She Found Her Wings

I have struggled hard with this post. I'm not sure how much is to much to share because I want this blog to be completely anonymous. It's not about hurting someone else's reputation, but about sharing my experiences in hopes others who are hurting alone will talk to someone and get the help they need. I have been working on this one for so long, but I keep rewriting and changing it. Then I decide not to even post it at all. But I have talked to a struggling friend, I know I have to post. So sorry, for the length, and the ugly personal details. I hope my point comes across. It's my soapbox I get passionate about and ramble. 

Good people sometimes do bad things, it doesn't make them a bad person. Sometimes they might not even realize what they said or did is so wrong. I have been abused by multiple people. Maybe they knew what they were doing. But few I honestly believe they did not realize what they were doing was wrong. Everyone responds to abuse differently. I learned to disassociate myself with it. My mind would shut down and I wouldn't be there mentally. Honestly it was only when I was married and starting to have sex with Sam did I have flashbacks and even remember I was abused as a young child. 

I had this friend through preteen years who knew most of the struggles I was going through at home and how it affected me. Eventually he became my boyfriend. We told each other we loved each other. For two clueless teenagers, I believe we did love each other for the age we were. I was 16 when we had our first kiss. You can imagine what happened when you put a broken insecure girl, the deepness of our friendship, and teenage boy going through puberty. While he never forced himself on me. He never seemed to hear when I tried to tell him about how I did not like what we were doing. So I quit trying to fight him. My mind would disengage like it had trained itself to do during my childhood abuse. So wether he realized he was able to manipulate me because he knew what my insecurities were or not. (Which I don't believe he had a clue.) It doesn't matter. It happened. I lost valuable pieces of myself wasn't ready to give away.

A year after I got married my childhood abuser, drove many hours just to take me to breakfast and apologized for everything that happened. He didn't have to do this. He changed and took responsibility for his actions. Does it change what he did? Nope. But I will tell you what it did do. It made it easier for me to heal. Forgiving was easier. Which in turn made working though the issues with my counselor easier. The damage was done, the scars and issues are there that I will always deal with. I did not really respond when he apologized, I was shocked. I wasn't prepared for that. Honestly I had only recently begun to remember the abuse and at the beginning stages of working through it. I know how rare and fortunate I am to have gotten a sincere apology. But it was very much appreciated no matter how awkward it was.

I had to share a house with Sam for a year after I filed for divorce. You can only imaging the struggles involved in that. I still loved him but I was crushed by the life he was living, but I was determined to leave him because he did not love me. It was really a huge emotional mess. I did not understand how dangerous and unhealthy it was for me to stay in that house with him until I was out. I only stayed because I had no other options. Looking back, I would have done that whole situation differently. It got to the point I was locking my door at night to keep myself safe. My boss kept telling me to go to the women's shelter. But I didn't feel my life was that bad. If you are going through a divorce, it might be humiliating to have to ask a friend or family member if you can mooch off them for a while. But I promise, you need that separation.

When I started dating the guy I saw during my divorce, I was clear up front I could not do anything serious. He realized what was going on at my house and gave me his key so I had a safe place to go. He worked overnight shifts and was opposite my schedule.  As time went on I heard so many times from him, "we are adults. People are assuming we are doing it since you basically live here". Or my personal favorite, "you are my girlfriend, there are certain responsibilities you have". (Oh no he didn't!) I broke up with him. After several weeks he apologized and we started seeing each other again. Things were fine for awhile, then it wasn't fine. I don't think the he knew what he was really saying. Those statements were true, and it's how our culture thinks. But that didn't mean I was ready for that or that it made it ok for him to think that way. I don't for a second think he was a bad guy, it is just how our world functions these day. 

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do!! (Except pay your bills and clean up after yourself, sorry) I'm not saying that there will be times you just are "not in the mood", and you suck it up and do it. (Also, has anyone ever regretted getting in the mood?) Don't let anyone guilt or manipulate you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable! You don't owe anyone anything. Wether he is your boyfriend, husband or random person, I don't care if you are a grown adult and everyone else is doing it, if you don't want to do it. Don't do it. And don't stand for anyone making you feel bad about that decision. Someone using your insecurities against you to get what they want is wrong.

Guys feel their needs need to be met no matter the cost to anyone else. I have heard stories where guys are confronted by someone about taking advantage of a girl they didn't even realize there was a problem. Or like the famous Brock Turner's dad didn't want his son's future to be ruined for his 10 min of fun. I get so hot and mad when I hear stories like this because I am the other side. Girls don't have confidence or strength to say no more clearly than they already did. Or they did say no and the guy doesn't care about anything other than his desires. I personally know how Brock Turner might have only had 10 min of fun, But that poor girl will never forget, it will affect every moment of the rest of her life. 

I am ashamed of my generation for many reasons. How can we make this better for the next generation? I believe it starts at home with our kids when they are babies. Growing up I did not have a healthy love life modeled for me as I grew up. I did not have encouragement build into me to give me self confidence.  On the other hand, we need to teach our kids to respect other people and their boundaries while being sensitive to other people's comfort. No one owes them anything. I'm not a parenting expert. I don't know how to go about doing this. But I know it is a huge problem I don't want passed onto the next generation, my generation has done enough damage.

This morning It will have been a year since we lost my grandmother. My mom called before 7 am. Before I even called her back, I knew what had happened. It sounds wrong. It sounds like just some person I am related to had died. The words "my grandmother" don't even come close to describing how much she meant to me. She has never been just "my grandmother", but my guardian angel, my friend and my role model, my second mother. With my bad relationship with my own mother, Dorsey was who I viewed as my mother. Today is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for every moment, conversation, cuddle, laugh and adventure I had with her. 

Spending the night at her house was always my favorite. Especially when I got to go alone without my brothers. She was the best cook. After we cuddled in her bed watching tv, She would always say prayers with me and tuck me in, and give me kisses. What I wouldn't give for one more sleepover. One more time to be tucked in the way she does best. She took my brothers and me on big vacations. She never missed any performance or event in my life. She was sick the day I got my first period, but she send Grandan over with a present for me. I was mortified then, but it's hilarious now. All seemingly small things, but they meant the world to me.

I remember after her stroke communicating was hard. She never fully recovered and it was hard seeing her like that. She didn't remember things, she couldn't hear me when I called. I hated being far away. I couldn't spend as much time as I wanted. I missed so much time I could have spent with her if I had not moved. Her and my sister were my reasons to visit. 

During my first marriage. She was the one I turned to. Her and my grandfather helped me financially and supported me through the whole thing. She never once said a word, she let my grandfather do all the talking and lecturing. She just did all the loving. Sam told me it frustrated him talking to her because she always asked him about his job and financial situation. Looking back I think she knew Sam was still lying even though no one else did. She was probably trying to get him to fess up to me. I remember sitting across from her at dinner telling her I miscarried her first great-grandchild and was getting a divorce. She again didn't say a word, she didn't look surprised, she just hugged me. Cause she knew nothing anyone said would change my situation or take my pain away.

At the end I remember sitting in her hospital room. Everyone said she was unresponsive. But she kept squeezing my hand and looking at me. She couldn't talk, but she was trying to tell me something. It was hard for me to meet her eyes and see her like that. She would stare at Peyton when she wasn't looking at me. The next time I saw her I knew it was the last. I just wanted to curl up in her bed with her and stay by her side until the last possible second. But I had a husband and a baby and a responsibilities. It was so hard walking away. Knowing I would never see her again this side of heaven. What do you say in that moment? How do you let someone know they mean everything to you. And they were perfect. And you don't know how to go on without them. And you wish you will be just like them when you grow up. Through my uncontrollable sobs and blubbering words, I hope she knew.

I will hear her favorite hymns play at work or other places, and I feel her presence. I sing Peyton to sleep in her rocking chair every night. Some of the songs I learned sitting next to her in church every Sunday. I can still remember her voice singing them. One night I was just overwhelmed by the feeling that she was watching me. I sat there and I talked to her and cried while Peyton slept in my arms. I don't know why, I don't know how to explain it. (Maybe I accidentally had two doses of my meds that morning.) I feel her presence a lot. Now if that's actually what's happening, or if it's just in my head I'll never know. Either way, It helps me feel better thinking she is here watching over me. 

The next post from my friend Vicky touches my heart. I can't explain why as women we do things we know are wrong when we are hurting. I had relationships and been messing around with people I had no business even speaking to. I was embarrassed by how I was acting. I shut myself off from my friends who honestly cares about me. I thought once they knew my marriage had failed, and how I was responding and dealing they would shun me. There were tons of acquaintances and fake friends who were cruel in how they started treating me in my dark days. Some didn't really surprise to me, but some did and truly broke my heart when I found out. But I'm thankful for it because now I know who my true friends are. Looking back I wish I hadn't been so scared to be around my friends, I'm sure I would have made better choices if I had been open and honest with them. It's true the kind of people you hang around affect how you live your life. I was spending time with the wrong crowds because I felt the people who love me would judge and blame me. 

Chapter 4 from Guest Blogger Sara's Hope Founder.

As I said before I was" searching for love in all the wrong places. "  Funny how this song fits so many situations.  As I said, my emotions were a roller coaster of ups and downs.  The sadness of trying to find a level plain of a personality was difficult.  Who was I,  what happened to me?  What now? I had choices I never thought of before.  I could buy a car, I could get food at a drive through,  the choices were charging through me, and what freedom I had.  Pow! I had to stop and realize I had responsibilities, bills to pay, and living with my Mother was not a free ride.  

The saddest memory of adultery, is the fear, that the wife of the man would find out.  And most of all, they both were good friends to me. During this time period my Dad was very ill.  My children, were still in Kansas.  I was living in an apt. My choices were wrong, and voices from the past would scream, " Your parents will take the kids away from you." I saw my Dad once before he passed away.  When I learned he died,  I could not face my family.  I thought I was a failure. I ran to the house, of the man and woman (man being my secret lover), and tried to find refuge there.  I could not face my Mother.  

Finally, I went over to her house.  Brothers were arriving, and the memory is not vivid, but I found out they did not condemn me, they loved me.  What a wonderful welcome, and relief.  My ex had lied to me.  

Afterwards, Mother had told me, that my ex during all the issues of the aftermath of divorce, had came to her house.  He asked, " Why cannot your daughter have a climax?"  My Mother, looked him right in the eye and said, " I believe that has to be your problem, not hers."

So, as you see, we all have issues, and those decisions we have to make.  Some are the hardest ones, to realize you were not to blame. You were not the problem. I am grateful for family, who did their best to surround me with their love. And I am glad that I was able to have strength and courage to see my Mother after Dad had died.   She needed me.