She Found Her Wings

I grew up in the homeschool Christian bubble. I fought the bubble and the views of that crowd. I saw many different parenting views from one extreme to the other as I grew up I saw what happens when the kids become adults.I have therefore formed opinions, and ideas of how I think is best. However,I have only been a parent for 14 months. I'm not an expert. I am scared to death we are going to screw up our daughter.

I heard a man speaking about how domestic violence is a men's issue, not a women's problem. We raise boys to believe girls are inferior. Saying things like, "toughen up", "you throw like a girl" teaches boys are better than girls. Boys are discouraged from showing emotion or crying when they are younger, they are only allowed to get angry. The mindset of men who attack and abuse women starts when they are little. We need to teach our sons to appreciate the femininity of girls, and respect their point of view from a young age. If we don't teach our sons how to respect girls, who will? 

On the flip side we need to teach our daughters that they are precious and show them how they should be treated. If they aren't taught when they are little and developing how they should be treated, they will not have good standards of how their boyfriends should be treating them. 

The recent cheating site hack that exposed a conservative Christian celeb has been all over social media. A woman posted her response on Facebook and it blew up. I have never read something I agree with as much as her post. I couldn't find the post when I went back to look for it. Her line, "I will raise my daughters to believe she breathes fire" has really stuck with me. 

In her post she's basically explains why this celebrities wife will never divorce her lying cheating husband. She has no education, no experience and was raised to believe she is inferior to her husband. She believes it's her job to stand by her husband quietly and take care of his house and kids with no opinions. That's all she knows, it's how she was raised. When she should be taking her kids and running from him, she can't. She believes him cheating was her fault. Her family, her friends, and her faith will shun her for divorcing him, not him for having multiple affairs. When problems arise it's the women's fault never the mans. My heart breaks for her. Where in the Bible does it show this is how marriage and women should be treated? Where does it show to treat girls as they are not valuable? 

I don't think women are more important as men. We are equally important and valuable. In my marriage, Jason values me and my opinions just as much as I value his. It's an equal partnership. When Christian men quote  "wives submit to your husband". They fail to keep reading the rest of the chapter where if goes into length about how a man should love and cherish his wife. When he treats her with love and honor, he will have earned her respect. If a woman submits to a man who doesn't respect her opinion and feelings, it's a breeding ground for an abusive situation.

My sister started her first real relationship over the summer. I love new exciting love. I'm so excited for my sister. She had some concerns. We stayed up most of the night talking about relationships and boys. Girl talk and giggles all night long is something I love, and talking about boys is even more fun.  New love is exciting and fun, but also scary and risky.

If there is someone who seems to be everything you could want in a spouse, but you don't have the romantic feelings for, give it a chance to see if the passion grows. Most relationships that just start off with intense passion without a foundation of something substantial, fizzle out and don't last. (Not saying they don't work out, Jason and I started off as a passionate whirlwind.) My sister in law said when my brother asked her out she didn't have a single reason to tell him no, and as their relationship grew and got to know each other, so did their romantic feelings and passion. It was the other end of the spectrum with Jason and I. We both knew at first sight we wanted forever with each other and all the feelings were there from the beginning.

Two completely different ways to fall in love. Does that mean one way is more correct than the other? No. Does one of our relationships have more love than the other? Nope. Some people have a defining moment when they know for a fact they fall in love. Others slowly realize it over time. It seems to my people fall in love the opposite of how they will expect it to happen. The real thing will challenge every view and expectation you ever had a lot love.

It is scary to have a friendship that you might lose if something goes south romantically. But counter to that, it could be the best thing to ever happen to you. What if you try to make something work with someone who seems interesting, but it doesn't work out. It seems conservative Christians value marrying the first person you date. It's special if it works out that way, but, that's not always good. Breaking up with a boyfriend is way easier then trying to force a relationship with a person you never should marry in the first place. Don't be afraid to break off a relationship if it's not right. Relationships will always be a risk and scary. No risk=no reward.

In my first marriage we never fought. I see now it's because Sam did not have convictions, not because we were the 'perfect' couple. When it came to how things were done everything was always done my way. Sometimes I wish Jason didn't care about things so much or have so many opinions so I can do things my way. Then I remember how great it is that I have a man that cares about the small details as well as the big issues. I'll take fighting with a man who has strong opinions but works hard to achieve our goals then a man who does it my way but doesn't work for it.

I fail. Jason fails. We both fail. However that never changes our our feelings and commitment to each other or our relationship. After one of our fights and ignoring the other for a day. I said, "still love me?" He said, "Yes, know how I know? Because no one could make me as angry as you can." Maybe I'm nuts. But that's one of the sweetest things ever to me.

I had to have my best friend come be a witness to verify everything I said was true. Jason also had to come say he was claiming Peyton as his, and he would accept all financial responsibility for her. I hated asking a friend to help me. It's not the kind of thing you sign up to do as a friend. Especially after everything she had already done for me. I was also mad Jason had to come. He had to sit there through my case, then claim Peyton's financial responsibility. No one could ever think Jason would run out on his child, but I had to get him to legally claim Peyton in order to get my divorced finalized. 

(Side note: There are so many single moms doing it alone with out emotional or financial support from a man claiming the children. Why can't a women get divorced when she is pregnant with the excuse of someone needs to claim the baby?)

We all had arrived, we sat and waited. I had no idea if Sam would show up. I knew he knew when and where. What would happen if he did show? We were all sworn in and still no sign of him. I was relieved, but still nervous he might arrive late. Luckily for me we were the only case that day so there wasn't an audience. When I was called to the stand and answered his basic questions I wanted to interrupt and scream. I wanted to explain to the judge that it wasn't my fault. I was a victim, I wanted to tell him everything Sam had done while we were married. But I was only allowed to answer yes or no. So the judge, police officers, and the girl taking notes all saw a 8 month pregnant woman get on the stand and divorce her absent husband while another man claimed the child.

I was embarrassed. These people didn't know the story. They didn't know why. They didn't know the details of what he had put me through and how he had shattered my heart. It wasn't my fault I had found my soulmate during those two years and we were so ecstatic to finally have a child and life we both had wanted for years.

After we all were on the stand and questioned the judge looked at me and said. "I'm going to grant you your divorce. Good luck." He has so much sarcasm in his voice when he told me good luck. I was angry. I didn't need luck, but I know how it looked to him.  Jason told me he probably didn't think anything of me. That he sat there all day long divorcing people, so he was really cynical about relationships.

I didn't shed a tear that day. I wasn't sad. I hadn't been married to Sam for two years. Nothing changed in the way I felt about him or viewed our relationship because nothing had changed. Instead I was relieved. I had never felt more free and relaxed in my entire life. All the weight in the world was finally off my shoulders. 

Jason and I literally walked across the street from the court house to the office to apply for our marriage license right after that. We laugh about the strangeness of it often. Jason wanted to ask the guy who sold us out license how many couples had just come from divorce court. I told him not to make more strangers judge us.

I grew up abused sexually and mentally. I don't say this to accuse or try to hurt my abusers. No, I won't mention any names or any details that would tie back to them. I promise whoever you are thinking, you are wrong. I'm not writing for revenge or to hurt other people. I write this to help others in similar situations. Or people who don't have a clue and don't understand why some people act the way they do. I read so many self help books but none of them ever helped me. So I feel the need to share my process. 

Through my traumatic experiences I had taught my mind to shut down and block out what was happening. I got very good at it. So good that most of those moments I did not remember until I was married and I started having flash backs.  Before then I honestly had no memory of what happened until something would feel 'similar'. The memories came flooding back and I had severe panic attacks. I was to remember what happened and learn to deal with it.  Even this week I remembered an event that I had repressed. 

Sex was excruciatingly painful. I knew the first time was suppose to hurt and be uncomfortable. But it never got better. When I mentioned to my Dr it wasn't possible, she sent me to sex physical therapy. It took several months for me to get up the nerve to go. But I'm glad I did. I'll spare the details, but if you are having these issues ask your doctor. The first question the therapist asked was if I was abused. She said most of her patients are sexual abuse victims. They build up scar tissue that won't stretch like its suppose too. This can happen even to girls who were never touched inside. 

Sex was physically possible after I finished the therapy. I didnt just not enjoy it, I hated it. I still had panic attacks. We had figured out how to just get it done to try for a baby. We thought that once I had a baby it would fix itself (because of things the dr had told me about my issue). Looking back It seems I knew something was still very wrong with my marriage. Even if I couldn't put my finger on what it was. My mind was still in survival mode and shutting down to protect myself.

I felt Sam just gave up. He acted like he did not care we had a sexless marriage. Looking back he probably didn't want to push me to open up to him when he was hiding so much from me. After we split up I told myself I wouldn't marry again unless we had worked through my sex issue together. I didn't want another relationship that lacked sex. It's a very important aspect of a relationship. I needed a man who was willing to encourage and push me through to help me learn sex is a good thing. If the whole world is obsessed with sex it had to be a good thing. I wanted it. 

Jason was that man. He didn't understand even though he tried. He would get frustrated and mad. But that's ok, cause I would get just as mad and frustrated. We did not just brush it under the rug. We worked hard on it and talked it to death. It didn't take as long as I thought it would. My mind still reverts back and remembers things I had repressed and I shut down. Jason is not a man I need to protect myself from. I refuse to be with Jason when my mind is shutting down, I want to be present with him in the moment, I don't need to fear him. One thing he would always say to me when I was panicking, "it's just you and me" he would talk to me so all I would hear was his voice and could focus on him. When we got our promise rings that engraved on the inside of his. My panic attacks get fewer and father between the longer we are together. 

Sexual abuse is real. It's tough. There is much more to it than the actually act being raped. If you have never been abused in that way you can't fully understand how it impacts every aspect of your life, not just the physical. The statistics are high, most people have been abused in some way. So you are not alone. It is not your fault. You do not need to be ashamed. There is ways to get help. You can get through it and be a survivor instead of a victim. PTSD is real and hard to deal with, it's ok to need help.

Another aspect of abuse is mental and emotional. It frustrates me to no end that it's not a kind of relationship that can be legally stopped. It's one persons word against another. It can't be proven. But it happens. It's harder to get help. Most cases you don't even realize it's happening before its to late. You don't have to go through it alone. You can share what's happening with a friend or other adult. They can walk through it with you even if there isn't a way to get you out of the situation. 

Because Sam and I signed a covenant marriage license I couldn't divorce him when I wanted to. There was stipulations. We had to be separated for two years. We had to go to counseling. All because he didn't hit me or have sex with someone else.

My lawyer asked me every time we talked if I had any reason to believe Sam was cheating on me. He said every time he sees a situation like mine, there is no way Sam was faithful to me. I had no reason to think that. If I knew what I knew now, I would have dug deeper.  But I was tired of searching for answers. Tired of looking for things that would break my heart more. 

I did everything I needed to do. I had my counseling done. (He never showed up for his part.) We couldn't live separately because the judge put him under house arrest in my home because that was his legal address. My lawyer said it was not be a problem. Fast forward a year I had gone through the toughest part of grieving process. I had everything done with my lawyer, i just had to wait until it has been two years. I dealt it all the best way I could. 

Sam signed the divorce papers. I was pregnant but wasn't sure if he knew. I wore a jacket. Not because I wanted to hide Peyton, but this was not the place he needed to find out if he hadn't already heard through the grapevine. Jason came for my protection, with all the drama and hateful things Sam had said and done, Jason wasn't letting me and his baby be alone with him. He sat in the car and waited while we went in and had everything notarized just in case I needed him. No problems.

Fast forward a few months and my lawyer forgot I was pregnant so we needed different papers. The judge would not grant a pregnant woman a divorce without someone to claim my child. No problem. Except for the fact Sam had moved out of town to live with his parents. I had to get my brothers to take it to him to get notarized. He did, but he printed it on cartoon paper. My lawyer obviously couldn't use that. When I told Sam to try again, he tried to fight me. He said we never did counseling  (he never showed up). That it hadn't been two years. (I counted from the day I found out. Legally I could have said it was the last time we had sex and moved the date way up.) I very firmly told him that he had already signed all the divorce papers. This new paper just said that he was not the father of my child. So if he didn't sign it, the judge would make him pay child support. 

He signed the papers that day. Everything was ready. I had been ready for two years. I just had a few more days to wait.