She Found Her Wings

I have struggled hard with this post. I'm not sure how much is to much to share because I want this blog to be completely anonymous. It's not about hurting someone else's reputation, but about sharing my experiences in hopes others who are hurting alone will talk to someone and get the help they need. I have been working on this one for so long, but I keep rewriting and changing it. Then I decide not to even post it at all. But I have talked to a struggling friend, I know I have to post. So sorry, for the length, and the ugly personal details. I hope my point comes across. It's my soapbox I get passionate about and ramble. 

Good people sometimes do bad things, it doesn't make them a bad person. Sometimes they might not even realize what they said or did is so wrong. I have been abused by multiple people. Maybe they knew what they were doing. But few I honestly believe they did not realize what they were doing was wrong. Everyone responds to abuse differently. I learned to disassociate myself with it. My mind would shut down and I wouldn't be there mentally. Honestly it was only when I was married and starting to have sex with Sam did I have flashbacks and even remember I was abused as a young child. 

I had this friend through preteen years who knew most of the struggles I was going through at home and how it affected me. Eventually he became my boyfriend. We told each other we loved each other. For two clueless teenagers, I believe we did love each other for the age we were. I was 16 when we had our first kiss. You can imagine what happened when you put a broken insecure girl, the deepness of our friendship, and teenage boy going through puberty. While he never forced himself on me. He never seemed to hear when I tried to tell him about how I did not like what we were doing. So I quit trying to fight him. My mind would disengage like it had trained itself to do during my childhood abuse. So wether he realized he was able to manipulate me because he knew what my insecurities were or not. (Which I don't believe he had a clue.) It doesn't matter. It happened. I lost valuable pieces of myself wasn't ready to give away.

A year after I got married my childhood abuser, drove many hours just to take me to breakfast and apologized for everything that happened. He didn't have to do this. He changed and took responsibility for his actions. Does it change what he did? Nope. But I will tell you what it did do. It made it easier for me to heal. Forgiving was easier. Which in turn made working though the issues with my counselor easier. The damage was done, the scars and issues are there that I will always deal with. I did not really respond when he apologized, I was shocked. I wasn't prepared for that. Honestly I had only recently begun to remember the abuse and at the beginning stages of working through it. I know how rare and fortunate I am to have gotten a sincere apology. But it was very much appreciated no matter how awkward it was.

I had to share a house with Sam for a year after I filed for divorce. You can only imaging the struggles involved in that. I still loved him but I was crushed by the life he was living, but I was determined to leave him because he did not love me. It was really a huge emotional mess. I did not understand how dangerous and unhealthy it was for me to stay in that house with him until I was out. I only stayed because I had no other options. Looking back, I would have done that whole situation differently. It got to the point I was locking my door at night to keep myself safe. My boss kept telling me to go to the women's shelter. But I didn't feel my life was that bad. If you are going through a divorce, it might be humiliating to have to ask a friend or family member if you can mooch off them for a while. But I promise, you need that separation.

When I started dating the guy I saw during my divorce, I was clear up front I could not do anything serious. He realized what was going on at my house and gave me his key so I had a safe place to go. He worked overnight shifts and was opposite my schedule.  As time went on I heard so many times from him, "we are adults. People are assuming we are doing it since you basically live here". Or my personal favorite, "you are my girlfriend, there are certain responsibilities you have". (Oh no he didn't!) I broke up with him. After several weeks he apologized and we started seeing each other again. Things were fine for awhile, then it wasn't fine. I don't think the he knew what he was really saying. Those statements were true, and it's how our culture thinks. But that didn't mean I was ready for that or that it made it ok for him to think that way. I don't for a second think he was a bad guy, it is just how our world functions these day. 

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do!! (Except pay your bills and clean up after yourself, sorry) I'm not saying that there will be times you just are "not in the mood", and you suck it up and do it. (Also, has anyone ever regretted getting in the mood?) Don't let anyone guilt or manipulate you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable! You don't owe anyone anything. Wether he is your boyfriend, husband or random person, I don't care if you are a grown adult and everyone else is doing it, if you don't want to do it. Don't do it. And don't stand for anyone making you feel bad about that decision. Someone using your insecurities against you to get what they want is wrong.

Guys feel their needs need to be met no matter the cost to anyone else. I have heard stories where guys are confronted by someone about taking advantage of a girl they didn't even realize there was a problem. Or like the famous Brock Turner's dad didn't want his son's future to be ruined for his 10 min of fun. I get so hot and mad when I hear stories like this because I am the other side. Girls don't have confidence or strength to say no more clearly than they already did. Or they did say no and the guy doesn't care about anything other than his desires. I personally know how Brock Turner might have only had 10 min of fun, But that poor girl will never forget, it will affect every moment of the rest of her life. 

I am ashamed of my generation for many reasons. How can we make this better for the next generation? I believe it starts at home with our kids when they are babies. Growing up I did not have a healthy love life modeled for me as I grew up. I did not have encouragement build into me to give me self confidence.  On the other hand, we need to teach our kids to respect other people and their boundaries while being sensitive to other people's comfort. No one owes them anything. I'm not a parenting expert. I don't know how to go about doing this. But I know it is a huge problem I don't want passed onto the next generation, my generation has done enough damage.

Most people don't realize they are in abusive relationships. Or they don't want to admit it because once a person admits it, then they need to do something about it. I'm not a professional therapist. I'm just a girl who has been through it (not just with my ex husband, but other people in my life as well) and I have a heart for those hurting in this way. Sometimes I hear people mention little things about their relationship to me. I wonder if it is a cry for help or if they are just talking. It's hard to walk up to someone and ask them if they need help if you aren't 100% sure. Either they wouldn't know what you are talking about, or they will get mad and defensive. People don't like talking about it. So if you know me and ever want to talk about it, please do. I would love to grab a coffee and listen. I complied a list of signs from my life, and from all my reading and studying other smarter people's opinions. 

-You have communication problems. Your feelings are never heard. It's always about them. Do you completely avoid topics? Do you spend more time figuring out how to word something than actually having the conversation?

-You make excuses for them about the way they treat you. All relationships have times when one is going through a difficult or stressful time. At that time yes the other partner might not be on their best behavior towards those closest to them. But stress at work, family or friends should never be an excuse to tear down your partner. There is a huge difference between discussing a issue your partner has in order to help them be better, and tearing them apart for every little thing.

-Between the times they are tearing you down are they overly nice to you? It's confusing. One day they can be screaming and hate you. But the next it's overly sweet and romantic. 

-They never admit they have a problem. The way you feel is always your fault. Sometimes the way they treat you is so minor it's hard to verbalized without feeling like you are being petty, so it's easy to believe you are the issue. 

-They won't see a therapist with you, or they fake who they are for the therapist. It's very normal to have issues. Needing some therapy or a third party to talk with is not a bad thing. It's a huge red flag if your partner will not go to counseling with you. Your partner should be willing to work on whatever needs to be worked on for a successful marriage. If one is unhappy, the other should be willing to figure out why and how to help.

-You constantly feel you are walking on eggshells. If you say or do one slightly 'wrong' thing it will cause a war. They will manipulate anything you say against you. Basically no matter how hard you try, there will be a fight and nothing you say will ever be right.

-They are obsessed with control. They have to get their way and run every aspect of both m your lives. If they are not getting their way, they make everyone around them miserable.

-They have no empathy, for you or your feelings or anyone else's. The only thing that matters is how they feel. And if you are the one with a crisis in your life, they will somehow turn it around to their crisis. You will then be comforting and taking care of them when you are the one needing comfort.

-There is a 'dark cloud' over you too. When people are around you they can feel the tension. They don't like it, so most people avoid both of you. Normally people close to you can more objectively see there is a problem before the ones involved because their emotions aren't tied to it. It's hard to tell someone you love you think they are being abused. It's easier to pull away from that person then have a hard conversation that might be taken badly.

-Is your relationship 50/50? Common marriage advice is that marriages are 100/100. When one person is having a issue (like a sickness or loss of a job) the other should pick up the slack. Get a job, do more around the house. Because in life pretty sure eventually the tables will turn and your partner will pick up your slack when you are sick or out of work. In a healthy marriage both work hard to do everything for the other. But if your partner doesn't put in their half, but they expect you to put in not just your half, but their half too. An abusive relationship is more like 100/0.  

If you feel these describe your relationship. You need help. Your partner needs help. However if they will not admit it and refusing help. There is nothing you can do. It's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve them to treat you this way. You have probably spend many years convincing yourself that it is normal. Many people believe because they married them means they have to stay married and deal with it. Each person has to get to the point where they feel leaving is right. People can tell them that they need to leave. But if they didn't make that decision for themselves, they will end up taking them back. I know, as someone who lived with an abusive person for years it's not easy. There will be some hard months after you've made the decision and leave. But there is a great deal of real joy and freedom you will experience after freeing yourself from the chains of an abusive relationship.