She Found Her Wings

Everyone has scars from their past that affects their present. Some scars are huge and noticeable. Some are so small you have to look hard to see it. 

Not sure if I have mentioned it much, but Jason was married before as well. He didn't sign up to have his past broadcast over the Internet, so I'll keep it short and sweet. He had to get in his ex's purse once and found  something that made him suspect something terrible. It was a total blindside. He wanted to do the work and fix whatever the issues were. But shortly after that she demanded a divorce. And was never willing to speak to him after that. It destroyed him; it was a total blindside. The people who knew him at that time have shared with me how tough it was for him. Jason and I discussed to great lengths what he thinks went wrong and why she left. Since she never really talked to him, all he can do is speculate. Which I think he speculated correctly. But nothing concrete, so that's all I will share.

His divorce was so long ago (he was getting divorced as I was getting married, I find that ironic) that when we ran into her recently, he said he had no feelings of any kind. It was like any other old acquaintance he might have run into. But that doesn't mean he doesn't still have scars from his nightmare. He will not under any circumstance look in my purse. I asked him about it one day after we had been together a while. I had noticed that he would never get me anything out of my purse, he would instead bring it to me. I told him tampons are in the side zipper, so if that was what he was scared of, he could avoid them. He shared with me the details of what he found in his ex's purse. I don't push him about it, it's not really even a big deal. But knowing how his ex made him feel emotionally. From what he has told me, and his moms and sisters. I know that I need be aware of how I treat him and make sure I never do anything to make him feel the way him and his family felt with her. 

When it comes to dealing with a spouses past scars I defiantly have an easier load than Jason. Jason has got to deal with my severe panic disorder. From what happened to me as a child sexually and emotionally, and then trying to work through abuse issues with someone who was in the process of abusing me really messed with my brain. While I'm over Sam, and moved on, my scars don't go away. My attacks are getting fewer and farther between. But sometimes something will trigger and I can't control it. I literally can't breathe, I can't stop shaking, I can't think rationally.

Generally I can understand why something has triggered an attack and know why it's irrational. Part of my therapy was learn to separate myself from the situation and look at it from a different perspective. Generally my triggers are something finance related. Or an unknown phone call. A situation that makes me uncomfortable, or one that reminds me of the life I had when I was married to Sam. 

Just yesterday we were driving home from our Valentine outing. Jason got pulled over for speeding. Unfortunately our insurance cards are out of date. We have insurance. It comes out automatically every month but for some reason we never got an updated card last time. No big deal, just got to call and correct it and get the new cards. Jason went to the store a little later. I was cooking him dinner, candles, the whole romantic Valentine thing. I called him and I thought when I heard him get in the car that meant he was on his way home. So I set the food to be ready as soon as he walked in the door. A few minutes after he should have been home I plated the food and pored the wine. I called him about 7 times. No answer. He was now way past 20 minutes later than it takes to get from the store to our house.  Basically I believed he was dead on the side of the road. Or I was going to get a call saying I needed to get to the hospital immediately. Then suddenly I remembered the encounter with the police and we couldn't show proof of our insurance. What if he had not been paying our bills and realizing he was about to get caught he ran off? Then I was going to be sitting in a hospital with a dying husband finding out he was lying to me too.

Jason finally called me back. I thought he was on his way home. But he had made another stop. NOW he was on his way home. I was in tears, Peyton was so confused. I thought when I answered the phone it would be a police officer saying they took him to the hospital. Later that night I told Jason why I got so worked up. He died laughing at the complete ridiculous story I had made up. First of all, our bank account says, "Allstate" when the money comes out. How could he fake that. Secondly, we HAVE to have insurance because we are still paying for our jeep or they would come repossess our car. I had a good laugh too. We only laughed bout it because in the emotional moment I did not accuse him of anything, because I knew I was completely insane. He has learned when I say and feel things like that, I'm not comparing him to Sam or accusing him of lying, but Im just very damaged. 

Jason and I speak completely different languages. We've had difficulties communicating at times. And it causes arguments. But we've learned in the end we are generally saying the same thing. (Worlds most brilliant couple right here) there are many times I feel he is hiding something from me. Or that he doesn't love me anymore. He gets upset because he thinks I am being ridiculous. (I generally am. See above story) It took a while for us to learn how to talk to each other in these moments. But I think we are figuring out how to communicate better. And help each other in our insecurities, without fighting or saying something to make it worse.