She Found Her Wings

I was in a wedding this weekend. One thing the officiant said was "Marriage entangled your families for life, no matter what happens your will always be connected."

My mind went back to my first marriage. I have no reason to ever come into contact with him. We didn't have kids to co-parent together. It was a clean break. I keep up with two of Sam's family members on social media now that it's been a few years. I didn't think what the officiant said could be true. But then when I thought about it. Our families are still connected even if we aren't. They still live in the same town and their paths cross regularly. As much as I wish my brothers or dad would beat the crap out of him, everyone is thankfully friendly.

I removed them all from social media when it first happened. I was going through intense pain. And seeing them post things about the happy things that they were doing together made it all even harder. The one family I actually felt I belonged to, I chose to walk away. I was no longer apart. Sometimes I wonder if It would be inappropriate to reach out now. None of them reached out to me once I had made my decision. But I can't blame them. It was a difficult awkward situation. I walked away from all of them, even if it wasn't my choice. Now that the healing has taken place I wonder how they are all doing. There are now several new babies, a new marriage and who knows what else. I miss his family. Every single one of them. 

Lots of places or things will remind me of memories I had with them. It happens all the time. It always brings a sad smile to my face. Great memories, sad it's over. In fact right across the street from where this wedding took place was where Sam's little brother got married. Seeing it brought back many happy memories of my old family. That was one of the last happy "night outs" me and Sam had before I found out the truth a couple months later at his other brothers wedding. 

Do I have these feelings about Sam? Not one, only about his family. I feel I should have some kind of nostalgia towards the guy I was in love with for 8 years, but I don't. I can honestly say I feel nothing when I think of him. The only time I wonder what he is up to, is when I get phone calls from law enforcement or lawyers looking for him. (Turns out he is giving my number to people he owes.) I just say, "I'm the ex wife. Stop calling me."  They apologize. Then someone different starts looking for him a few weeks later. Maybe if I knew he had turned his life around I would feel the happy sadness looking back on our time together that I feel for his family. But knowing he hasn't changed one bit, I don't have those feelings for him. I don't feel connected to him one bit. 

So yes. What the officiant said this weekend was true. Yes, marriage connects families forever. No matter what happens. The silliest things will always remind me of my old family. I will always be connected to them even if it's just in my head. I might not be apart of their family, but that doesn't mean I didn't take things from them. Their parenting style, their life choices, their beliefs, how they ran their home and loved their kids. They will never know me or my family now, but they will have a impact on how I build mine. 

I started this blog because I couldn't get the thought of it off my mind after reading this woman's blog. http://www.themomentswestand.com/ I stumbled across it one evening. I read every post from the beginning two nights in a row and bawled my eyes out. I didn't sleep for two days because I couldn't put it down. How this woman has turned her tragic story into a ministry is an inspiration. Her husband and father of their 5 kids was murdered by the guy married to the woman he was having an affair with. Now she travels not only sharing her story and pain, but sharing about God. I strongly suggest reading her story. She is a wonderful writer and woman. The way she ties her faith into her story is something I wish I could do. Check her out.

With well over 3000 views in just a few months I never would have expected so much interest or support in my story or opinions. The messages I have received, and the people who have thanked me for writing and shared parts of their stories with me have really blown my mind. I'm running out of story. I can only share my opinions so many times before it becomes redundant. I could go into more detail about things, but how much is to much information? I could go into all the things that happened when I was growing up, but it would probably offend some people who don't understand how their actions affected me. So where do I go from here?

I have thought about asking some other people who have been through similar situations to share their stories as well. I don't really know where I'm going to go with this. I'm now flying by the seat of my pants. I know lots of women have things to share. Most people are very private and not as open as I am. Who knows what will happen. My heart and mind is open to any possibility. So please stick with me if my posting doesn't happen as often.

Before my divorce I was a 'real' Christian. I read my Bible regularly and prayed a lot. I cared and made an effort. It was something I was passionate about and a huge priority in my life. Leadership and ministry was something I always had some part in wherever I was. When my divorce started happening I might not have  fallen away from my faith, but I fell away from the church and my personal relationship with God.

I mentioned previously my panic attacks when I would try to head to church. And my feelings that everyone was judging me. Reading my Bible frustrated me to no end because there wasn't anything about what I was going through. It felt so impersonal. I wanted to read something about an abusive husband and read exactly what God wanted me to do. I heard God in my prayers speak to me and give me peace. But I wanted something tangible to prove divorcing my husband was ok so others would believe me. I was very angry in my pain. After I got over my anger I had no desire to be a Christian. I didn't care. I felt all Christians were fake. I realized recently why I felt that. I have had multiple experiences when I have tried to be real and vulnerable at church, I was told to keep quiet. 

*When I was in Jr high at church I tried to share with my small group leader about some hard things I was dealing with. She responded with, "I know your grandfather. Your family is perfect." I don't care how wonderful and amazing my grandparents are, no family is perfect. 

*When I was working at a summer camp after my senior year of high school and the director found out I had moved out of my parents house. He told me I was wrong and he probably wouldn't hire me full time the next year because of it. He never asked me why I moved out. (10 years later, I still without a shadow of a doubt know I wasn't wrong)

*I was leading a small group of freshman in college. One of our lessons was on God's goodness. I was dealing with some tough stuff and I wasn't really feeling God's goodness at the time but I believed He was. I opened it and explained what I was going through and why I was having trouble feeling that and I didn't want lead the discussion because I would feel I was faking it. It was honestly the best small group discussion I ever 'led'. Because I was honest about my life and doubts, everyone else felt they could be too. One of the staff members happened to be there. She told me later I should not have done that. Because as a leader I had to be all "put together" in front of them. That was the end of  both me AND my co-leader being apart of that ministry. 

Since I got over my intense anger I had been going through the motion. Jason and I joined a church we both loved. We got into a small group. We were volunteering. I want Peyton to be raised in a Christian home. But I just couldn't bring myself to put in any effort. I still didn't care.

I won't go into the details, but a few weeks ago at our church our pastor and his wife got up and shared personal details of how they were not perfect. It was the first time in my 27 years of being in church that the pastor did not just claim to be a sinner, he shared the ugly details. He was 100% transparent. The leadership of the church spoke after him and said, "he is still our pastor, we still love him, we will stand by him. We will move forward."

The next week his wife preached on the dark valleys we go through in our lives. She called us to all be people who confessed to each other our struggles and failures. At the end of the service they had some staff standing up if anyone wanted to confess or ask for prayer. For the first time in a long time I heard God speak to me. God was telling me to stop floating, get back to working and being passionate about my relationship with him. It was time to stop watching everyone else be Christians, and start being one. I was now in a place that wouldn't shun me for not always saying the 'correct' answer. 

Jason and I wanted to just make things legal at the court house. His family was to excited. They had sat and watched him crumble after his ex-wife decided one day she didn't want to be married and refused to speak to him again. They always hoped, but never expected he would trust anyone again. When I came into the picture everyone welcomed me with open arms and told me how happy they were to see Jason fall in love again. They kept telling me they always knew he wanted kids and a family, but they never thought they would see it happen for him. They were just as excited as I was to see Jason become a father. 

With how important family is to Jason and I, it went from a courthouse elopement, to a backyard wedding to an actual small ceremony at a local park. Honestly it was perfect. My brother got ordained and he preformed our shortest ceremony in the world. We wrote our own vows. That was important to us being we were a unique situation. Standard vows just didn't seem right.

I was not nervous at all. I had one minute of worry as I was hiding behind the trees waiting on it to start. Did I really want to legally tie myself to someone again, after how my last one destroyed my life? Was I stupid? Then I remembered I was marrying Jason. I didn't have one doubt that he was who I was suppose to marry. 

No one imagines their dream wedding being the second time around. Much less when they are 8 months pregnant. It wasn't ideal. We had plans of eloping to the beach, but getting pregnant changed that plan. It was the perfect way for us to start our lives officially married.  we were able to tie Peyton into our vows. I didn't stress about anything. Everything was laid back and casual. I think having a small wedding was the best option. I have none of the regrets we might have had if we had gone and signed papers at the courthouse. I'm one blessed woman.

I grew up in the homeschool Christian bubble. I fought the bubble and the views of that crowd. I saw many different parenting views from one extreme to the other as I grew up I saw what happens when the kids become adults.I have therefore formed opinions, and ideas of how I think is best. However,I have only been a parent for 14 months. I'm not an expert. I am scared to death we are going to screw up our daughter.

I heard a man speaking about how domestic violence is a men's issue, not a women's problem. We raise boys to believe girls are inferior. Saying things like, "toughen up", "you throw like a girl" teaches boys are better than girls. Boys are discouraged from showing emotion or crying when they are younger, they are only allowed to get angry. The mindset of men who attack and abuse women starts when they are little. We need to teach our sons to appreciate the femininity of girls, and respect their point of view from a young age. If we don't teach our sons how to respect girls, who will? 

On the flip side we need to teach our daughters that they are precious and show them how they should be treated. If they aren't taught when they are little and developing how they should be treated, they will not have good standards of how their boyfriends should be treating them. 

The recent cheating site hack that exposed a conservative Christian celeb has been all over social media. A woman posted her response on Facebook and it blew up. I have never read something I agree with as much as her post. I couldn't find the post when I went back to look for it. Her line, "I will raise my daughters to believe she breathes fire" has really stuck with me. 

In her post she's basically explains why this celebrities wife will never divorce her lying cheating husband. She has no education, no experience and was raised to believe she is inferior to her husband. She believes it's her job to stand by her husband quietly and take care of his house and kids with no opinions. That's all she knows, it's how she was raised. When she should be taking her kids and running from him, she can't. She believes him cheating was her fault. Her family, her friends, and her faith will shun her for divorcing him, not him for having multiple affairs. When problems arise it's the women's fault never the mans. My heart breaks for her. Where in the Bible does it show this is how marriage and women should be treated? Where does it show to treat girls as they are not valuable? 

I don't think women are more important as men. We are equally important and valuable. In my marriage, Jason values me and my opinions just as much as I value his. It's an equal partnership. When Christian men quote  "wives submit to your husband". They fail to keep reading the rest of the chapter where if goes into length about how a man should love and cherish his wife. When he treats her with love and honor, he will have earned her respect. If a woman submits to a man who doesn't respect her opinion and feelings, it's a breeding ground for an abusive situation.

My sister started her first real relationship over the summer. I love new exciting love. I'm so excited for my sister. She had some concerns. We stayed up most of the night talking about relationships and boys. Girl talk and giggles all night long is something I love, and talking about boys is even more fun.  New love is exciting and fun, but also scary and risky.

If there is someone who seems to be everything you could want in a spouse, but you don't have the romantic feelings for, give it a chance to see if the passion grows. Most relationships that just start off with intense passion without a foundation of something substantial, fizzle out and don't last. (Not saying they don't work out, Jason and I started off as a passionate whirlwind.) My sister in law said when my brother asked her out she didn't have a single reason to tell him no, and as their relationship grew and got to know each other, so did their romantic feelings and passion. It was the other end of the spectrum with Jason and I. We both knew at first sight we wanted forever with each other and all the feelings were there from the beginning.

Two completely different ways to fall in love. Does that mean one way is more correct than the other? No. Does one of our relationships have more love than the other? Nope. Some people have a defining moment when they know for a fact they fall in love. Others slowly realize it over time. It seems to my people fall in love the opposite of how they will expect it to happen. The real thing will challenge every view and expectation you ever had a lot love.

It is scary to have a friendship that you might lose if something goes south romantically. But counter to that, it could be the best thing to ever happen to you. What if you try to make something work with someone who seems interesting, but it doesn't work out. It seems conservative Christians value marrying the first person you date. It's special if it works out that way, but, that's not always good. Breaking up with a boyfriend is way easier then trying to force a relationship with a person you never should marry in the first place. Don't be afraid to break off a relationship if it's not right. Relationships will always be a risk and scary. No risk=no reward.

In my first marriage we never fought. I see now it's because Sam did not have convictions, not because we were the 'perfect' couple. When it came to how things were done everything was always done my way. Sometimes I wish Jason didn't care about things so much or have so many opinions so I can do things my way. Then I remember how great it is that I have a man that cares about the small details as well as the big issues. I'll take fighting with a man who has strong opinions but works hard to achieve our goals then a man who does it my way but doesn't work for it.

I fail. Jason fails. We both fail. However that never changes our our feelings and commitment to each other or our relationship. After one of our fights and ignoring the other for a day. I said, "still love me?" He said, "Yes, know how I know? Because no one could make me as angry as you can." Maybe I'm nuts. But that's one of the sweetest things ever to me.

I had to have my best friend come be a witness to verify everything I said was true. Jason also had to come say he was claiming Peyton as his, and he would accept all financial responsibility for her. I hated asking a friend to help me. It's not the kind of thing you sign up to do as a friend. Especially after everything she had already done for me. I was also mad Jason had to come. He had to sit there through my case, then claim Peyton's financial responsibility. No one could ever think Jason would run out on his child, but I had to get him to legally claim Peyton in order to get my divorced finalized. 

(Side note: There are so many single moms doing it alone with out emotional or financial support from a man claiming the children. Why can't a women get divorced when she is pregnant with the excuse of someone needs to claim the baby?)

We all had arrived, we sat and waited. I had no idea if Sam would show up. I knew he knew when and where. What would happen if he did show? We were all sworn in and still no sign of him. I was relieved, but still nervous he might arrive late. Luckily for me we were the only case that day so there wasn't an audience. When I was called to the stand and answered his basic questions I wanted to interrupt and scream. I wanted to explain to the judge that it wasn't my fault. I was a victim, I wanted to tell him everything Sam had done while we were married. But I was only allowed to answer yes or no. So the judge, police officers, and the girl taking notes all saw a 8 month pregnant woman get on the stand and divorce her absent husband while another man claimed the child.

I was embarrassed. These people didn't know the story. They didn't know why. They didn't know the details of what he had put me through and how he had shattered my heart. It wasn't my fault I had found my soulmate during those two years and we were so ecstatic to finally have a child and life we both had wanted for years.

After we all were on the stand and questioned the judge looked at me and said. "I'm going to grant you your divorce. Good luck." He has so much sarcasm in his voice when he told me good luck. I was angry. I didn't need luck, but I know how it looked to him.  Jason told me he probably didn't think anything of me. That he sat there all day long divorcing people, so he was really cynical about relationships.

I didn't shed a tear that day. I wasn't sad. I hadn't been married to Sam for two years. Nothing changed in the way I felt about him or viewed our relationship because nothing had changed. Instead I was relieved. I had never felt more free and relaxed in my entire life. All the weight in the world was finally off my shoulders. 

Jason and I literally walked across the street from the court house to the office to apply for our marriage license right after that. We laugh about the strangeness of it often. Jason wanted to ask the guy who sold us out license how many couples had just come from divorce court. I told him not to make more strangers judge us.

I grew up abused sexually and mentally. I don't say this to accuse or try to hurt my abusers. No, I won't mention any names or any details that would tie back to them. I promise whoever you are thinking, you are wrong. I'm not writing for revenge or to hurt other people. I write this to help others in similar situations. Or people who don't have a clue and don't understand why some people act the way they do. I read so many self help books but none of them ever helped me. So I feel the need to share my process. 

Through my traumatic experiences I had taught my mind to shut down and block out what was happening. I got very good at it. So good that most of those moments I did not remember until I was married and I started having flash backs.  Before then I honestly had no memory of what happened until something would feel 'similar'. The memories came flooding back and I had severe panic attacks. I was to remember what happened and learn to deal with it.  Even this week I remembered an event that I had repressed. 

Sex was excruciatingly painful. I knew the first time was suppose to hurt and be uncomfortable. But it never got better. When I mentioned to my Dr it wasn't possible, she sent me to sex physical therapy. It took several months for me to get up the nerve to go. But I'm glad I did. I'll spare the details, but if you are having these issues ask your doctor. The first question the therapist asked was if I was abused. She said most of her patients are sexual abuse victims. They build up scar tissue that won't stretch like its suppose too. This can happen even to girls who were never touched inside. 

Sex was physically possible after I finished the therapy. I didnt just not enjoy it, I hated it. I still had panic attacks. We had figured out how to just get it done to try for a baby. We thought that once I had a baby it would fix itself (because of things the dr had told me about my issue). Looking back It seems I knew something was still very wrong with my marriage. Even if I couldn't put my finger on what it was. My mind was still in survival mode and shutting down to protect myself.

I felt Sam just gave up. He acted like he did not care we had a sexless marriage. Looking back he probably didn't want to push me to open up to him when he was hiding so much from me. After we split up I told myself I wouldn't marry again unless we had worked through my sex issue together. I didn't want another relationship that lacked sex. It's a very important aspect of a relationship. I needed a man who was willing to encourage and push me through to help me learn sex is a good thing. If the whole world is obsessed with sex it had to be a good thing. I wanted it. 

Jason was that man. He didn't understand even though he tried. He would get frustrated and mad. But that's ok, cause I would get just as mad and frustrated. We did not just brush it under the rug. We worked hard on it and talked it to death. It didn't take as long as I thought it would. My mind still reverts back and remembers things I had repressed and I shut down. Jason is not a man I need to protect myself from. I refuse to be with Jason when my mind is shutting down, I want to be present with him in the moment, I don't need to fear him. One thing he would always say to me when I was panicking, "it's just you and me" he would talk to me so all I would hear was his voice and could focus on him. When we got our promise rings that engraved on the inside of his. My panic attacks get fewer and father between the longer we are together. 

Sexual abuse is real. It's tough. There is much more to it than the actually act being raped. If you have never been abused in that way you can't fully understand how it impacts every aspect of your life, not just the physical. The statistics are high, most people have been abused in some way. So you are not alone. It is not your fault. You do not need to be ashamed. There is ways to get help. You can get through it and be a survivor instead of a victim. PTSD is real and hard to deal with, it's ok to need help.

Another aspect of abuse is mental and emotional. It frustrates me to no end that it's not a kind of relationship that can be legally stopped. It's one persons word against another. It can't be proven. But it happens. It's harder to get help. Most cases you don't even realize it's happening before its to late. You don't have to go through it alone. You can share what's happening with a friend or other adult. They can walk through it with you even if there isn't a way to get you out of the situation. 

Because Sam and I signed a covenant marriage license I couldn't divorce him when I wanted to. There was stipulations. We had to be separated for two years. We had to go to counseling. All because he didn't hit me or have sex with someone else.

My lawyer asked me every time we talked if I had any reason to believe Sam was cheating on me. He said every time he sees a situation like mine, there is no way Sam was faithful to me. I had no reason to think that. If I knew what I knew now, I would have dug deeper.  But I was tired of searching for answers. Tired of looking for things that would break my heart more. 

I did everything I needed to do. I had my counseling done. (He never showed up for his part.) We couldn't live separately because the judge put him under house arrest in my home because that was his legal address. My lawyer said it was not be a problem. Fast forward a year I had gone through the toughest part of grieving process. I had everything done with my lawyer, i just had to wait until it has been two years. I dealt it all the best way I could. 

Sam signed the divorce papers. I was pregnant but wasn't sure if he knew. I wore a jacket. Not because I wanted to hide Peyton, but this was not the place he needed to find out if he hadn't already heard through the grapevine. Jason came for my protection, with all the drama and hateful things Sam had said and done, Jason wasn't letting me and his baby be alone with him. He sat in the car and waited while we went in and had everything notarized just in case I needed him. No problems.

Fast forward a few months and my lawyer forgot I was pregnant so we needed different papers. The judge would not grant a pregnant woman a divorce without someone to claim my child. No problem. Except for the fact Sam had moved out of town to live with his parents. I had to get my brothers to take it to him to get notarized. He did, but he printed it on cartoon paper. My lawyer obviously couldn't use that. When I told Sam to try again, he tried to fight me. He said we never did counseling  (he never showed up). That it hadn't been two years. (I counted from the day I found out. Legally I could have said it was the last time we had sex and moved the date way up.) I very firmly told him that he had already signed all the divorce papers. This new paper just said that he was not the father of my child. So if he didn't sign it, the judge would make him pay child support. 

He signed the papers that day. Everything was ready. I had been ready for two years. I just had a few more days to wait.

I started reading romance novels. (Not because I wanted to, because those are the books that are free on iBooks)  It's so easy to hold when I rock Peyton to sleep or on breaks at work. I always have my phone. I don't always carry books around. Everyone has got crazy annoying on social media with their politics, religion and selling things. I couldn't stand it anymore. 

I remember growing up being taught romance novels were bad. "Christians shouldn't read those". Their argument being it gives girls unrealistic expectations of men. I understand the point of view because I was raised in the conservative Christian bubble. But truthfully I think it's a bit silly. High expectations are good, as long as you understand no man will be live up to them. If we taught young adults to expect the best, but know there will be failures. I think less young women would settle for the first guy who gives them attention. Instead they would actually wait for the guy who is going to treat them with respect. When you grow up hearing fairy tales and love stories are not real life, you don't wait for true love. You take what you get.

After I left my husband I mentioned a had several flings. My best friend got a new boyfriend she wanted me to meet. I have known her since 3rd grade we knew each other through all of our boy stages. I have never seen her more happy and alive. She was more Nancy then I had ever seen her. We had dinner together and had a fabulous time. I could tell in the first few minutes of meeting Stoney they had one of those once in a life time loves. I can't put my finger on what it was, but I knew he was the real deal. After dinner he decided it was time for them to set me up with one of his friends. We all went bowling and the guys planned a weekend on the lake. We texted the few weeks leading up to our planned weekend (I lived out of town). Him and I both knew nothing would ever happen between us, we were just two people hanging out with mutual friends. I  can't put my finger on it exactly but in the way he treated me that weekend I knew that true love was out there somewhere for me. I did not have an ounce of hope there was a man who could be my knight in shinning armor until that weekend. He was out there somewhere, I wasn't going to ever settle again.

I enjoy getting lost in romantic stories. I believe with all my heart that Jason is my soul mate and one true love. Every time I see him my heart smiles and I get warm fussy feelings and butterfly's described in cheesy romance books. (Those feelings I was taught as a kid aren't real). I love that we work in the same place, every time I walk past him my heart smiles. When I just hear his voice over the intercom I can't help but relax at the sound of his voice. Is our story of how we met was crazy controversial and weird. But it was our's and looking back it is perfect. I can't imagine how it could have been better. I remember talking to Nancy on the phone really soon after Jason and I got together. I told her, "I found my Stoney." 

If I could tell young adults anything. It would be to wait for the real deal. If you have any doubts if it's real or just convenient. Wait.

Jason had told me he didn't want to get involved with a married women. I respected that. Once he slowly started learning more about why I was still married and my situation, he realized he wouldn't be in the way of two people working on their struggling marriage. Then he changed how he treated me. He started pursuing me.

Jason was one of the people who helped me move. He stayed after everyone else headed home to help me get the furniture where I wanted it. He left after I took him out to lunch for helping me. He texted me later that day to ask how I was doing. I was honest and told him not good. I felt with him I could share how I was feeling and processing my divorce. Because he had gone through it, I knew he would understand. I was nervous about being alone in a very sketchy neighborhood. He offered to come over and bring some movies to help me feel safer. (He lived 40 min away)

We laid on separate sides of the couch, and when the last movie was over he made a move. That was the single greatest kiss in the history of the world if I do say so myself. Even to this day I will smile and tell him to kiss me like the first time. He always responds with, "that's a lot to live up to." 

He went home that night, then came back the next day. From that moment on he never left. We were only apart when we went to work, which ironically is the same place. We didn't sleep much for two weeks because we stayed up just talking. We shared our stories, past hurts and failures and future dreams. It was so strange, this was a man I hardly knew, yet he understood me deeper than anyone ever. I shared with him him details about my abuse I never told anyone before.

Two weeks into our relationship Jason asked me if we were exclusive. I responded with, "When do you have time for anyone else?" That was the end of that.

A few days later I told him I wanted to say something, but was scared it was to soon and creepy. He responded with, "I love you too"

To be perfectly honest, if I hadn't been 'married' we would have gone off and eloped in the first month we were together. So we planned to go to the court house the week after my divorce went through. We got a full year to get to know each other and even though we had no doubts, we were able to know this is real not just a passing feeling.  

He gave me a beautiful pink ring that his mothers gave him for me as a promise ring. He told me he didn't want to officially propose until my divorce was final. But in our minds we were already married, we made those promises to each other. I got him a promise ring as well. The legal side didn't matter to us. We would make it official when we could. 

After several months we had the baby talk. We both always wanted kids. We were as ready as we could ever be. We decided to stop preventing and start trying. We assumed it could be years because of how long it took me to get pregnant before. We had no expectations. First month of trying we were pregnant. If that's not a miracle or sign from God I don't know what is. I took one test at night and it was vague. I took another one the next morning while Jason was still asleep. I crawled back into bed and told him it was positive. He wrapped his arms around me and said, "I told you I have bad ass swimmers, now go back to sleep."

Our relationship isn't by the book. It's a little crazy. We had tons of judgment. It probably didn't help we worked together. We got even more when we got pregnant. I wanted to wear a shirt everyday that said, "this wasn't an accident". It was tough hearing criticism. I even had one person we work with suggest an abortion. I should have slapped her. Jason and I have never been more confident in anything. I wasn't going to put my life on hold waiting for a piece of paper from a judge.

I remember the first day I laid eyes on Jason. I was working at a different store during their expansion. I remember seeing him and he looked up and smiled at me. He said, "You are doing great here." I thought it was strange. He worked back in the frames dept, He didn't know what I was doing. But something about that exchange I knew he was a special man. I thought to myself, "If I could go back and start all over. He would be the kind of man I would want to marry." That freaked me out, as far as I knew at that moment I was happily married. I hadn't the foggiest clue about this guy, that was our first conversation. 

Fast forward several months. I had transferred to that store. Every time I would walk past him he would smile and talk to me. He was friendly to everyone, I didn't think anything of it.

Almost as soon as I transferred stores is when Sam and I split up. One of the times I walked past the frames table one of the ladies asked me a question about my husband. I told her we were getting divorced. She apologized for asking. Jason was standing there and when I walked off I heard him tell her, "she hasn't been wearing her rings for a few days." What kind of a guy notices the day a woman takes off her wedding ring? Why was he paying attention to me? 

I asked Jason about it after we got together. he said he noticed me the first day I was there and was excited that our boss finally hired a cute girl. Then he saw I was wearing a wedding ring and thought, "typical, all the good ones are taken."

My friends I had made there knew I thought Jason was the kind of guy I wanted to marry and that I had a crush. They told me he flirted with me different then him just being nice to everyone. I knew I was not acting like the kind of girl he would ever consider. Any hints I would drop about how I was dating and available, he ignored. We would go eat together when our lunch breaks were at the same time. Every time we went he would always drive, open doors and pray before we ate. It was so odd to me. He was a co worker, he didn't know me at all. And every time he would pray for me about very specific things and ask about how I was doing. Never once did he ever say or do anything that caused me to think he cared any more than just being a co-worker friend.

One day I worked up the nerve to ask him out. I asked him to go see Batman with me. I hadn't seen it yet, and it is my favorite super hero. He said sure, and we made plans. I had never asked a guy out before. It was a rush. (I recommend all girls do it if they have the chance.) He texted me that afternoon and made me think he forgot. Then at the last min he told me he was kidding. He showed up a few minutes late, I had already bought our tickets because I HATE being late to movies. (An argument we still have everytime we go see a movie) I felt someone could have cut the tension with a knife through the whole movie. He walked me to my car and opened and shut my door for me. About an hour after I got home he texted me and said, "sorry if things are weird. I really like you, but I'm a bad guy. I would hurt you. My ex wife cheated on me. I won't do that to someone else."

That was completely respectable. I understood. I didn't for a second believe he was a bad guy though. Obviously nothing was going to happen, and not long after that I started dating the other guy. However I couldn't keep my mind off Jason. Somehow without him doing a thing, he had worked his way into my heart. I was in love. But I knew with the way I was living, I would never deserve him.  

The year we had to be roommates we split all the bills in half. That was one of the reasons we couldn't get separate places, one of us couldn't afford it on our own. It really was no surprise when he didn't pay his half for the last few months. I of course kept track of what he owed me and he kept telling me he would get my money to me. One day after we had moved out he met me at the bank with a check for it all. I should have demanded he go in and get me cash but I told him if it bounced I would turn him in. He promised it was good. I deposited it. It bounced. But not after it had cleared in my account for a week. My account went under despite me calling the bank saying it hadn't been pending for several days before I spent it. (I booked a cruise with the money, something I always wanted to do but thought was impossible.)

When I found out, I cried. Not because he had lied to me me again, but because I fell for it. The guy broke into my car to steal my debit card, and I was stupid enough to trust him again. I turned him in. Lucky for me he wrote in the memo it was for bills, otherwise they couldn't have done anything. It took several months, but I got my check from the police for my money. 

I decided then I would never allow him to affect me, I didn't even shed a tear the day I got divorced. (I'll get into later). He doesn't deserve to be able to control me or my emotions. He continued doing things that were despicable, but I learned to expect it, laugh at his ridiculousness and get on with my life. I taught myself to expect lies, and not be blinded by wanting to believe he had changed. He will never change.

I can imagine only one reason I would ever be affected. What will I feel when he moves on, if he changes and settles down with someone else. I hope he does turn into a responsible adult and finds the happiness I have found. But I will wonder what it is about her that I didn't have. Why wasn't I enough for him? I'm a woman, we always compare ourselves. Those feelings will happen it's a fact. I just have to keep reminding myself that his issues are not my fault. It was never something I brought upon myself.