I have never shared this next part with anyone not even Jason until he proof read this. I'm not quite sure what the point of it is yet. But there has to be a nugget of something in here somewhere. Since I started this blog to raise awareness of what really goes on in a divorce and how we can help those suffering. I should probably share all of my struggles. (Which I am an open book, except for the sexual abuse details, that stuff belongs in coffee shop conversations, not the Internet.)
I have done lots of reading on PTSD. You don't have to be a war veteran to have a form of it. You don't have to have physical bruises to be a victim of domestic violence. The farther and farther I get away from Sam and our actual divorce date the farther I get away from my PTSD like symptoms. It's a long process on the road back to 'normal', I'm never going to give up.
I was so stressed and scared when I was married to Sam. Subconsciously I knew he was full of crap, but I think I was so determined to make my marriage work I convinced myself everything was ok. I just refused to think about it. However, I could not sleep. As I would lay in bed at night my mind would race and try to figure out all the loose ends from his stories that didn't add up. When I did get to sleep I would have one of two nightmares.
In the first dream there was a car accident and Sam died. I was all alone. After burying my husband I discovered I was pregnant with his son. I moved back into his parents house. After a few years a guy from my highschool days whom I never had a relationship with started trying to pursue me and my new child. In the second dream I did not move in with his parents when I found out I was pregnant. Instead I stayed in my home and raised our son alone, and a year later a guy that I knew from around town was the one wanting to start to date me. The endings to the dreams were always different. But the beginnings were always the same. A tragic sudden accident, a son, and another guy later. (Side note, this is why I am 100% convinced the child I miscarried when I was with Sam was a boy)
I guess I dreamed it one night and actually felt rested when I woke up. I discovered when I was having trouble sleeping if I would replay it in my mind and I would fall asleep almost immediately. Most nights I would wake up from this dream sobbing. I wouldn't know what was reality when I woke up. I took a minute or two to remember where I was.
Why did I have this reoccurring nightmare of Sam dying? Why did replaying it in my head when I couldn't sleep relax me enough to let me fall asleep? For real it left me with tons of questions that I bet a professional psychologist could tell me what it all meant. If I was sleeping at a friends house or somewhere far away from Sam, I was fine. But when I was home where Sam was the only time I was able to sleep without having this emotional dream was if I was drinking before bed. Needless to say, I began drinking regularly just so I could get some sleep. And when the guy I was dating started picking up on this was happening to me at home, he got me a key to his house and told me to stay there whenever I needed to. (He worked over nights and was never there)
I remember the first night Jason stayed over. I had fallen asleep on the couch during a movie, so he was making his move to head home. Something about Jason and who he is relaxes me and can calm me down just from being near him. Because I realized it was so easy for me to sleep with him there, I asked him to stay. He stayed with me that night. We did not do much sleeping though. We stayed up talking most of the night. He shared with me his past and I told him details about my past I had never told a soul even to this day. He wrapped his huge arms around me and I felt completely safe for honestly the first time in my life as I lay there in his arms. We might have only slept a few hour that night, but I remember it was the most restful sleep I had in a long time. I woke up feeling completely renewed.
Where am I going with this post? I don't have a freaking clue! I do know now that my sleep is limited being a wife, mother, employee and home owner, I have the most wonderful sleep when I get the chance. I never have to fake a alternate reality. If I have trouble falling asleep I just think back to the whirlwind romance of Jason and I falling in love, and bam! I'm out. My reality is my dream, I don't have to try to convince my mind to relax by false daydreams.
- 8:18 PM
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