She Found Her Wings

Before my divorce I was a 'real' Christian. I read my Bible regularly and prayed a lot. I cared and made an effort. It was something I was passionate about and a huge priority in my life. Leadership and ministry was something I always had some part in wherever I was. When my divorce started happening I might not have  fallen away from my faith, but I fell away from the church and my personal relationship with God.

I mentioned previously my panic attacks when I would try to head to church. And my feelings that everyone was judging me. Reading my Bible frustrated me to no end because there wasn't anything about what I was going through. It felt so impersonal. I wanted to read something about an abusive husband and read exactly what God wanted me to do. I heard God in my prayers speak to me and give me peace. But I wanted something tangible to prove divorcing my husband was ok so others would believe me. I was very angry in my pain. After I got over my anger I had no desire to be a Christian. I didn't care. I felt all Christians were fake. I realized recently why I felt that. I have had multiple experiences when I have tried to be real and vulnerable at church, I was told to keep quiet. 

*When I was in Jr high at church I tried to share with my small group leader about some hard things I was dealing with. She responded with, "I know your grandfather. Your family is perfect." I don't care how wonderful and amazing my grandparents are, no family is perfect. 

*When I was working at a summer camp after my senior year of high school and the director found out I had moved out of my parents house. He told me I was wrong and he probably wouldn't hire me full time the next year because of it. He never asked me why I moved out. (10 years later, I still without a shadow of a doubt know I wasn't wrong)

*I was leading a small group of freshman in college. One of our lessons was on God's goodness. I was dealing with some tough stuff and I wasn't really feeling God's goodness at the time but I believed He was. I opened it and explained what I was going through and why I was having trouble feeling that and I didn't want lead the discussion because I would feel I was faking it. It was honestly the best small group discussion I ever 'led'. Because I was honest about my life and doubts, everyone else felt they could be too. One of the staff members happened to be there. She told me later I should not have done that. Because as a leader I had to be all "put together" in front of them. That was the end of  both me AND my co-leader being apart of that ministry. 

Since I got over my intense anger I had been going through the motion. Jason and I joined a church we both loved. We got into a small group. We were volunteering. I want Peyton to be raised in a Christian home. But I just couldn't bring myself to put in any effort. I still didn't care.

I won't go into the details, but a few weeks ago at our church our pastor and his wife got up and shared personal details of how they were not perfect. It was the first time in my 27 years of being in church that the pastor did not just claim to be a sinner, he shared the ugly details. He was 100% transparent. The leadership of the church spoke after him and said, "he is still our pastor, we still love him, we will stand by him. We will move forward."

The next week his wife preached on the dark valleys we go through in our lives. She called us to all be people who confessed to each other our struggles and failures. At the end of the service they had some staff standing up if anyone wanted to confess or ask for prayer. For the first time in a long time I heard God speak to me. God was telling me to stop floating, get back to working and being passionate about my relationship with him. It was time to stop watching everyone else be Christians, and start being one. I was now in a place that wouldn't shun me for not always saying the 'correct' answer. 

Because Sam and I signed a covenant marriage license I couldn't divorce him when I wanted to. There was stipulations. We had to be separated for two years. We had to go to counseling. All because he didn't hit me or have sex with someone else.

My lawyer asked me every time we talked if I had any reason to believe Sam was cheating on me. He said every time he sees a situation like mine, there is no way Sam was faithful to me. I had no reason to think that. If I knew what I knew now, I would have dug deeper.  But I was tired of searching for answers. Tired of looking for things that would break my heart more. 

I did everything I needed to do. I had my counseling done. (He never showed up for his part.) We couldn't live separately because the judge put him under house arrest in my home because that was his legal address. My lawyer said it was not be a problem. Fast forward a year I had gone through the toughest part of grieving process. I had everything done with my lawyer, i just had to wait until it has been two years. I dealt it all the best way I could. 

Sam signed the divorce papers. I was pregnant but wasn't sure if he knew. I wore a jacket. Not because I wanted to hide Peyton, but this was not the place he needed to find out if he hadn't already heard through the grapevine. Jason came for my protection, with all the drama and hateful things Sam had said and done, Jason wasn't letting me and his baby be alone with him. He sat in the car and waited while we went in and had everything notarized just in case I needed him. No problems.

Fast forward a few months and my lawyer forgot I was pregnant so we needed different papers. The judge would not grant a pregnant woman a divorce without someone to claim my child. No problem. Except for the fact Sam had moved out of town to live with his parents. I had to get my brothers to take it to him to get notarized. He did, but he printed it on cartoon paper. My lawyer obviously couldn't use that. When I told Sam to try again, he tried to fight me. He said we never did counseling  (he never showed up). That it hadn't been two years. (I counted from the day I found out. Legally I could have said it was the last time we had sex and moved the date way up.) I very firmly told him that he had already signed all the divorce papers. This new paper just said that he was not the father of my child. So if he didn't sign it, the judge would make him pay child support. 

He signed the papers that day. Everything was ready. I had been ready for two years. I just had a few more days to wait.

Finally the lease was up. I had found the cheapest apartment in town to move into.  My friends helped me move in the snow. When I went back for the last load Sam was there. He wasn't suppose to be there that day. I couldn't hold back the emotions I had been bottling up. I hugged him when I left. Knowing it was our last. He told me he was sorry for everything. I walked out the door and never looked back. 

I don't know why, but after I unpacked everything, I had to go back to the house. I sat on the floor of my empty house and lost control. I don't know how long I just sat there with my dog in my lap crying, at least a few hours. Everything I had worked for and wanted was gone. What was I suppose to do now? How do I move forward after such a terrible blow?

That was a turning point in my life that night. I don't know how to explain what happened as a lay on the floor that night, but something changed. I walked into the empty house that night a broken girl. I had so many questions, so much guilt and self doubt. But when I stood up and drove away to my new life, I was no longer a victim. I was going to survive this. I no longer felt I failed. I no longer blamed myself for his issues. They had nothing to do with me. There will always be questions, things that don't make sense to me which I will never get an explanation. I just have to be ok with that. My marriage might have failed, but I was not a failure. I had gone down swinging, I did everything I could.