In high school my dreams and plans of being a professional dancer were crushed by a genetic problem with my feet, I had to have reconstructive surgery. I remember laying in bed recovering for 6 months depressed and lost. What was I suppose to do with my life now? God showed me his plans for me was to be a mom and a wife. No it wasn't going to be as glamorous, but I was excited. Maybe that's why I rushed into marriage. We had trouble getting pregnant when we started trying. Drs said everything looked fine and there was no reason they saw we weren't getting results other then I had been on the pill since I was 13 and it might just take a while. If this is what God has for me, why wasn't it happening? Every month was torture, waiting, hoping, then being crushed.
Looking back I think maybe I was so obsessed with getting pregnant in hopes that would make Sam connect to me. Maybe if I gave him a child he would let me into his heart.
Finally I was pregnant. But before we even had a chance to get excited, I lost it. In my prayers before and after my miscarriage I kept hearing, "it's your time". If it was my time, why did it only last 6 weeks? I was heart broken. And why was I still hearing that it was "my time" from God even after my baby was gone? I was confused, hurt and angry.
That was one of the things that made my decision easier to divorce Sam. Thinking about raising a family with him. It would be impossible. If I couldn't explain to myself why he was stealing and lying, how could I explain to a kid why their dad was that way? He was hurting me. I had severe anxiety almost to the point I couldn't function in most situations. I couldn't let him hurt our kid that way too. It was not a good environment for me, much less a child. I would have rather been a single mom then stay married and put a kid through the life I was forced to live.
God did not lie to me when he said, "it's your time". I just did not know what He meant until much later. It was time for me to stand up for myself. It wasn't time to raise a child. But I did not see it that way. I was angry with God. I thought God had lied or played a dirty trick. He told me it was my time, then in two months I lost my baby and my marriage. I couldn't pray or think about going to church without getting angry. It took a a long time to realize God was protecting me.
It's is tough knowing I never got to hold or meet my child. And I will always wonder who that child would be today and always miss that little life. But God was protecting me and the baby. I couldn't raise a kid with him. And if we did have a baby together he would always have some part in my life. Most women who lost a child never understand or get a answer to their question, "why". Even though I have this deep loss and hurt, I can understand it. I was being protected. I am thankful, my child is in heaven never knowing any pain from this world. I look forward to one day being able to hug my little one.
- 5:16 AM
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