She Found Her Wings

Before my divorce I was a 'real' Christian. I read my Bible regularly and prayed a lot. I cared and made an effort. It was something I was passionate about and a huge priority in my life. Leadership and ministry was something I always had some part in wherever I was. When my divorce started happening I might not have  fallen away from my faith, but I fell away from the church and my personal relationship with God.

I mentioned previously my panic attacks when I would try to head to church. And my feelings that everyone was judging me. Reading my Bible frustrated me to no end because there wasn't anything about what I was going through. It felt so impersonal. I wanted to read something about an abusive husband and read exactly what God wanted me to do. I heard God in my prayers speak to me and give me peace. But I wanted something tangible to prove divorcing my husband was ok so others would believe me. I was very angry in my pain. After I got over my anger I had no desire to be a Christian. I didn't care. I felt all Christians were fake. I realized recently why I felt that. I have had multiple experiences when I have tried to be real and vulnerable at church, I was told to keep quiet. 

*When I was in Jr high at church I tried to share with my small group leader about some hard things I was dealing with. She responded with, "I know your grandfather. Your family is perfect." I don't care how wonderful and amazing my grandparents are, no family is perfect. 

*When I was working at a summer camp after my senior year of high school and the director found out I had moved out of my parents house. He told me I was wrong and he probably wouldn't hire me full time the next year because of it. He never asked me why I moved out. (10 years later, I still without a shadow of a doubt know I wasn't wrong)

*I was leading a small group of freshman in college. One of our lessons was on God's goodness. I was dealing with some tough stuff and I wasn't really feeling God's goodness at the time but I believed He was. I opened it and explained what I was going through and why I was having trouble feeling that and I didn't want lead the discussion because I would feel I was faking it. It was honestly the best small group discussion I ever 'led'. Because I was honest about my life and doubts, everyone else felt they could be too. One of the staff members happened to be there. She told me later I should not have done that. Because as a leader I had to be all "put together" in front of them. That was the end of  both me AND my co-leader being apart of that ministry. 

Since I got over my intense anger I had been going through the motion. Jason and I joined a church we both loved. We got into a small group. We were volunteering. I want Peyton to be raised in a Christian home. But I just couldn't bring myself to put in any effort. I still didn't care.

I won't go into the details, but a few weeks ago at our church our pastor and his wife got up and shared personal details of how they were not perfect. It was the first time in my 27 years of being in church that the pastor did not just claim to be a sinner, he shared the ugly details. He was 100% transparent. The leadership of the church spoke after him and said, "he is still our pastor, we still love him, we will stand by him. We will move forward."

The next week his wife preached on the dark valleys we go through in our lives. She called us to all be people who confessed to each other our struggles and failures. At the end of the service they had some staff standing up if anyone wanted to confess or ask for prayer. For the first time in a long time I heard God speak to me. God was telling me to stop floating, get back to working and being passionate about my relationship with him. It was time to stop watching everyone else be Christians, and start being one. I was now in a place that wouldn't shun me for not always saying the 'correct' answer. 

I grew up in the homeschool Christian bubble. I fought the bubble and the views of that crowd. I saw many different parenting views from one extreme to the other as I grew up I saw what happens when the kids become adults.I have therefore formed opinions, and ideas of how I think is best. However,I have only been a parent for 14 months. I'm not an expert. I am scared to death we are going to screw up our daughter.

I heard a man speaking about how domestic violence is a men's issue, not a women's problem. We raise boys to believe girls are inferior. Saying things like, "toughen up", "you throw like a girl" teaches boys are better than girls. Boys are discouraged from showing emotion or crying when they are younger, they are only allowed to get angry. The mindset of men who attack and abuse women starts when they are little. We need to teach our sons to appreciate the femininity of girls, and respect their point of view from a young age. If we don't teach our sons how to respect girls, who will? 

On the flip side we need to teach our daughters that they are precious and show them how they should be treated. If they aren't taught when they are little and developing how they should be treated, they will not have good standards of how their boyfriends should be treating them. 

The recent cheating site hack that exposed a conservative Christian celeb has been all over social media. A woman posted her response on Facebook and it blew up. I have never read something I agree with as much as her post. I couldn't find the post when I went back to look for it. Her line, "I will raise my daughters to believe she breathes fire" has really stuck with me. 

In her post she's basically explains why this celebrities wife will never divorce her lying cheating husband. She has no education, no experience and was raised to believe she is inferior to her husband. She believes it's her job to stand by her husband quietly and take care of his house and kids with no opinions. That's all she knows, it's how she was raised. When she should be taking her kids and running from him, she can't. She believes him cheating was her fault. Her family, her friends, and her faith will shun her for divorcing him, not him for having multiple affairs. When problems arise it's the women's fault never the mans. My heart breaks for her. Where in the Bible does it show this is how marriage and women should be treated? Where does it show to treat girls as they are not valuable? 

I don't think women are more important as men. We are equally important and valuable. In my marriage, Jason values me and my opinions just as much as I value his. It's an equal partnership. When Christian men quote  "wives submit to your husband". They fail to keep reading the rest of the chapter where if goes into length about how a man should love and cherish his wife. When he treats her with love and honor, he will have earned her respect. If a woman submits to a man who doesn't respect her opinion and feelings, it's a breeding ground for an abusive situation.

I started reading romance novels. (Not because I wanted to, because those are the books that are free on iBooks)  It's so easy to hold when I rock Peyton to sleep or on breaks at work. I always have my phone. I don't always carry books around. Everyone has got crazy annoying on social media with their politics, religion and selling things. I couldn't stand it anymore. 

I remember growing up being taught romance novels were bad. "Christians shouldn't read those". Their argument being it gives girls unrealistic expectations of men. I understand the point of view because I was raised in the conservative Christian bubble. But truthfully I think it's a bit silly. High expectations are good, as long as you understand no man will be live up to them. If we taught young adults to expect the best, but know there will be failures. I think less young women would settle for the first guy who gives them attention. Instead they would actually wait for the guy who is going to treat them with respect. When you grow up hearing fairy tales and love stories are not real life, you don't wait for true love. You take what you get.

After I left my husband I mentioned a had several flings. My best friend got a new boyfriend she wanted me to meet. I have known her since 3rd grade we knew each other through all of our boy stages. I have never seen her more happy and alive. She was more Nancy then I had ever seen her. We had dinner together and had a fabulous time. I could tell in the first few minutes of meeting Stoney they had one of those once in a life time loves. I can't put my finger on what it was, but I knew he was the real deal. After dinner he decided it was time for them to set me up with one of his friends. We all went bowling and the guys planned a weekend on the lake. We texted the few weeks leading up to our planned weekend (I lived out of town). Him and I both knew nothing would ever happen between us, we were just two people hanging out with mutual friends. I  can't put my finger on it exactly but in the way he treated me that weekend I knew that true love was out there somewhere for me. I did not have an ounce of hope there was a man who could be my knight in shinning armor until that weekend. He was out there somewhere, I wasn't going to ever settle again.

I enjoy getting lost in romantic stories. I believe with all my heart that Jason is my soul mate and one true love. Every time I see him my heart smiles and I get warm fussy feelings and butterfly's described in cheesy romance books. (Those feelings I was taught as a kid aren't real). I love that we work in the same place, every time I walk past him my heart smiles. When I just hear his voice over the intercom I can't help but relax at the sound of his voice. Is our story of how we met was crazy controversial and weird. But it was our's and looking back it is perfect. I can't imagine how it could have been better. I remember talking to Nancy on the phone really soon after Jason and I got together. I told her, "I found my Stoney." 

If I could tell young adults anything. It would be to wait for the real deal. If you have any doubts if it's real or just convenient. Wait.

At one point in my life Sam was exactly what I  needed. He taught me about love in the way he treated me when we were dating. Before Sam a lot of my views of what love was very distorted because of experiences while i was growing up. We were a perfect fit in our dreams of what we wanted to do with our lives. I was a hurt scared girl when we met. He helped encourage me and learn to be confident in myself. 

We met when i was in 8th grade. We were both on a missions trip with our youth group. On the plan ride home dad tried to play match maker and changed seats with him so we sat together. He was nice. I didn't think anything more of him at the time. The summer before my senior year Sam was at my house hanging out with my older brother. By the end of the summer we were dating. We were very happy together. We fell in love. We had future plans to do youth ministry together. My freshmen year of college he asked me to marry him. The next March of 2008 we were married.

I remember the moment before my dad walked me down the isle my dad said, "If you don't want to do this you don't have to. I have heard some things about his work ethic." That was the first I had ever heard anything negative about him from my dad. I didn't listen dad loved Sam. Nothing would have changed my mind. I was suppose to marry him, I was crazy in love (or what I thought was love). I wouldn't be where I am or who i am if I didn't. Even if I had the chance to go back in time knowing what I know now, I would  still l do it all again. 

It's been very hard for me to think back and try to remember the good times and why I loved him. When I think of a memory I can't help but wonder what of that was a lie too? When did it really start? We were very happy while we were dating and engaged. And we had many happy times while being married too. A few months before everything blew up the second time I remember telling his mom it was the happiest we have ever been. He had finally after several years made some friends. They were a good group of guys. They would come over and hang out all the time. I loved it. 

I knew he stole from his parents in high-school. It didn't seem like a red flag to me, that's pretty common. On one of my phone conversations with his older brother while I was filing for divorce, I learned that Sam has been writing checks from his bank account while he was dating me. Maybe he always had a problem, and I just didn't know. He meant so much to me. He changed me and was a big influence in my life. I would have done anything for him.  But I can't help but wonder if I meant anything to him? Did I help him in any way? Was I just a silly girl blinded by love? From my point of view it looks like I changed him for the worse. He went from a man going to school and being a youth leader to a criminal who can't keep a job or tell the truth. What did I do? I ruined him. And I have no idea what I did to cause such a dramatic transformation.

I want to start this post by bragging on my ex in-laws. I don't want anyone to think I dislike them or blame them. Quite the contrary. I adore them. We were very close. They are the best parents I could ever ask for. His mom was my best friend. We had the mother daughter relationship I always wanted. I absolutely loved being apart of their family. I miss every single one of them and still think of them often. I told him all I wanted in the divorce was his family, he could have everything else. If only life worked that way right?. They will always have a place in my heart, and I am forever grateful for everything they ever did for me and every moment I got to be apart of their family. 

When we got married they asked us to get a covenant marriage. I didn't know really what it was. Basically it's a Christian piece of paper saying you can't get divorced. I was 20, I was in love and naive. No way was my marriage going to fail. I didn't even even give it a second thought. 

Covenant marriage legally says, the only way you can get divorced is physical abuse, adultery, felony, or neglect of at least two years. You then have to be separated for two years and go through counseling to try to work through the issues. Seems simple enough. No big deal. That would never happen to me.

(I changed my ex husbands name for him and his family, incase he does change his life. I don't want his past to ruin his chance at a future) 

Sam committed a felony. I went to his court case to support him. I could feel the judge starring at me all morning. Probably trying to figure out who I was since he had a file for every other person in the room. Sam was last, leaving me the only one still sitting. Judge asked who I was, then closed his file and ripped into Sam. He said, "Your wife obviously loves you. If I give you what you deserve you will not be able to do anything but flip burgers the rest of your life and you will never be able to care for her. I'm going to give you a misdemeanor, I better never see you again. You treat her right." He got it reduced to a misdemeanor. What I thought was our greatest blessing turned out to be the knife in my back. 

After the second time he was caught several years later we went to counseling. I drug him there really. The guy told us we needed to go separately. He referred Sam to a Christian financial counselor. And he sent me to one of his women to work through my pain. I loved her. I love counseling. If I could afford it I would go every week! She helped me process a lot of my emotions.  At the end of my sessions, she told me she had written and sent off what she needed to my lawyer after the first week. Basically she knew after the first session I had made up my mind, I knew what I was doing, and it is the right decision. 

But I was still stuck for two more years. His parents fought hard for us. They did everything possible to keep us together and I love them because of that. Seriously the best inlaws a girl could ask for. But I wasn't married to them. I was married to their son. I sat there and watched him say all the right things with his parents. But when we were alone he did nothing. I wanted him to fight for me and for us. But he never did. Fighting for a person who wouldn't fight with me was futile.

Why do we as Christians feel the need to make our marriage look "better" than the rest of the world?  God isn't going to tell all the couples who don't have the 'christian' marriage that their marriage isn't good enough. 

What of other abusive and hurtful relationships not listed in the contract? I don't believe God wants people to get divorced. It is not how he designed marriage. But we live in a fallen world. No one is perfect. I don't think God wants his children to live in unhealthy circumstances. And there are many more ways a person can destroy another without actually physically touching them.

Emotional abuse is the hardest to prove. Because you can't point to the evidence. You can't see it happening until it's to late. I didn't have bruises or broken bones. You can't see my scars by just looking at me. But my spirit and heart were destroyed by the man who was suppose to protect me. Does that mean my pain is not as real as a woman whose husband broke her bones?  It's different, but just as serious. Who are Christians to decide who's sin or pain is worse than others in Gods eyes? 

I understand the reasoning behind the covenant marriage. It's to help people work through their issues and remain married. However, in an abusive situation, I was unable to get out. I was drug through two more years of him hurting me when my heart needed to be set free. 

In the Bible Belt we are raised to believe divorce should never be an option when you are a Christian. You work out whatever issues come up. My parents said all the time they would never even mention the "d" word. It's not an option. That was how I was raised. How can you love Jesus and want to divorce your husband at the same time?

I was hurt. My husband had been lying to me for basically our whole marriage. Him getting arrested and having most of our future ruined was not enough of a wake up call for him.  After years of struggling to connect with him and have him let me into his life, I had finally felt peace that divorce was the decision. I assumed everyone thought I was wrong and wanted to change my mind. 

The church I belonged to and love was a long drive. I was hurting. I was angry. I felt like I would be judged. But in all honesty, only a couple of the people there even had a clue what was going on. So many mornings I got up to go, and as I was walking to the door I would get so angry I would have a panic attack. Eventually I just quit trying.

I have thought back on my conversations with those who knew the intimate details of my marriage and what I had been going through. Not one of them told me I was wrong. In fact everyone I really let know all the details was strongly encouraging me to run as fast as I can. 

Why did I feel like I wasn't allowed to pray or go to church? It was all in my head. During that time I physically hurt because of how broken my heart was. I was lonely, I thought no one understood, and they all judged me. It that wasn't the case. I isolated myself from my friends, my church family and my God because I was ashamed at what my life had turned into. I was the one judging me, not anyone else. I willingly did the one thing that I wasn't suppose to ever consider. Though I had no control over any of it, I blamed myself for it all.  

In my thoughts of wanting to help other people in my situation I tried to think of what I would have benefited from. Honestly nothing would have made it any easier. It was a tough road I had no choice but to go down it. But knowing that I was not the only one would have made me feel much less like a failure. So I felt compelled to write down and share my story. I don't know why. I don't know how. But it's not to hurt anyone or make anyone look bad. It's to share my feelings, failures and experiences.