She Found Her Wings

One of my best friends had a baby girl just a few months before I had Peyton. We had plans of doing all the little girl things together with our princesses. Harleigh was diagnosed with Zellweger Syndrome soon after she was born. She was only with us for 5 months and 5 days. 

When I heard what she was being diagnosed with I started googling. Jason found me on the couch with my laptop crying so hard I couldn't talk. When he asked me what was going on, all I could say was, "she is going to die". It was a hard struggle for everyone to deal with the reality of the situation. I talked to my friend every day (annoyed her to death with my love haha). I was with her every chance I had. Never once did I hear her complain or blame God.

I asked my friend how she could remain so strong in her faith through all of this. I wasn't even the one dealing with it and I had basically given up on God. She said people told her stories about how they were coming back to church and their faith because of Harleigh's life. I didn't understand why wouldn't God just heal Harleigh? How much more of a testimony would God have in that situation? 

Everyone was praying for a miracle. I did for a while, but it it seemed hopeless I gave up. I didn't want to speak to God. Maybe it was a lack of faith, maybe not. I'm I don't know. All I could do was pray for my friends and their strength and their faith. I tried to be supportive and positive on the outside, but inside I was furious. I had made my way back to church and my faith without an innocent baby dying. I held onto that selfish thought for about two years. Then it hit me like a brick wall about two years after her death. An innocent baby did die for me to have faith. That baby might not have been an infant when he died. But Jesus was innocent and he died for me. Man am I selfish or what? 

My friend announced she was pregnant again. She is delivered another baby girl this summer. There were risks since it is a genetic disease. We were all scared but hopeful. We were all praying for a perfectly healthy baby. This time I was asking God for that miracle. I was begging God not to ask my friends to walk down that impossible road twice. This time I believed God would perform a miracle. I would not give up this time. And if He didn't  give us the outcome we were begging for, I was praying for everyone's faith. That we could all understand that Gods ways are better than ours. He can see the big picture, all we can see is ourselves.

Baby sister was born a week ago. Completely perfect. We serve an awesome and loving God. He always sends a rainbow after a storm.

I have struggled hard with this post. I'm not sure how much is to much to share because I want this blog to be completely anonymous. It's not about hurting someone else's reputation, but about sharing my experiences in hopes others who are hurting alone will talk to someone and get the help they need. I have been working on this one for so long, but I keep rewriting and changing it. Then I decide not to even post it at all. But I have talked to a struggling friend, I know I have to post. So sorry, for the length, and the ugly personal details. I hope my point comes across. It's my soapbox I get passionate about and ramble. 

Good people sometimes do bad things, it doesn't make them a bad person. Sometimes they might not even realize what they said or did is so wrong. I have been abused by multiple people. Maybe they knew what they were doing. But few I honestly believe they did not realize what they were doing was wrong. Everyone responds to abuse differently. I learned to disassociate myself with it. My mind would shut down and I wouldn't be there mentally. Honestly it was only when I was married and starting to have sex with Sam did I have flashbacks and even remember I was abused as a young child. 

I had this friend through preteen years who knew most of the struggles I was going through at home and how it affected me. Eventually he became my boyfriend. We told each other we loved each other. For two clueless teenagers, I believe we did love each other for the age we were. I was 16 when we had our first kiss. You can imagine what happened when you put a broken insecure girl, the deepness of our friendship, and teenage boy going through puberty. While he never forced himself on me. He never seemed to hear when I tried to tell him about how I did not like what we were doing. So I quit trying to fight him. My mind would disengage like it had trained itself to do during my childhood abuse. So wether he realized he was able to manipulate me because he knew what my insecurities were or not. (Which I don't believe he had a clue.) It doesn't matter. It happened. I lost valuable pieces of myself wasn't ready to give away.

A year after I got married my childhood abuser, drove many hours just to take me to breakfast and apologized for everything that happened. He didn't have to do this. He changed and took responsibility for his actions. Does it change what he did? Nope. But I will tell you what it did do. It made it easier for me to heal. Forgiving was easier. Which in turn made working though the issues with my counselor easier. The damage was done, the scars and issues are there that I will always deal with. I did not really respond when he apologized, I was shocked. I wasn't prepared for that. Honestly I had only recently begun to remember the abuse and at the beginning stages of working through it. I know how rare and fortunate I am to have gotten a sincere apology. But it was very much appreciated no matter how awkward it was.

I had to share a house with Sam for a year after I filed for divorce. You can only imaging the struggles involved in that. I still loved him but I was crushed by the life he was living, but I was determined to leave him because he did not love me. It was really a huge emotional mess. I did not understand how dangerous and unhealthy it was for me to stay in that house with him until I was out. I only stayed because I had no other options. Looking back, I would have done that whole situation differently. It got to the point I was locking my door at night to keep myself safe. My boss kept telling me to go to the women's shelter. But I didn't feel my life was that bad. If you are going through a divorce, it might be humiliating to have to ask a friend or family member if you can mooch off them for a while. But I promise, you need that separation.

When I started dating the guy I saw during my divorce, I was clear up front I could not do anything serious. He realized what was going on at my house and gave me his key so I had a safe place to go. He worked overnight shifts and was opposite my schedule.  As time went on I heard so many times from him, "we are adults. People are assuming we are doing it since you basically live here". Or my personal favorite, "you are my girlfriend, there are certain responsibilities you have". (Oh no he didn't!) I broke up with him. After several weeks he apologized and we started seeing each other again. Things were fine for awhile, then it wasn't fine. I don't think the he knew what he was really saying. Those statements were true, and it's how our culture thinks. But that didn't mean I was ready for that or that it made it ok for him to think that way. I don't for a second think he was a bad guy, it is just how our world functions these day. 

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do!! (Except pay your bills and clean up after yourself, sorry) I'm not saying that there will be times you just are "not in the mood", and you suck it up and do it. (Also, has anyone ever regretted getting in the mood?) Don't let anyone guilt or manipulate you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable! You don't owe anyone anything. Wether he is your boyfriend, husband or random person, I don't care if you are a grown adult and everyone else is doing it, if you don't want to do it. Don't do it. And don't stand for anyone making you feel bad about that decision. Someone using your insecurities against you to get what they want is wrong.

Guys feel their needs need to be met no matter the cost to anyone else. I have heard stories where guys are confronted by someone about taking advantage of a girl they didn't even realize there was a problem. Or like the famous Brock Turner's dad didn't want his son's future to be ruined for his 10 min of fun. I get so hot and mad when I hear stories like this because I am the other side. Girls don't have confidence or strength to say no more clearly than they already did. Or they did say no and the guy doesn't care about anything other than his desires. I personally know how Brock Turner might have only had 10 min of fun, But that poor girl will never forget, it will affect every moment of the rest of her life. 

I am ashamed of my generation for many reasons. How can we make this better for the next generation? I believe it starts at home with our kids when they are babies. Growing up I did not have a healthy love life modeled for me as I grew up. I did not have encouragement build into me to give me self confidence.  On the other hand, we need to teach our kids to respect other people and their boundaries while being sensitive to other people's comfort. No one owes them anything. I'm not a parenting expert. I don't know how to go about doing this. But I know it is a huge problem I don't want passed onto the next generation, my generation has done enough damage.

Dear friend going through a difficult divorce,

I understand what you are going through. I know how you feel. Details might look different on the outside. But deep down, it's the same hurt and devastation no one understands unless they have gone through a divorce. I get it. Since I can't do anything to make it easier, hopefully it is comforting to know someone really understands. What I can do is tell you what I wish someone had told me or what I would tell myself if I had to relive those days. 

It's ok to miss him. You prepared your whole life with him. It's normal no matter what he did.

You are not a failure just because you have a failed marriage. It takes two to be married. If Sam had actually tried to change his life. We would have made it. 

It's ok to cry. Scream. Let it out. You will feel better after I promise.

You can still be a Christian even though you are divorced. Maybe it was the church I went to. Maybe it was how I was raised. Maybe it's my bad attitude. But when I left Sam I had also just miscarried. I left God too because I was mad. I knew God had wanted me to marry Sam. Why!? I ignored God and didn't want anything to do with him. He couldn't care one bit about me if he took my baby and my husband. If I had just ran to Him instead of running away, I could have saved myself even more heartache. 

I don't regret much of anything about my marriage with Sam. I wasn't perfect, but I tried my hardest. It wasn't until we split that I had regrets. I wish I could have handled how I reacted better. I did lots of stupid unnecessary things. If I had tried to have a relationship with God to fill my empty heart instead of others, I would have much less to regret. Be careful how you act for a while. Make sure it isn't something you will regret several years down the road when you look back and think "What was I thinking? Was that even me?"

Love you!!

Last night at the event I helped coordinate for domestic violence awareness and to offer free counseling. One of the speakers was the judge who granted me my divorce. (I wrote about him in my post D-day part 2) He was a nice old man who said his wife always gets on to him for sounding mean and cynical. But he honestly doesn't try to be mean. He shared about his side of domestic violence. The domestic violence cases take a whole day every week. He tries to set up restraining orders for every victim. But most of the times the victim doesn't want one, and they end up back in his court room. He mentioned he takes detailed notes about every case and saves all his notes for the next time.

I don't know why but hearing him speak made me so emotional. I was the victim he spoke of sitting in his court room who didn't have bruises to prove her pain. I knew after the event I needed to introduce myself. After two and a half years of wishing I could have spilled my guts out to the judge about all the reasons I needed that divorce. I had the chance to share my story and how his decision had given me freedom. 

Afterwards I went up and introduced myself and told him my story. We talked for a bit. He was so glad I came up and talked to him and that everything turned out wonderful for me. He says it's hard only seeing the negative side of people's lives. He was happy my life turned out ok, and he thanked me for introducing myself. 

It's weird how that conversation with a stranger gave me closer I didn't know I was missing. I had hated the feeling that my judge didn't know why I was getting a divorce. All he knew is we had, "unreconcilable differences" and I was 9 months pregnant with another man's child. It doesn't change anything that happened in that court room two and a half years later, but it's nice to know my judge understands now what happened. 

I had a blog post I was working on. But I couldn't wrap it up. Or put the thoughts I had in my mind to print. Jason read it and felt it was a repeat of other posts (it's a lot of details about how guys take advantage of girls without even realizing it. An important topic I need to work on more). I struggled with how to word what was spinning around my head. I just wasn't getting the point I wanted across. So I decided to scrap it and start all over.

I work hard at fight my demons, and be an stable independent woman. I hate being vulnerable around people I love and trust, much less people I don't trust. I was publicly broken and raw for so long. I feel I don't deserve anymore hard days because my life is so wonderful right now. When I have them I keep it to myself. I am so blessed to be where I am in life now after such a dark road. But it did not come easy. It was hard for me, it took a lot of praying. And most of those prayers were not coming from me. 

I completely lost it at work last week and had a full blown panic attack. Several people thought me and another employee were fighting. People were talking and asking me crazy off the wall questions about why I was so upset. I got annoyed at how much people make up their own truth about me. It made me doubt why I started this blog. Everyone has always had something to say about me. Even in grade school people would talk about me. Most of the things I have heard haven't even been true, but its still hurtful. I started wondering this week if I started this blog so people would stop talking about me. I was the one setting the record strait, even if it wasn't flattering. But that was a lie from the devil. I started sharing my story with the women around me. And they opened up to me and shared also. We heal together knowing we were not alone in our pain. I knew a blog would help more people than the handful of people in my life. Whatever my motives were, or people think, my blog has helped many people. And that's enough for me to keep writing. Even if it feels repetitive at times.

If you have never had a panic attack, it doesn't just end when it's over. My body, emotions and brain will be tense and sensitive for many days after. In those few days after my panic attack I saw something on social media that upset me. In my weakened emotional state made my funk last longer. A mutual friend had posted a picture of Sam. It brought up emotions and thoughts I don't normally have. If I were to dwell on my past and all the unanswered questions I would be a bitter miserable person. However seeing the picture brought back all the questions and emotions. When I think about it now I don't really care. It doesn't normally affect me. I was only in a raw state coming off a panic attack. I hate that it affected me at all. But it did.

I'm not ashamed that I have a failed marriage in my past. But sometimes I wish I has more time to explain to people when I see the judgment in their eyes. For instance the guy who was filling out my passport application when he said, "well one name change is allowed, but with two marriages we need legal documentation." I wanted to tell him how I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough. I wanted to tell him all the horrible things Sam had done to me. But I didn't say a word. I have encounters like that occasionally. People see me and are shocked that someone so young is already on a second marriage. I can see them trying to look into my eyes and figure out what is wrong with me. If I have a chance I try to say a little bit, but normally I just have to deal with their judgmental looks.

There are still bad day. But I try my best to keep them to myself. Because I am so happy, I can't and I won't let my old demons from my past affect my present. Because then they win, and I will not allow that.

I have never shared this next part with anyone not even Jason until he proof read this. I'm not quite sure what the point of it is yet. But there has to be a nugget of something in here somewhere. Since I started this blog to raise awareness of what really goes on in a divorce and how we can help those suffering. I should probably share all of my struggles. (Which I am an open book, except for the sexual abuse details, that stuff belongs in coffee shop conversations, not the Internet.)

I have done lots of reading on PTSD. You don't have to be a war veteran to have a form of it. You don't have to have physical bruises to be a victim of domestic violence. The farther and farther I get away from Sam and our actual divorce date the farther I get away from my PTSD like symptoms. It's a long process on the road back to 'normal',  I'm never going to give up. 

I was so stressed and scared when I was married to Sam. Subconsciously I knew he was full of crap, but I think I was so determined to make my marriage work I convinced myself everything was ok. I just refused to think about it. However, I could not sleep. As I would lay in bed at night my mind would race and try to figure out all the loose ends from his stories that didn't add up. When I did get to sleep I would have one of two nightmares.

In the first dream there was a car accident and Sam died. I was all alone. After burying my husband I discovered I was pregnant with his son. I moved back into his parents house. After a few years a guy from my highschool days whom I never had a relationship with started trying to pursue me and my new child. In the second dream I did not move in with his parents when I found out I was pregnant. Instead I stayed in my home and raised our son alone, and a year later a guy that I knew from around town was the one wanting to start to date me. The endings to the dreams were always different. But the beginnings were always the same. A tragic sudden accident, a son, and another guy later. (Side note, this is why I am 100% convinced the child I miscarried when I was with Sam was a boy)

I guess I dreamed it one night and actually felt rested when I woke up. I discovered when I was having trouble sleeping if I would replay it in my mind and I would fall asleep almost immediately. Most nights I would wake up from this dream sobbing. I wouldn't know what was reality when I woke up. I took a minute or two to remember where I was.

Why did I have this reoccurring nightmare of Sam dying? Why did replaying it in my head when I couldn't sleep relax me enough to let me fall asleep? For real it left me with tons of questions that I bet a professional psychologist could tell me what it all meant. If I was sleeping at a friends house or somewhere far away from Sam, I was fine. But when I was home where Sam was the only time I was able to sleep without having this emotional dream was if I was drinking before bed. Needless to say, I began drinking regularly just so I could get some sleep. And when the guy I was dating started picking up on this was happening to me at home, he got me a key to his house and told me to stay there whenever I needed to. (He worked over nights and was never there)

I remember the first night Jason stayed over. I had fallen asleep on the couch during a movie, so he was making his move to head home. Something about Jason and who he is relaxes me and can calm me down just from being near him. Because I realized it was so easy for me to sleep with him there, I asked him to stay. He stayed with me that night. We did not do much sleeping though. We stayed up talking most of the night. He shared with me his past and I told him details about my past I had never told a soul even to this day.  He wrapped his huge arms around me and I felt completely safe for honestly the first time in my life as I lay there in his arms. We might have only slept a few hour that night, but I remember it was the most restful sleep I had in a long time. I woke up feeling completely renewed. 

Where am I going with this post? I don't have a freaking clue! I do know now that my sleep is limited being a wife, mother, employee and home owner, I have the most wonderful sleep when I get the chance. I never have to fake a alternate reality. If I have trouble falling asleep I just think back to the whirlwind romance of Jason and I falling in love, and bam! I'm out. My reality is my dream, I don't have to try to convince my mind to relax by false daydreams.

Weddings like crazy in my family this spring. My sister married a wonderful man this past weekend. A man who I am obsessed with for her. I told her when he asked her out I needs a 3 page paper on all his flaws so I can be realistic about him as a human. (She hasn't done that yet, I bet after a year of marriage she could do it.) My brother gets married next month. I'm also obsessed with his lady. Every time she opens her mouth I fall even more in love with her. Major plus, I'm no longer the weird one in the family because she is crazy! 

Of course in all the toasts and wedding festivities everyone is giving the couples marriage advice. No one said anything bad, but the couples aren't listening. Not because they weren't paying attention, but I promise you, they won't remember a word anyone said the whole weekend. So I didn't give them any advise. Except to call me when they feel alone and scared things are failing, because I have been there. So they don't have to do it alone.

So here is my marriage advise, for my sister and her husband, my brother and his wife, and the whole rest of the world because apparently I am a blogger. And everyone wants to hear what a girl who was divorced at the age of 24 has to say about marriage. (Yes that was sarcasm)

You are both going to fail each other. Both of y'all will break each other's hearts. You wont be able to keep every word of your vows every day, you are human. Some failures will be bigger than others, but whatever you do, whatever happens. NEVER LIE ABOUT IT. Don't try to hide your failures. Your spouse does not expect you to be perfect. Anything can be worked through and fixed if you are both committed to fix whatever issues that come up. But if you lie about it, there is no coming back from that. Once I had been lied to so many times by Sam, I was at the point where even if he did start telling the truth, I would never be able to trust that it was truth. Once trust is broken, it will never be the same as it was. Just never lie!!!

So Brother and Sister, If things start looking bad for you and your spouse and one of you isn't fighting for your marriage. Don't be surprised when I show up at your door and ask you some rough questions. I wish someone would have come into my home, grabbed Sam by the neck and said, "You promised, I heard you on your wedding day make all those promises, why are you treating her like this?" His dad did do that. His dad asked him the hard questions. His dad yelled at him. His dad also asked me the hard questions, and yelled at me when I did my stupid things. Because he really cared. He was fighting for his family. Unfortunately his dad and I lost the war. But you better believe, I'll fight for you, I'll fight for your marriage. Because it's important. It's a family thing, and I care.