She Found Her Wings

At one point in my life Sam was exactly what I  needed. He taught me about love in the way he treated me when we were dating. Before Sam a lot of my views of what love was very distorted because of experiences while i was growing up. We were a perfect fit in our dreams of what we wanted to do with our lives. I was a hurt scared girl when we met. He helped encourage me and learn to be confident in myself. 

We met when i was in 8th grade. We were both on a missions trip with our youth group. On the plan ride home dad tried to play match maker and changed seats with him so we sat together. He was nice. I didn't think anything more of him at the time. The summer before my senior year Sam was at my house hanging out with my older brother. By the end of the summer we were dating. We were very happy together. We fell in love. We had future plans to do youth ministry together. My freshmen year of college he asked me to marry him. The next March of 2008 we were married.

I remember the moment before my dad walked me down the isle my dad said, "If you don't want to do this you don't have to. I have heard some things about his work ethic." That was the first I had ever heard anything negative about him from my dad. I didn't listen dad loved Sam. Nothing would have changed my mind. I was suppose to marry him, I was crazy in love (or what I thought was love). I wouldn't be where I am or who i am if I didn't. Even if I had the chance to go back in time knowing what I know now, I would  still l do it all again. 

It's been very hard for me to think back and try to remember the good times and why I loved him. When I think of a memory I can't help but wonder what of that was a lie too? When did it really start? We were very happy while we were dating and engaged. And we had many happy times while being married too. A few months before everything blew up the second time I remember telling his mom it was the happiest we have ever been. He had finally after several years made some friends. They were a good group of guys. They would come over and hang out all the time. I loved it. 

I knew he stole from his parents in high-school. It didn't seem like a red flag to me, that's pretty common. On one of my phone conversations with his older brother while I was filing for divorce, I learned that Sam has been writing checks from his bank account while he was dating me. Maybe he always had a problem, and I just didn't know. He meant so much to me. He changed me and was a big influence in my life. I would have done anything for him.  But I can't help but wonder if I meant anything to him? Did I help him in any way? Was I just a silly girl blinded by love? From my point of view it looks like I changed him for the worse. He went from a man going to school and being a youth leader to a criminal who can't keep a job or tell the truth. What did I do? I ruined him. And I have no idea what I did to cause such a dramatic transformation.

I remember feeling after our wedding and Sam moved to Northwest Arkansas with me that something had changed. He was mad all the time. Yelling, Hitting things, I found things that scared me. Whenever I tried to talk to him to figure out what was going on, he would tell me it was all in my head. I developed severe anxiety. I couldn't function in most circumstances. Something was wrong. I had no clue what. I just tried harder to be a better wife. Maybe he was right. It was all in my head. It was probably my fault.

One night he never came home. His cell phone was off. Finally around 1030 I got a call from an unknown number. It was his one phone call. I had to ask him where he was. I had to ask why. He didn't volunteer any information. All I could gather was he was stealing cash from his job because he lied to me about having one. We hung up. I was so confused.

I called his dad because I didn't know what to do. He drove 3.5 hours in the middle of the night to stay with me. (Again, best father in law ever) I remember just laying on the bathroom floor puking out my guts before my father in law arrived. It felt like my heart was trying to come out of my throat. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Why? How? I was a newlywed, this was suppose to be the happiest year of my life. I was broken. There had been something wrong. It wasn't in my head.  The truth was out, it wasn't me. My marriage was filled with lies. I didn't understand? How did he change this much in such a short time? This wasn't who I dated. Did I do something to cause this? It had to be my fault, I had to be doing something wrong.

We sat there waiting for them to release Sam the next afternoon. I felt like it was a dream. A few months before I had worn the prettiest princess dress and danced with my father in law to my favorite song. Now we sat in a jail waiting room after paying his bail. How do you react? I didn't know what to think. My whole body and heart was numb.

Sam walked through the doors. He smiles a smug smile. Looked at his dad and said, "Hey Dad!" I was instantly angry. I don't know what I wanted him to say. But that wasn't it. After an uncomfortably silent drive home, his dad said, "Sam you are my son and I love you. But if you don't get your act together and change you are going to lose everything. If you do it again and Christine doesn't leave you, I'm going to come take you away from her. She doesn't deserve this."

I was shocked. My mind hadn't even thought of leaving him. I don't know what I was thinking, but it wasn't leaving. His parents work for a mission that counsels couples to stay married through hard times. And here his Dad was saying he was going to take him away if he didn't change. I didn't know how to comprehend any of this. 

I ended up telling him we were going to get the help we needed. We were going to work through it. And that if he ever got arrested again, not to bother calling me. I wasn't going to live like this my whole life. We were going to learn from it and become stronger because of it. 

Fast Forward maybe 3 months. I had had ovarian cysts and was having surgery to have them removed. I was highly medicated and couldn't get around well much less drive. Sam went to do his community service. Several hours later his mom called and said she was on her way over. I thought it was odd since she lived 3.5 hours away. I asked what was wrong. Sam was in jail again. Apparently it was a misunderstanding, the police lost records of his community service. He had to finish his hours out in jail. His mom sorted it all out. He was only in for several days, all of which she stayed and took care of me. 

Looking back now I can see that it wasn't a misunderstanding. Most things that seemed crazy or horrible luck that he had I look back now and see how blind and stupid I was. Did the rest of the world see what he was doing and how he was treating me? Or did he have them fooled too? When I think back I can't help by feel like an idiot for not seeing through his lies.

I feel everyone understands that no one is perfect. Everyone is going to fail and hurt even the one they love. Trying to hide that failure is no way to handle it. If he would have just told me the truth about what was going on with our finances. Yes, I would have been furious. But as his wife, how could I help or be apart of our marriage if I was clueless about what was going on? How could I encourage him without knowing what he was going through? I couldn't. I was set up to fail. He thought he was protecting me. But in actuality he was single handedly destroying me and us. I didn't have a clue.

I want to start this post by bragging on my ex in-laws. I don't want anyone to think I dislike them or blame them. Quite the contrary. I adore them. We were very close. They are the best parents I could ever ask for. His mom was my best friend. We had the mother daughter relationship I always wanted. I absolutely loved being apart of their family. I miss every single one of them and still think of them often. I told him all I wanted in the divorce was his family, he could have everything else. If only life worked that way right?. They will always have a place in my heart, and I am forever grateful for everything they ever did for me and every moment I got to be apart of their family. 

When we got married they asked us to get a covenant marriage. I didn't know really what it was. Basically it's a Christian piece of paper saying you can't get divorced. I was 20, I was in love and naive. No way was my marriage going to fail. I didn't even even give it a second thought. 

Covenant marriage legally says, the only way you can get divorced is physical abuse, adultery, felony, or neglect of at least two years. You then have to be separated for two years and go through counseling to try to work through the issues. Seems simple enough. No big deal. That would never happen to me.

(I changed my ex husbands name for him and his family, incase he does change his life. I don't want his past to ruin his chance at a future) 

Sam committed a felony. I went to his court case to support him. I could feel the judge starring at me all morning. Probably trying to figure out who I was since he had a file for every other person in the room. Sam was last, leaving me the only one still sitting. Judge asked who I was, then closed his file and ripped into Sam. He said, "Your wife obviously loves you. If I give you what you deserve you will not be able to do anything but flip burgers the rest of your life and you will never be able to care for her. I'm going to give you a misdemeanor, I better never see you again. You treat her right." He got it reduced to a misdemeanor. What I thought was our greatest blessing turned out to be the knife in my back. 

After the second time he was caught several years later we went to counseling. I drug him there really. The guy told us we needed to go separately. He referred Sam to a Christian financial counselor. And he sent me to one of his women to work through my pain. I loved her. I love counseling. If I could afford it I would go every week! She helped me process a lot of my emotions.  At the end of my sessions, she told me she had written and sent off what she needed to my lawyer after the first week. Basically she knew after the first session I had made up my mind, I knew what I was doing, and it is the right decision. 

But I was still stuck for two more years. His parents fought hard for us. They did everything possible to keep us together and I love them because of that. Seriously the best inlaws a girl could ask for. But I wasn't married to them. I was married to their son. I sat there and watched him say all the right things with his parents. But when we were alone he did nothing. I wanted him to fight for me and for us. But he never did. Fighting for a person who wouldn't fight with me was futile.

Why do we as Christians feel the need to make our marriage look "better" than the rest of the world?  God isn't going to tell all the couples who don't have the 'christian' marriage that their marriage isn't good enough. 

What of other abusive and hurtful relationships not listed in the contract? I don't believe God wants people to get divorced. It is not how he designed marriage. But we live in a fallen world. No one is perfect. I don't think God wants his children to live in unhealthy circumstances. And there are many more ways a person can destroy another without actually physically touching them.

Emotional abuse is the hardest to prove. Because you can't point to the evidence. You can't see it happening until it's to late. I didn't have bruises or broken bones. You can't see my scars by just looking at me. But my spirit and heart were destroyed by the man who was suppose to protect me. Does that mean my pain is not as real as a woman whose husband broke her bones?  It's different, but just as serious. Who are Christians to decide who's sin or pain is worse than others in Gods eyes? 

I understand the reasoning behind the covenant marriage. It's to help people work through their issues and remain married. However, in an abusive situation, I was unable to get out. I was drug through two more years of him hurting me when my heart needed to be set free. 

In the Bible Belt we are raised to believe divorce should never be an option when you are a Christian. You work out whatever issues come up. My parents said all the time they would never even mention the "d" word. It's not an option. That was how I was raised. How can you love Jesus and want to divorce your husband at the same time?

I was hurt. My husband had been lying to me for basically our whole marriage. Him getting arrested and having most of our future ruined was not enough of a wake up call for him.  After years of struggling to connect with him and have him let me into his life, I had finally felt peace that divorce was the decision. I assumed everyone thought I was wrong and wanted to change my mind. 

The church I belonged to and love was a long drive. I was hurting. I was angry. I felt like I would be judged. But in all honesty, only a couple of the people there even had a clue what was going on. So many mornings I got up to go, and as I was walking to the door I would get so angry I would have a panic attack. Eventually I just quit trying.

I have thought back on my conversations with those who knew the intimate details of my marriage and what I had been going through. Not one of them told me I was wrong. In fact everyone I really let know all the details was strongly encouraging me to run as fast as I can. 

Why did I feel like I wasn't allowed to pray or go to church? It was all in my head. During that time I physically hurt because of how broken my heart was. I was lonely, I thought no one understood, and they all judged me. It that wasn't the case. I isolated myself from my friends, my church family and my God because I was ashamed at what my life had turned into. I was the one judging me, not anyone else. I willingly did the one thing that I wasn't suppose to ever consider. Though I had no control over any of it, I blamed myself for it all.  

In my thoughts of wanting to help other people in my situation I tried to think of what I would have benefited from. Honestly nothing would have made it any easier. It was a tough road I had no choice but to go down it. But knowing that I was not the only one would have made me feel much less like a failure. So I felt compelled to write down and share my story. I don't know why. I don't know how. But it's not to hurt anyone or make anyone look bad. It's to share my feelings, failures and experiences.