I mentioned I had been talking with a few women who have started sharing their similar story. Several of them want to share their story but need to do it anonymously. I have loved chatting and sharing our hearts and hurts with these women. Several of them have wanted to speak out to help others, but never have had the chance. So here goes the first one! If you have ever considered sharing email me, I would love to chat with you. Christine.M08@gmail.com
Guest Post!
Starting at the very beginning – I think I had my first “romantic” crush in kindergarten. I liked boys – some I “liked liked” but many I just liked as friends. I noticed boys. I also had more boys that were friends than I did girls growing up. I got along with boys, I played sports with the boys, and I enjoyed hanging out with boys. As I got older I had several crushes that never amounted to anything. Many of my friends were “asked out” in Jr. High but I never was and I began to think something was wrong with me. That all changed when I was 14.
I went to a church function with a girl I was friends with and met a boy – a boy I REALLY “liked liked” – lets call him John. He was 16 so he could drive. We hung out for the whole event. Then I talked my friend and my mom into letting me go to church with said friend the next Sunday so I could see him again. It was love… okay silly 14 year old girl love but still, at the time it was my only experience. We started “talking” – I wasn’t allowed to call it “dating” or reference him as my “boyfriend”. Even though that’s exactly what he was. Neither of us were “talking” to anyone else, we were “exclusive” yet not “dating”. Semantics means a lot as a teenager. This was very frustrating to me because I wanted a “boyfriend” but was not allowed to have one; even though I had one and that was really difficult when talking about boys with my friends! This also made me feel very awkward during an already very awkward time in my life.
My parents had lots of rules about boys. Here is a sampling: 1) I was not allowed to “date”. I could “court”. If you know anything about courting it’s basically dating with tons of supervision. 2) I was not allowed to ride in a car with a boy if we were the only 2 people in the car. 3) I was not allowed to be at a house where a boy lived unless his parents were home (other people did not count had to be parents). 4) if I wanted to spend time with a boy I could only do so in groups of 5 or more people.5) Boys were not allowed to visit me at my house even if my parents were home.
Back to John. These rules made it very difficult for us to see each other. We went to different schools, different churches, and had zero activities in common which meant we NEVER saw each other. He could not come pick me up to get ice cream after school – that would be a date and riding in a car alone with a boy. My parents would not drop me off to have dinner with him. I couldn’t go to church with him very often because I couldn’t drive there and I had to go with my parents to our church and he wasn’t allowed to pick me up to take me to his. John was very sweet. He was someone I would want my daughters to date. He called me often, he sent me a yellow rose (for friendship) on valentine’s day, and he never tried to kiss me – we talked about it several times over the phone and I told him I wasn’t ready yet. We just held hands and gave side hugs! It was the cutest and most innocent relationship I EVER had.
We “talked” for about 9 months. In that 9 months we probably only saw each other 5-6 times. I felt my parents were being very unfair and I was upset they weren’t willing to accommodate our wish to hangout more since their “rules” were making it impossible (which I feel was purposeful because they didn't want me to have a boyfriend). We “broke up” on good terms and remained friends for a while. But that was my first time feeling like I wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t worth it for him to wait on for literally years before we could spend more time together. (he never said that, just how I felt). And if a good, Christian boy wouldn’t wait for me – how was I going to find love? (keep in mind at 15 women are very emotional) Fairy-tales teach you that your prince will rescue you and jump through hoops of fire and slay dragons for you. I couldn’t get a boy to hang around because I was just too hard to spend time with.
After John I "talked to" 8-10 more boys until I turned 17 years old. Not ONE was willing to fake date me like John had for more than a couple months – basically as soon as they figured out it was impossible to get to know me and spend time with me they would split. Even after I could drive I could only hang out in large groups – which can be difficult to put together if your friends aren’t friends with his friends . They couldn’t hang out with me – why would they want to court me? I was in a lose/lose situation. The whole point of courting was to get to know someone and spend time with them to find out what qualities you liked in a significant other. Boys weren’t allowed to get to know me. At the time I felt so worthless. You can argue all you want to that “good, Christian boys would wait/work for a girl like you” but it wasn’t true! Because there were plenty of other “good, Christian girls” that they were allowed to get to know. I know because I witnessed it. The only thing that would have saved me would have been courting a guy I went to church with… none of them ever expressed any interest - which also made me feel bad about myself. Soon I started “talking” to guys who weren’t good guys. I attempted to fake date several I met through friends; some of those guys smoked and drank, they cursed, they had lots of qualities I didn’t like but because I was just looking for anyone who could make me feel worthy I let it slide. My first kiss was wasted on a bad guy who told me later the same week he was getting back with his ex-girlfriend (presumably because he could actually hangout with her). I was so desperate. I was constantly fighting with my parents. I felt utterly alone, unloved, and worthless. Why didn’t anyone like me enough to put in some extra effort?! Why was I being lied to - being told I was a rare gem stone at church but no one was treating me that way?
This broke me as a young woman and my dating life spiraled out of control once I moved out of the house at 18. I was willing to do anything to get someone to love me, to feel like I was worth something. It was an ugly time in my life. It took me years to get through that. I heard all the “true love waits” talks and the “find your fulfillment in God” talks. But at that time in my life I wasn’t mature enough to understand that God wanted me even when no one else did. My self-worth was zilch. No one loved me for who I was – so I melded into whoever they wanted me to be. I hid behind a smile and put on a happy face but I was broken inside. At the time those emotions were raw and they were real. I would never wish that feeling on anyone.
So my hope is for those that read this is: 1) If you feel this way you are not alone. 2) If you have little girls - teach them how to date, let them feel emotions, be there to support them through it, and equip them for real life relationships.
- 5:22 AM
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