She Found Her Wings

Most people don't realize they are in abusive relationships. Or they don't want to admit it because once a person admits it, then they need to do something about it. I'm not a professional therapist. I'm just a girl who has been through it (not just with my ex husband, but other people in my life as well) and I have a heart for those hurting in this way. Sometimes I hear people mention little things about their relationship to me. I wonder if it is a cry for help or if they are just talking. It's hard to walk up to someone and ask them if they need help if you aren't 100% sure. Either they wouldn't know what you are talking about, or they will get mad and defensive. People don't like talking about it. So if you know me and ever want to talk about it, please do. I would love to grab a coffee and listen. I complied a list of signs from my life, and from all my reading and studying other smarter people's opinions. 

-You have communication problems. Your feelings are never heard. It's always about them. Do you completely avoid topics? Do you spend more time figuring out how to word something than actually having the conversation?

-You make excuses for them about the way they treat you. All relationships have times when one is going through a difficult or stressful time. At that time yes the other partner might not be on their best behavior towards those closest to them. But stress at work, family or friends should never be an excuse to tear down your partner. There is a huge difference between discussing a issue your partner has in order to help them be better, and tearing them apart for every little thing.

-Between the times they are tearing you down are they overly nice to you? It's confusing. One day they can be screaming and hate you. But the next it's overly sweet and romantic. 

-They never admit they have a problem. The way you feel is always your fault. Sometimes the way they treat you is so minor it's hard to verbalized without feeling like you are being petty, so it's easy to believe you are the issue. 

-They won't see a therapist with you, or they fake who they are for the therapist. It's very normal to have issues. Needing some therapy or a third party to talk with is not a bad thing. It's a huge red flag if your partner will not go to counseling with you. Your partner should be willing to work on whatever needs to be worked on for a successful marriage. If one is unhappy, the other should be willing to figure out why and how to help.

-You constantly feel you are walking on eggshells. If you say or do one slightly 'wrong' thing it will cause a war. They will manipulate anything you say against you. Basically no matter how hard you try, there will be a fight and nothing you say will ever be right.

-They are obsessed with control. They have to get their way and run every aspect of both m your lives. If they are not getting their way, they make everyone around them miserable.

-They have no empathy, for you or your feelings or anyone else's. The only thing that matters is how they feel. And if you are the one with a crisis in your life, they will somehow turn it around to their crisis. You will then be comforting and taking care of them when you are the one needing comfort.

-There is a 'dark cloud' over you too. When people are around you they can feel the tension. They don't like it, so most people avoid both of you. Normally people close to you can more objectively see there is a problem before the ones involved because their emotions aren't tied to it. It's hard to tell someone you love you think they are being abused. It's easier to pull away from that person then have a hard conversation that might be taken badly.

-Is your relationship 50/50? Common marriage advice is that marriages are 100/100. When one person is having a issue (like a sickness or loss of a job) the other should pick up the slack. Get a job, do more around the house. Because in life pretty sure eventually the tables will turn and your partner will pick up your slack when you are sick or out of work. In a healthy marriage both work hard to do everything for the other. But if your partner doesn't put in their half, but they expect you to put in not just your half, but their half too. An abusive relationship is more like 100/0.  

If you feel these describe your relationship. You need help. Your partner needs help. However if they will not admit it and refusing help. There is nothing you can do. It's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve them to treat you this way. You have probably spend many years convincing yourself that it is normal. Many people believe because they married them means they have to stay married and deal with it. Each person has to get to the point where they feel leaving is right. People can tell them that they need to leave. But if they didn't make that decision for themselves, they will end up taking them back. I know, as someone who lived with an abusive person for years it's not easy. There will be some hard months after you've made the decision and leave. But there is a great deal of real joy and freedom you will experience after freeing yourself from the chains of an abusive relationship. 

Everyone has scars from their past that affects their present. Some scars are huge and noticeable. Some are so small you have to look hard to see it. 

Not sure if I have mentioned it much, but Jason was married before as well. He didn't sign up to have his past broadcast over the Internet, so I'll keep it short and sweet. He had to get in his ex's purse once and found  something that made him suspect something terrible. It was a total blindside. He wanted to do the work and fix whatever the issues were. But shortly after that she demanded a divorce. And was never willing to speak to him after that. It destroyed him; it was a total blindside. The people who knew him at that time have shared with me how tough it was for him. Jason and I discussed to great lengths what he thinks went wrong and why she left. Since she never really talked to him, all he can do is speculate. Which I think he speculated correctly. But nothing concrete, so that's all I will share.

His divorce was so long ago (he was getting divorced as I was getting married, I find that ironic) that when we ran into her recently, he said he had no feelings of any kind. It was like any other old acquaintance he might have run into. But that doesn't mean he doesn't still have scars from his nightmare. He will not under any circumstance look in my purse. I asked him about it one day after we had been together a while. I had noticed that he would never get me anything out of my purse, he would instead bring it to me. I told him tampons are in the side zipper, so if that was what he was scared of, he could avoid them. He shared with me the details of what he found in his ex's purse. I don't push him about it, it's not really even a big deal. But knowing how his ex made him feel emotionally. From what he has told me, and his moms and sisters. I know that I need be aware of how I treat him and make sure I never do anything to make him feel the way him and his family felt with her. 

When it comes to dealing with a spouses past scars I defiantly have an easier load than Jason. Jason has got to deal with my severe panic disorder. From what happened to me as a child sexually and emotionally, and then trying to work through abuse issues with someone who was in the process of abusing me really messed with my brain. While I'm over Sam, and moved on, my scars don't go away. My attacks are getting fewer and farther between. But sometimes something will trigger and I can't control it. I literally can't breathe, I can't stop shaking, I can't think rationally.

Generally I can understand why something has triggered an attack and know why it's irrational. Part of my therapy was learn to separate myself from the situation and look at it from a different perspective. Generally my triggers are something finance related. Or an unknown phone call. A situation that makes me uncomfortable, or one that reminds me of the life I had when I was married to Sam. 

Just yesterday we were driving home from our Valentine outing. Jason got pulled over for speeding. Unfortunately our insurance cards are out of date. We have insurance. It comes out automatically every month but for some reason we never got an updated card last time. No big deal, just got to call and correct it and get the new cards. Jason went to the store a little later. I was cooking him dinner, candles, the whole romantic Valentine thing. I called him and I thought when I heard him get in the car that meant he was on his way home. So I set the food to be ready as soon as he walked in the door. A few minutes after he should have been home I plated the food and pored the wine. I called him about 7 times. No answer. He was now way past 20 minutes later than it takes to get from the store to our house.  Basically I believed he was dead on the side of the road. Or I was going to get a call saying I needed to get to the hospital immediately. Then suddenly I remembered the encounter with the police and we couldn't show proof of our insurance. What if he had not been paying our bills and realizing he was about to get caught he ran off? Then I was going to be sitting in a hospital with a dying husband finding out he was lying to me too.

Jason finally called me back. I thought he was on his way home. But he had made another stop. NOW he was on his way home. I was in tears, Peyton was so confused. I thought when I answered the phone it would be a police officer saying they took him to the hospital. Later that night I told Jason why I got so worked up. He died laughing at the complete ridiculous story I had made up. First of all, our bank account says, "Allstate" when the money comes out. How could he fake that. Secondly, we HAVE to have insurance because we are still paying for our jeep or they would come repossess our car. I had a good laugh too. We only laughed bout it because in the emotional moment I did not accuse him of anything, because I knew I was completely insane. He has learned when I say and feel things like that, I'm not comparing him to Sam or accusing him of lying, but Im just very damaged. 

Jason and I speak completely different languages. We've had difficulties communicating at times. And it causes arguments. But we've learned in the end we are generally saying the same thing. (Worlds most brilliant couple right here) there are many times I feel he is hiding something from me. Or that he doesn't love me anymore. He gets upset because he thinks I am being ridiculous. (I generally am. See above story) It took a while for us to learn how to talk to each other in these moments. But I think we are figuring out how to communicate better. And help each other in our insecurities, without fighting or saying something to make it worse.

I have NEVER gone back and listened to a sermon again. I did last week. This whole series's our pastor is going through really is what Christianity is about. No sugar coating, real life is tough and painful. Honestly I recommend everyone listen to the whole series. But especially if you are hurting and wondering how Christianity fits in to your feelings. If you just pick one just listen to the "When God disappoints us." At the end of the sermon I loved the response questions he had us think about. 

http://gracepointchurch.net/media/video_messages/

I thought I was going to have a long beautiful marriage from a young age just like my grandparents. Full of life, love, children and ministry. 

I have a real once in a life time love and beautiful family not just one made to look pretty on the outside. My ministry opportunities are endless with the things I have gone through. My attitude and perspective is better. More understanding and grounded in reality.

I hope you listened to the sermons. Through out the series I have been reminded that while I went through my trails I did not have the kind of attitude I should have had. I gave up on God. I blamed him and accused him of being a liar. I did some really stupid things. But God never gave up on me no matter how I acted towards Him. It took me a while to be able to see how God was still saving me, but he never left me. He was still being good to me even though I felt He was the one attacking me. Leaving Sam was not something I could have done on my own. God gave me the strength to do it. And my bitter angry attitude I had, it suddenly changed. Not my anything I did. I was happy to remain sorry for myself for the rest of my life. God rescued me from being bitter and miserable.

People make jokes about me. I'm not complaining, I like jokes. And if you can't laugh at yourself what can you laugh at? I'm the 'bad influence', 'crazy friend'. Not someone you would ask for advise. I can't deny it. I did some really stupid things. I'm not ashamed of anything I did. I don't try to hide the dumb things I did. Maybe in sharing how silly I was and how bad I failed, someone else won't do the same thing I did. And next time I face a heartbreaking trial, hopefully I will have the correct attitude. Because I have seen His love and faithfulness in my past trials, I will be able to hope and trust He will do the same in my future.