but was scared it was to soon and creepy. He responded with, "I love you too"

To be perfectly honest, if I hadn't been 'married' we would have gone off and eloped in the first month we were together. So we planned to go to the court house the week after my divorce went through. We got a full year to get to know each other and even though we had no doubts, we were able to know this is real not just a passing feeling.  

He gave me a beautiful pink ring that his mothers gave him for me as a promise ring. He told me he didn't want to officially propose until my divorce was final. But in our minds we were already married, we made those promises to each other. I got him a promise ring as well. The legal side didn't matter to us. We would make it official when we could. 

After several months we had the baby talk. We both always wanted kids. We were as ready as we could ever be. We decided to stop preventing and start trying. We assumed it could be years because of how long it took me to get pregnant before. We had no expectations. First month of trying we were pregnant. If that's not a miracle or sign from God I don't know what is. I took one test at night and it was vague. I took another one the next morning while Jason was still asleep. I crawled back into bed and told him it was positive. He wrapped his arms around me and said, "I told you I have bad ass swimmers, now go back to sleep."

Our relationship isn't by the book. It's a little crazy. We had tons of judgment. It probably didn't help we worked together. We got even more when we got pregnant. I wanted to wear a shirt everyday that said, "this wasn't an accident". It was tough hearing criticism. I even had one person we work with suggest an abortion. I should have slapped her. Jason and I have never been more confident in anything. I wasn't going to put my life on hold waiting for a piece of paper from a judge.

I remember the first day I laid eyes on Jason. I was working at a different store during their expansion. I remember seeing him and he looked up and smiled at me. He said, "You are doing great here." I thought it was strange. He worked back in the frames dept, He didn't know what I was doing. But something about that exchange I knew he was a special man. I thought to myself, "If I could go back and start all over. He would be the kind of man I would want to marry." That freaked me out, as far as I knew at that moment I was happily married. I hadn't the foggiest clue about this guy, that was our first conversation. 

Fast forward several months. I had transferred to that store. Every time I would walk past him he would smile and talk to me. He was friendly to everyone, I didn't think anything of it.

Almost as soon as I transferred stores is when Sam and I split up. One of the times I walked past the frames table one of the ladies asked me a question about my husband. I told her we were getting divorced. She apologized for asking. Jason was standing there and when I walked off I heard him tell her, "she hasn't been wearing her rings for a few days." What kind of a guy notices the day a woman takes off her wedding ring? Why was he paying attention to me? 

I asked Jason about it after we got together. he said he noticed me the first day I was there and was excited that our boss finally hired a cute girl. Then he saw I was wearing a wedding ring and thought, "typical, all the good ones are taken."

My friends I had made there knew I thought Jason was the kind of guy I wanted to marry and that I had a crush. They told me he flirted with me different then him just being nice to everyone. I knew I was not acting like the kind of girl he would ever consider. Any hints I would drop about how I was dating and available, he ignored. We would go eat together when our lunch breaks were at the same time. Every time we went he would always drive, open doors and pray before we ate. It was so odd to me. He was a co worker, he didn't know me at all. And every time he would pray for me about very specific things and ask about how I was doing. Never once did he ever say or do anything that caused me to think he cared any more than just being a co-worker friend.

One day I worked up the nerve to ask him out. I asked him to go see Batman with me. I hadn't seen it yet, and it is my favorite super hero. He said sure, and we made plans. I had never asked a guy out before. It was a rush. (I recommend all girls do it if they have the chance.) He texted me that afternoon and made me think he forgot. Then at the last min he told me he was kidding. He showed up a few minutes late, I had already bought our tickets because I HATE being late to movies. (An argument we still have everytime we go see a movie) I felt someone could have cut the tension with a knife through the whole movie. He walked me to my car and opened and shut my door for me. About an hour after I got home he texted me and said, "sorry if things are weird. I really like you, but I'm a bad guy. I would hurt you. My ex wife cheated on me. I won't do that to someone else."

That was completely respectable. I understood. I didn't for a second believe he was a bad guy though. Obviously nothing was going to happen, and not long after that I started dating the other guy. However I couldn't keep my mind off Jason. Somehow without him doing a thing, he had worked his way into my heart. I was in love. But I knew with the way I was living, I would never deserve him.  

Finally the lease was up. I had found the cheapest apartment in town to move into.  My friends helped me move in the snow. When I went back for the last load Sam was there. He wasn't suppose to be there that day. I couldn't hold back the emotions I had been bottling up. I hugged him when I left. Knowing it was our last. He told me he was sorry for everything. I walked out the door and never looked back. 

I don't know why, but after I unpacked everything, I had to go back to the house. I sat on the floor of my empty house and lost control. I don't know how long I just sat there with my dog in my lap crying, at least a few hours. Everything I had worked for and wanted was gone. What was I suppose to do now? How do I move forward after such a terrible blow?

That was a turning point in my life that night. I don't know how to explain what happened as a lay on the floor that night, but something changed. I walked into the empty house that night a broken girl. I had so many questions, so much guilt and self doubt. But when I stood up and drove away to my new life, I was no longer a victim. I was going to survive this. I no longer felt I failed. I no longer blamed myself for his issues. They had nothing to do with me. There will always be questions, things that don't make sense to me which I will never get an explanation. I just have to be ok with that. My marriage might have failed, but I was not a failure. I had gone down swinging, I did everything I could. 

I'm not sure how to write this next part of my story. I got messy. I did not handle things properly or how I should have being a woman or a Christian. Since I am being honest about what he did to me. It is only fair I am honest about how I reacted. I don't agree with everything I thought, felt or did. I'm even embarrassed by how I acted in several situations. That's not the kind of women I am or ever want to be. Before going through it myself I would have probably scratched my head at another woman doing what I did. 

I didn't want a commitment, but I was so lonely. I couldn't trust anyone, but I wanted to have fun. Honestly I needed a distraction from what was going on at home. I had several friends with benefit relationships in the few months following. Someone always ends up with more feelings then the other in that kind of relationship. I experienced both sides of that. I drank a lot. (Nothing unhealthy or irresponsible, but way more than I ever had or ever will again.) I would always stay at my friends when I did, which means I slept at her house all the time. When I was drinking I was able to laugh about my nightmare of a situation. People liked being around "Crazy Christine". I needed to be around people.

Was I cheating on my husband? Maybe in a legal view or in some people's mind. But not to me. Sam did not respect his wedding vows he made. Why should I still live by mine? I was not going to sit at home and cry and be sad and alone for two years waiting on the legal aspect of our relationship to be resolved. He was continuing his lying, stealing and hurting me, why should I continue to fix us? If we had not had a covenant marriage license, we would have already been divorced.

I remember the day after someone else had kissed me for the first time I remember standing across the room crying begging him not to come any closer to me. I was scared of him, not because another guy had kissed me. Because I couldn't keep a secret from him for a day without it eating up up. And I didn't owe him anything. He lied to me for years while telling me he loved me. I was furious. Did he have a conscious?  How could you lie to someone you love for so long? More questions I will never have answers too. 

I often wondered why it was so easy for me to move on so fast. Was it because I didn't love Sam? I don't think so. It was because for so many years I had already been alone emotionally. He wasted years of my life while I tried to build a relationship and marriage with him. Once I realized it was never going to happen, My heart disconnected faster than I ever imagined.

I met a guy at a party. He was a sweetheart with a taste of bad boy rebel. I explained my situation to him when he asked me out. He didn't care and took me out on an incredible first date. We rode his bike out of town to the most fancy steak place I have ever been too. I had never been on a date with someone who I hadn't ever talked to. It was a new exciting experience. We continued hanging out. He was a safe place for me to escape from my reality. I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious and he agreed. He divorced a woman who was a drug addict that beat him almost to death. Once he picked to on the fact I was not safe in my house with Sam, he gave me a key to his house and told me to come an go when I needed to. He didn't want me in my house because he understood what I was going through. Many nights when I was especially anxious I would stay over at his place. He worked nights so he wasn't there much. Even though we had said we were casual, after 7 months it had become more to him. He told me he loved me. I started to feel very guilty. I cared about him so much. He was a great boyfriend and tons of fun, but we wanted different from life. I wanted kids and eventually to be able to go back to church without having a panic attack. He didn't. I realized I was using him. I felt bad for hurting him. It was never my intention. So I broke things off.

I had been in committed relationships non stop since I was 15. I had never played the field, I had never just messed around. I always wondered if I had missed out on some important part of life by settling down so young. I hadn't. Dating and being wild is way over rated. It doesn't bring any joy or fulfillment. Now I never have to wonder. I enjoyed the experience. And so many times when I was married I would wonder about the "what ifs" and felt I missed a big part of life by always being attached to someone. 

I learned valuable things for my healing by each of the relationships. Just because the relationships were meaningless and sometimes silly, doesn't mean the people were not important to me. One showed me that even though I had some dark messed up skeletons on my closet, it would not scare away a real man. One showed me in just the 48 hours we saw each other that men who respect women and treat them like a lady do exist. After that weekend I had hope about my future. Before that weekend I did not believe those kind of men existed outside of the movies. One taught me that running around and having "fun" is the farthest thing from fun. Because of him I found out who my real friends were and who was fake and would believe lies about me he spread.

After a weekend away we came home to an eviction notice on our door. I started digging to find out what happened. I saw the checks exit our bank account. Why did our landlord say they bounced? I asked Sam daily if it was him. I told him if he just fessed up we would work it out. He promised me every day it wasn't him and he was clueless. The landlord said they had a wrong number for me so they couldn't ever get a hold of me. His parents graciously gave our landlord what we owed them. We were allowed to stay. 

Where was my money going? (To this day I still don't know, I never will) I couldn't figure it out. I had the bank looking into it. One day and the manager transferred me to their loss prevention. He said he had been hoping to speak to me alone. He had videos of Sam being the one doing it. He told me to come down to his office and I could see for myself. 

I did. It was devastating. Seeing on video proof that my husband was doing fraud on our accounts in my name. I'm thankful for my friend's husband who took off work to drive me the 40 min to the main fraud office. I wouldn't have been able to do that alone. He took me back to my house to pack my bags. Sam had called on the way asking where I was. I told him I was on my way home from the bank seeing the videos. He still acted like he didn't know what I saw. He still tried to deny it. But I saw the videos. I told him it was over. I was taking my dog and staying with a friend for a few days.

There was no way to get out of the lease. There was no way Sam could move out without being on the streets. So I decided we could be roommates. He moved to the spare room. It was seriously the worst experience ever. It was not healthy for either of us. I spent every waking moment at work or at a friends house. Finally he was able to stay with friends. My anxiety calmed down. I was able to feel some peace and start to heal. Then he had a court date which I knew nothing about. The judge put him on house arrest instead of putting him in jail. I didn't have a choice. He was back and so was my anxiety. 

In high school my dreams and plans of being a professional dancer were crushed by a genetic problem with my feet, I had to have reconstructive surgery. I remember laying in bed recovering for 6 months depressed and lost. What was I suppose to do with my life now? God showed me his plans for me was to be a mom and a wife. No it wasn't going to be as glamorous, but I was excited. Maybe that's why I rushed into marriage. We had trouble getting pregnant when we started trying. Drs said everything looked fine and there was no reason they saw we weren't getting results other then I had been on the pill since I was 13 and it might just take a while. If this is what God has for me, why wasn't it happening? Every month was torture, waiting, hoping, then being crushed. 

Looking back I think maybe I was so obsessed with getting pregnant in hopes that would make Sam connect to me. Maybe if I gave him a child he would let me into his heart.

Finally I was pregnant. But before we even had a chance to get excited, I lost it. In my prayers before and after my miscarriage I kept hearing, "it's your time". If it was my time, why did it only last 6 weeks? I was heart broken. And why was I still hearing that it was "my time" from God even after my baby was gone? I was confused, hurt and angry.

That was one of the things that made my decision easier to divorce Sam. Thinking about raising a family with him. It would be impossible. If I couldn't explain to myself why he was stealing and lying, how could I explain to a kid why their dad was that way? He was hurting me. I had severe anxiety almost to the point I couldn't function in most situations. I couldn't let him hurt our kid that way too. It was not a good environment for me, much less a child. I would have rather been a single mom then stay married and put a kid through the life I was forced to live.

God did not lie to me when he said, "it's your time". I just did not know what He meant until much later. It was time for me to stand up for myself. It wasn't time to raise a child. But I did not see it that way. I was angry with God. I thought God had lied or played a dirty trick. He told me it was my time, then in two months I lost my baby and my marriage. I couldn't pray or think about going to church without getting angry. It took a a long time to realize God was protecting me. 

It's is tough knowing I never got to hold or meet my child. And I will always wonder who that child would be today and always miss that little life. But God was protecting me and the baby. I couldn't raise a kid with him. And if we did have a baby together he would always have some part in my life. Most women who lost a child never understand or get a answer to their question, "why". Even though I have this deep loss and hurt, I can understand it. I was being protected. I am thankful, my child is in heaven never knowing any pain from this world. I look forward to one day being able to hug my little one.