She Found Her Wings

This morning It will have been a year since we lost my grandmother. My mom called before 7 am. Before I even called her back, I knew what had happened. It sounds wrong. It sounds like just some person I am related to had died. The words "my grandmother" don't even come close to describing how much she meant to me. She has never been just "my grandmother", but my guardian angel, my friend and my role model, my second mother. With my bad relationship with my own mother, Dorsey was who I viewed as my mother. Today is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for every moment, conversation, cuddle, laugh and adventure I had with her. 

Spending the night at her house was always my favorite. Especially when I got to go alone without my brothers. She was the best cook. After we cuddled in her bed watching tv, She would always say prayers with me and tuck me in, and give me kisses. What I wouldn't give for one more sleepover. One more time to be tucked in the way she does best. She took my brothers and me on big vacations. She never missed any performance or event in my life. She was sick the day I got my first period, but she send Grandan over with a present for me. I was mortified then, but it's hilarious now. All seemingly small things, but they meant the world to me.

I remember after her stroke communicating was hard. She never fully recovered and it was hard seeing her like that. She didn't remember things, she couldn't hear me when I called. I hated being far away. I couldn't spend as much time as I wanted. I missed so much time I could have spent with her if I had not moved. Her and my sister were my reasons to visit. 

During my first marriage. She was the one I turned to. Her and my grandfather helped me financially and supported me through the whole thing. She never once said a word, she let my grandfather do all the talking and lecturing. She just did all the loving. Sam told me it frustrated him talking to her because she always asked him about his job and financial situation. Looking back I think she knew Sam was still lying even though no one else did. She was probably trying to get him to fess up to me. I remember sitting across from her at dinner telling her I miscarried her first great-grandchild and was getting a divorce. She again didn't say a word, she didn't look surprised, she just hugged me. Cause she knew nothing anyone said would change my situation or take my pain away.

At the end I remember sitting in her hospital room. Everyone said she was unresponsive. But she kept squeezing my hand and looking at me. She couldn't talk, but she was trying to tell me something. It was hard for me to meet her eyes and see her like that. She would stare at Peyton when she wasn't looking at me. The next time I saw her I knew it was the last. I just wanted to curl up in her bed with her and stay by her side until the last possible second. But I had a husband and a baby and a responsibilities. It was so hard walking away. Knowing I would never see her again this side of heaven. What do you say in that moment? How do you let someone know they mean everything to you. And they were perfect. And you don't know how to go on without them. And you wish you will be just like them when you grow up. Through my uncontrollable sobs and blubbering words, I hope she knew.

I will hear her favorite hymns play at work or other places, and I feel her presence. I sing Peyton to sleep in her rocking chair every night. Some of the songs I learned sitting next to her in church every Sunday. I can still remember her voice singing them. One night I was just overwhelmed by the feeling that she was watching me. I sat there and I talked to her and cried while Peyton slept in my arms. I don't know why, I don't know how to explain it. (Maybe I accidentally had two doses of my meds that morning.) I feel her presence a lot. Now if that's actually what's happening, or if it's just in my head I'll never know. Either way, It helps me feel better thinking she is here watching over me. 

You realize the past will be a memory that you cannot seem to get rid of. you are caught up in a horrible entanglement of low self esteem. I did not realize that this was even an issue.  (I thought I had it all together.  Even though l it was not easy to see my kids once a year.)  You are trying to convince yourself you are able to take care of yourself.  Wondering if there is someone out there that will understand who you are and approve of you.

I finally realized I needed to go back to church.  In fact my ex's sister-in-law recommend a church. I found a place where I felt at peace.  I was happy with the fellowship of believers who were worshiping there.  I had not shared my story, or even talked about my past to anyone.  I chose to help with the Library at church, and sang in the choir.  

After five years of being divorced, I realized my life needed to be changed in a direction that was free of guilt and pain of the past. My faith was gradually becoming something that gave me hope.

Getting to know everyone at the church was great place for me to meet new friends.  I had no idea that one of the families at Parkview Baptist was going to be my family one day.  I knew the Dad and Mom; and their daughter. Goodness, who would think someone in the choir was worthy enough to ask out.

How you can think that any one would want you?  After all the choices you made, and how you have been a failure in relationships.  Why would anyone want you?  All these thought's floated in my mind.  Thank goodness for a Mother at home, that made me feel worthy and kept me knowing I was loved unconditionally.  

I believe God was allowing me to see His grace in ways I never imagined. He knew I was not perfect, and I still struggled with sexual issues.  He was helping me to realize someone was interested, and I must now understand that there could be someone who would be the right person for my life.

Our pastor in his sermon this week said he had had some tough times where he had wanted a way out. He even had an escape route. He knew everyone around him would be better off if he was gone. Obviously none of that happen and he knew those thoughts were straight from the devil. But what he said triggered a memory I had.

The horrible year Sam and I lived together as roommates was the worst of my life. I was never mean to him. I was as friendly as a girl could be sharing a house with the man who shattered her heart. The situation was beyond my control. I just dealt with it. I never once told him everything would be ok or we would work it out. I told him it was over and even if he did start change. I would always think he was faking it the way he did after the first time he got caught. To much trust had been broken for me to ever think of trusting him again even if I wanted to. I didn't want to baby him and let him think the way he was acting was ok. 

One point Sam was so depressed and down on himself. He was uncontrollable and threatening suicide. He told me then I could pay off his debts and have a chance at a good life if he left me his life insurance. I felt he was pressuring me to be nice to him in his state to tell him "everything is going to be ok." I refused to give in and coddle him. I called his friend (I'll call him Tony). I told Tony what Sam was saying and said I couldn't handle him in this state with what was going on between us. Even though Tony hated my guts, he agreed and came and picked him up for a few days. (Remember I was hooking up with their other friend and with Tony not knowing what Sam did, I was a horrible person in his eyes)

It's one thing to encourage someone you love and speak truth into their life when they are having a tough time. It's another to be manipulated by them. When they use the pain they caused to you and somehow get you to comfort and reassure them. It's wrong. So many abusive partners use this tactic to keep their partner around. We believe it's our fault. But it's their problem. I don't know how I knew I needed to call his friend and ask for help. Honestly it was tough calling Tony who I knew judged me for the mess I was in and how I was handling it. But I think that was the point Sam realized I was done playing his stupid games. He still lied. He will always lie. But he learned that I wasn't going to be manipulated by him. And he backed off. He stopped trying to manipulate me and trying to trap me into staying with him. 

The next post from my friend Vicky touches my heart. I can't explain why as women we do things we know are wrong when we are hurting. I had relationships and been messing around with people I had no business even speaking to. I was embarrassed by how I was acting. I shut myself off from my friends who honestly cares about me. I thought once they knew my marriage had failed, and how I was responding and dealing they would shun me. There were tons of acquaintances and fake friends who were cruel in how they started treating me in my dark days. Some didn't really surprise to me, but some did and truly broke my heart when I found out. But I'm thankful for it because now I know who my true friends are. Looking back I wish I hadn't been so scared to be around my friends, I'm sure I would have made better choices if I had been open and honest with them. It's true the kind of people you hang around affect how you live your life. I was spending time with the wrong crowds because I felt the people who love me would judge and blame me. 

Chapter 4 from Guest Blogger Sara's Hope Founder.

As I said before I was" searching for love in all the wrong places. "  Funny how this song fits so many situations.  As I said, my emotions were a roller coaster of ups and downs.  The sadness of trying to find a level plain of a personality was difficult.  Who was I,  what happened to me?  What now? I had choices I never thought of before.  I could buy a car, I could get food at a drive through,  the choices were charging through me, and what freedom I had.  Pow! I had to stop and realize I had responsibilities, bills to pay, and living with my Mother was not a free ride.  

The saddest memory of adultery, is the fear, that the wife of the man would find out.  And most of all, they both were good friends to me. During this time period my Dad was very ill.  My children, were still in Kansas.  I was living in an apt. My choices were wrong, and voices from the past would scream, " Your parents will take the kids away from you." I saw my Dad once before he passed away.  When I learned he died,  I could not face my family.  I thought I was a failure. I ran to the house, of the man and woman (man being my secret lover), and tried to find refuge there.  I could not face my Mother.  

Finally, I went over to her house.  Brothers were arriving, and the memory is not vivid, but I found out they did not condemn me, they loved me.  What a wonderful welcome, and relief.  My ex had lied to me.  

Afterwards, Mother had told me, that my ex during all the issues of the aftermath of divorce, had came to her house.  He asked, " Why cannot your daughter have a climax?"  My Mother, looked him right in the eye and said, " I believe that has to be your problem, not hers."

So, as you see, we all have issues, and those decisions we have to make.  Some are the hardest ones, to realize you were not to blame. You were not the problem. I am grateful for family, who did their best to surround me with their love. And I am glad that I was able to have strength and courage to see my Mother after Dad had died.   She needed me.

I hear a lot of women saying they lost themselves when they were with their abusive partners. Then after they freed themselves they had to find who they were again. I did this as several times. In high school when I finally saw what was happening, I broke up with him. I didn't have the slightest clue who I was or what I wanted to be because everything I did and acted was the way he wanted me to. During my divorce everything I knew about my reality has all been fabricated. I didn't know what was real and what was a lie. I felt everything about me was a lie. I think that's why people go a little nuts after a breakup. They spent so long smothering their personality, they are finally free so they are ready to live again as themselves.

I don't like relationships where the two individuals cannot do anything apart from the other. I'm sure most of them are wonderful relationships, but it makes me uncomfortable. One thing I love hearing my sisters boyfriend say to her is, "You do you". I hear it a lot when we were making plans. He didn't care one bit if she did something different and out of the ordinary, or not what he was doing. If my sister can remain my weird, quirky, emotional sister, and be on a serious relationship I'm happy. (If she starts becoming a shell of herself because she keeps changing who she is to please him, Someones head will be rolling on the floor.) I'm sure they are being their goofy selves when they are hollering "you do you" at each other. But the meaning behind it is something beautiful.

At the same time you will change and adapt to the person you are in a relationship with. Jason sees flaws in me, points them out and I try to be better. And I do the same for him. There are things I no longer do even though it's not bad. But I don't do it because it bothers him or isn't helpful. The things we change and compromise on are not our personalities or the essence of who we are. I am 100% myself with Jason. I feel more myself when I am with him. I don't feel like there is any parts of me or my personality I have to hide or change. Being with him I feel more confident and more sure of myself because he encourages those parts of me. Don't settle to be with anyone who you feel you have to hide your personality when you with them. You will forget who you are.

It took awhile to finally decide if my life ever going to be on an even plain of emotions.

When the custody battle began over the children, I had tried to get custody. This was one that really was painful.  There is nothing worse than an investigator coming to your apartment. He looks at the place, checks all the rooms, and then asks a question that really shocked me, " Do you date?"  I said, " No, not really." He then with a straight look into my eyes said, "What? Do you prefer girls?"  I have to tell you even now this memory is very hurtful and painful. I shouted, " No!"  My behavior had to be controlled. I was angry, and felt someone had punched me in my gut.

As soon as I started fighting for my children, the ex takes off. He is running scared. This was one terrible emotional ride for me. Thank goodness I had an Attorney who was a family friend. He helped me look for my ex and the kids. My daughter had written a letter to me, as they started traveling to find a place to reside.  She told me she loved me, and they were sleeping under the stars at night. This was truly a hard time in my life.

After the Attorney found them they were settled in Washington state. We were then set for visiting rights for myself.  The agreement was for me to pay for their flight to Kansas,  and my ex to pay the fight back to Washington. I had visitation August of every year.  Thank the Lord for this attorney who realized my need to be with my children.  

It is strange how your mind can be changed by someone, then the struggle to find yourself is a turbulent wave of emotions, and reasoning.  To have your Mom say, I now know that you were manipulated and brain washed.  She  never believed what happened to Patty Hurst back in the 1960's. Miss Hurst was kidnapped in a high profile story.  Mom told me that now she could understand that this could happen to someone, she saw her daughter was brain washed.

Yes, I was finally finding a glimpse of my life.  I know that it was not easy.  I am thankful that God guided me back home with my Mother.  I lived in my old bedroom just where God knew where I needed to be for recovery.

Sam has been giving my number out to people that are searching for him. I have been getting phone calls from mostly attorneys and a few debt collectors. Several of them have talked to me a bit. When they find out I am his ex wife and divorced him because of his lying and stealing, most of them take my number out of their files, some say they can't because he said it was his number so they have to keep it for records. My curiosity is dying to know what he is doing, but I've never ask. I fight the urge to spend a few dollars and do a background check on him. To find out what all he did while we were married and he is doing now. I don't really care, I'm just curious and nosy, like any other women. Anything I find out might just irritate me. But it really doesn't matter anymore.

Jason suggested changing my phone number if it continued. I really didn't want to do that. It's the only cellphone number I've had since age 14. It was also kinda sentimental. I picked that number specifically. It was code numbers for some middle school boys my friends and I had made up. (Don't laugh, you know you had code names too). So I stalled, hoping things would calm down.

One day I had two calls, normally I only got one every few days. Then I was sitting on break at work and his number popped up. Sam was calling me. I just stared at my phone the entire time it rang. I wanted to answer and ask him what he could possibly think he needed to say to me. But I didn't answer. I'm done dealing with his crap and listening to his lies. Later that night I decided to text him back. I said, "I don't know why you think you have any reason to call me. But since you did, stop giving my number out to people who are looking for you". Maybe I should have just ignored it and not texted him. But I got it off my chest, and was able to just forget about it. But then I got another phone call. So I asked Jason to change my number while I was working that day. I have lived in Northwest Arkansas for almost 10 years, I might as well have the correct area code. This is my home. It always will be, now I have the phone number to back that up.

If anyone treats any of my family the way he did, you can bet I will be busting their door down and giving them a piece of my mind. But I am the hothead in my family, so no one would bat an eye. It would be strange for anyone else in my family to initiate any sort of confrontation. Since everything came to light all those years ago, I wish my dad and brothers were confrontational hotheads. I wished someone would have told him it's not ok to treat their daughter or sister like he did and knocked him out cold. But my brothers are neither violent or immature. So whenever anyone saw Sam they where always polite and cordial. He just got away with it. But my family has more important things to do than talk to someone who doesn't care. We have our happy wonderful lives, marriages and babies to be focusing on. So we will continue focusing on the present. Not the past which won't change, and doesn't matter.