She Found Her Wings

I remember what would have been my five year anniversary with Sam. I had planned a 5 year party. It would celebrate our coming out the other side of our struggles together. But there was no party. Instead I was alone in a empty house. We were going through a nasty divorce and I was an emotional wreck. I was hurting more than I could have ever imagined. I took the day off work, wallowed, cried, drank, and I cuddled my puppy. This past week we would have celebrated ten years. What a difference time and healing makes. I treated myself to fancy coffee on the way to work. No tears this day, it was actually a fantastic day. After work we had a family dinner out and some shopping. 

I have most of everything deleted on social media of my life with Sam because of the “on this day” feature. I don’t want to be reminded of that time. And honestly a lot of my posts looking back I see the lies I believed and it makes me mad how blinded by love I was. (Did everyone see it but me? Or were we all fooled?) I had been tagged in wedding pictures ten years ago that popped up this week. It was nice to look back and see. I loved my dress, my friends and the memories. But it was also a little sad looking back and knowing it was all a big lie.  I wish I could know what the hell was going through his mind in the pictures I saw this week. Because I am no longer emotionally attached to Sam or the situation I am able to look back without is destroying my emotional health.

Unlike my broken hearted five year “anniversary” this year I was able to look back and what my life could have been, and I be grateful for being able to get out. I don’t think remembering my past is bad. Certain dates were always important to me, I won’t and can’t just forget those dates. Look at my life now. It’s a dream come true. Sure there are issues with my life, marriage and family like everyone else’s, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. If I hadn’t been through what I experienced, I wouldn’t appreciate what I have as much.

When I was a kid I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a professional dancer. I had the teachers behind me telling me I could do it. My life was planned in my head. But when I developed juvenile bunions that all changed. My Dr said I had to stop dancing. I refused. All dancers had feet problems and pain. It came with the territory. I lived with it for years just lots of pain pills. (With the Drs directions) Then one summer at dance camp I realized my bunions had gotten so bad I couldn't even do a single turn. The youngest kids there were doing triples and  crazy stuff and my balance was so off from my deformed feet I couldn't do the simplest thing without falling out of it. It was humiliating and heart breaking. I could handle the pain, I'm tough. But you can't fake balance. 

I laid in bed for about 6 months mad at the world while I recovered from two reconstructive surgeries. I struggled with God. I had these plans, what was I going to do now. I didn't have a clue. I had no purpose or reason to live. Eventually I got a strong feeling of peace and clarity that could only be from God. The purpose for my life is to be a mother and to help with the youth in some sort of way. 

That was good and all. But it doesn't give me a direction to work towards career wise. Being a mom doesn't pay the bills. You don't go to school to learn to hang out with teenagers. I was homeschooled. Honestly the only good thing I can say about homeschooling is I got to work full time through high school. It was a horrible experience for me. So when I got to college to get my useless degree I was so unprepared I drowned. I had no preparation or idea what I was doing. I have a great brain. I know I am not stupid, but I can't do anything scholarly because I had never had any experience or training. So after one year I dropped out. I didn't really want to, but there was no way I could have completed it. 

I got married to Sam the next year. I had a job. We had plans. I wanted to have two kids by the time I turned 30. Sam and I would be celebrating our 10 year anniversary now. And we would be youth pastors somewhere. God had told me I was going to be a mother. But we couldn't get pregnant. Then you know the rest of the story. Miscarriage and a nasty divorce.

Well I’m turning 30 tomorrow and none of what I had pictured for my life happened.  I was divorced by the time I turned 25. Most people at that age are just getting married and I was getting divorced. That “picture perfect” life I had pictured for myself didn’t happen. And I am so thankful for that. That life would have looked beautiful on the outside. But I would have felt dead and lonely. Instead I have a messy looking life. But it is real and exactly what I never knew I wanted. My messy life I now have is more beautiful than any fairytale I could ever have dreamed up.

Instead I have a real life relationship with Jason. One I never have to doubt. We have had huge fights. And sometimes we are the worst communicators. The other night we accidentally woke Peyton up with our fighting. After we finished our ‘discussion’ Jason said we needed to go in and talk to Peyton. He took the lead and told Peyton everything was ok. He explained to her that mommy and daddy sometimes fight, and apologized to her and me. And that we will always love each other. Peyton crossed her arms and said to him, “You made my mommy cry. You need to be nice to her. It’s ok mommy, I told him to be nice to you.” How we did not bust out laughing I don’t know. It didn’t matter that I was the one who might have been wrong, and may have overreacted. I totally won the “discussion” because of Peyton’s reaction. 

We got to go out last night without a kid. The first time in what seemed like forever. We got to take off our parent hats and just be complete goofballs. I texted my friends that I had forgotten how hilarious my husband could be. My life might not be the fairytale my 12 year old self pictured. But I won’t change where I am for the world. I’m excited to see what the next 30 years brings on.

One of my best friends had a baby girl just a few months before I had Peyton. We had plans of doing all the little girl things together with our princesses. Harleigh was diagnosed with Zellweger Syndrome soon after she was born. She was only with us for 5 months and 5 days. 

When I heard what she was being diagnosed with I started googling. Jason found me on the couch with my laptop crying so hard I couldn't talk. When he asked me what was going on, all I could say was, "she is going to die". It was a hard struggle for everyone to deal with the reality of the situation. I talked to my friend every day (annoyed her to death with my love haha). I was with her every chance I had. Never once did I hear her complain or blame God.

I asked my friend how she could remain so strong in her faith through all of this. I wasn't even the one dealing with it and I had basically given up on God. She said people told her stories about how they were coming back to church and their faith because of Harleigh's life. I didn't understand why wouldn't God just heal Harleigh? How much more of a testimony would God have in that situation? 

Everyone was praying for a miracle. I did for a while, but it it seemed hopeless I gave up. I didn't want to speak to God. Maybe it was a lack of faith, maybe not. I'm I don't know. All I could do was pray for my friends and their strength and their faith. I tried to be supportive and positive on the outside, but inside I was furious. I had made my way back to church and my faith without an innocent baby dying. I held onto that selfish thought for about two years. Then it hit me like a brick wall about two years after her death. An innocent baby did die for me to have faith. That baby might not have been an infant when he died. But Jesus was innocent and he died for me. Man am I selfish or what? 

My friend announced she was pregnant again. She is delivered another baby girl this summer. There were risks since it is a genetic disease. We were all scared but hopeful. We were all praying for a perfectly healthy baby. This time I was asking God for that miracle. I was begging God not to ask my friends to walk down that impossible road twice. This time I believed God would perform a miracle. I would not give up this time. And if He didn't  give us the outcome we were begging for, I was praying for everyone's faith. That we could all understand that Gods ways are better than ours. He can see the big picture, all we can see is ourselves.

Baby sister was born a week ago. Completely perfect. We serve an awesome and loving God. He always sends a rainbow after a storm.

I have struggled hard with this post. I'm not sure how much is to much to share because I want this blog to be completely anonymous. It's not about hurting someone else's reputation, but about sharing my experiences in hopes others who are hurting alone will talk to someone and get the help they need. I have been working on this one for so long, but I keep rewriting and changing it. Then I decide not to even post it at all. But I have talked to a struggling friend, I know I have to post. So sorry, for the length, and the ugly personal details. I hope my point comes across. It's my soapbox I get passionate about and ramble. 

Good people sometimes do bad things, it doesn't make them a bad person. Sometimes they might not even realize what they said or did is so wrong. I have been abused by multiple people. Maybe they knew what they were doing. But few I honestly believe they did not realize what they were doing was wrong. Everyone responds to abuse differently. I learned to disassociate myself with it. My mind would shut down and I wouldn't be there mentally. Honestly it was only when I was married and starting to have sex with Sam did I have flashbacks and even remember I was abused as a young child. 

I had this friend through preteen years who knew most of the struggles I was going through at home and how it affected me. Eventually he became my boyfriend. We told each other we loved each other. For two clueless teenagers, I believe we did love each other for the age we were. I was 16 when we had our first kiss. You can imagine what happened when you put a broken insecure girl, the deepness of our friendship, and teenage boy going through puberty. While he never forced himself on me. He never seemed to hear when I tried to tell him about how I did not like what we were doing. So I quit trying to fight him. My mind would disengage like it had trained itself to do during my childhood abuse. So wether he realized he was able to manipulate me because he knew what my insecurities were or not. (Which I don't believe he had a clue.) It doesn't matter. It happened. I lost valuable pieces of myself wasn't ready to give away.

A year after I got married my childhood abuser, drove many hours just to take me to breakfast and apologized for everything that happened. He didn't have to do this. He changed and took responsibility for his actions. Does it change what he did? Nope. But I will tell you what it did do. It made it easier for me to heal. Forgiving was easier. Which in turn made working though the issues with my counselor easier. The damage was done, the scars and issues are there that I will always deal with. I did not really respond when he apologized, I was shocked. I wasn't prepared for that. Honestly I had only recently begun to remember the abuse and at the beginning stages of working through it. I know how rare and fortunate I am to have gotten a sincere apology. But it was very much appreciated no matter how awkward it was.

I had to share a house with Sam for a year after I filed for divorce. You can only imaging the struggles involved in that. I still loved him but I was crushed by the life he was living, but I was determined to leave him because he did not love me. It was really a huge emotional mess. I did not understand how dangerous and unhealthy it was for me to stay in that house with him until I was out. I only stayed because I had no other options. Looking back, I would have done that whole situation differently. It got to the point I was locking my door at night to keep myself safe. My boss kept telling me to go to the women's shelter. But I didn't feel my life was that bad. If you are going through a divorce, it might be humiliating to have to ask a friend or family member if you can mooch off them for a while. But I promise, you need that separation.

When I started dating the guy I saw during my divorce, I was clear up front I could not do anything serious. He realized what was going on at my house and gave me his key so I had a safe place to go. He worked overnight shifts and was opposite my schedule.  As time went on I heard so many times from him, "we are adults. People are assuming we are doing it since you basically live here". Or my personal favorite, "you are my girlfriend, there are certain responsibilities you have". (Oh no he didn't!) I broke up with him. After several weeks he apologized and we started seeing each other again. Things were fine for awhile, then it wasn't fine. I don't think the he knew what he was really saying. Those statements were true, and it's how our culture thinks. But that didn't mean I was ready for that or that it made it ok for him to think that way. I don't for a second think he was a bad guy, it is just how our world functions these day. 

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do!! (Except pay your bills and clean up after yourself, sorry) I'm not saying that there will be times you just are "not in the mood", and you suck it up and do it. (Also, has anyone ever regretted getting in the mood?) Don't let anyone guilt or manipulate you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable! You don't owe anyone anything. Wether he is your boyfriend, husband or random person, I don't care if you are a grown adult and everyone else is doing it, if you don't want to do it. Don't do it. And don't stand for anyone making you feel bad about that decision. Someone using your insecurities against you to get what they want is wrong.

Guys feel their needs need to be met no matter the cost to anyone else. I have heard stories where guys are confronted by someone about taking advantage of a girl they didn't even realize there was a problem. Or like the famous Brock Turner's dad didn't want his son's future to be ruined for his 10 min of fun. I get so hot and mad when I hear stories like this because I am the other side. Girls don't have confidence or strength to say no more clearly than they already did. Or they did say no and the guy doesn't care about anything other than his desires. I personally know how Brock Turner might have only had 10 min of fun, But that poor girl will never forget, it will affect every moment of the rest of her life. 

I am ashamed of my generation for many reasons. How can we make this better for the next generation? I believe it starts at home with our kids when they are babies. Growing up I did not have a healthy love life modeled for me as I grew up. I did not have encouragement build into me to give me self confidence.  On the other hand, we need to teach our kids to respect other people and their boundaries while being sensitive to other people's comfort. No one owes them anything. I'm not a parenting expert. I don't know how to go about doing this. But I know it is a huge problem I don't want passed onto the next generation, my generation has done enough damage.

Dear friend going through a difficult divorce,

I understand what you are going through. I know how you feel. Details might look different on the outside. But deep down, it's the same hurt and devastation no one understands unless they have gone through a divorce. I get it. Since I can't do anything to make it easier, hopefully it is comforting to know someone really understands. What I can do is tell you what I wish someone had told me or what I would tell myself if I had to relive those days. 

It's ok to miss him. You prepared your whole life with him. It's normal no matter what he did.

You are not a failure just because you have a failed marriage. It takes two to be married. If Sam had actually tried to change his life. We would have made it. 

It's ok to cry. Scream. Let it out. You will feel better after I promise.

You can still be a Christian even though you are divorced. Maybe it was the church I went to. Maybe it was how I was raised. Maybe it's my bad attitude. But when I left Sam I had also just miscarried. I left God too because I was mad. I knew God had wanted me to marry Sam. Why!? I ignored God and didn't want anything to do with him. He couldn't care one bit about me if he took my baby and my husband. If I had just ran to Him instead of running away, I could have saved myself even more heartache. 

I don't regret much of anything about my marriage with Sam. I wasn't perfect, but I tried my hardest. It wasn't until we split that I had regrets. I wish I could have handled how I reacted better. I did lots of stupid unnecessary things. If I had tried to have a relationship with God to fill my empty heart instead of others, I would have much less to regret. Be careful how you act for a while. Make sure it isn't something you will regret several years down the road when you look back and think "What was I thinking? Was that even me?"

Love you!!

Last night at the event I helped coordinate for domestic violence awareness and to offer free counseling. One of the speakers was the judge who granted me my divorce. (I wrote about him in my post D-day part 2) He was a nice old man who said his wife always gets on to him for sounding mean and cynical. But he honestly doesn't try to be mean. He shared about his side of domestic violence. The domestic violence cases take a whole day every week. He tries to set up restraining orders for every victim. But most of the times the victim doesn't want one, and they end up back in his court room. He mentioned he takes detailed notes about every case and saves all his notes for the next time.

I don't know why but hearing him speak made me so emotional. I was the victim he spoke of sitting in his court room who didn't have bruises to prove her pain. I knew after the event I needed to introduce myself. After two and a half years of wishing I could have spilled my guts out to the judge about all the reasons I needed that divorce. I had the chance to share my story and how his decision had given me freedom. 

Afterwards I went up and introduced myself and told him my story. We talked for a bit. He was so glad I came up and talked to him and that everything turned out wonderful for me. He says it's hard only seeing the negative side of people's lives. He was happy my life turned out ok, and he thanked me for introducing myself. 

It's weird how that conversation with a stranger gave me closer I didn't know I was missing. I had hated the feeling that my judge didn't know why I was getting a divorce. All he knew is we had, "unreconcilable differences" and I was 9 months pregnant with another man's child. It doesn't change anything that happened in that court room two and a half years later, but it's nice to know my judge understands now what happened. 

I had a blog post I was working on. But I couldn't wrap it up. Or put the thoughts I had in my mind to print. Jason read it and felt it was a repeat of other posts (it's a lot of details about how guys take advantage of girls without even realizing it. An important topic I need to work on more). I struggled with how to word what was spinning around my head. I just wasn't getting the point I wanted across. So I decided to scrap it and start all over.

I work hard at fight my demons, and be an stable independent woman. I hate being vulnerable around people I love and trust, much less people I don't trust. I was publicly broken and raw for so long. I feel I don't deserve anymore hard days because my life is so wonderful right now. When I have them I keep it to myself. I am so blessed to be where I am in life now after such a dark road. But it did not come easy. It was hard for me, it took a lot of praying. And most of those prayers were not coming from me. 

I completely lost it at work last week and had a full blown panic attack. Several people thought me and another employee were fighting. People were talking and asking me crazy off the wall questions about why I was so upset. I got annoyed at how much people make up their own truth about me. It made me doubt why I started this blog. Everyone has always had something to say about me. Even in grade school people would talk about me. Most of the things I have heard haven't even been true, but its still hurtful. I started wondering this week if I started this blog so people would stop talking about me. I was the one setting the record strait, even if it wasn't flattering. But that was a lie from the devil. I started sharing my story with the women around me. And they opened up to me and shared also. We heal together knowing we were not alone in our pain. I knew a blog would help more people than the handful of people in my life. Whatever my motives were, or people think, my blog has helped many people. And that's enough for me to keep writing. Even if it feels repetitive at times.

If you have never had a panic attack, it doesn't just end when it's over. My body, emotions and brain will be tense and sensitive for many days after. In those few days after my panic attack I saw something on social media that upset me. In my weakened emotional state made my funk last longer. A mutual friend had posted a picture of Sam. It brought up emotions and thoughts I don't normally have. If I were to dwell on my past and all the unanswered questions I would be a bitter miserable person. However seeing the picture brought back all the questions and emotions. When I think about it now I don't really care. It doesn't normally affect me. I was only in a raw state coming off a panic attack. I hate that it affected me at all. But it did.

I'm not ashamed that I have a failed marriage in my past. But sometimes I wish I has more time to explain to people when I see the judgment in their eyes. For instance the guy who was filling out my passport application when he said, "well one name change is allowed, but with two marriages we need legal documentation." I wanted to tell him how I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough. I wanted to tell him all the horrible things Sam had done to me. But I didn't say a word. I have encounters like that occasionally. People see me and are shocked that someone so young is already on a second marriage. I can see them trying to look into my eyes and figure out what is wrong with me. If I have a chance I try to say a little bit, but normally I just have to deal with their judgmental looks.

There are still bad day. But I try my best to keep them to myself. Because I am so happy, I can't and I won't let my old demons from my past affect my present. Because then they win, and I will not allow that.

I have never shared this next part with anyone not even Jason until he proof read this. I'm not quite sure what the point of it is yet. But there has to be a nugget of something in here somewhere. Since I started this blog to raise awareness of what really goes on in a divorce and how we can help those suffering. I should probably share all of my struggles. (Which I am an open book, except for the sexual abuse details, that stuff belongs in coffee shop conversations, not the Internet.)

I have done lots of reading on PTSD. You don't have to be a war veteran to have a form of it. You don't have to have physical bruises to be a victim of domestic violence. The farther and farther I get away from Sam and our actual divorce date the farther I get away from my PTSD like symptoms. It's a long process on the road back to 'normal',  I'm never going to give up. 

I was so stressed and scared when I was married to Sam. Subconsciously I knew he was full of crap, but I think I was so determined to make my marriage work I convinced myself everything was ok. I just refused to think about it. However, I could not sleep. As I would lay in bed at night my mind would race and try to figure out all the loose ends from his stories that didn't add up. When I did get to sleep I would have one of two nightmares.

In the first dream there was a car accident and Sam died. I was all alone. After burying my husband I discovered I was pregnant with his son. I moved back into his parents house. After a few years a guy from my highschool days whom I never had a relationship with started trying to pursue me and my new child. In the second dream I did not move in with his parents when I found out I was pregnant. Instead I stayed in my home and raised our son alone, and a year later a guy that I knew from around town was the one wanting to start to date me. The endings to the dreams were always different. But the beginnings were always the same. A tragic sudden accident, a son, and another guy later. (Side note, this is why I am 100% convinced the child I miscarried when I was with Sam was a boy)

I guess I dreamed it one night and actually felt rested when I woke up. I discovered when I was having trouble sleeping if I would replay it in my mind and I would fall asleep almost immediately. Most nights I would wake up from this dream sobbing. I wouldn't know what was reality when I woke up. I took a minute or two to remember where I was.

Why did I have this reoccurring nightmare of Sam dying? Why did replaying it in my head when I couldn't sleep relax me enough to let me fall asleep? For real it left me with tons of questions that I bet a professional psychologist could tell me what it all meant. If I was sleeping at a friends house or somewhere far away from Sam, I was fine. But when I was home where Sam was the only time I was able to sleep without having this emotional dream was if I was drinking before bed. Needless to say, I began drinking regularly just so I could get some sleep. And when the guy I was dating started picking up on this was happening to me at home, he got me a key to his house and told me to stay there whenever I needed to. (He worked over nights and was never there)

I remember the first night Jason stayed over. I had fallen asleep on the couch during a movie, so he was making his move to head home. Something about Jason and who he is relaxes me and can calm me down just from being near him. Because I realized it was so easy for me to sleep with him there, I asked him to stay. He stayed with me that night. We did not do much sleeping though. We stayed up talking most of the night. He shared with me his past and I told him details about my past I had never told a soul even to this day.  He wrapped his huge arms around me and I felt completely safe for honestly the first time in my life as I lay there in his arms. We might have only slept a few hour that night, but I remember it was the most restful sleep I had in a long time. I woke up feeling completely renewed. 

Where am I going with this post? I don't have a freaking clue! I do know now that my sleep is limited being a wife, mother, employee and home owner, I have the most wonderful sleep when I get the chance. I never have to fake a alternate reality. If I have trouble falling asleep I just think back to the whirlwind romance of Jason and I falling in love, and bam! I'm out. My reality is my dream, I don't have to try to convince my mind to relax by false daydreams.

Weddings like crazy in my family this spring. My sister married a wonderful man this past weekend. A man who I am obsessed with for her. I told her when he asked her out I needs a 3 page paper on all his flaws so I can be realistic about him as a human. (She hasn't done that yet, I bet after a year of marriage she could do it.) My brother gets married next month. I'm also obsessed with his lady. Every time she opens her mouth I fall even more in love with her. Major plus, I'm no longer the weird one in the family because she is crazy! 

Of course in all the toasts and wedding festivities everyone is giving the couples marriage advice. No one said anything bad, but the couples aren't listening. Not because they weren't paying attention, but I promise you, they won't remember a word anyone said the whole weekend. So I didn't give them any advise. Except to call me when they feel alone and scared things are failing, because I have been there. So they don't have to do it alone.

So here is my marriage advise, for my sister and her husband, my brother and his wife, and the whole rest of the world because apparently I am a blogger. And everyone wants to hear what a girl who was divorced at the age of 24 has to say about marriage. (Yes that was sarcasm)

You are both going to fail each other. Both of y'all will break each other's hearts. You wont be able to keep every word of your vows every day, you are human. Some failures will be bigger than others, but whatever you do, whatever happens. NEVER LIE ABOUT IT. Don't try to hide your failures. Your spouse does not expect you to be perfect. Anything can be worked through and fixed if you are both committed to fix whatever issues that come up. But if you lie about it, there is no coming back from that. Once I had been lied to so many times by Sam, I was at the point where even if he did start telling the truth, I would never be able to trust that it was truth. Once trust is broken, it will never be the same as it was. Just never lie!!!

So Brother and Sister, If things start looking bad for you and your spouse and one of you isn't fighting for your marriage. Don't be surprised when I show up at your door and ask you some rough questions. I wish someone would have come into my home, grabbed Sam by the neck and said, "You promised, I heard you on your wedding day make all those promises, why are you treating her like this?" His dad did do that. His dad asked him the hard questions. His dad yelled at him. His dad also asked me the hard questions, and yelled at me when I did my stupid things. Because he really cared. He was fighting for his family. Unfortunately his dad and I lost the war. But you better believe, I'll fight for you, I'll fight for your marriage. Because it's important. It's a family thing, and I care.

Most people don't realize they are in abusive relationships. Or they don't want to admit it because once a person admits it, then they need to do something about it. I'm not a professional therapist. I'm just a girl who has been through it (not just with my ex husband, but other people in my life as well) and I have a heart for those hurting in this way. Sometimes I hear people mention little things about their relationship to me. I wonder if it is a cry for help or if they are just talking. It's hard to walk up to someone and ask them if they need help if you aren't 100% sure. Either they wouldn't know what you are talking about, or they will get mad and defensive. People don't like talking about it. So if you know me and ever want to talk about it, please do. I would love to grab a coffee and listen. I complied a list of signs from my life, and from all my reading and studying other smarter people's opinions. 

-You have communication problems. Your feelings are never heard. It's always about them. Do you completely avoid topics? Do you spend more time figuring out how to word something than actually having the conversation?

-You make excuses for them about the way they treat you. All relationships have times when one is going through a difficult or stressful time. At that time yes the other partner might not be on their best behavior towards those closest to them. But stress at work, family or friends should never be an excuse to tear down your partner. There is a huge difference between discussing a issue your partner has in order to help them be better, and tearing them apart for every little thing.

-Between the times they are tearing you down are they overly nice to you? It's confusing. One day they can be screaming and hate you. But the next it's overly sweet and romantic. 

-They never admit they have a problem. The way you feel is always your fault. Sometimes the way they treat you is so minor it's hard to verbalized without feeling like you are being petty, so it's easy to believe you are the issue. 

-They won't see a therapist with you, or they fake who they are for the therapist. It's very normal to have issues. Needing some therapy or a third party to talk with is not a bad thing. It's a huge red flag if your partner will not go to counseling with you. Your partner should be willing to work on whatever needs to be worked on for a successful marriage. If one is unhappy, the other should be willing to figure out why and how to help.

-You constantly feel you are walking on eggshells. If you say or do one slightly 'wrong' thing it will cause a war. They will manipulate anything you say against you. Basically no matter how hard you try, there will be a fight and nothing you say will ever be right.

-They are obsessed with control. They have to get their way and run every aspect of both m your lives. If they are not getting their way, they make everyone around them miserable.

-They have no empathy, for you or your feelings or anyone else's. The only thing that matters is how they feel. And if you are the one with a crisis in your life, they will somehow turn it around to their crisis. You will then be comforting and taking care of them when you are the one needing comfort.

-There is a 'dark cloud' over you too. When people are around you they can feel the tension. They don't like it, so most people avoid both of you. Normally people close to you can more objectively see there is a problem before the ones involved because their emotions aren't tied to it. It's hard to tell someone you love you think they are being abused. It's easier to pull away from that person then have a hard conversation that might be taken badly.

-Is your relationship 50/50? Common marriage advice is that marriages are 100/100. When one person is having a issue (like a sickness or loss of a job) the other should pick up the slack. Get a job, do more around the house. Because in life pretty sure eventually the tables will turn and your partner will pick up your slack when you are sick or out of work. In a healthy marriage both work hard to do everything for the other. But if your partner doesn't put in their half, but they expect you to put in not just your half, but their half too. An abusive relationship is more like 100/0.  

If you feel these describe your relationship. You need help. Your partner needs help. However if they will not admit it and refusing help. There is nothing you can do. It's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve them to treat you this way. You have probably spend many years convincing yourself that it is normal. Many people believe because they married them means they have to stay married and deal with it. Each person has to get to the point where they feel leaving is right. People can tell them that they need to leave. But if they didn't make that decision for themselves, they will end up taking them back. I know, as someone who lived with an abusive person for years it's not easy. There will be some hard months after you've made the decision and leave. But there is a great deal of real joy and freedom you will experience after freeing yourself from the chains of an abusive relationship. 

Everyone has scars from their past that affects their present. Some scars are huge and noticeable. Some are so small you have to look hard to see it. 

Not sure if I have mentioned it much, but Jason was married before as well. He didn't sign up to have his past broadcast over the Internet, so I'll keep it short and sweet. He had to get in his ex's purse once and found  something that made him suspect something terrible. It was a total blindside. He wanted to do the work and fix whatever the issues were. But shortly after that she demanded a divorce. And was never willing to speak to him after that. It destroyed him; it was a total blindside. The people who knew him at that time have shared with me how tough it was for him. Jason and I discussed to great lengths what he thinks went wrong and why she left. Since she never really talked to him, all he can do is speculate. Which I think he speculated correctly. But nothing concrete, so that's all I will share.

His divorce was so long ago (he was getting divorced as I was getting married, I find that ironic) that when we ran into her recently, he said he had no feelings of any kind. It was like any other old acquaintance he might have run into. But that doesn't mean he doesn't still have scars from his nightmare. He will not under any circumstance look in my purse. I asked him about it one day after we had been together a while. I had noticed that he would never get me anything out of my purse, he would instead bring it to me. I told him tampons are in the side zipper, so if that was what he was scared of, he could avoid them. He shared with me the details of what he found in his ex's purse. I don't push him about it, it's not really even a big deal. But knowing how his ex made him feel emotionally. From what he has told me, and his moms and sisters. I know that I need be aware of how I treat him and make sure I never do anything to make him feel the way him and his family felt with her. 

When it comes to dealing with a spouses past scars I defiantly have an easier load than Jason. Jason has got to deal with my severe panic disorder. From what happened to me as a child sexually and emotionally, and then trying to work through abuse issues with someone who was in the process of abusing me really messed with my brain. While I'm over Sam, and moved on, my scars don't go away. My attacks are getting fewer and farther between. But sometimes something will trigger and I can't control it. I literally can't breathe, I can't stop shaking, I can't think rationally.

Generally I can understand why something has triggered an attack and know why it's irrational. Part of my therapy was learn to separate myself from the situation and look at it from a different perspective. Generally my triggers are something finance related. Or an unknown phone call. A situation that makes me uncomfortable, or one that reminds me of the life I had when I was married to Sam. 

Just yesterday we were driving home from our Valentine outing. Jason got pulled over for speeding. Unfortunately our insurance cards are out of date. We have insurance. It comes out automatically every month but for some reason we never got an updated card last time. No big deal, just got to call and correct it and get the new cards. Jason went to the store a little later. I was cooking him dinner, candles, the whole romantic Valentine thing. I called him and I thought when I heard him get in the car that meant he was on his way home. So I set the food to be ready as soon as he walked in the door. A few minutes after he should have been home I plated the food and pored the wine. I called him about 7 times. No answer. He was now way past 20 minutes later than it takes to get from the store to our house.  Basically I believed he was dead on the side of the road. Or I was going to get a call saying I needed to get to the hospital immediately. Then suddenly I remembered the encounter with the police and we couldn't show proof of our insurance. What if he had not been paying our bills and realizing he was about to get caught he ran off? Then I was going to be sitting in a hospital with a dying husband finding out he was lying to me too.

Jason finally called me back. I thought he was on his way home. But he had made another stop. NOW he was on his way home. I was in tears, Peyton was so confused. I thought when I answered the phone it would be a police officer saying they took him to the hospital. Later that night I told Jason why I got so worked up. He died laughing at the complete ridiculous story I had made up. First of all, our bank account says, "Allstate" when the money comes out. How could he fake that. Secondly, we HAVE to have insurance because we are still paying for our jeep or they would come repossess our car. I had a good laugh too. We only laughed bout it because in the emotional moment I did not accuse him of anything, because I knew I was completely insane. He has learned when I say and feel things like that, I'm not comparing him to Sam or accusing him of lying, but Im just very damaged. 

Jason and I speak completely different languages. We've had difficulties communicating at times. And it causes arguments. But we've learned in the end we are generally saying the same thing. (Worlds most brilliant couple right here) there are many times I feel he is hiding something from me. Or that he doesn't love me anymore. He gets upset because he thinks I am being ridiculous. (I generally am. See above story) It took a while for us to learn how to talk to each other in these moments. But I think we are figuring out how to communicate better. And help each other in our insecurities, without fighting or saying something to make it worse.

I have NEVER gone back and listened to a sermon again. I did last week. This whole series's our pastor is going through really is what Christianity is about. No sugar coating, real life is tough and painful. Honestly I recommend everyone listen to the whole series. But especially if you are hurting and wondering how Christianity fits in to your feelings. If you just pick one just listen to the "When God disappoints us." At the end of the sermon I loved the response questions he had us think about. 

http://gracepointchurch.net/media/video_messages/

I thought I was going to have a long beautiful marriage from a young age just like my grandparents. Full of life, love, children and ministry. 

I have a real once in a life time love and beautiful family not just one made to look pretty on the outside. My ministry opportunities are endless with the things I have gone through. My attitude and perspective is better. More understanding and grounded in reality.

I hope you listened to the sermons. Through out the series I have been reminded that while I went through my trails I did not have the kind of attitude I should have had. I gave up on God. I blamed him and accused him of being a liar. I did some really stupid things. But God never gave up on me no matter how I acted towards Him. It took me a while to be able to see how God was still saving me, but he never left me. He was still being good to me even though I felt He was the one attacking me. Leaving Sam was not something I could have done on my own. God gave me the strength to do it. And my bitter angry attitude I had, it suddenly changed. Not my anything I did. I was happy to remain sorry for myself for the rest of my life. God rescued me from being bitter and miserable.

People make jokes about me. I'm not complaining, I like jokes. And if you can't laugh at yourself what can you laugh at? I'm the 'bad influence', 'crazy friend'. Not someone you would ask for advise. I can't deny it. I did some really stupid things. I'm not ashamed of anything I did. I don't try to hide the dumb things I did. Maybe in sharing how silly I was and how bad I failed, someone else won't do the same thing I did. And next time I face a heartbreaking trial, hopefully I will have the correct attitude. Because I have seen His love and faithfulness in my past trials, I will be able to hope and trust He will do the same in my future.

This morning It will have been a year since we lost my grandmother. My mom called before 7 am. Before I even called her back, I knew what had happened. It sounds wrong. It sounds like just some person I am related to had died. The words "my grandmother" don't even come close to describing how much she meant to me. She has never been just "my grandmother", but my guardian angel, my friend and my role model, my second mother. With my bad relationship with my own mother, Dorsey was who I viewed as my mother. Today is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for every moment, conversation, cuddle, laugh and adventure I had with her. 

Spending the night at her house was always my favorite. Especially when I got to go alone without my brothers. She was the best cook. After we cuddled in her bed watching tv, She would always say prayers with me and tuck me in, and give me kisses. What I wouldn't give for one more sleepover. One more time to be tucked in the way she does best. She took my brothers and me on big vacations. She never missed any performance or event in my life. She was sick the day I got my first period, but she send Grandan over with a present for me. I was mortified then, but it's hilarious now. All seemingly small things, but they meant the world to me.

I remember after her stroke communicating was hard. She never fully recovered and it was hard seeing her like that. She didn't remember things, she couldn't hear me when I called. I hated being far away. I couldn't spend as much time as I wanted. I missed so much time I could have spent with her if I had not moved. Her and my sister were my reasons to visit. 

During my first marriage. She was the one I turned to. Her and my grandfather helped me financially and supported me through the whole thing. She never once said a word, she let my grandfather do all the talking and lecturing. She just did all the loving. Sam told me it frustrated him talking to her because she always asked him about his job and financial situation. Looking back I think she knew Sam was still lying even though no one else did. She was probably trying to get him to fess up to me. I remember sitting across from her at dinner telling her I miscarried her first great-grandchild and was getting a divorce. She again didn't say a word, she didn't look surprised, she just hugged me. Cause she knew nothing anyone said would change my situation or take my pain away.

At the end I remember sitting in her hospital room. Everyone said she was unresponsive. But she kept squeezing my hand and looking at me. She couldn't talk, but she was trying to tell me something. It was hard for me to meet her eyes and see her like that. She would stare at Peyton when she wasn't looking at me. The next time I saw her I knew it was the last. I just wanted to curl up in her bed with her and stay by her side until the last possible second. But I had a husband and a baby and a responsibilities. It was so hard walking away. Knowing I would never see her again this side of heaven. What do you say in that moment? How do you let someone know they mean everything to you. And they were perfect. And you don't know how to go on without them. And you wish you will be just like them when you grow up. Through my uncontrollable sobs and blubbering words, I hope she knew.

I will hear her favorite hymns play at work or other places, and I feel her presence. I sing Peyton to sleep in her rocking chair every night. Some of the songs I learned sitting next to her in church every Sunday. I can still remember her voice singing them. One night I was just overwhelmed by the feeling that she was watching me. I sat there and I talked to her and cried while Peyton slept in my arms. I don't know why, I don't know how to explain it. (Maybe I accidentally had two doses of my meds that morning.) I feel her presence a lot. Now if that's actually what's happening, or if it's just in my head I'll never know. Either way, It helps me feel better thinking she is here watching over me. 

You realize the past will be a memory that you cannot seem to get rid of. you are caught up in a horrible entanglement of low self esteem. I did not realize that this was even an issue.  (I thought I had it all together.  Even though l it was not easy to see my kids once a year.)  You are trying to convince yourself you are able to take care of yourself.  Wondering if there is someone out there that will understand who you are and approve of you.

I finally realized I needed to go back to church.  In fact my ex's sister-in-law recommend a church. I found a place where I felt at peace.  I was happy with the fellowship of believers who were worshiping there.  I had not shared my story, or even talked about my past to anyone.  I chose to help with the Library at church, and sang in the choir.  

After five years of being divorced, I realized my life needed to be changed in a direction that was free of guilt and pain of the past. My faith was gradually becoming something that gave me hope.

Getting to know everyone at the church was great place for me to meet new friends.  I had no idea that one of the families at Parkview Baptist was going to be my family one day.  I knew the Dad and Mom; and their daughter. Goodness, who would think someone in the choir was worthy enough to ask out.

How you can think that any one would want you?  After all the choices you made, and how you have been a failure in relationships.  Why would anyone want you?  All these thought's floated in my mind.  Thank goodness for a Mother at home, that made me feel worthy and kept me knowing I was loved unconditionally.  

I believe God was allowing me to see His grace in ways I never imagined. He knew I was not perfect, and I still struggled with sexual issues.  He was helping me to realize someone was interested, and I must now understand that there could be someone who would be the right person for my life.

Our pastor in his sermon this week said he had had some tough times where he had wanted a way out. He even had an escape route. He knew everyone around him would be better off if he was gone. Obviously none of that happen and he knew those thoughts were straight from the devil. But what he said triggered a memory I had.

The horrible year Sam and I lived together as roommates was the worst of my life. I was never mean to him. I was as friendly as a girl could be sharing a house with the man who shattered her heart. The situation was beyond my control. I just dealt with it. I never once told him everything would be ok or we would work it out. I told him it was over and even if he did start change. I would always think he was faking it the way he did after the first time he got caught. To much trust had been broken for me to ever think of trusting him again even if I wanted to. I didn't want to baby him and let him think the way he was acting was ok. 

One point Sam was so depressed and down on himself. He was uncontrollable and threatening suicide. He told me then I could pay off his debts and have a chance at a good life if he left me his life insurance. I felt he was pressuring me to be nice to him in his state to tell him "everything is going to be ok." I refused to give in and coddle him. I called his friend (I'll call him Tony). I told Tony what Sam was saying and said I couldn't handle him in this state with what was going on between us. Even though Tony hated my guts, he agreed and came and picked him up for a few days. (Remember I was hooking up with their other friend and with Tony not knowing what Sam did, I was a horrible person in his eyes)

It's one thing to encourage someone you love and speak truth into their life when they are having a tough time. It's another to be manipulated by them. When they use the pain they caused to you and somehow get you to comfort and reassure them. It's wrong. So many abusive partners use this tactic to keep their partner around. We believe it's our fault. But it's their problem. I don't know how I knew I needed to call his friend and ask for help. Honestly it was tough calling Tony who I knew judged me for the mess I was in and how I was handling it. But I think that was the point Sam realized I was done playing his stupid games. He still lied. He will always lie. But he learned that I wasn't going to be manipulated by him. And he backed off. He stopped trying to manipulate me and trying to trap me into staying with him. 

The next post from my friend Vicky touches my heart. I can't explain why as women we do things we know are wrong when we are hurting. I had relationships and been messing around with people I had no business even speaking to. I was embarrassed by how I was acting. I shut myself off from my friends who honestly cares about me. I thought once they knew my marriage had failed, and how I was responding and dealing they would shun me. There were tons of acquaintances and fake friends who were cruel in how they started treating me in my dark days. Some didn't really surprise to me, but some did and truly broke my heart when I found out. But I'm thankful for it because now I know who my true friends are. Looking back I wish I hadn't been so scared to be around my friends, I'm sure I would have made better choices if I had been open and honest with them. It's true the kind of people you hang around affect how you live your life. I was spending time with the wrong crowds because I felt the people who love me would judge and blame me. 

Chapter 4 from Guest Blogger Sara's Hope Founder.

As I said before I was" searching for love in all the wrong places. "  Funny how this song fits so many situations.  As I said, my emotions were a roller coaster of ups and downs.  The sadness of trying to find a level plain of a personality was difficult.  Who was I,  what happened to me?  What now? I had choices I never thought of before.  I could buy a car, I could get food at a drive through,  the choices were charging through me, and what freedom I had.  Pow! I had to stop and realize I had responsibilities, bills to pay, and living with my Mother was not a free ride.  

The saddest memory of adultery, is the fear, that the wife of the man would find out.  And most of all, they both were good friends to me. During this time period my Dad was very ill.  My children, were still in Kansas.  I was living in an apt. My choices were wrong, and voices from the past would scream, " Your parents will take the kids away from you." I saw my Dad once before he passed away.  When I learned he died,  I could not face my family.  I thought I was a failure. I ran to the house, of the man and woman (man being my secret lover), and tried to find refuge there.  I could not face my Mother.  

Finally, I went over to her house.  Brothers were arriving, and the memory is not vivid, but I found out they did not condemn me, they loved me.  What a wonderful welcome, and relief.  My ex had lied to me.  

Afterwards, Mother had told me, that my ex during all the issues of the aftermath of divorce, had came to her house.  He asked, " Why cannot your daughter have a climax?"  My Mother, looked him right in the eye and said, " I believe that has to be your problem, not hers."

So, as you see, we all have issues, and those decisions we have to make.  Some are the hardest ones, to realize you were not to blame. You were not the problem. I am grateful for family, who did their best to surround me with their love. And I am glad that I was able to have strength and courage to see my Mother after Dad had died.   She needed me.

I hear a lot of women saying they lost themselves when they were with their abusive partners. Then after they freed themselves they had to find who they were again. I did this as several times. In high school when I finally saw what was happening, I broke up with him. I didn't have the slightest clue who I was or what I wanted to be because everything I did and acted was the way he wanted me to. During my divorce everything I knew about my reality has all been fabricated. I didn't know what was real and what was a lie. I felt everything about me was a lie. I think that's why people go a little nuts after a breakup. They spent so long smothering their personality, they are finally free so they are ready to live again as themselves.

I don't like relationships where the two individuals cannot do anything apart from the other. I'm sure most of them are wonderful relationships, but it makes me uncomfortable. One thing I love hearing my sisters boyfriend say to her is, "You do you". I hear it a lot when we were making plans. He didn't care one bit if she did something different and out of the ordinary, or not what he was doing. If my sister can remain my weird, quirky, emotional sister, and be on a serious relationship I'm happy. (If she starts becoming a shell of herself because she keeps changing who she is to please him, Someones head will be rolling on the floor.) I'm sure they are being their goofy selves when they are hollering "you do you" at each other. But the meaning behind it is something beautiful.

At the same time you will change and adapt to the person you are in a relationship with. Jason sees flaws in me, points them out and I try to be better. And I do the same for him. There are things I no longer do even though it's not bad. But I don't do it because it bothers him or isn't helpful. The things we change and compromise on are not our personalities or the essence of who we are. I am 100% myself with Jason. I feel more myself when I am with him. I don't feel like there is any parts of me or my personality I have to hide or change. Being with him I feel more confident and more sure of myself because he encourages those parts of me. Don't settle to be with anyone who you feel you have to hide your personality when you with them. You will forget who you are.

It took awhile to finally decide if my life ever going to be on an even plain of emotions.

When the custody battle began over the children, I had tried to get custody. This was one that really was painful.  There is nothing worse than an investigator coming to your apartment. He looks at the place, checks all the rooms, and then asks a question that really shocked me, " Do you date?"  I said, " No, not really." He then with a straight look into my eyes said, "What? Do you prefer girls?"  I have to tell you even now this memory is very hurtful and painful. I shouted, " No!"  My behavior had to be controlled. I was angry, and felt someone had punched me in my gut.

As soon as I started fighting for my children, the ex takes off. He is running scared. This was one terrible emotional ride for me. Thank goodness I had an Attorney who was a family friend. He helped me look for my ex and the kids. My daughter had written a letter to me, as they started traveling to find a place to reside.  She told me she loved me, and they were sleeping under the stars at night. This was truly a hard time in my life.

After the Attorney found them they were settled in Washington state. We were then set for visiting rights for myself.  The agreement was for me to pay for their flight to Kansas,  and my ex to pay the fight back to Washington. I had visitation August of every year.  Thank the Lord for this attorney who realized my need to be with my children.  

It is strange how your mind can be changed by someone, then the struggle to find yourself is a turbulent wave of emotions, and reasoning.  To have your Mom say, I now know that you were manipulated and brain washed.  She  never believed what happened to Patty Hurst back in the 1960's. Miss Hurst was kidnapped in a high profile story.  Mom told me that now she could understand that this could happen to someone, she saw her daughter was brain washed.

Yes, I was finally finding a glimpse of my life.  I know that it was not easy.  I am thankful that God guided me back home with my Mother.  I lived in my old bedroom just where God knew where I needed to be for recovery.

Sam has been giving my number out to people that are searching for him. I have been getting phone calls from mostly attorneys and a few debt collectors. Several of them have talked to me a bit. When they find out I am his ex wife and divorced him because of his lying and stealing, most of them take my number out of their files, some say they can't because he said it was his number so they have to keep it for records. My curiosity is dying to know what he is doing, but I've never ask. I fight the urge to spend a few dollars and do a background check on him. To find out what all he did while we were married and he is doing now. I don't really care, I'm just curious and nosy, like any other women. Anything I find out might just irritate me. But it really doesn't matter anymore.

Jason suggested changing my phone number if it continued. I really didn't want to do that. It's the only cellphone number I've had since age 14. It was also kinda sentimental. I picked that number specifically. It was code numbers for some middle school boys my friends and I had made up. (Don't laugh, you know you had code names too). So I stalled, hoping things would calm down.

One day I had two calls, normally I only got one every few days. Then I was sitting on break at work and his number popped up. Sam was calling me. I just stared at my phone the entire time it rang. I wanted to answer and ask him what he could possibly think he needed to say to me. But I didn't answer. I'm done dealing with his crap and listening to his lies. Later that night I decided to text him back. I said, "I don't know why you think you have any reason to call me. But since you did, stop giving my number out to people who are looking for you". Maybe I should have just ignored it and not texted him. But I got it off my chest, and was able to just forget about it. But then I got another phone call. So I asked Jason to change my number while I was working that day. I have lived in Northwest Arkansas for almost 10 years, I might as well have the correct area code. This is my home. It always will be, now I have the phone number to back that up.

If anyone treats any of my family the way he did, you can bet I will be busting their door down and giving them a piece of my mind. But I am the hothead in my family, so no one would bat an eye. It would be strange for anyone else in my family to initiate any sort of confrontation. Since everything came to light all those years ago, I wish my dad and brothers were confrontational hotheads. I wished someone would have told him it's not ok to treat their daughter or sister like he did and knocked him out cold. But my brothers are neither violent or immature. So whenever anyone saw Sam they where always polite and cordial. He just got away with it. But my family has more important things to do than talk to someone who doesn't care. We have our happy wonderful lives, marriages and babies to be focusing on. So we will continue focusing on the present. Not the past which won't change, and doesn't matter.

I have gone back and forth on if I will ever share publicly about  my relationship with my mother and how it affected me. Considering she is making an effort to have a relationship with me in my adult life. I will refrain. Just know, it was horrible. My Mom and I see the world in completely opposite ways. Growing up I never knew why my mom hated me. Now that I'm older I see that she does love me. She just has the strangest ways of showing it. I did not understand that was her showing her love, because it felt the opposite.

In my many conversations with friends who have similar mother/daughter relationships as mine. The way a child feels growing up directly affects how she allows herself to be treated in adult relationships.

If a child is not treated with respect and love, they won't believe they deserve it when they are older. When kids are beat down as a young child or teenager they are taught they are not valuable. Why would they think a stranger should treat them as they were special if those in their life who were suppose to encourage and love them never did. If their parent can't see and express the value in them, why would a stranger? 

How you speak to your child isn't just about building up their self esteem. It's teaching them what they should expect from a partner later in life. What you model for your children directly affects what kind of relationship they will have. Treat them the way you want their future partner to treat them. And in addition to that, treat your partner how you want someone to treat your child. Kids see how their parents interact. Take any child as small as a one year old, they copy everything they see their parents to.

One thing I have told myself since I was about 14. If I only do one thing to do right as a parent, it would be that my child never has to wonder if I love them. I'm sure I will do thousands of things wrong as a parent. And even at one year of age, Peyton has the biggest attitude and strongest will I have ever seen in a baby. We are going to go around and around as she grows up. But I hope in all our fights and her getting in so much trouble, she never doubts that we think she is unique, special and that her parents love her more than anything. I can see her as a teenager saying, "mom stop, I know you love me. Leave me alone." I pray she sees the love and respect Jason and I have for each other, I hope she accepts nothing less.