When I was a kid I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a professional dancer. I had the teachers behind me telling me I could do it. My life was planned in my head. But when I developed juvenile bunions that all changed. My Dr said I had to stop dancing. I refused. All dancers had feet problems and pain. It came with the territory. I lived with it for years just lots of pain pills. (With the Drs directions) Then one summer at dance camp I realized my bunions had gotten so bad I couldn't even do a single turn. The youngest kids there were doing triples and crazy stuff and my balance was so off from my deformed feet I couldn't do the simplest thing without falling out of it. It was humiliating and heart breaking. I could handle the pain, I'm tough. But you can't fake balance.
I laid in bed for about 6 months mad at the world while I recovered from two reconstructive surgeries. I struggled with God. I had these plans, what was I going to do now. I didn't have a clue. I had no purpose or reason to live. Eventually I got a strong feeling of peace and clarity that could only be from God. The purpose for my life is to be a mother and to help with the youth in some sort of way.
That was good and all. But it doesn't give me a direction to work towards career wise. Being a mom doesn't pay the bills. You don't go to school to learn to hang out with teenagers. I was homeschooled. Honestly the only good thing I can say about homeschooling is I got to work full time through high school. It was a horrible experience for me. So when I got to college to get my useless degree I was so unprepared I drowned. I had no preparation or idea what I was doing. I have a great brain. I know I am not stupid, but I can't do anything scholarly because I had never had any experience or training. So after one year I dropped out. I didn't really want to, but there was no way I could have completed it.
I got married to Sam the next year. I had a job. We had plans. I wanted to have two kids by the time I turned 30. Sam and I would be celebrating our 10 year anniversary now. And we would be youth pastors somewhere. God had told me I was going to be a mother. But we couldn't get pregnant. Then you know the rest of the story. Miscarriage and a nasty divorce.
Well I’m turning 30 tomorrow and none of what I had pictured for my life happened. I was divorced by the time I turned 25. Most people at that age are just getting married and I was getting divorced. That “picture perfect” life I had pictured for myself didn’t happen. And I am so thankful for that. That life would have looked beautiful on the outside. But I would have felt dead and lonely. Instead I have a messy looking life. But it is real and exactly what I never knew I wanted. My messy life I now have is more beautiful than any fairytale I could ever have dreamed up.
Instead I have a real life relationship with Jason. One I never have to doubt. We have had huge fights. And sometimes we are the worst communicators. The other night we accidentally woke Peyton up with our fighting. After we finished our ‘discussion’ Jason said we needed to go in and talk to Peyton. He took the lead and told Peyton everything was ok. He explained to her that mommy and daddy sometimes fight, and apologized to her and me. And that we will always love each other. Peyton crossed her arms and said to him, “You made my mommy cry. You need to be nice to her. It’s ok mommy, I told him to be nice to you.” How we did not bust out laughing I don’t know. It didn’t matter that I was the one who might have been wrong, and may have overreacted. I totally won the “discussion” because of Peyton’s reaction.
We got to go out last night without a kid. The first time in what seemed like forever. We got to take off our parent hats and just be complete goofballs. I texted my friends that I had forgotten how hilarious my husband could be. My life might not be the fairytale my 12 year old self pictured. But I won’t change where I am for the world. I’m excited to see what the next 30 years brings on.
- 1:34 PM
- 0 Comments
