The next post from my friend Vicky touches my heart. I can't explain why as women we do things we know are wrong when we are hurting. I had relationships and been messing around with people I had no business even speaking to. I was embarrassed by how I was acting. I shut myself off from my friends who honestly cares about me. I thought once they knew my marriage had failed, and how I was responding and dealing they would shun me. There were tons of acquaintances and fake friends who were cruel in how they started treating me in my dark days. Some didn't really surprise to me, but some did and truly broke my heart when I found out. But I'm thankful for it because now I know who my true friends are. Looking back I wish I hadn't been so scared to be around my friends, I'm sure I would have made better choices if I had been open and honest with them. It's true the kind of people you hang around affect how you live your life. I was spending time with the wrong crowds because I felt the people who love me would judge and blame me.
Chapter 4 from Guest Blogger Sara's Hope Founder.
As I said before I was" searching for love in all the wrong places. " Funny how this song fits so many situations. As I said, my emotions were a roller coaster of ups and downs. The sadness of trying to find a level plain of a personality was difficult. Who was I, what happened to me? What now? I had choices I never thought of before. I could buy a car, I could get food at a drive through, the choices were charging through me, and what freedom I had. Pow! I had to stop and realize I had responsibilities, bills to pay, and living with my Mother was not a free ride.
The saddest memory of adultery, is the fear, that the wife of the man would find out. And most of all, they both were good friends to me. During this time period my Dad was very ill. My children, were still in Kansas. I was living in an apt. My choices were wrong, and voices from the past would scream, " Your parents will take the kids away from you." I saw my Dad once before he passed away. When I learned he died, I could not face my family. I thought I was a failure. I ran to the house, of the man and woman (man being my secret lover), and tried to find refuge there. I could not face my Mother.
Finally, I went over to her house. Brothers were arriving, and the memory is not vivid, but I found out they did not condemn me, they loved me. What a wonderful welcome, and relief. My ex had lied to me.
Afterwards, Mother had told me, that my ex during all the issues of the aftermath of divorce, had came to her house. He asked, " Why cannot your daughter have a climax?" My Mother, looked him right in the eye and said, " I believe that has to be your problem, not hers."
So, as you see, we all have issues, and those decisions we have to make. Some are the hardest ones, to realize you were not to blame. You were not the problem. I am grateful for family, who did their best to surround me with their love. And I am glad that I was able to have strength and courage to see my Mother after Dad had died. She needed me.
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