She Found Her Wings

I had a blog post I was working on. But I couldn't wrap it up. Or put the thoughts I had in my mind to print. Jason read it and felt it was a repeat of other posts (it's a lot of details about how guys take advantage of girls without even realizing it. An important topic I need to work on more). I struggled with how to word what was spinning around my head. I just wasn't getting the point I wanted across. So I decided to scrap it and start all over.

I work hard at fight my demons, and be an stable independent woman. I hate being vulnerable around people I love and trust, much less people I don't trust. I was publicly broken and raw for so long. I feel I don't deserve anymore hard days because my life is so wonderful right now. When I have them I keep it to myself. I am so blessed to be where I am in life now after such a dark road. But it did not come easy. It was hard for me, it took a lot of praying. And most of those prayers were not coming from me. 

I completely lost it at work last week and had a full blown panic attack. Several people thought me and another employee were fighting. People were talking and asking me crazy off the wall questions about why I was so upset. I got annoyed at how much people make up their own truth about me. It made me doubt why I started this blog. Everyone has always had something to say about me. Even in grade school people would talk about me. Most of the things I have heard haven't even been true, but its still hurtful. I started wondering this week if I started this blog so people would stop talking about me. I was the one setting the record strait, even if it wasn't flattering. But that was a lie from the devil. I started sharing my story with the women around me. And they opened up to me and shared also. We heal together knowing we were not alone in our pain. I knew a blog would help more people than the handful of people in my life. Whatever my motives were, or people think, my blog has helped many people. And that's enough for me to keep writing. Even if it feels repetitive at times.

If you have never had a panic attack, it doesn't just end when it's over. My body, emotions and brain will be tense and sensitive for many days after. In those few days after my panic attack I saw something on social media that upset me. In my weakened emotional state made my funk last longer. A mutual friend had posted a picture of Sam. It brought up emotions and thoughts I don't normally have. If I were to dwell on my past and all the unanswered questions I would be a bitter miserable person. However seeing the picture brought back all the questions and emotions. When I think about it now I don't really care. It doesn't normally affect me. I was only in a raw state coming off a panic attack. I hate that it affected me at all. But it did.

I'm not ashamed that I have a failed marriage in my past. But sometimes I wish I has more time to explain to people when I see the judgment in their eyes. For instance the guy who was filling out my passport application when he said, "well one name change is allowed, but with two marriages we need legal documentation." I wanted to tell him how I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough. I wanted to tell him all the horrible things Sam had done to me. But I didn't say a word. I have encounters like that occasionally. People see me and are shocked that someone so young is already on a second marriage. I can see them trying to look into my eyes and figure out what is wrong with me. If I have a chance I try to say a little bit, but normally I just have to deal with their judgmental looks.

There are still bad day. But I try my best to keep them to myself. Because I am so happy, I can't and I won't let my old demons from my past affect my present. Because then they win, and I will not allow that.