She Found Her Wings

My relationship with Jason started out as one continuous high. Everything was going so great for us. The connection we have together was overwhelming. We kept telling each other we felt things were going too unrealistically good for us. We both kept waiting for the blow of reality to knock us down. It never came.

We fell in love, got pregnant, got married, had Peyton, bought a car and a house, all in a years time.  All wonderful big good things. We had regular people struggles, but nothing tragic. As much as my Drs said I had a perfect pregnancy medically I was sick and crazy the whole time. Then on top of all that I had severe postpartum depression. 

In that short time with all the adjustments we had Jason and I fell into a period where we would go days without seeing each other. We worked opposite hours so Peyton was only at the sitters for 4 hours a day. It was tough never seeing each other. But we became a well oiled machine. When we did get a chance to talk it was about Peyton and how things were going with her. It was tough for us, going days at a time without being able to connect. 

When Peyton turned a year it seemed everything got so much easier over night. I don't know if it was we started a daycare and now work the same hours or if she just isn't an infant anymore. Maybe we just finally figured it out. But life seemed to slow down. I feel we have had more time for just Jason and I in the last two months then we had the whole year before that. 

All relationships go through periods of time like that. The business of life gets in the way of relationships. Nothing happened, it just slowly crept up on us. I'm not saying Jason and I fell out of love or didn't have any connection. Fairy tales do last forever. But sometimes it doesn't always feel like a fairy tale if you work for it.

I was in a wedding this weekend. One thing the officiant said was "Marriage entangled your families for life, no matter what happens your will always be connected."

My mind went back to my first marriage. I have no reason to ever come into contact with him. We didn't have kids to co-parent together. It was a clean break. I keep up with two of Sam's family members on social media now that it's been a few years. I didn't think what the officiant said could be true. But then when I thought about it. Our families are still connected even if we aren't. They still live in the same town and their paths cross regularly. As much as I wish my brothers or dad would beat the crap out of him, everyone is thankfully friendly.

I removed them all from social media when it first happened. I was going through intense pain. And seeing them post things about the happy things that they were doing together made it all even harder. The one family I actually felt I belonged to, I chose to walk away. I was no longer apart. Sometimes I wonder if It would be inappropriate to reach out now. None of them reached out to me once I had made my decision. But I can't blame them. It was a difficult awkward situation. I walked away from all of them, even if it wasn't my choice. Now that the healing has taken place I wonder how they are all doing. There are now several new babies, a new marriage and who knows what else. I miss his family. Every single one of them. 

Lots of places or things will remind me of memories I had with them. It happens all the time. It always brings a sad smile to my face. Great memories, sad it's over. In fact right across the street from where this wedding took place was where Sam's little brother got married. Seeing it brought back many happy memories of my old family. That was one of the last happy "night outs" me and Sam had before I found out the truth a couple months later at his other brothers wedding. 

Do I have these feelings about Sam? Not one, only about his family. I feel I should have some kind of nostalgia towards the guy I was in love with for 8 years, but I don't. I can honestly say I feel nothing when I think of him. The only time I wonder what he is up to, is when I get phone calls from law enforcement or lawyers looking for him. (Turns out he is giving my number to people he owes.) I just say, "I'm the ex wife. Stop calling me."  They apologize. Then someone different starts looking for him a few weeks later. Maybe if I knew he had turned his life around I would feel the happy sadness looking back on our time together that I feel for his family. But knowing he hasn't changed one bit, I don't have those feelings for him. I don't feel connected to him one bit. 

So yes. What the officiant said this weekend was true. Yes, marriage connects families forever. No matter what happens. The silliest things will always remind me of my old family. I will always be connected to them even if it's just in my head. I might not be apart of their family, but that doesn't mean I didn't take things from them. Their parenting style, their life choices, their beliefs, how they ran their home and loved their kids. They will never know me or my family now, but they will have a impact on how I build mine. 

I started this blog because I couldn't get the thought of it off my mind after reading this woman's blog. http://www.themomentswestand.com/ I stumbled across it one evening. I read every post from the beginning two nights in a row and bawled my eyes out. I didn't sleep for two days because I couldn't put it down. How this woman has turned her tragic story into a ministry is an inspiration. Her husband and father of their 5 kids was murdered by the guy married to the woman he was having an affair with. Now she travels not only sharing her story and pain, but sharing about God. I strongly suggest reading her story. She is a wonderful writer and woman. The way she ties her faith into her story is something I wish I could do. Check her out.

With well over 3000 views in just a few months I never would have expected so much interest or support in my story or opinions. The messages I have received, and the people who have thanked me for writing and shared parts of their stories with me have really blown my mind. I'm running out of story. I can only share my opinions so many times before it becomes redundant. I could go into more detail about things, but how much is to much information? I could go into all the things that happened when I was growing up, but it would probably offend some people who don't understand how their actions affected me. So where do I go from here?

I have thought about asking some other people who have been through similar situations to share their stories as well. I don't really know where I'm going to go with this. I'm now flying by the seat of my pants. I know lots of women have things to share. Most people are very private and not as open as I am. Who knows what will happen. My heart and mind is open to any possibility. So please stick with me if my posting doesn't happen as often.

Before my divorce I was a 'real' Christian. I read my Bible regularly and prayed a lot. I cared and made an effort. It was something I was passionate about and a huge priority in my life. Leadership and ministry was something I always had some part in wherever I was. When my divorce started happening I might not have  fallen away from my faith, but I fell away from the church and my personal relationship with God.

I mentioned previously my panic attacks when I would try to head to church. And my feelings that everyone was judging me. Reading my Bible frustrated me to no end because there wasn't anything about what I was going through. It felt so impersonal. I wanted to read something about an abusive husband and read exactly what God wanted me to do. I heard God in my prayers speak to me and give me peace. But I wanted something tangible to prove divorcing my husband was ok so others would believe me. I was very angry in my pain. After I got over my anger I had no desire to be a Christian. I didn't care. I felt all Christians were fake. I realized recently why I felt that. I have had multiple experiences when I have tried to be real and vulnerable at church, I was told to keep quiet. 

*When I was in Jr high at church I tried to share with my small group leader about some hard things I was dealing with. She responded with, "I know your grandfather. Your family is perfect." I don't care how wonderful and amazing my grandparents are, no family is perfect. 

*When I was working at a summer camp after my senior year of high school and the director found out I had moved out of my parents house. He told me I was wrong and he probably wouldn't hire me full time the next year because of it. He never asked me why I moved out. (10 years later, I still without a shadow of a doubt know I wasn't wrong)

*I was leading a small group of freshman in college. One of our lessons was on God's goodness. I was dealing with some tough stuff and I wasn't really feeling God's goodness at the time but I believed He was. I opened it and explained what I was going through and why I was having trouble feeling that and I didn't want lead the discussion because I would feel I was faking it. It was honestly the best small group discussion I ever 'led'. Because I was honest about my life and doubts, everyone else felt they could be too. One of the staff members happened to be there. She told me later I should not have done that. Because as a leader I had to be all "put together" in front of them. That was the end of  both me AND my co-leader being apart of that ministry. 

Since I got over my intense anger I had been going through the motion. Jason and I joined a church we both loved. We got into a small group. We were volunteering. I want Peyton to be raised in a Christian home. But I just couldn't bring myself to put in any effort. I still didn't care.

I won't go into the details, but a few weeks ago at our church our pastor and his wife got up and shared personal details of how they were not perfect. It was the first time in my 27 years of being in church that the pastor did not just claim to be a sinner, he shared the ugly details. He was 100% transparent. The leadership of the church spoke after him and said, "he is still our pastor, we still love him, we will stand by him. We will move forward."

The next week his wife preached on the dark valleys we go through in our lives. She called us to all be people who confessed to each other our struggles and failures. At the end of the service they had some staff standing up if anyone wanted to confess or ask for prayer. For the first time in a long time I heard God speak to me. God was telling me to stop floating, get back to working and being passionate about my relationship with him. It was time to stop watching everyone else be Christians, and start being one. I was now in a place that wouldn't shun me for not always saying the 'correct' answer. 

Jason and I wanted to just make things legal at the court house. His family was to excited. They had sat and watched him crumble after his ex-wife decided one day she didn't want to be married and refused to speak to him again. They always hoped, but never expected he would trust anyone again. When I came into the picture everyone welcomed me with open arms and told me how happy they were to see Jason fall in love again. They kept telling me they always knew he wanted kids and a family, but they never thought they would see it happen for him. They were just as excited as I was to see Jason become a father. 

With how important family is to Jason and I, it went from a courthouse elopement, to a backyard wedding to an actual small ceremony at a local park. Honestly it was perfect. My brother got ordained and he preformed our shortest ceremony in the world. We wrote our own vows. That was important to us being we were a unique situation. Standard vows just didn't seem right.

I was not nervous at all. I had one minute of worry as I was hiding behind the trees waiting on it to start. Did I really want to legally tie myself to someone again, after how my last one destroyed my life? Was I stupid? Then I remembered I was marrying Jason. I didn't have one doubt that he was who I was suppose to marry. 

No one imagines their dream wedding being the second time around. Much less when they are 8 months pregnant. It wasn't ideal. We had plans of eloping to the beach, but getting pregnant changed that plan. It was the perfect way for us to start our lives officially married.  we were able to tie Peyton into our vows. I didn't stress about anything. Everything was laid back and casual. I think having a small wedding was the best option. I have none of the regrets we might have had if we had gone and signed papers at the courthouse. I'm one blessed woman.

I grew up in the homeschool Christian bubble. I fought the bubble and the views of that crowd. I saw many different parenting views from one extreme to the other as I grew up I saw what happens when the kids become adults.I have therefore formed opinions, and ideas of how I think is best. However,I have only been a parent for 14 months. I'm not an expert. I am scared to death we are going to screw up our daughter.

I heard a man speaking about how domestic violence is a men's issue, not a women's problem. We raise boys to believe girls are inferior. Saying things like, "toughen up", "you throw like a girl" teaches boys are better than girls. Boys are discouraged from showing emotion or crying when they are younger, they are only allowed to get angry. The mindset of men who attack and abuse women starts when they are little. We need to teach our sons to appreciate the femininity of girls, and respect their point of view from a young age. If we don't teach our sons how to respect girls, who will? 

On the flip side we need to teach our daughters that they are precious and show them how they should be treated. If they aren't taught when they are little and developing how they should be treated, they will not have good standards of how their boyfriends should be treating them. 

The recent cheating site hack that exposed a conservative Christian celeb has been all over social media. A woman posted her response on Facebook and it blew up. I have never read something I agree with as much as her post. I couldn't find the post when I went back to look for it. Her line, "I will raise my daughters to believe she breathes fire" has really stuck with me. 

In her post she's basically explains why this celebrities wife will never divorce her lying cheating husband. She has no education, no experience and was raised to believe she is inferior to her husband. She believes it's her job to stand by her husband quietly and take care of his house and kids with no opinions. That's all she knows, it's how she was raised. When she should be taking her kids and running from him, she can't. She believes him cheating was her fault. Her family, her friends, and her faith will shun her for divorcing him, not him for having multiple affairs. When problems arise it's the women's fault never the mans. My heart breaks for her. Where in the Bible does it show this is how marriage and women should be treated? Where does it show to treat girls as they are not valuable? 

I don't think women are more important as men. We are equally important and valuable. In my marriage, Jason values me and my opinions just as much as I value his. It's an equal partnership. When Christian men quote  "wives submit to your husband". They fail to keep reading the rest of the chapter where if goes into length about how a man should love and cherish his wife. When he treats her with love and honor, he will have earned her respect. If a woman submits to a man who doesn't respect her opinion and feelings, it's a breeding ground for an abusive situation.

My sister started her first real relationship over the summer. I love new exciting love. I'm so excited for my sister. She had some concerns. We stayed up most of the night talking about relationships and boys. Girl talk and giggles all night long is something I love, and talking about boys is even more fun.  New love is exciting and fun, but also scary and risky.

If there is someone who seems to be everything you could want in a spouse, but you don't have the romantic feelings for, give it a chance to see if the passion grows. Most relationships that just start off with intense passion without a foundation of something substantial, fizzle out and don't last. (Not saying they don't work out, Jason and I started off as a passionate whirlwind.) My sister in law said when my brother asked her out she didn't have a single reason to tell him no, and as their relationship grew and got to know each other, so did their romantic feelings and passion. It was the other end of the spectrum with Jason and I. We both knew at first sight we wanted forever with each other and all the feelings were there from the beginning.

Two completely different ways to fall in love. Does that mean one way is more correct than the other? No. Does one of our relationships have more love than the other? Nope. Some people have a defining moment when they know for a fact they fall in love. Others slowly realize it over time. It seems to my people fall in love the opposite of how they will expect it to happen. The real thing will challenge every view and expectation you ever had a lot love.

It is scary to have a friendship that you might lose if something goes south romantically. But counter to that, it could be the best thing to ever happen to you. What if you try to make something work with someone who seems interesting, but it doesn't work out. It seems conservative Christians value marrying the first person you date. It's special if it works out that way, but, that's not always good. Breaking up with a boyfriend is way easier then trying to force a relationship with a person you never should marry in the first place. Don't be afraid to break off a relationship if it's not right. Relationships will always be a risk and scary. No risk=no reward.