She Found Her Wings

Weddings like crazy in my family this spring. My sister married a wonderful man this past weekend. A man who I am obsessed with for her. I told her when he asked her out I needs a 3 page paper on all his flaws so I can be realistic about him as a human. (She hasn't done that yet, I bet after a year of marriage she could do it.) My brother gets married next month. I'm also obsessed with his lady. Every time she opens her mouth I fall even more in love with her. Major plus, I'm no longer the weird one in the family because she is crazy! 

Of course in all the toasts and wedding festivities everyone is giving the couples marriage advice. No one said anything bad, but the couples aren't listening. Not because they weren't paying attention, but I promise you, they won't remember a word anyone said the whole weekend. So I didn't give them any advise. Except to call me when they feel alone and scared things are failing, because I have been there. So they don't have to do it alone.

So here is my marriage advise, for my sister and her husband, my brother and his wife, and the whole rest of the world because apparently I am a blogger. And everyone wants to hear what a girl who was divorced at the age of 24 has to say about marriage. (Yes that was sarcasm)

You are both going to fail each other. Both of y'all will break each other's hearts. You wont be able to keep every word of your vows every day, you are human. Some failures will be bigger than others, but whatever you do, whatever happens. NEVER LIE ABOUT IT. Don't try to hide your failures. Your spouse does not expect you to be perfect. Anything can be worked through and fixed if you are both committed to fix whatever issues that come up. But if you lie about it, there is no coming back from that. Once I had been lied to so many times by Sam, I was at the point where even if he did start telling the truth, I would never be able to trust that it was truth. Once trust is broken, it will never be the same as it was. Just never lie!!!

So Brother and Sister, If things start looking bad for you and your spouse and one of you isn't fighting for your marriage. Don't be surprised when I show up at your door and ask you some rough questions. I wish someone would have come into my home, grabbed Sam by the neck and said, "You promised, I heard you on your wedding day make all those promises, why are you treating her like this?" His dad did do that. His dad asked him the hard questions. His dad yelled at him. His dad also asked me the hard questions, and yelled at me when I did my stupid things. Because he really cared. He was fighting for his family. Unfortunately his dad and I lost the war. But you better believe, I'll fight for you, I'll fight for your marriage. Because it's important. It's a family thing, and I care.

Sam has been giving my number out to people that are searching for him. I have been getting phone calls from mostly attorneys and a few debt collectors. Several of them have talked to me a bit. When they find out I am his ex wife and divorced him because of his lying and stealing, most of them take my number out of their files, some say they can't because he said it was his number so they have to keep it for records. My curiosity is dying to know what he is doing, but I've never ask. I fight the urge to spend a few dollars and do a background check on him. To find out what all he did while we were married and he is doing now. I don't really care, I'm just curious and nosy, like any other women. Anything I find out might just irritate me. But it really doesn't matter anymore.

Jason suggested changing my phone number if it continued. I really didn't want to do that. It's the only cellphone number I've had since age 14. It was also kinda sentimental. I picked that number specifically. It was code numbers for some middle school boys my friends and I had made up. (Don't laugh, you know you had code names too). So I stalled, hoping things would calm down.

One day I had two calls, normally I only got one every few days. Then I was sitting on break at work and his number popped up. Sam was calling me. I just stared at my phone the entire time it rang. I wanted to answer and ask him what he could possibly think he needed to say to me. But I didn't answer. I'm done dealing with his crap and listening to his lies. Later that night I decided to text him back. I said, "I don't know why you think you have any reason to call me. But since you did, stop giving my number out to people who are looking for you". Maybe I should have just ignored it and not texted him. But I got it off my chest, and was able to just forget about it. But then I got another phone call. So I asked Jason to change my number while I was working that day. I have lived in Northwest Arkansas for almost 10 years, I might as well have the correct area code. This is my home. It always will be, now I have the phone number to back that up.

If anyone treats any of my family the way he did, you can bet I will be busting their door down and giving them a piece of my mind. But I am the hothead in my family, so no one would bat an eye. It would be strange for anyone else in my family to initiate any sort of confrontation. Since everything came to light all those years ago, I wish my dad and brothers were confrontational hotheads. I wished someone would have told him it's not ok to treat their daughter or sister like he did and knocked him out cold. But my brothers are neither violent or immature. So whenever anyone saw Sam they where always polite and cordial. He just got away with it. But my family has more important things to do than talk to someone who doesn't care. We have our happy wonderful lives, marriages and babies to be focusing on. So we will continue focusing on the present. Not the past which won't change, and doesn't matter.

I was in a wedding this weekend. One thing the officiant said was "Marriage entangled your families for life, no matter what happens your will always be connected."

My mind went back to my first marriage. I have no reason to ever come into contact with him. We didn't have kids to co-parent together. It was a clean break. I keep up with two of Sam's family members on social media now that it's been a few years. I didn't think what the officiant said could be true. But then when I thought about it. Our families are still connected even if we aren't. They still live in the same town and their paths cross regularly. As much as I wish my brothers or dad would beat the crap out of him, everyone is thankfully friendly.

I removed them all from social media when it first happened. I was going through intense pain. And seeing them post things about the happy things that they were doing together made it all even harder. The one family I actually felt I belonged to, I chose to walk away. I was no longer apart. Sometimes I wonder if It would be inappropriate to reach out now. None of them reached out to me once I had made my decision. But I can't blame them. It was a difficult awkward situation. I walked away from all of them, even if it wasn't my choice. Now that the healing has taken place I wonder how they are all doing. There are now several new babies, a new marriage and who knows what else. I miss his family. Every single one of them. 

Lots of places or things will remind me of memories I had with them. It happens all the time. It always brings a sad smile to my face. Great memories, sad it's over. In fact right across the street from where this wedding took place was where Sam's little brother got married. Seeing it brought back many happy memories of my old family. That was one of the last happy "night outs" me and Sam had before I found out the truth a couple months later at his other brothers wedding. 

Do I have these feelings about Sam? Not one, only about his family. I feel I should have some kind of nostalgia towards the guy I was in love with for 8 years, but I don't. I can honestly say I feel nothing when I think of him. The only time I wonder what he is up to, is when I get phone calls from law enforcement or lawyers looking for him. (Turns out he is giving my number to people he owes.) I just say, "I'm the ex wife. Stop calling me."  They apologize. Then someone different starts looking for him a few weeks later. Maybe if I knew he had turned his life around I would feel the happy sadness looking back on our time together that I feel for his family. But knowing he hasn't changed one bit, I don't have those feelings for him. I don't feel connected to him one bit. 

So yes. What the officiant said this weekend was true. Yes, marriage connects families forever. No matter what happens. The silliest things will always remind me of my old family. I will always be connected to them even if it's just in my head. I might not be apart of their family, but that doesn't mean I didn't take things from them. Their parenting style, their life choices, their beliefs, how they ran their home and loved their kids. They will never know me or my family now, but they will have a impact on how I build mine. 

Jason and I wanted to just make things legal at the court house. His family was to excited. They had sat and watched him crumble after his ex-wife decided one day she didn't want to be married and refused to speak to him again. They always hoped, but never expected he would trust anyone again. When I came into the picture everyone welcomed me with open arms and told me how happy they were to see Jason fall in love again. They kept telling me they always knew he wanted kids and a family, but they never thought they would see it happen for him. They were just as excited as I was to see Jason become a father. 

With how important family is to Jason and I, it went from a courthouse elopement, to a backyard wedding to an actual small ceremony at a local park. Honestly it was perfect. My brother got ordained and he preformed our shortest ceremony in the world. We wrote our own vows. That was important to us being we were a unique situation. Standard vows just didn't seem right.

I was not nervous at all. I had one minute of worry as I was hiding behind the trees waiting on it to start. Did I really want to legally tie myself to someone again, after how my last one destroyed my life? Was I stupid? Then I remembered I was marrying Jason. I didn't have one doubt that he was who I was suppose to marry. 

No one imagines their dream wedding being the second time around. Much less when they are 8 months pregnant. It wasn't ideal. We had plans of eloping to the beach, but getting pregnant changed that plan. It was the perfect way for us to start our lives officially married.  we were able to tie Peyton into our vows. I didn't stress about anything. Everything was laid back and casual. I think having a small wedding was the best option. I have none of the regrets we might have had if we had gone and signed papers at the courthouse. I'm one blessed woman.

I grew up in the homeschool Christian bubble. I fought the bubble and the views of that crowd. I saw many different parenting views from one extreme to the other as I grew up I saw what happens when the kids become adults.I have therefore formed opinions, and ideas of how I think is best. However,I have only been a parent for 14 months. I'm not an expert. I am scared to death we are going to screw up our daughter.

I heard a man speaking about how domestic violence is a men's issue, not a women's problem. We raise boys to believe girls are inferior. Saying things like, "toughen up", "you throw like a girl" teaches boys are better than girls. Boys are discouraged from showing emotion or crying when they are younger, they are only allowed to get angry. The mindset of men who attack and abuse women starts when they are little. We need to teach our sons to appreciate the femininity of girls, and respect their point of view from a young age. If we don't teach our sons how to respect girls, who will? 

On the flip side we need to teach our daughters that they are precious and show them how they should be treated. If they aren't taught when they are little and developing how they should be treated, they will not have good standards of how their boyfriends should be treating them. 

The recent cheating site hack that exposed a conservative Christian celeb has been all over social media. A woman posted her response on Facebook and it blew up. I have never read something I agree with as much as her post. I couldn't find the post when I went back to look for it. Her line, "I will raise my daughters to believe she breathes fire" has really stuck with me. 

In her post she's basically explains why this celebrities wife will never divorce her lying cheating husband. She has no education, no experience and was raised to believe she is inferior to her husband. She believes it's her job to stand by her husband quietly and take care of his house and kids with no opinions. That's all she knows, it's how she was raised. When she should be taking her kids and running from him, she can't. She believes him cheating was her fault. Her family, her friends, and her faith will shun her for divorcing him, not him for having multiple affairs. When problems arise it's the women's fault never the mans. My heart breaks for her. Where in the Bible does it show this is how marriage and women should be treated? Where does it show to treat girls as they are not valuable? 

I don't think women are more important as men. We are equally important and valuable. In my marriage, Jason values me and my opinions just as much as I value his. It's an equal partnership. When Christian men quote  "wives submit to your husband". They fail to keep reading the rest of the chapter where if goes into length about how a man should love and cherish his wife. When he treats her with love and honor, he will have earned her respect. If a woman submits to a man who doesn't respect her opinion and feelings, it's a breeding ground for an abusive situation.

My sister started her first real relationship over the summer. I love new exciting love. I'm so excited for my sister. She had some concerns. We stayed up most of the night talking about relationships and boys. Girl talk and giggles all night long is something I love, and talking about boys is even more fun.  New love is exciting and fun, but also scary and risky.

If there is someone who seems to be everything you could want in a spouse, but you don't have the romantic feelings for, give it a chance to see if the passion grows. Most relationships that just start off with intense passion without a foundation of something substantial, fizzle out and don't last. (Not saying they don't work out, Jason and I started off as a passionate whirlwind.) My sister in law said when my brother asked her out she didn't have a single reason to tell him no, and as their relationship grew and got to know each other, so did their romantic feelings and passion. It was the other end of the spectrum with Jason and I. We both knew at first sight we wanted forever with each other and all the feelings were there from the beginning.

Two completely different ways to fall in love. Does that mean one way is more correct than the other? No. Does one of our relationships have more love than the other? Nope. Some people have a defining moment when they know for a fact they fall in love. Others slowly realize it over time. It seems to my people fall in love the opposite of how they will expect it to happen. The real thing will challenge every view and expectation you ever had a lot love.

It is scary to have a friendship that you might lose if something goes south romantically. But counter to that, it could be the best thing to ever happen to you. What if you try to make something work with someone who seems interesting, but it doesn't work out. It seems conservative Christians value marrying the first person you date. It's special if it works out that way, but, that's not always good. Breaking up with a boyfriend is way easier then trying to force a relationship with a person you never should marry in the first place. Don't be afraid to break off a relationship if it's not right. Relationships will always be a risk and scary. No risk=no reward.

At one point in my life Sam was exactly what I  needed. He taught me about love in the way he treated me when we were dating. Before Sam a lot of my views of what love was very distorted because of experiences while i was growing up. We were a perfect fit in our dreams of what we wanted to do with our lives. I was a hurt scared girl when we met. He helped encourage me and learn to be confident in myself. 

We met when i was in 8th grade. We were both on a missions trip with our youth group. On the plan ride home dad tried to play match maker and changed seats with him so we sat together. He was nice. I didn't think anything more of him at the time. The summer before my senior year Sam was at my house hanging out with my older brother. By the end of the summer we were dating. We were very happy together. We fell in love. We had future plans to do youth ministry together. My freshmen year of college he asked me to marry him. The next March of 2008 we were married.

I remember the moment before my dad walked me down the isle my dad said, "If you don't want to do this you don't have to. I have heard some things about his work ethic." That was the first I had ever heard anything negative about him from my dad. I didn't listen dad loved Sam. Nothing would have changed my mind. I was suppose to marry him, I was crazy in love (or what I thought was love). I wouldn't be where I am or who i am if I didn't. Even if I had the chance to go back in time knowing what I know now, I would  still l do it all again. 

It's been very hard for me to think back and try to remember the good times and why I loved him. When I think of a memory I can't help but wonder what of that was a lie too? When did it really start? We were very happy while we were dating and engaged. And we had many happy times while being married too. A few months before everything blew up the second time I remember telling his mom it was the happiest we have ever been. He had finally after several years made some friends. They were a good group of guys. They would come over and hang out all the time. I loved it. 

I knew he stole from his parents in high-school. It didn't seem like a red flag to me, that's pretty common. On one of my phone conversations with his older brother while I was filing for divorce, I learned that Sam has been writing checks from his bank account while he was dating me. Maybe he always had a problem, and I just didn't know. He meant so much to me. He changed me and was a big influence in my life. I would have done anything for him.  But I can't help but wonder if I meant anything to him? Did I help him in any way? Was I just a silly girl blinded by love? From my point of view it looks like I changed him for the worse. He went from a man going to school and being a youth leader to a criminal who can't keep a job or tell the truth. What did I do? I ruined him. And I have no idea what I did to cause such a dramatic transformation.

I want to start this post by bragging on my ex in-laws. I don't want anyone to think I dislike them or blame them. Quite the contrary. I adore them. We were very close. They are the best parents I could ever ask for. His mom was my best friend. We had the mother daughter relationship I always wanted. I absolutely loved being apart of their family. I miss every single one of them and still think of them often. I told him all I wanted in the divorce was his family, he could have everything else. If only life worked that way right?. They will always have a place in my heart, and I am forever grateful for everything they ever did for me and every moment I got to be apart of their family. 

When we got married they asked us to get a covenant marriage. I didn't know really what it was. Basically it's a Christian piece of paper saying you can't get divorced. I was 20, I was in love and naive. No way was my marriage going to fail. I didn't even even give it a second thought. 

Covenant marriage legally says, the only way you can get divorced is physical abuse, adultery, felony, or neglect of at least two years. You then have to be separated for two years and go through counseling to try to work through the issues. Seems simple enough. No big deal. That would never happen to me.

(I changed my ex husbands name for him and his family, incase he does change his life. I don't want his past to ruin his chance at a future) 

Sam committed a felony. I went to his court case to support him. I could feel the judge starring at me all morning. Probably trying to figure out who I was since he had a file for every other person in the room. Sam was last, leaving me the only one still sitting. Judge asked who I was, then closed his file and ripped into Sam. He said, "Your wife obviously loves you. If I give you what you deserve you will not be able to do anything but flip burgers the rest of your life and you will never be able to care for her. I'm going to give you a misdemeanor, I better never see you again. You treat her right." He got it reduced to a misdemeanor. What I thought was our greatest blessing turned out to be the knife in my back. 

After the second time he was caught several years later we went to counseling. I drug him there really. The guy told us we needed to go separately. He referred Sam to a Christian financial counselor. And he sent me to one of his women to work through my pain. I loved her. I love counseling. If I could afford it I would go every week! She helped me process a lot of my emotions.  At the end of my sessions, she told me she had written and sent off what she needed to my lawyer after the first week. Basically she knew after the first session I had made up my mind, I knew what I was doing, and it is the right decision. 

But I was still stuck for two more years. His parents fought hard for us. They did everything possible to keep us together and I love them because of that. Seriously the best inlaws a girl could ask for. But I wasn't married to them. I was married to their son. I sat there and watched him say all the right things with his parents. But when we were alone he did nothing. I wanted him to fight for me and for us. But he never did. Fighting for a person who wouldn't fight with me was futile.

Why do we as Christians feel the need to make our marriage look "better" than the rest of the world?  God isn't going to tell all the couples who don't have the 'christian' marriage that their marriage isn't good enough. 

What of other abusive and hurtful relationships not listed in the contract? I don't believe God wants people to get divorced. It is not how he designed marriage. But we live in a fallen world. No one is perfect. I don't think God wants his children to live in unhealthy circumstances. And there are many more ways a person can destroy another without actually physically touching them.

Emotional abuse is the hardest to prove. Because you can't point to the evidence. You can't see it happening until it's to late. I didn't have bruises or broken bones. You can't see my scars by just looking at me. But my spirit and heart were destroyed by the man who was suppose to protect me. Does that mean my pain is not as real as a woman whose husband broke her bones?  It's different, but just as serious. Who are Christians to decide who's sin or pain is worse than others in Gods eyes? 

I understand the reasoning behind the covenant marriage. It's to help people work through their issues and remain married. However, in an abusive situation, I was unable to get out. I was drug through two more years of him hurting me when my heart needed to be set free. 

In the Bible Belt we are raised to believe divorce should never be an option when you are a Christian. You work out whatever issues come up. My parents said all the time they would never even mention the "d" word. It's not an option. That was how I was raised. How can you love Jesus and want to divorce your husband at the same time?

I was hurt. My husband had been lying to me for basically our whole marriage. Him getting arrested and having most of our future ruined was not enough of a wake up call for him.  After years of struggling to connect with him and have him let me into his life, I had finally felt peace that divorce was the decision. I assumed everyone thought I was wrong and wanted to change my mind. 

The church I belonged to and love was a long drive. I was hurting. I was angry. I felt like I would be judged. But in all honesty, only a couple of the people there even had a clue what was going on. So many mornings I got up to go, and as I was walking to the door I would get so angry I would have a panic attack. Eventually I just quit trying.

I have thought back on my conversations with those who knew the intimate details of my marriage and what I had been going through. Not one of them told me I was wrong. In fact everyone I really let know all the details was strongly encouraging me to run as fast as I can. 

Why did I feel like I wasn't allowed to pray or go to church? It was all in my head. During that time I physically hurt because of how broken my heart was. I was lonely, I thought no one understood, and they all judged me. It that wasn't the case. I isolated myself from my friends, my church family and my God because I was ashamed at what my life had turned into. I was the one judging me, not anyone else. I willingly did the one thing that I wasn't suppose to ever consider. Though I had no control over any of it, I blamed myself for it all.  

In my thoughts of wanting to help other people in my situation I tried to think of what I would have benefited from. Honestly nothing would have made it any easier. It was a tough road I had no choice but to go down it. But knowing that I was not the only one would have made me feel much less like a failure. So I felt compelled to write down and share my story. I don't know why. I don't know how. But it's not to hurt anyone or make anyone look bad. It's to share my feelings, failures and experiences.