She Found Her Wings

I was in a wedding this weekend. One thing the officiant said was "Marriage entangled your families for life, no matter what happens your will always be connected."

My mind went back to my first marriage. I have no reason to ever come into contact with him. We didn't have kids to co-parent together. It was a clean break. I keep up with two of Sam's family members on social media now that it's been a few years. I didn't think what the officiant said could be true. But then when I thought about it. Our families are still connected even if we aren't. They still live in the same town and their paths cross regularly. As much as I wish my brothers or dad would beat the crap out of him, everyone is thankfully friendly.

I removed them all from social media when it first happened. I was going through intense pain. And seeing them post things about the happy things that they were doing together made it all even harder. The one family I actually felt I belonged to, I chose to walk away. I was no longer apart. Sometimes I wonder if It would be inappropriate to reach out now. None of them reached out to me once I had made my decision. But I can't blame them. It was a difficult awkward situation. I walked away from all of them, even if it wasn't my choice. Now that the healing has taken place I wonder how they are all doing. There are now several new babies, a new marriage and who knows what else. I miss his family. Every single one of them. 

Lots of places or things will remind me of memories I had with them. It happens all the time. It always brings a sad smile to my face. Great memories, sad it's over. In fact right across the street from where this wedding took place was where Sam's little brother got married. Seeing it brought back many happy memories of my old family. That was one of the last happy "night outs" me and Sam had before I found out the truth a couple months later at his other brothers wedding. 

Do I have these feelings about Sam? Not one, only about his family. I feel I should have some kind of nostalgia towards the guy I was in love with for 8 years, but I don't. I can honestly say I feel nothing when I think of him. The only time I wonder what he is up to, is when I get phone calls from law enforcement or lawyers looking for him. (Turns out he is giving my number to people he owes.) I just say, "I'm the ex wife. Stop calling me."  They apologize. Then someone different starts looking for him a few weeks later. Maybe if I knew he had turned his life around I would feel the happy sadness looking back on our time together that I feel for his family. But knowing he hasn't changed one bit, I don't have those feelings for him. I don't feel connected to him one bit. 

So yes. What the officiant said this weekend was true. Yes, marriage connects families forever. No matter what happens. The silliest things will always remind me of my old family. I will always be connected to them even if it's just in my head. I might not be apart of their family, but that doesn't mean I didn't take things from them. Their parenting style, their life choices, their beliefs, how they ran their home and loved their kids. They will never know me or my family now, but they will have a impact on how I build mine.