She Found Her Wings

Dear friend going through a difficult divorce,

I understand what you are going through. I know how you feel. Details might look different on the outside. But deep down, it's the same hurt and devastation no one understands unless they have gone through a divorce. I get it. Since I can't do anything to make it easier, hopefully it is comforting to know someone really understands. What I can do is tell you what I wish someone had told me or what I would tell myself if I had to relive those days. 

It's ok to miss him. You prepared your whole life with him. It's normal no matter what he did.

You are not a failure just because you have a failed marriage. It takes two to be married. If Sam had actually tried to change his life. We would have made it. 

It's ok to cry. Scream. Let it out. You will feel better after I promise.

You can still be a Christian even though you are divorced. Maybe it was the church I went to. Maybe it was how I was raised. Maybe it's my bad attitude. But when I left Sam I had also just miscarried. I left God too because I was mad. I knew God had wanted me to marry Sam. Why!? I ignored God and didn't want anything to do with him. He couldn't care one bit about me if he took my baby and my husband. If I had just ran to Him instead of running away, I could have saved myself even more heartache. 

I don't regret much of anything about my marriage with Sam. I wasn't perfect, but I tried my hardest. It wasn't until we split that I had regrets. I wish I could have handled how I reacted better. I did lots of stupid unnecessary things. If I had tried to have a relationship with God to fill my empty heart instead of others, I would have much less to regret. Be careful how you act for a while. Make sure it isn't something you will regret several years down the road when you look back and think "What was I thinking? Was that even me?"

Love you!!

Last night at the event I helped coordinate for domestic violence awareness and to offer free counseling. One of the speakers was the judge who granted me my divorce. (I wrote about him in my post D-day part 2) He was a nice old man who said his wife always gets on to him for sounding mean and cynical. But he honestly doesn't try to be mean. He shared about his side of domestic violence. The domestic violence cases take a whole day every week. He tries to set up restraining orders for every victim. But most of the times the victim doesn't want one, and they end up back in his court room. He mentioned he takes detailed notes about every case and saves all his notes for the next time.

I don't know why but hearing him speak made me so emotional. I was the victim he spoke of sitting in his court room who didn't have bruises to prove her pain. I knew after the event I needed to introduce myself. After two and a half years of wishing I could have spilled my guts out to the judge about all the reasons I needed that divorce. I had the chance to share my story and how his decision had given me freedom. 

Afterwards I went up and introduced myself and told him my story. We talked for a bit. He was so glad I came up and talked to him and that everything turned out wonderful for me. He says it's hard only seeing the negative side of people's lives. He was happy my life turned out ok, and he thanked me for introducing myself. 

It's weird how that conversation with a stranger gave me closer I didn't know I was missing. I had hated the feeling that my judge didn't know why I was getting a divorce. All he knew is we had, "unreconcilable differences" and I was 9 months pregnant with another man's child. It doesn't change anything that happened in that court room two and a half years later, but it's nice to know my judge understands now what happened. 

I had a blog post I was working on. But I couldn't wrap it up. Or put the thoughts I had in my mind to print. Jason read it and felt it was a repeat of other posts (it's a lot of details about how guys take advantage of girls without even realizing it. An important topic I need to work on more). I struggled with how to word what was spinning around my head. I just wasn't getting the point I wanted across. So I decided to scrap it and start all over.

I work hard at fight my demons, and be an stable independent woman. I hate being vulnerable around people I love and trust, much less people I don't trust. I was publicly broken and raw for so long. I feel I don't deserve anymore hard days because my life is so wonderful right now. When I have them I keep it to myself. I am so blessed to be where I am in life now after such a dark road. But it did not come easy. It was hard for me, it took a lot of praying. And most of those prayers were not coming from me. 

I completely lost it at work last week and had a full blown panic attack. Several people thought me and another employee were fighting. People were talking and asking me crazy off the wall questions about why I was so upset. I got annoyed at how much people make up their own truth about me. It made me doubt why I started this blog. Everyone has always had something to say about me. Even in grade school people would talk about me. Most of the things I have heard haven't even been true, but its still hurtful. I started wondering this week if I started this blog so people would stop talking about me. I was the one setting the record strait, even if it wasn't flattering. But that was a lie from the devil. I started sharing my story with the women around me. And they opened up to me and shared also. We heal together knowing we were not alone in our pain. I knew a blog would help more people than the handful of people in my life. Whatever my motives were, or people think, my blog has helped many people. And that's enough for me to keep writing. Even if it feels repetitive at times.

If you have never had a panic attack, it doesn't just end when it's over. My body, emotions and brain will be tense and sensitive for many days after. In those few days after my panic attack I saw something on social media that upset me. In my weakened emotional state made my funk last longer. A mutual friend had posted a picture of Sam. It brought up emotions and thoughts I don't normally have. If I were to dwell on my past and all the unanswered questions I would be a bitter miserable person. However seeing the picture brought back all the questions and emotions. When I think about it now I don't really care. It doesn't normally affect me. I was only in a raw state coming off a panic attack. I hate that it affected me at all. But it did.

I'm not ashamed that I have a failed marriage in my past. But sometimes I wish I has more time to explain to people when I see the judgment in their eyes. For instance the guy who was filling out my passport application when he said, "well one name change is allowed, but with two marriages we need legal documentation." I wanted to tell him how I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough. I wanted to tell him all the horrible things Sam had done to me. But I didn't say a word. I have encounters like that occasionally. People see me and are shocked that someone so young is already on a second marriage. I can see them trying to look into my eyes and figure out what is wrong with me. If I have a chance I try to say a little bit, but normally I just have to deal with their judgmental looks.

There are still bad day. But I try my best to keep them to myself. Because I am so happy, I can't and I won't let my old demons from my past affect my present. Because then they win, and I will not allow that.

I have never shared this next part with anyone not even Jason until he proof read this. I'm not quite sure what the point of it is yet. But there has to be a nugget of something in here somewhere. Since I started this blog to raise awareness of what really goes on in a divorce and how we can help those suffering. I should probably share all of my struggles. (Which I am an open book, except for the sexual abuse details, that stuff belongs in coffee shop conversations, not the Internet.)

I have done lots of reading on PTSD. You don't have to be a war veteran to have a form of it. You don't have to have physical bruises to be a victim of domestic violence. The farther and farther I get away from Sam and our actual divorce date the farther I get away from my PTSD like symptoms. It's a long process on the road back to 'normal',  I'm never going to give up. 

I was so stressed and scared when I was married to Sam. Subconsciously I knew he was full of crap, but I think I was so determined to make my marriage work I convinced myself everything was ok. I just refused to think about it. However, I could not sleep. As I would lay in bed at night my mind would race and try to figure out all the loose ends from his stories that didn't add up. When I did get to sleep I would have one of two nightmares.

In the first dream there was a car accident and Sam died. I was all alone. After burying my husband I discovered I was pregnant with his son. I moved back into his parents house. After a few years a guy from my highschool days whom I never had a relationship with started trying to pursue me and my new child. In the second dream I did not move in with his parents when I found out I was pregnant. Instead I stayed in my home and raised our son alone, and a year later a guy that I knew from around town was the one wanting to start to date me. The endings to the dreams were always different. But the beginnings were always the same. A tragic sudden accident, a son, and another guy later. (Side note, this is why I am 100% convinced the child I miscarried when I was with Sam was a boy)

I guess I dreamed it one night and actually felt rested when I woke up. I discovered when I was having trouble sleeping if I would replay it in my mind and I would fall asleep almost immediately. Most nights I would wake up from this dream sobbing. I wouldn't know what was reality when I woke up. I took a minute or two to remember where I was.

Why did I have this reoccurring nightmare of Sam dying? Why did replaying it in my head when I couldn't sleep relax me enough to let me fall asleep? For real it left me with tons of questions that I bet a professional psychologist could tell me what it all meant. If I was sleeping at a friends house or somewhere far away from Sam, I was fine. But when I was home where Sam was the only time I was able to sleep without having this emotional dream was if I was drinking before bed. Needless to say, I began drinking regularly just so I could get some sleep. And when the guy I was dating started picking up on this was happening to me at home, he got me a key to his house and told me to stay there whenever I needed to. (He worked over nights and was never there)

I remember the first night Jason stayed over. I had fallen asleep on the couch during a movie, so he was making his move to head home. Something about Jason and who he is relaxes me and can calm me down just from being near him. Because I realized it was so easy for me to sleep with him there, I asked him to stay. He stayed with me that night. We did not do much sleeping though. We stayed up talking most of the night. He shared with me his past and I told him details about my past I had never told a soul even to this day.  He wrapped his huge arms around me and I felt completely safe for honestly the first time in my life as I lay there in his arms. We might have only slept a few hour that night, but I remember it was the most restful sleep I had in a long time. I woke up feeling completely renewed. 

Where am I going with this post? I don't have a freaking clue! I do know now that my sleep is limited being a wife, mother, employee and home owner, I have the most wonderful sleep when I get the chance. I never have to fake a alternate reality. If I have trouble falling asleep I just think back to the whirlwind romance of Jason and I falling in love, and bam! I'm out. My reality is my dream, I don't have to try to convince my mind to relax by false daydreams.

Weddings like crazy in my family this spring. My sister married a wonderful man this past weekend. A man who I am obsessed with for her. I told her when he asked her out I needs a 3 page paper on all his flaws so I can be realistic about him as a human. (She hasn't done that yet, I bet after a year of marriage she could do it.) My brother gets married next month. I'm also obsessed with his lady. Every time she opens her mouth I fall even more in love with her. Major plus, I'm no longer the weird one in the family because she is crazy! 

Of course in all the toasts and wedding festivities everyone is giving the couples marriage advice. No one said anything bad, but the couples aren't listening. Not because they weren't paying attention, but I promise you, they won't remember a word anyone said the whole weekend. So I didn't give them any advise. Except to call me when they feel alone and scared things are failing, because I have been there. So they don't have to do it alone.

So here is my marriage advise, for my sister and her husband, my brother and his wife, and the whole rest of the world because apparently I am a blogger. And everyone wants to hear what a girl who was divorced at the age of 24 has to say about marriage. (Yes that was sarcasm)

You are both going to fail each other. Both of y'all will break each other's hearts. You wont be able to keep every word of your vows every day, you are human. Some failures will be bigger than others, but whatever you do, whatever happens. NEVER LIE ABOUT IT. Don't try to hide your failures. Your spouse does not expect you to be perfect. Anything can be worked through and fixed if you are both committed to fix whatever issues that come up. But if you lie about it, there is no coming back from that. Once I had been lied to so many times by Sam, I was at the point where even if he did start telling the truth, I would never be able to trust that it was truth. Once trust is broken, it will never be the same as it was. Just never lie!!!

So Brother and Sister, If things start looking bad for you and your spouse and one of you isn't fighting for your marriage. Don't be surprised when I show up at your door and ask you some rough questions. I wish someone would have come into my home, grabbed Sam by the neck and said, "You promised, I heard you on your wedding day make all those promises, why are you treating her like this?" His dad did do that. His dad asked him the hard questions. His dad yelled at him. His dad also asked me the hard questions, and yelled at me when I did my stupid things. Because he really cared. He was fighting for his family. Unfortunately his dad and I lost the war. But you better believe, I'll fight for you, I'll fight for your marriage. Because it's important. It's a family thing, and I care.

Most people don't realize they are in abusive relationships. Or they don't want to admit it because once a person admits it, then they need to do something about it. I'm not a professional therapist. I'm just a girl who has been through it (not just with my ex husband, but other people in my life as well) and I have a heart for those hurting in this way. Sometimes I hear people mention little things about their relationship to me. I wonder if it is a cry for help or if they are just talking. It's hard to walk up to someone and ask them if they need help if you aren't 100% sure. Either they wouldn't know what you are talking about, or they will get mad and defensive. People don't like talking about it. So if you know me and ever want to talk about it, please do. I would love to grab a coffee and listen. I complied a list of signs from my life, and from all my reading and studying other smarter people's opinions. 

-You have communication problems. Your feelings are never heard. It's always about them. Do you completely avoid topics? Do you spend more time figuring out how to word something than actually having the conversation?

-You make excuses for them about the way they treat you. All relationships have times when one is going through a difficult or stressful time. At that time yes the other partner might not be on their best behavior towards those closest to them. But stress at work, family or friends should never be an excuse to tear down your partner. There is a huge difference between discussing a issue your partner has in order to help them be better, and tearing them apart for every little thing.

-Between the times they are tearing you down are they overly nice to you? It's confusing. One day they can be screaming and hate you. But the next it's overly sweet and romantic. 

-They never admit they have a problem. The way you feel is always your fault. Sometimes the way they treat you is so minor it's hard to verbalized without feeling like you are being petty, so it's easy to believe you are the issue. 

-They won't see a therapist with you, or they fake who they are for the therapist. It's very normal to have issues. Needing some therapy or a third party to talk with is not a bad thing. It's a huge red flag if your partner will not go to counseling with you. Your partner should be willing to work on whatever needs to be worked on for a successful marriage. If one is unhappy, the other should be willing to figure out why and how to help.

-You constantly feel you are walking on eggshells. If you say or do one slightly 'wrong' thing it will cause a war. They will manipulate anything you say against you. Basically no matter how hard you try, there will be a fight and nothing you say will ever be right.

-They are obsessed with control. They have to get their way and run every aspect of both m your lives. If they are not getting their way, they make everyone around them miserable.

-They have no empathy, for you or your feelings or anyone else's. The only thing that matters is how they feel. And if you are the one with a crisis in your life, they will somehow turn it around to their crisis. You will then be comforting and taking care of them when you are the one needing comfort.

-There is a 'dark cloud' over you too. When people are around you they can feel the tension. They don't like it, so most people avoid both of you. Normally people close to you can more objectively see there is a problem before the ones involved because their emotions aren't tied to it. It's hard to tell someone you love you think they are being abused. It's easier to pull away from that person then have a hard conversation that might be taken badly.

-Is your relationship 50/50? Common marriage advice is that marriages are 100/100. When one person is having a issue (like a sickness or loss of a job) the other should pick up the slack. Get a job, do more around the house. Because in life pretty sure eventually the tables will turn and your partner will pick up your slack when you are sick or out of work. In a healthy marriage both work hard to do everything for the other. But if your partner doesn't put in their half, but they expect you to put in not just your half, but their half too. An abusive relationship is more like 100/0.  

If you feel these describe your relationship. You need help. Your partner needs help. However if they will not admit it and refusing help. There is nothing you can do. It's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve them to treat you this way. You have probably spend many years convincing yourself that it is normal. Many people believe because they married them means they have to stay married and deal with it. Each person has to get to the point where they feel leaving is right. People can tell them that they need to leave. But if they didn't make that decision for themselves, they will end up taking them back. I know, as someone who lived with an abusive person for years it's not easy. There will be some hard months after you've made the decision and leave. But there is a great deal of real joy and freedom you will experience after freeing yourself from the chains of an abusive relationship. 

Everyone has scars from their past that affects their present. Some scars are huge and noticeable. Some are so small you have to look hard to see it. 

Not sure if I have mentioned it much, but Jason was married before as well. He didn't sign up to have his past broadcast over the Internet, so I'll keep it short and sweet. He had to get in his ex's purse once and found  something that made him suspect something terrible. It was a total blindside. He wanted to do the work and fix whatever the issues were. But shortly after that she demanded a divorce. And was never willing to speak to him after that. It destroyed him; it was a total blindside. The people who knew him at that time have shared with me how tough it was for him. Jason and I discussed to great lengths what he thinks went wrong and why she left. Since she never really talked to him, all he can do is speculate. Which I think he speculated correctly. But nothing concrete, so that's all I will share.

His divorce was so long ago (he was getting divorced as I was getting married, I find that ironic) that when we ran into her recently, he said he had no feelings of any kind. It was like any other old acquaintance he might have run into. But that doesn't mean he doesn't still have scars from his nightmare. He will not under any circumstance look in my purse. I asked him about it one day after we had been together a while. I had noticed that he would never get me anything out of my purse, he would instead bring it to me. I told him tampons are in the side zipper, so if that was what he was scared of, he could avoid them. He shared with me the details of what he found in his ex's purse. I don't push him about it, it's not really even a big deal. But knowing how his ex made him feel emotionally. From what he has told me, and his moms and sisters. I know that I need be aware of how I treat him and make sure I never do anything to make him feel the way him and his family felt with her. 

When it comes to dealing with a spouses past scars I defiantly have an easier load than Jason. Jason has got to deal with my severe panic disorder. From what happened to me as a child sexually and emotionally, and then trying to work through abuse issues with someone who was in the process of abusing me really messed with my brain. While I'm over Sam, and moved on, my scars don't go away. My attacks are getting fewer and farther between. But sometimes something will trigger and I can't control it. I literally can't breathe, I can't stop shaking, I can't think rationally.

Generally I can understand why something has triggered an attack and know why it's irrational. Part of my therapy was learn to separate myself from the situation and look at it from a different perspective. Generally my triggers are something finance related. Or an unknown phone call. A situation that makes me uncomfortable, or one that reminds me of the life I had when I was married to Sam. 

Just yesterday we were driving home from our Valentine outing. Jason got pulled over for speeding. Unfortunately our insurance cards are out of date. We have insurance. It comes out automatically every month but for some reason we never got an updated card last time. No big deal, just got to call and correct it and get the new cards. Jason went to the store a little later. I was cooking him dinner, candles, the whole romantic Valentine thing. I called him and I thought when I heard him get in the car that meant he was on his way home. So I set the food to be ready as soon as he walked in the door. A few minutes after he should have been home I plated the food and pored the wine. I called him about 7 times. No answer. He was now way past 20 minutes later than it takes to get from the store to our house.  Basically I believed he was dead on the side of the road. Or I was going to get a call saying I needed to get to the hospital immediately. Then suddenly I remembered the encounter with the police and we couldn't show proof of our insurance. What if he had not been paying our bills and realizing he was about to get caught he ran off? Then I was going to be sitting in a hospital with a dying husband finding out he was lying to me too.

Jason finally called me back. I thought he was on his way home. But he had made another stop. NOW he was on his way home. I was in tears, Peyton was so confused. I thought when I answered the phone it would be a police officer saying they took him to the hospital. Later that night I told Jason why I got so worked up. He died laughing at the complete ridiculous story I had made up. First of all, our bank account says, "Allstate" when the money comes out. How could he fake that. Secondly, we HAVE to have insurance because we are still paying for our jeep or they would come repossess our car. I had a good laugh too. We only laughed bout it because in the emotional moment I did not accuse him of anything, because I knew I was completely insane. He has learned when I say and feel things like that, I'm not comparing him to Sam or accusing him of lying, but Im just very damaged. 

Jason and I speak completely different languages. We've had difficulties communicating at times. And it causes arguments. But we've learned in the end we are generally saying the same thing. (Worlds most brilliant couple right here) there are many times I feel he is hiding something from me. Or that he doesn't love me anymore. He gets upset because he thinks I am being ridiculous. (I generally am. See above story) It took a while for us to learn how to talk to each other in these moments. But I think we are figuring out how to communicate better. And help each other in our insecurities, without fighting or saying something to make it worse.