She Found Her Wings

Finally the lease was up. I had found the cheapest apartment in town to move into.  My friends helped me move in the snow. When I went back for the last load Sam was there. He wasn't suppose to be there that day. I couldn't hold back the emotions I had been bottling up. I hugged him when I left. Knowing it was our last. He told me he was sorry for everything. I walked out the door and never looked back. 

I don't know why, but after I unpacked everything, I had to go back to the house. I sat on the floor of my empty house and lost control. I don't know how long I just sat there with my dog in my lap crying, at least a few hours. Everything I had worked for and wanted was gone. What was I suppose to do now? How do I move forward after such a terrible blow?

That was a turning point in my life that night. I don't know how to explain what happened as a lay on the floor that night, but something changed. I walked into the empty house that night a broken girl. I had so many questions, so much guilt and self doubt. But when I stood up and drove away to my new life, I was no longer a victim. I was going to survive this. I no longer felt I failed. I no longer blamed myself for his issues. They had nothing to do with me. There will always be questions, things that don't make sense to me which I will never get an explanation. I just have to be ok with that. My marriage might have failed, but I was not a failure. I had gone down swinging, I did everything I could. 

I'm not sure how to write this next part of my story. I got messy. I did not handle things properly or how I should have being a woman or a Christian. Since I am being honest about what he did to me. It is only fair I am honest about how I reacted. I don't agree with everything I thought, felt or did. I'm even embarrassed by how I acted in several situations. That's not the kind of women I am or ever want to be. Before going through it myself I would have probably scratched my head at another woman doing what I did. 

I didn't want a commitment, but I was so lonely. I couldn't trust anyone, but I wanted to have fun. Honestly I needed a distraction from what was going on at home. I had several friends with benefit relationships in the few months following. Someone always ends up with more feelings then the other in that kind of relationship. I experienced both sides of that. I drank a lot. (Nothing unhealthy or irresponsible, but way more than I ever had or ever will again.) I would always stay at my friends when I did, which means I slept at her house all the time. When I was drinking I was able to laugh about my nightmare of a situation. People liked being around "Crazy Christine". I needed to be around people.

Was I cheating on my husband? Maybe in a legal view or in some people's mind. But not to me. Sam did not respect his wedding vows he made. Why should I still live by mine? I was not going to sit at home and cry and be sad and alone for two years waiting on the legal aspect of our relationship to be resolved. He was continuing his lying, stealing and hurting me, why should I continue to fix us? If we had not had a covenant marriage license, we would have already been divorced.

I remember the day after someone else had kissed me for the first time I remember standing across the room crying begging him not to come any closer to me. I was scared of him, not because another guy had kissed me. Because I couldn't keep a secret from him for a day without it eating up up. And I didn't owe him anything. He lied to me for years while telling me he loved me. I was furious. Did he have a conscious?  How could you lie to someone you love for so long? More questions I will never have answers too. 

I often wondered why it was so easy for me to move on so fast. Was it because I didn't love Sam? I don't think so. It was because for so many years I had already been alone emotionally. He wasted years of my life while I tried to build a relationship and marriage with him. Once I realized it was never going to happen, My heart disconnected faster than I ever imagined.

I met a guy at a party. He was a sweetheart with a taste of bad boy rebel. I explained my situation to him when he asked me out. He didn't care and took me out on an incredible first date. We rode his bike out of town to the most fancy steak place I have ever been too. I had never been on a date with someone who I hadn't ever talked to. It was a new exciting experience. We continued hanging out. He was a safe place for me to escape from my reality. I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious and he agreed. He divorced a woman who was a drug addict that beat him almost to death. Once he picked to on the fact I was not safe in my house with Sam, he gave me a key to his house and told me to come an go when I needed to. He didn't want me in my house because he understood what I was going through. Many nights when I was especially anxious I would stay over at his place. He worked nights so he wasn't there much. Even though we had said we were casual, after 7 months it had become more to him. He told me he loved me. I started to feel very guilty. I cared about him so much. He was a great boyfriend and tons of fun, but we wanted different from life. I wanted kids and eventually to be able to go back to church without having a panic attack. He didn't. I realized I was using him. I felt bad for hurting him. It was never my intention. So I broke things off.

I had been in committed relationships non stop since I was 15. I had never played the field, I had never just messed around. I always wondered if I had missed out on some important part of life by settling down so young. I hadn't. Dating and being wild is way over rated. It doesn't bring any joy or fulfillment. Now I never have to wonder. I enjoyed the experience. And so many times when I was married I would wonder about the "what ifs" and felt I missed a big part of life by always being attached to someone. 

I learned valuable things for my healing by each of the relationships. Just because the relationships were meaningless and sometimes silly, doesn't mean the people were not important to me. One showed me that even though I had some dark messed up skeletons on my closet, it would not scare away a real man. One showed me in just the 48 hours we saw each other that men who respect women and treat them like a lady do exist. After that weekend I had hope about my future. Before that weekend I did not believe those kind of men existed outside of the movies. One taught me that running around and having "fun" is the farthest thing from fun. Because of him I found out who my real friends were and who was fake and would believe lies about me he spread.

After a weekend away we came home to an eviction notice on our door. I started digging to find out what happened. I saw the checks exit our bank account. Why did our landlord say they bounced? I asked Sam daily if it was him. I told him if he just fessed up we would work it out. He promised me every day it wasn't him and he was clueless. The landlord said they had a wrong number for me so they couldn't ever get a hold of me. His parents graciously gave our landlord what we owed them. We were allowed to stay. 

Where was my money going? (To this day I still don't know, I never will) I couldn't figure it out. I had the bank looking into it. One day and the manager transferred me to their loss prevention. He said he had been hoping to speak to me alone. He had videos of Sam being the one doing it. He told me to come down to his office and I could see for myself. 

I did. It was devastating. Seeing on video proof that my husband was doing fraud on our accounts in my name. I'm thankful for my friend's husband who took off work to drive me the 40 min to the main fraud office. I wouldn't have been able to do that alone. He took me back to my house to pack my bags. Sam had called on the way asking where I was. I told him I was on my way home from the bank seeing the videos. He still acted like he didn't know what I saw. He still tried to deny it. But I saw the videos. I told him it was over. I was taking my dog and staying with a friend for a few days.

There was no way to get out of the lease. There was no way Sam could move out without being on the streets. So I decided we could be roommates. He moved to the spare room. It was seriously the worst experience ever. It was not healthy for either of us. I spent every waking moment at work or at a friends house. Finally he was able to stay with friends. My anxiety calmed down. I was able to feel some peace and start to heal. Then he had a court date which I knew nothing about. The judge put him on house arrest instead of putting him in jail. I didn't have a choice. He was back and so was my anxiety. 

In high school my dreams and plans of being a professional dancer were crushed by a genetic problem with my feet, I had to have reconstructive surgery. I remember laying in bed recovering for 6 months depressed and lost. What was I suppose to do with my life now? God showed me his plans for me was to be a mom and a wife. No it wasn't going to be as glamorous, but I was excited. Maybe that's why I rushed into marriage. We had trouble getting pregnant when we started trying. Drs said everything looked fine and there was no reason they saw we weren't getting results other then I had been on the pill since I was 13 and it might just take a while. If this is what God has for me, why wasn't it happening? Every month was torture, waiting, hoping, then being crushed. 

Looking back I think maybe I was so obsessed with getting pregnant in hopes that would make Sam connect to me. Maybe if I gave him a child he would let me into his heart.

Finally I was pregnant. But before we even had a chance to get excited, I lost it. In my prayers before and after my miscarriage I kept hearing, "it's your time". If it was my time, why did it only last 6 weeks? I was heart broken. And why was I still hearing that it was "my time" from God even after my baby was gone? I was confused, hurt and angry.

That was one of the things that made my decision easier to divorce Sam. Thinking about raising a family with him. It would be impossible. If I couldn't explain to myself why he was stealing and lying, how could I explain to a kid why their dad was that way? He was hurting me. I had severe anxiety almost to the point I couldn't function in most situations. I couldn't let him hurt our kid that way too. It was not a good environment for me, much less a child. I would have rather been a single mom then stay married and put a kid through the life I was forced to live.

God did not lie to me when he said, "it's your time". I just did not know what He meant until much later. It was time for me to stand up for myself. It wasn't time to raise a child. But I did not see it that way. I was angry with God. I thought God had lied or played a dirty trick. He told me it was my time, then in two months I lost my baby and my marriage. I couldn't pray or think about going to church without getting angry. It took a a long time to realize God was protecting me. 

It's is tough knowing I never got to hold or meet my child. And I will always wonder who that child would be today and always miss that little life. But God was protecting me and the baby. I couldn't raise a kid with him. And if we did have a baby together he would always have some part in my life. Most women who lost a child never understand or get a answer to their question, "why". Even though I have this deep loss and hurt, I can understand it. I was being protected. I am thankful, my child is in heaven never knowing any pain from this world. I look forward to one day being able to hug my little one.

At one point in my life Sam was exactly what I  needed. He taught me about love in the way he treated me when we were dating. Before Sam a lot of my views of what love was very distorted because of experiences while i was growing up. We were a perfect fit in our dreams of what we wanted to do with our lives. I was a hurt scared girl when we met. He helped encourage me and learn to be confident in myself. 

We met when i was in 8th grade. We were both on a missions trip with our youth group. On the plan ride home dad tried to play match maker and changed seats with him so we sat together. He was nice. I didn't think anything more of him at the time. The summer before my senior year Sam was at my house hanging out with my older brother. By the end of the summer we were dating. We were very happy together. We fell in love. We had future plans to do youth ministry together. My freshmen year of college he asked me to marry him. The next March of 2008 we were married.

I remember the moment before my dad walked me down the isle my dad said, "If you don't want to do this you don't have to. I have heard some things about his work ethic." That was the first I had ever heard anything negative about him from my dad. I didn't listen dad loved Sam. Nothing would have changed my mind. I was suppose to marry him, I was crazy in love (or what I thought was love). I wouldn't be where I am or who i am if I didn't. Even if I had the chance to go back in time knowing what I know now, I would  still l do it all again. 

It's been very hard for me to think back and try to remember the good times and why I loved him. When I think of a memory I can't help but wonder what of that was a lie too? When did it really start? We were very happy while we were dating and engaged. And we had many happy times while being married too. A few months before everything blew up the second time I remember telling his mom it was the happiest we have ever been. He had finally after several years made some friends. They were a good group of guys. They would come over and hang out all the time. I loved it. 

I knew he stole from his parents in high-school. It didn't seem like a red flag to me, that's pretty common. On one of my phone conversations with his older brother while I was filing for divorce, I learned that Sam has been writing checks from his bank account while he was dating me. Maybe he always had a problem, and I just didn't know. He meant so much to me. He changed me and was a big influence in my life. I would have done anything for him.  But I can't help but wonder if I meant anything to him? Did I help him in any way? Was I just a silly girl blinded by love? From my point of view it looks like I changed him for the worse. He went from a man going to school and being a youth leader to a criminal who can't keep a job or tell the truth. What did I do? I ruined him. And I have no idea what I did to cause such a dramatic transformation.

I remember feeling after our wedding and Sam moved to Northwest Arkansas with me that something had changed. He was mad all the time. Yelling, Hitting things, I found things that scared me. Whenever I tried to talk to him to figure out what was going on, he would tell me it was all in my head. I developed severe anxiety. I couldn't function in most circumstances. Something was wrong. I had no clue what. I just tried harder to be a better wife. Maybe he was right. It was all in my head. It was probably my fault.

One night he never came home. His cell phone was off. Finally around 1030 I got a call from an unknown number. It was his one phone call. I had to ask him where he was. I had to ask why. He didn't volunteer any information. All I could gather was he was stealing cash from his job because he lied to me about having one. We hung up. I was so confused.

I called his dad because I didn't know what to do. He drove 3.5 hours in the middle of the night to stay with me. (Again, best father in law ever) I remember just laying on the bathroom floor puking out my guts before my father in law arrived. It felt like my heart was trying to come out of my throat. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Why? How? I was a newlywed, this was suppose to be the happiest year of my life. I was broken. There had been something wrong. It wasn't in my head.  The truth was out, it wasn't me. My marriage was filled with lies. I didn't understand? How did he change this much in such a short time? This wasn't who I dated. Did I do something to cause this? It had to be my fault, I had to be doing something wrong.

We sat there waiting for them to release Sam the next afternoon. I felt like it was a dream. A few months before I had worn the prettiest princess dress and danced with my father in law to my favorite song. Now we sat in a jail waiting room after paying his bail. How do you react? I didn't know what to think. My whole body and heart was numb.

Sam walked through the doors. He smiles a smug smile. Looked at his dad and said, "Hey Dad!" I was instantly angry. I don't know what I wanted him to say. But that wasn't it. After an uncomfortably silent drive home, his dad said, "Sam you are my son and I love you. But if you don't get your act together and change you are going to lose everything. If you do it again and Christine doesn't leave you, I'm going to come take you away from her. She doesn't deserve this."

I was shocked. My mind hadn't even thought of leaving him. I don't know what I was thinking, but it wasn't leaving. His parents work for a mission that counsels couples to stay married through hard times. And here his Dad was saying he was going to take him away if he didn't change. I didn't know how to comprehend any of this. 

I ended up telling him we were going to get the help we needed. We were going to work through it. And that if he ever got arrested again, not to bother calling me. I wasn't going to live like this my whole life. We were going to learn from it and become stronger because of it. 

Fast Forward maybe 3 months. I had had ovarian cysts and was having surgery to have them removed. I was highly medicated and couldn't get around well much less drive. Sam went to do his community service. Several hours later his mom called and said she was on her way over. I thought it was odd since she lived 3.5 hours away. I asked what was wrong. Sam was in jail again. Apparently it was a misunderstanding, the police lost records of his community service. He had to finish his hours out in jail. His mom sorted it all out. He was only in for several days, all of which she stayed and took care of me. 

Looking back now I can see that it wasn't a misunderstanding. Most things that seemed crazy or horrible luck that he had I look back now and see how blind and stupid I was. Did the rest of the world see what he was doing and how he was treating me? Or did he have them fooled too? When I think back I can't help by feel like an idiot for not seeing through his lies.

I feel everyone understands that no one is perfect. Everyone is going to fail and hurt even the one they love. Trying to hide that failure is no way to handle it. If he would have just told me the truth about what was going on with our finances. Yes, I would have been furious. But as his wife, how could I help or be apart of our marriage if I was clueless about what was going on? How could I encourage him without knowing what he was going through? I couldn't. I was set up to fail. He thought he was protecting me. But in actuality he was single handedly destroying me and us. I didn't have a clue.

I want to start this post by bragging on my ex in-laws. I don't want anyone to think I dislike them or blame them. Quite the contrary. I adore them. We were very close. They are the best parents I could ever ask for. His mom was my best friend. We had the mother daughter relationship I always wanted. I absolutely loved being apart of their family. I miss every single one of them and still think of them often. I told him all I wanted in the divorce was his family, he could have everything else. If only life worked that way right?. They will always have a place in my heart, and I am forever grateful for everything they ever did for me and every moment I got to be apart of their family. 

When we got married they asked us to get a covenant marriage. I didn't know really what it was. Basically it's a Christian piece of paper saying you can't get divorced. I was 20, I was in love and naive. No way was my marriage going to fail. I didn't even even give it a second thought. 

Covenant marriage legally says, the only way you can get divorced is physical abuse, adultery, felony, or neglect of at least two years. You then have to be separated for two years and go through counseling to try to work through the issues. Seems simple enough. No big deal. That would never happen to me.

(I changed my ex husbands name for him and his family, incase he does change his life. I don't want his past to ruin his chance at a future) 

Sam committed a felony. I went to his court case to support him. I could feel the judge starring at me all morning. Probably trying to figure out who I was since he had a file for every other person in the room. Sam was last, leaving me the only one still sitting. Judge asked who I was, then closed his file and ripped into Sam. He said, "Your wife obviously loves you. If I give you what you deserve you will not be able to do anything but flip burgers the rest of your life and you will never be able to care for her. I'm going to give you a misdemeanor, I better never see you again. You treat her right." He got it reduced to a misdemeanor. What I thought was our greatest blessing turned out to be the knife in my back. 

After the second time he was caught several years later we went to counseling. I drug him there really. The guy told us we needed to go separately. He referred Sam to a Christian financial counselor. And he sent me to one of his women to work through my pain. I loved her. I love counseling. If I could afford it I would go every week! She helped me process a lot of my emotions.  At the end of my sessions, she told me she had written and sent off what she needed to my lawyer after the first week. Basically she knew after the first session I had made up my mind, I knew what I was doing, and it is the right decision. 

But I was still stuck for two more years. His parents fought hard for us. They did everything possible to keep us together and I love them because of that. Seriously the best inlaws a girl could ask for. But I wasn't married to them. I was married to their son. I sat there and watched him say all the right things with his parents. But when we were alone he did nothing. I wanted him to fight for me and for us. But he never did. Fighting for a person who wouldn't fight with me was futile.

Why do we as Christians feel the need to make our marriage look "better" than the rest of the world?  God isn't going to tell all the couples who don't have the 'christian' marriage that their marriage isn't good enough. 

What of other abusive and hurtful relationships not listed in the contract? I don't believe God wants people to get divorced. It is not how he designed marriage. But we live in a fallen world. No one is perfect. I don't think God wants his children to live in unhealthy circumstances. And there are many more ways a person can destroy another without actually physically touching them.

Emotional abuse is the hardest to prove. Because you can't point to the evidence. You can't see it happening until it's to late. I didn't have bruises or broken bones. You can't see my scars by just looking at me. But my spirit and heart were destroyed by the man who was suppose to protect me. Does that mean my pain is not as real as a woman whose husband broke her bones?  It's different, but just as serious. Who are Christians to decide who's sin or pain is worse than others in Gods eyes? 

I understand the reasoning behind the covenant marriage. It's to help people work through their issues and remain married. However, in an abusive situation, I was unable to get out. I was drug through two more years of him hurting me when my heart needed to be set free. 

In the Bible Belt we are raised to believe divorce should never be an option when you are a Christian. You work out whatever issues come up. My parents said all the time they would never even mention the "d" word. It's not an option. That was how I was raised. How can you love Jesus and want to divorce your husband at the same time?

I was hurt. My husband had been lying to me for basically our whole marriage. Him getting arrested and having most of our future ruined was not enough of a wake up call for him.  After years of struggling to connect with him and have him let me into his life, I had finally felt peace that divorce was the decision. I assumed everyone thought I was wrong and wanted to change my mind. 

The church I belonged to and love was a long drive. I was hurting. I was angry. I felt like I would be judged. But in all honesty, only a couple of the people there even had a clue what was going on. So many mornings I got up to go, and as I was walking to the door I would get so angry I would have a panic attack. Eventually I just quit trying.

I have thought back on my conversations with those who knew the intimate details of my marriage and what I had been going through. Not one of them told me I was wrong. In fact everyone I really let know all the details was strongly encouraging me to run as fast as I can. 

Why did I feel like I wasn't allowed to pray or go to church? It was all in my head. During that time I physically hurt because of how broken my heart was. I was lonely, I thought no one understood, and they all judged me. It that wasn't the case. I isolated myself from my friends, my church family and my God because I was ashamed at what my life had turned into. I was the one judging me, not anyone else. I willingly did the one thing that I wasn't suppose to ever consider. Though I had no control over any of it, I blamed myself for it all.  

In my thoughts of wanting to help other people in my situation I tried to think of what I would have benefited from. Honestly nothing would have made it any easier. It was a tough road I had no choice but to go down it. But knowing that I was not the only one would have made me feel much less like a failure. So I felt compelled to write down and share my story. I don't know why. I don't know how. But it's not to hurt anyone or make anyone look bad. It's to share my feelings, failures and experiences.