She Found Her Wings

I have struggled hard with this post. I'm not sure how much is to much to share because I want this blog to be completely anonymous. It's not about hurting someone else's reputation, but about sharing my experiences in hopes others who are hurting alone will talk to someone and get the help they need. I have been working on this one for so long, but I keep rewriting and changing it. Then I decide not to even post it at all. But I have talked to a struggling friend, I know I have to post. So sorry, for the length, and the ugly personal details. I hope my point comes across. It's my soapbox I get passionate about and ramble. 

Good people sometimes do bad things, it doesn't make them a bad person. Sometimes they might not even realize what they said or did is so wrong. I have been abused by multiple people. Maybe they knew what they were doing. But few I honestly believe they did not realize what they were doing was wrong. Everyone responds to abuse differently. I learned to disassociate myself with it. My mind would shut down and I wouldn't be there mentally. Honestly it was only when I was married and starting to have sex with Sam did I have flashbacks and even remember I was abused as a young child. 

I had this friend through preteen years who knew most of the struggles I was going through at home and how it affected me. Eventually he became my boyfriend. We told each other we loved each other. For two clueless teenagers, I believe we did love each other for the age we were. I was 16 when we had our first kiss. You can imagine what happened when you put a broken insecure girl, the deepness of our friendship, and teenage boy going through puberty. While he never forced himself on me. He never seemed to hear when I tried to tell him about how I did not like what we were doing. So I quit trying to fight him. My mind would disengage like it had trained itself to do during my childhood abuse. So wether he realized he was able to manipulate me because he knew what my insecurities were or not. (Which I don't believe he had a clue.) It doesn't matter. It happened. I lost valuable pieces of myself wasn't ready to give away.

A year after I got married my childhood abuser, drove many hours just to take me to breakfast and apologized for everything that happened. He didn't have to do this. He changed and took responsibility for his actions. Does it change what he did? Nope. But I will tell you what it did do. It made it easier for me to heal. Forgiving was easier. Which in turn made working though the issues with my counselor easier. The damage was done, the scars and issues are there that I will always deal with. I did not really respond when he apologized, I was shocked. I wasn't prepared for that. Honestly I had only recently begun to remember the abuse and at the beginning stages of working through it. I know how rare and fortunate I am to have gotten a sincere apology. But it was very much appreciated no matter how awkward it was.

I had to share a house with Sam for a year after I filed for divorce. You can only imaging the struggles involved in that. I still loved him but I was crushed by the life he was living, but I was determined to leave him because he did not love me. It was really a huge emotional mess. I did not understand how dangerous and unhealthy it was for me to stay in that house with him until I was out. I only stayed because I had no other options. Looking back, I would have done that whole situation differently. It got to the point I was locking my door at night to keep myself safe. My boss kept telling me to go to the women's shelter. But I didn't feel my life was that bad. If you are going through a divorce, it might be humiliating to have to ask a friend or family member if you can mooch off them for a while. But I promise, you need that separation.

When I started dating the guy I saw during my divorce, I was clear up front I could not do anything serious. He realized what was going on at my house and gave me his key so I had a safe place to go. He worked overnight shifts and was opposite my schedule.  As time went on I heard so many times from him, "we are adults. People are assuming we are doing it since you basically live here". Or my personal favorite, "you are my girlfriend, there are certain responsibilities you have". (Oh no he didn't!) I broke up with him. After several weeks he apologized and we started seeing each other again. Things were fine for awhile, then it wasn't fine. I don't think the he knew what he was really saying. Those statements were true, and it's how our culture thinks. But that didn't mean I was ready for that or that it made it ok for him to think that way. I don't for a second think he was a bad guy, it is just how our world functions these day. 

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do!! (Except pay your bills and clean up after yourself, sorry) I'm not saying that there will be times you just are "not in the mood", and you suck it up and do it. (Also, has anyone ever regretted getting in the mood?) Don't let anyone guilt or manipulate you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable! You don't owe anyone anything. Wether he is your boyfriend, husband or random person, I don't care if you are a grown adult and everyone else is doing it, if you don't want to do it. Don't do it. And don't stand for anyone making you feel bad about that decision. Someone using your insecurities against you to get what they want is wrong.

Guys feel their needs need to be met no matter the cost to anyone else. I have heard stories where guys are confronted by someone about taking advantage of a girl they didn't even realize there was a problem. Or like the famous Brock Turner's dad didn't want his son's future to be ruined for his 10 min of fun. I get so hot and mad when I hear stories like this because I am the other side. Girls don't have confidence or strength to say no more clearly than they already did. Or they did say no and the guy doesn't care about anything other than his desires. I personally know how Brock Turner might have only had 10 min of fun, But that poor girl will never forget, it will affect every moment of the rest of her life. 

I am ashamed of my generation for many reasons. How can we make this better for the next generation? I believe it starts at home with our kids when they are babies. Growing up I did not have a healthy love life modeled for me as I grew up. I did not have encouragement build into me to give me self confidence.  On the other hand, we need to teach our kids to respect other people and their boundaries while being sensitive to other people's comfort. No one owes them anything. I'm not a parenting expert. I don't know how to go about doing this. But I know it is a huge problem I don't want passed onto the next generation, my generation has done enough damage.

I grew up abused sexually and mentally. I don't say this to accuse or try to hurt my abusers. No, I won't mention any names or any details that would tie back to them. I promise whoever you are thinking, you are wrong. I'm not writing for revenge or to hurt other people. I write this to help others in similar situations. Or people who don't have a clue and don't understand why some people act the way they do. I read so many self help books but none of them ever helped me. So I feel the need to share my process. 

Through my traumatic experiences I had taught my mind to shut down and block out what was happening. I got very good at it. So good that most of those moments I did not remember until I was married and I started having flash backs.  Before then I honestly had no memory of what happened until something would feel 'similar'. The memories came flooding back and I had severe panic attacks. I was to remember what happened and learn to deal with it.  Even this week I remembered an event that I had repressed. 

Sex was excruciatingly painful. I knew the first time was suppose to hurt and be uncomfortable. But it never got better. When I mentioned to my Dr it wasn't possible, she sent me to sex physical therapy. It took several months for me to get up the nerve to go. But I'm glad I did. I'll spare the details, but if you are having these issues ask your doctor. The first question the therapist asked was if I was abused. She said most of her patients are sexual abuse victims. They build up scar tissue that won't stretch like its suppose too. This can happen even to girls who were never touched inside. 

Sex was physically possible after I finished the therapy. I didnt just not enjoy it, I hated it. I still had panic attacks. We had figured out how to just get it done to try for a baby. We thought that once I had a baby it would fix itself (because of things the dr had told me about my issue). Looking back It seems I knew something was still very wrong with my marriage. Even if I couldn't put my finger on what it was. My mind was still in survival mode and shutting down to protect myself.

I felt Sam just gave up. He acted like he did not care we had a sexless marriage. Looking back he probably didn't want to push me to open up to him when he was hiding so much from me. After we split up I told myself I wouldn't marry again unless we had worked through my sex issue together. I didn't want another relationship that lacked sex. It's a very important aspect of a relationship. I needed a man who was willing to encourage and push me through to help me learn sex is a good thing. If the whole world is obsessed with sex it had to be a good thing. I wanted it. 

Jason was that man. He didn't understand even though he tried. He would get frustrated and mad. But that's ok, cause I would get just as mad and frustrated. We did not just brush it under the rug. We worked hard on it and talked it to death. It didn't take as long as I thought it would. My mind still reverts back and remembers things I had repressed and I shut down. Jason is not a man I need to protect myself from. I refuse to be with Jason when my mind is shutting down, I want to be present with him in the moment, I don't need to fear him. One thing he would always say to me when I was panicking, "it's just you and me" he would talk to me so all I would hear was his voice and could focus on him. When we got our promise rings that engraved on the inside of his. My panic attacks get fewer and father between the longer we are together. 

Sexual abuse is real. It's tough. There is much more to it than the actually act being raped. If you have never been abused in that way you can't fully understand how it impacts every aspect of your life, not just the physical. The statistics are high, most people have been abused in some way. So you are not alone. It is not your fault. You do not need to be ashamed. There is ways to get help. You can get through it and be a survivor instead of a victim. PTSD is real and hard to deal with, it's ok to need help.

Another aspect of abuse is mental and emotional. It frustrates me to no end that it's not a kind of relationship that can be legally stopped. It's one persons word against another. It can't be proven. But it happens. It's harder to get help. Most cases you don't even realize it's happening before its to late. You don't have to go through it alone. You can share what's happening with a friend or other adult. They can walk through it with you even if there isn't a way to get you out of the situation.