She Found Her Wings

I started reading romance novels. (Not because I wanted to, because those are the books that are free on iBooks)  It's so easy to hold when I rock Peyton to sleep or on breaks at work. I always have my phone. I don't always carry books around. Everyone has got crazy annoying on social media with their politics, religion and selling things. I couldn't stand it anymore. 

I remember growing up being taught romance novels were bad. "Christians shouldn't read those". Their argument being it gives girls unrealistic expectations of men. I understand the point of view because I was raised in the conservative Christian bubble. But truthfully I think it's a bit silly. High expectations are good, as long as you understand no man will be live up to them. If we taught young adults to expect the best, but know there will be failures. I think less young women would settle for the first guy who gives them attention. Instead they would actually wait for the guy who is going to treat them with respect. When you grow up hearing fairy tales and love stories are not real life, you don't wait for true love. You take what you get.

After I left my husband I mentioned a had several flings. My best friend got a new boyfriend she wanted me to meet. I have known her since 3rd grade we knew each other through all of our boy stages. I have never seen her more happy and alive. She was more Nancy then I had ever seen her. We had dinner together and had a fabulous time. I could tell in the first few minutes of meeting Stoney they had one of those once in a life time loves. I can't put my finger on what it was, but I knew he was the real deal. After dinner he decided it was time for them to set me up with one of his friends. We all went bowling and the guys planned a weekend on the lake. We texted the few weeks leading up to our planned weekend (I lived out of town). Him and I both knew nothing would ever happen between us, we were just two people hanging out with mutual friends. I  can't put my finger on it exactly but in the way he treated me that weekend I knew that true love was out there somewhere for me. I did not have an ounce of hope there was a man who could be my knight in shinning armor until that weekend. He was out there somewhere, I wasn't going to ever settle again.

I enjoy getting lost in romantic stories. I believe with all my heart that Jason is my soul mate and one true love. Every time I see him my heart smiles and I get warm fussy feelings and butterfly's described in cheesy romance books. (Those feelings I was taught as a kid aren't real). I love that we work in the same place, every time I walk past him my heart smiles. When I just hear his voice over the intercom I can't help but relax at the sound of his voice. Is our story of how we met was crazy controversial and weird. But it was our's and looking back it is perfect. I can't imagine how it could have been better. I remember talking to Nancy on the phone really soon after Jason and I got together. I told her, "I found my Stoney." 

If I could tell young adults anything. It would be to wait for the real deal. If you have any doubts if it's real or just convenient. Wait.

At one point in my life Sam was exactly what I  needed. He taught me about love in the way he treated me when we were dating. Before Sam a lot of my views of what love was very distorted because of experiences while i was growing up. We were a perfect fit in our dreams of what we wanted to do with our lives. I was a hurt scared girl when we met. He helped encourage me and learn to be confident in myself. 

We met when i was in 8th grade. We were both on a missions trip with our youth group. On the plan ride home dad tried to play match maker and changed seats with him so we sat together. He was nice. I didn't think anything more of him at the time. The summer before my senior year Sam was at my house hanging out with my older brother. By the end of the summer we were dating. We were very happy together. We fell in love. We had future plans to do youth ministry together. My freshmen year of college he asked me to marry him. The next March of 2008 we were married.

I remember the moment before my dad walked me down the isle my dad said, "If you don't want to do this you don't have to. I have heard some things about his work ethic." That was the first I had ever heard anything negative about him from my dad. I didn't listen dad loved Sam. Nothing would have changed my mind. I was suppose to marry him, I was crazy in love (or what I thought was love). I wouldn't be where I am or who i am if I didn't. Even if I had the chance to go back in time knowing what I know now, I would  still l do it all again. 

It's been very hard for me to think back and try to remember the good times and why I loved him. When I think of a memory I can't help but wonder what of that was a lie too? When did it really start? We were very happy while we were dating and engaged. And we had many happy times while being married too. A few months before everything blew up the second time I remember telling his mom it was the happiest we have ever been. He had finally after several years made some friends. They were a good group of guys. They would come over and hang out all the time. I loved it. 

I knew he stole from his parents in high-school. It didn't seem like a red flag to me, that's pretty common. On one of my phone conversations with his older brother while I was filing for divorce, I learned that Sam has been writing checks from his bank account while he was dating me. Maybe he always had a problem, and I just didn't know. He meant so much to me. He changed me and was a big influence in my life. I would have done anything for him.  But I can't help but wonder if I meant anything to him? Did I help him in any way? Was I just a silly girl blinded by love? From my point of view it looks like I changed him for the worse. He went from a man going to school and being a youth leader to a criminal who can't keep a job or tell the truth. What did I do? I ruined him. And I have no idea what I did to cause such a dramatic transformation.