She Found Her Wings

Weddings like crazy in my family this spring. My sister married a wonderful man this past weekend. A man who I am obsessed with for her. I told her when he asked her out I needs a 3 page paper on all his flaws so I can be realistic about him as a human. (She hasn't done that yet, I bet after a year of marriage she could do it.) My brother gets married next month. I'm also obsessed with his lady. Every time she opens her mouth I fall even more in love with her. Major plus, I'm no longer the weird one in the family because she is crazy! 

Of course in all the toasts and wedding festivities everyone is giving the couples marriage advice. No one said anything bad, but the couples aren't listening. Not because they weren't paying attention, but I promise you, they won't remember a word anyone said the whole weekend. So I didn't give them any advise. Except to call me when they feel alone and scared things are failing, because I have been there. So they don't have to do it alone.

So here is my marriage advise, for my sister and her husband, my brother and his wife, and the whole rest of the world because apparently I am a blogger. And everyone wants to hear what a girl who was divorced at the age of 24 has to say about marriage. (Yes that was sarcasm)

You are both going to fail each other. Both of y'all will break each other's hearts. You wont be able to keep every word of your vows every day, you are human. Some failures will be bigger than others, but whatever you do, whatever happens. NEVER LIE ABOUT IT. Don't try to hide your failures. Your spouse does not expect you to be perfect. Anything can be worked through and fixed if you are both committed to fix whatever issues that come up. But if you lie about it, there is no coming back from that. Once I had been lied to so many times by Sam, I was at the point where even if he did start telling the truth, I would never be able to trust that it was truth. Once trust is broken, it will never be the same as it was. Just never lie!!!

So Brother and Sister, If things start looking bad for you and your spouse and one of you isn't fighting for your marriage. Don't be surprised when I show up at your door and ask you some rough questions. I wish someone would have come into my home, grabbed Sam by the neck and said, "You promised, I heard you on your wedding day make all those promises, why are you treating her like this?" His dad did do that. His dad asked him the hard questions. His dad yelled at him. His dad also asked me the hard questions, and yelled at me when I did my stupid things. Because he really cared. He was fighting for his family. Unfortunately his dad and I lost the war. But you better believe, I'll fight for you, I'll fight for your marriage. Because it's important. It's a family thing, and I care.

Most people don't realize they are in abusive relationships. Or they don't want to admit it because once a person admits it, then they need to do something about it. I'm not a professional therapist. I'm just a girl who has been through it (not just with my ex husband, but other people in my life as well) and I have a heart for those hurting in this way. Sometimes I hear people mention little things about their relationship to me. I wonder if it is a cry for help or if they are just talking. It's hard to walk up to someone and ask them if they need help if you aren't 100% sure. Either they wouldn't know what you are talking about, or they will get mad and defensive. People don't like talking about it. So if you know me and ever want to talk about it, please do. I would love to grab a coffee and listen. I complied a list of signs from my life, and from all my reading and studying other smarter people's opinions. 

-You have communication problems. Your feelings are never heard. It's always about them. Do you completely avoid topics? Do you spend more time figuring out how to word something than actually having the conversation?

-You make excuses for them about the way they treat you. All relationships have times when one is going through a difficult or stressful time. At that time yes the other partner might not be on their best behavior towards those closest to them. But stress at work, family or friends should never be an excuse to tear down your partner. There is a huge difference between discussing a issue your partner has in order to help them be better, and tearing them apart for every little thing.

-Between the times they are tearing you down are they overly nice to you? It's confusing. One day they can be screaming and hate you. But the next it's overly sweet and romantic. 

-They never admit they have a problem. The way you feel is always your fault. Sometimes the way they treat you is so minor it's hard to verbalized without feeling like you are being petty, so it's easy to believe you are the issue. 

-They won't see a therapist with you, or they fake who they are for the therapist. It's very normal to have issues. Needing some therapy or a third party to talk with is not a bad thing. It's a huge red flag if your partner will not go to counseling with you. Your partner should be willing to work on whatever needs to be worked on for a successful marriage. If one is unhappy, the other should be willing to figure out why and how to help.

-You constantly feel you are walking on eggshells. If you say or do one slightly 'wrong' thing it will cause a war. They will manipulate anything you say against you. Basically no matter how hard you try, there will be a fight and nothing you say will ever be right.

-They are obsessed with control. They have to get their way and run every aspect of both m your lives. If they are not getting their way, they make everyone around them miserable.

-They have no empathy, for you or your feelings or anyone else's. The only thing that matters is how they feel. And if you are the one with a crisis in your life, they will somehow turn it around to their crisis. You will then be comforting and taking care of them when you are the one needing comfort.

-There is a 'dark cloud' over you too. When people are around you they can feel the tension. They don't like it, so most people avoid both of you. Normally people close to you can more objectively see there is a problem before the ones involved because their emotions aren't tied to it. It's hard to tell someone you love you think they are being abused. It's easier to pull away from that person then have a hard conversation that might be taken badly.

-Is your relationship 50/50? Common marriage advice is that marriages are 100/100. When one person is having a issue (like a sickness or loss of a job) the other should pick up the slack. Get a job, do more around the house. Because in life pretty sure eventually the tables will turn and your partner will pick up your slack when you are sick or out of work. In a healthy marriage both work hard to do everything for the other. But if your partner doesn't put in their half, but they expect you to put in not just your half, but their half too. An abusive relationship is more like 100/0.  

If you feel these describe your relationship. You need help. Your partner needs help. However if they will not admit it and refusing help. There is nothing you can do. It's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve them to treat you this way. You have probably spend many years convincing yourself that it is normal. Many people believe because they married them means they have to stay married and deal with it. Each person has to get to the point where they feel leaving is right. People can tell them that they need to leave. But if they didn't make that decision for themselves, they will end up taking them back. I know, as someone who lived with an abusive person for years it's not easy. There will be some hard months after you've made the decision and leave. But there is a great deal of real joy and freedom you will experience after freeing yourself from the chains of an abusive relationship. 

Everyone has scars from their past that affects their present. Some scars are huge and noticeable. Some are so small you have to look hard to see it. 

Not sure if I have mentioned it much, but Jason was married before as well. He didn't sign up to have his past broadcast over the Internet, so I'll keep it short and sweet. He had to get in his ex's purse once and found  something that made him suspect something terrible. It was a total blindside. He wanted to do the work and fix whatever the issues were. But shortly after that she demanded a divorce. And was never willing to speak to him after that. It destroyed him; it was a total blindside. The people who knew him at that time have shared with me how tough it was for him. Jason and I discussed to great lengths what he thinks went wrong and why she left. Since she never really talked to him, all he can do is speculate. Which I think he speculated correctly. But nothing concrete, so that's all I will share.

His divorce was so long ago (he was getting divorced as I was getting married, I find that ironic) that when we ran into her recently, he said he had no feelings of any kind. It was like any other old acquaintance he might have run into. But that doesn't mean he doesn't still have scars from his nightmare. He will not under any circumstance look in my purse. I asked him about it one day after we had been together a while. I had noticed that he would never get me anything out of my purse, he would instead bring it to me. I told him tampons are in the side zipper, so if that was what he was scared of, he could avoid them. He shared with me the details of what he found in his ex's purse. I don't push him about it, it's not really even a big deal. But knowing how his ex made him feel emotionally. From what he has told me, and his moms and sisters. I know that I need be aware of how I treat him and make sure I never do anything to make him feel the way him and his family felt with her. 

When it comes to dealing with a spouses past scars I defiantly have an easier load than Jason. Jason has got to deal with my severe panic disorder. From what happened to me as a child sexually and emotionally, and then trying to work through abuse issues with someone who was in the process of abusing me really messed with my brain. While I'm over Sam, and moved on, my scars don't go away. My attacks are getting fewer and farther between. But sometimes something will trigger and I can't control it. I literally can't breathe, I can't stop shaking, I can't think rationally.

Generally I can understand why something has triggered an attack and know why it's irrational. Part of my therapy was learn to separate myself from the situation and look at it from a different perspective. Generally my triggers are something finance related. Or an unknown phone call. A situation that makes me uncomfortable, or one that reminds me of the life I had when I was married to Sam. 

Just yesterday we were driving home from our Valentine outing. Jason got pulled over for speeding. Unfortunately our insurance cards are out of date. We have insurance. It comes out automatically every month but for some reason we never got an updated card last time. No big deal, just got to call and correct it and get the new cards. Jason went to the store a little later. I was cooking him dinner, candles, the whole romantic Valentine thing. I called him and I thought when I heard him get in the car that meant he was on his way home. So I set the food to be ready as soon as he walked in the door. A few minutes after he should have been home I plated the food and pored the wine. I called him about 7 times. No answer. He was now way past 20 minutes later than it takes to get from the store to our house.  Basically I believed he was dead on the side of the road. Or I was going to get a call saying I needed to get to the hospital immediately. Then suddenly I remembered the encounter with the police and we couldn't show proof of our insurance. What if he had not been paying our bills and realizing he was about to get caught he ran off? Then I was going to be sitting in a hospital with a dying husband finding out he was lying to me too.

Jason finally called me back. I thought he was on his way home. But he had made another stop. NOW he was on his way home. I was in tears, Peyton was so confused. I thought when I answered the phone it would be a police officer saying they took him to the hospital. Later that night I told Jason why I got so worked up. He died laughing at the complete ridiculous story I had made up. First of all, our bank account says, "Allstate" when the money comes out. How could he fake that. Secondly, we HAVE to have insurance because we are still paying for our jeep or they would come repossess our car. I had a good laugh too. We only laughed bout it because in the emotional moment I did not accuse him of anything, because I knew I was completely insane. He has learned when I say and feel things like that, I'm not comparing him to Sam or accusing him of lying, but Im just very damaged. 

Jason and I speak completely different languages. We've had difficulties communicating at times. And it causes arguments. But we've learned in the end we are generally saying the same thing. (Worlds most brilliant couple right here) there are many times I feel he is hiding something from me. Or that he doesn't love me anymore. He gets upset because he thinks I am being ridiculous. (I generally am. See above story) It took a while for us to learn how to talk to each other in these moments. But I think we are figuring out how to communicate better. And help each other in our insecurities, without fighting or saying something to make it worse.

I have NEVER gone back and listened to a sermon again. I did last week. This whole series's our pastor is going through really is what Christianity is about. No sugar coating, real life is tough and painful. Honestly I recommend everyone listen to the whole series. But especially if you are hurting and wondering how Christianity fits in to your feelings. If you just pick one just listen to the "When God disappoints us." At the end of the sermon I loved the response questions he had us think about. 

http://gracepointchurch.net/media/video_messages/

I thought I was going to have a long beautiful marriage from a young age just like my grandparents. Full of life, love, children and ministry. 

I have a real once in a life time love and beautiful family not just one made to look pretty on the outside. My ministry opportunities are endless with the things I have gone through. My attitude and perspective is better. More understanding and grounded in reality.

I hope you listened to the sermons. Through out the series I have been reminded that while I went through my trails I did not have the kind of attitude I should have had. I gave up on God. I blamed him and accused him of being a liar. I did some really stupid things. But God never gave up on me no matter how I acted towards Him. It took me a while to be able to see how God was still saving me, but he never left me. He was still being good to me even though I felt He was the one attacking me. Leaving Sam was not something I could have done on my own. God gave me the strength to do it. And my bitter angry attitude I had, it suddenly changed. Not my anything I did. I was happy to remain sorry for myself for the rest of my life. God rescued me from being bitter and miserable.

People make jokes about me. I'm not complaining, I like jokes. And if you can't laugh at yourself what can you laugh at? I'm the 'bad influence', 'crazy friend'. Not someone you would ask for advise. I can't deny it. I did some really stupid things. I'm not ashamed of anything I did. I don't try to hide the dumb things I did. Maybe in sharing how silly I was and how bad I failed, someone else won't do the same thing I did. And next time I face a heartbreaking trial, hopefully I will have the correct attitude. Because I have seen His love and faithfulness in my past trials, I will be able to hope and trust He will do the same in my future.

This morning It will have been a year since we lost my grandmother. My mom called before 7 am. Before I even called her back, I knew what had happened. It sounds wrong. It sounds like just some person I am related to had died. The words "my grandmother" don't even come close to describing how much she meant to me. She has never been just "my grandmother", but my guardian angel, my friend and my role model, my second mother. With my bad relationship with my own mother, Dorsey was who I viewed as my mother. Today is Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for every moment, conversation, cuddle, laugh and adventure I had with her. 

Spending the night at her house was always my favorite. Especially when I got to go alone without my brothers. She was the best cook. After we cuddled in her bed watching tv, She would always say prayers with me and tuck me in, and give me kisses. What I wouldn't give for one more sleepover. One more time to be tucked in the way she does best. She took my brothers and me on big vacations. She never missed any performance or event in my life. She was sick the day I got my first period, but she send Grandan over with a present for me. I was mortified then, but it's hilarious now. All seemingly small things, but they meant the world to me.

I remember after her stroke communicating was hard. She never fully recovered and it was hard seeing her like that. She didn't remember things, she couldn't hear me when I called. I hated being far away. I couldn't spend as much time as I wanted. I missed so much time I could have spent with her if I had not moved. Her and my sister were my reasons to visit. 

During my first marriage. She was the one I turned to. Her and my grandfather helped me financially and supported me through the whole thing. She never once said a word, she let my grandfather do all the talking and lecturing. She just did all the loving. Sam told me it frustrated him talking to her because she always asked him about his job and financial situation. Looking back I think she knew Sam was still lying even though no one else did. She was probably trying to get him to fess up to me. I remember sitting across from her at dinner telling her I miscarried her first great-grandchild and was getting a divorce. She again didn't say a word, she didn't look surprised, she just hugged me. Cause she knew nothing anyone said would change my situation or take my pain away.

At the end I remember sitting in her hospital room. Everyone said she was unresponsive. But she kept squeezing my hand and looking at me. She couldn't talk, but she was trying to tell me something. It was hard for me to meet her eyes and see her like that. She would stare at Peyton when she wasn't looking at me. The next time I saw her I knew it was the last. I just wanted to curl up in her bed with her and stay by her side until the last possible second. But I had a husband and a baby and a responsibilities. It was so hard walking away. Knowing I would never see her again this side of heaven. What do you say in that moment? How do you let someone know they mean everything to you. And they were perfect. And you don't know how to go on without them. And you wish you will be just like them when you grow up. Through my uncontrollable sobs and blubbering words, I hope she knew.

I will hear her favorite hymns play at work or other places, and I feel her presence. I sing Peyton to sleep in her rocking chair every night. Some of the songs I learned sitting next to her in church every Sunday. I can still remember her voice singing them. One night I was just overwhelmed by the feeling that she was watching me. I sat there and I talked to her and cried while Peyton slept in my arms. I don't know why, I don't know how to explain it. (Maybe I accidentally had two doses of my meds that morning.) I feel her presence a lot. Now if that's actually what's happening, or if it's just in my head I'll never know. Either way, It helps me feel better thinking she is here watching over me. 

You realize the past will be a memory that you cannot seem to get rid of. you are caught up in a horrible entanglement of low self esteem. I did not realize that this was even an issue.  (I thought I had it all together.  Even though l it was not easy to see my kids once a year.)  You are trying to convince yourself you are able to take care of yourself.  Wondering if there is someone out there that will understand who you are and approve of you.

I finally realized I needed to go back to church.  In fact my ex's sister-in-law recommend a church. I found a place where I felt at peace.  I was happy with the fellowship of believers who were worshiping there.  I had not shared my story, or even talked about my past to anyone.  I chose to help with the Library at church, and sang in the choir.  

After five years of being divorced, I realized my life needed to be changed in a direction that was free of guilt and pain of the past. My faith was gradually becoming something that gave me hope.

Getting to know everyone at the church was great place for me to meet new friends.  I had no idea that one of the families at Parkview Baptist was going to be my family one day.  I knew the Dad and Mom; and their daughter. Goodness, who would think someone in the choir was worthy enough to ask out.

How you can think that any one would want you?  After all the choices you made, and how you have been a failure in relationships.  Why would anyone want you?  All these thought's floated in my mind.  Thank goodness for a Mother at home, that made me feel worthy and kept me knowing I was loved unconditionally.  

I believe God was allowing me to see His grace in ways I never imagined. He knew I was not perfect, and I still struggled with sexual issues.  He was helping me to realize someone was interested, and I must now understand that there could be someone who would be the right person for my life.

Our pastor in his sermon this week said he had had some tough times where he had wanted a way out. He even had an escape route. He knew everyone around him would be better off if he was gone. Obviously none of that happen and he knew those thoughts were straight from the devil. But what he said triggered a memory I had.

The horrible year Sam and I lived together as roommates was the worst of my life. I was never mean to him. I was as friendly as a girl could be sharing a house with the man who shattered her heart. The situation was beyond my control. I just dealt with it. I never once told him everything would be ok or we would work it out. I told him it was over and even if he did start change. I would always think he was faking it the way he did after the first time he got caught. To much trust had been broken for me to ever think of trusting him again even if I wanted to. I didn't want to baby him and let him think the way he was acting was ok. 

One point Sam was so depressed and down on himself. He was uncontrollable and threatening suicide. He told me then I could pay off his debts and have a chance at a good life if he left me his life insurance. I felt he was pressuring me to be nice to him in his state to tell him "everything is going to be ok." I refused to give in and coddle him. I called his friend (I'll call him Tony). I told Tony what Sam was saying and said I couldn't handle him in this state with what was going on between us. Even though Tony hated my guts, he agreed and came and picked him up for a few days. (Remember I was hooking up with their other friend and with Tony not knowing what Sam did, I was a horrible person in his eyes)

It's one thing to encourage someone you love and speak truth into their life when they are having a tough time. It's another to be manipulated by them. When they use the pain they caused to you and somehow get you to comfort and reassure them. It's wrong. So many abusive partners use this tactic to keep their partner around. We believe it's our fault. But it's their problem. I don't know how I knew I needed to call his friend and ask for help. Honestly it was tough calling Tony who I knew judged me for the mess I was in and how I was handling it. But I think that was the point Sam realized I was done playing his stupid games. He still lied. He will always lie. But he learned that I wasn't going to be manipulated by him. And he backed off. He stopped trying to manipulate me and trying to trap me into staying with him.