She Found Her Wings

I started reading romance novels. (Not because I wanted to, because those are the books that are free on iBooks)  It's so easy to hold when I rock Peyton to sleep or on breaks at work. I always have my phone. I don't always carry books around. Everyone has got crazy annoying on social media with their politics, religion and selling things. I couldn't stand it anymore. 

I remember growing up being taught romance novels were bad. "Christians shouldn't read those". Their argument being it gives girls unrealistic expectations of men. I understand the point of view because I was raised in the conservative Christian bubble. But truthfully I think it's a bit silly. High expectations are good, as long as you understand no man will be live up to them. If we taught young adults to expect the best, but know there will be failures. I think less young women would settle for the first guy who gives them attention. Instead they would actually wait for the guy who is going to treat them with respect. When you grow up hearing fairy tales and love stories are not real life, you don't wait for true love. You take what you get.

After I left my husband I mentioned a had several flings. My best friend got a new boyfriend she wanted me to meet. I have known her since 3rd grade we knew each other through all of our boy stages. I have never seen her more happy and alive. She was more Nancy then I had ever seen her. We had dinner together and had a fabulous time. I could tell in the first few minutes of meeting Stoney they had one of those once in a life time loves. I can't put my finger on what it was, but I knew he was the real deal. After dinner he decided it was time for them to set me up with one of his friends. We all went bowling and the guys planned a weekend on the lake. We texted the few weeks leading up to our planned weekend (I lived out of town). Him and I both knew nothing would ever happen between us, we were just two people hanging out with mutual friends. I  can't put my finger on it exactly but in the way he treated me that weekend I knew that true love was out there somewhere for me. I did not have an ounce of hope there was a man who could be my knight in shinning armor until that weekend. He was out there somewhere, I wasn't going to ever settle again.

I enjoy getting lost in romantic stories. I believe with all my heart that Jason is my soul mate and one true love. Every time I see him my heart smiles and I get warm fussy feelings and butterfly's described in cheesy romance books. (Those feelings I was taught as a kid aren't real). I love that we work in the same place, every time I walk past him my heart smiles. When I just hear his voice over the intercom I can't help but relax at the sound of his voice. Is our story of how we met was crazy controversial and weird. But it was our's and looking back it is perfect. I can't imagine how it could have been better. I remember talking to Nancy on the phone really soon after Jason and I got together. I told her, "I found my Stoney." 

If I could tell young adults anything. It would be to wait for the real deal. If you have any doubts if it's real or just convenient. Wait.

Jason had told me he didn't want to get involved with a married women. I respected that. Once he slowly started learning more about why I was still married and my situation, he realized he wouldn't be in the way of two people working on their struggling marriage. Then he changed how he treated me. He started pursuing me.

Jason was one of the people who helped me move. He stayed after everyone else headed home to help me get the furniture where I wanted it. He left after I took him out to lunch for helping me. He texted me later that day to ask how I was doing. I was honest and told him not good. I felt with him I could share how I was feeling and processing my divorce. Because he had gone through it, I knew he would understand. I was nervous about being alone in a very sketchy neighborhood. He offered to come over and bring some movies to help me feel safer. (He lived 40 min away)

We laid on separate sides of the couch, and when the last movie was over he made a move. That was the single greatest kiss in the history of the world if I do say so myself. Even to this day I will smile and tell him to kiss me like the first time. He always responds with, "that's a lot to live up to." 

He went home that night, then came back the next day. From that moment on he never left. We were only apart when we went to work, which ironically is the same place. We didn't sleep much for two weeks because we stayed up just talking. We shared our stories, past hurts and failures and future dreams. It was so strange, this was a man I hardly knew, yet he understood me deeper than anyone ever. I shared with him him details about my abuse I never told anyone before.

Two weeks into our relationship Jason asked me if we were exclusive. I responded with, "When do you have time for anyone else?" That was the end of that.

A few days later I told him I wanted to say something, but was scared it was to soon and creepy. He responded with, "I love you too"

To be perfectly honest, if I hadn't been 'married' we would have gone off and eloped in the first month we were together. So we planned to go to the court house the week after my divorce went through. We got a full year to get to know each other and even though we had no doubts, we were able to know this is real not just a passing feeling.  

He gave me a beautiful pink ring that his mothers gave him for me as a promise ring. He told me he didn't want to officially propose until my divorce was final. But in our minds we were already married, we made those promises to each other. I got him a promise ring as well. The legal side didn't matter to us. We would make it official when we could. 

After several months we had the baby talk. We both always wanted kids. We were as ready as we could ever be. We decided to stop preventing and start trying. We assumed it could be years because of how long it took me to get pregnant before. We had no expectations. First month of trying we were pregnant. If that's not a miracle or sign from God I don't know what is. I took one test at night and it was vague. I took another one the next morning while Jason was still asleep. I crawled back into bed and told him it was positive. He wrapped his arms around me and said, "I told you I have bad ass swimmers, now go back to sleep."

Our relationship isn't by the book. It's a little crazy. We had tons of judgment. It probably didn't help we worked together. We got even more when we got pregnant. I wanted to wear a shirt everyday that said, "this wasn't an accident". It was tough hearing criticism. I even had one person we work with suggest an abortion. I should have slapped her. Jason and I have never been more confident in anything. I wasn't going to put my life on hold waiting for a piece of paper from a judge.

I remember the first day I laid eyes on Jason. I was working at a different store during their expansion. I remember seeing him and he looked up and smiled at me. He said, "You are doing great here." I thought it was strange. He worked back in the frames dept, He didn't know what I was doing. But something about that exchange I knew he was a special man. I thought to myself, "If I could go back and start all over. He would be the kind of man I would want to marry." That freaked me out, as far as I knew at that moment I was happily married. I hadn't the foggiest clue about this guy, that was our first conversation. 

Fast forward several months. I had transferred to that store. Every time I would walk past him he would smile and talk to me. He was friendly to everyone, I didn't think anything of it.

Almost as soon as I transferred stores is when Sam and I split up. One of the times I walked past the frames table one of the ladies asked me a question about my husband. I told her we were getting divorced. She apologized for asking. Jason was standing there and when I walked off I heard him tell her, "she hasn't been wearing her rings for a few days." What kind of a guy notices the day a woman takes off her wedding ring? Why was he paying attention to me? 

I asked Jason about it after we got together. he said he noticed me the first day I was there and was excited that our boss finally hired a cute girl. Then he saw I was wearing a wedding ring and thought, "typical, all the good ones are taken."

My friends I had made there knew I thought Jason was the kind of guy I wanted to marry and that I had a crush. They told me he flirted with me different then him just being nice to everyone. I knew I was not acting like the kind of girl he would ever consider. Any hints I would drop about how I was dating and available, he ignored. We would go eat together when our lunch breaks were at the same time. Every time we went he would always drive, open doors and pray before we ate. It was so odd to me. He was a co worker, he didn't know me at all. And every time he would pray for me about very specific things and ask about how I was doing. Never once did he ever say or do anything that caused me to think he cared any more than just being a co-worker friend.

One day I worked up the nerve to ask him out. I asked him to go see Batman with me. I hadn't seen it yet, and it is my favorite super hero. He said sure, and we made plans. I had never asked a guy out before. It was a rush. (I recommend all girls do it if they have the chance.) He texted me that afternoon and made me think he forgot. Then at the last min he told me he was kidding. He showed up a few minutes late, I had already bought our tickets because I HATE being late to movies. (An argument we still have everytime we go see a movie) I felt someone could have cut the tension with a knife through the whole movie. He walked me to my car and opened and shut my door for me. About an hour after I got home he texted me and said, "sorry if things are weird. I really like you, but I'm a bad guy. I would hurt you. My ex wife cheated on me. I won't do that to someone else."

That was completely respectable. I understood. I didn't for a second believe he was a bad guy though. Obviously nothing was going to happen, and not long after that I started dating the other guy. However I couldn't keep my mind off Jason. Somehow without him doing a thing, he had worked his way into my heart. I was in love. But I knew with the way I was living, I would never deserve him.  

The year we had to be roommates we split all the bills in half. That was one of the reasons we couldn't get separate places, one of us couldn't afford it on our own. It really was no surprise when he didn't pay his half for the last few months. I of course kept track of what he owed me and he kept telling me he would get my money to me. One day after we had moved out he met me at the bank with a check for it all. I should have demanded he go in and get me cash but I told him if it bounced I would turn him in. He promised it was good. I deposited it. It bounced. But not after it had cleared in my account for a week. My account went under despite me calling the bank saying it hadn't been pending for several days before I spent it. (I booked a cruise with the money, something I always wanted to do but thought was impossible.)

When I found out, I cried. Not because he had lied to me me again, but because I fell for it. The guy broke into my car to steal my debit card, and I was stupid enough to trust him again. I turned him in. Lucky for me he wrote in the memo it was for bills, otherwise they couldn't have done anything. It took several months, but I got my check from the police for my money. 

I decided then I would never allow him to affect me, I didn't even shed a tear the day I got divorced. (I'll get into later). He doesn't deserve to be able to control me or my emotions. He continued doing things that were despicable, but I learned to expect it, laugh at his ridiculousness and get on with my life. I taught myself to expect lies, and not be blinded by wanting to believe he had changed. He will never change.

I can imagine only one reason I would ever be affected. What will I feel when he moves on, if he changes and settles down with someone else. I hope he does turn into a responsible adult and finds the happiness I have found. But I will wonder what it is about her that I didn't have. Why wasn't I enough for him? I'm a woman, we always compare ourselves. Those feelings will happen it's a fact. I just have to keep reminding myself that his issues are not my fault. It was never something I brought upon myself.

Finally the lease was up. I had found the cheapest apartment in town to move into.  My friends helped me move in the snow. When I went back for the last load Sam was there. He wasn't suppose to be there that day. I couldn't hold back the emotions I had been bottling up. I hugged him when I left. Knowing it was our last. He told me he was sorry for everything. I walked out the door and never looked back. 

I don't know why, but after I unpacked everything, I had to go back to the house. I sat on the floor of my empty house and lost control. I don't know how long I just sat there with my dog in my lap crying, at least a few hours. Everything I had worked for and wanted was gone. What was I suppose to do now? How do I move forward after such a terrible blow?

That was a turning point in my life that night. I don't know how to explain what happened as a lay on the floor that night, but something changed. I walked into the empty house that night a broken girl. I had so many questions, so much guilt and self doubt. But when I stood up and drove away to my new life, I was no longer a victim. I was going to survive this. I no longer felt I failed. I no longer blamed myself for his issues. They had nothing to do with me. There will always be questions, things that don't make sense to me which I will never get an explanation. I just have to be ok with that. My marriage might have failed, but I was not a failure. I had gone down swinging, I did everything I could. 

I'm not sure how to write this next part of my story. I got messy. I did not handle things properly or how I should have being a woman or a Christian. Since I am being honest about what he did to me. It is only fair I am honest about how I reacted. I don't agree with everything I thought, felt or did. I'm even embarrassed by how I acted in several situations. That's not the kind of women I am or ever want to be. Before going through it myself I would have probably scratched my head at another woman doing what I did. 

I didn't want a commitment, but I was so lonely. I couldn't trust anyone, but I wanted to have fun. Honestly I needed a distraction from what was going on at home. I had several friends with benefit relationships in the few months following. Someone always ends up with more feelings then the other in that kind of relationship. I experienced both sides of that. I drank a lot. (Nothing unhealthy or irresponsible, but way more than I ever had or ever will again.) I would always stay at my friends when I did, which means I slept at her house all the time. When I was drinking I was able to laugh about my nightmare of a situation. People liked being around "Crazy Christine". I needed to be around people.

Was I cheating on my husband? Maybe in a legal view or in some people's mind. But not to me. Sam did not respect his wedding vows he made. Why should I still live by mine? I was not going to sit at home and cry and be sad and alone for two years waiting on the legal aspect of our relationship to be resolved. He was continuing his lying, stealing and hurting me, why should I continue to fix us? If we had not had a covenant marriage license, we would have already been divorced.

I remember the day after someone else had kissed me for the first time I remember standing across the room crying begging him not to come any closer to me. I was scared of him, not because another guy had kissed me. Because I couldn't keep a secret from him for a day without it eating up up. And I didn't owe him anything. He lied to me for years while telling me he loved me. I was furious. Did he have a conscious?  How could you lie to someone you love for so long? More questions I will never have answers too. 

I often wondered why it was so easy for me to move on so fast. Was it because I didn't love Sam? I don't think so. It was because for so many years I had already been alone emotionally. He wasted years of my life while I tried to build a relationship and marriage with him. Once I realized it was never going to happen, My heart disconnected faster than I ever imagined.

I met a guy at a party. He was a sweetheart with a taste of bad boy rebel. I explained my situation to him when he asked me out. He didn't care and took me out on an incredible first date. We rode his bike out of town to the most fancy steak place I have ever been too. I had never been on a date with someone who I hadn't ever talked to. It was a new exciting experience. We continued hanging out. He was a safe place for me to escape from my reality. I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious and he agreed. He divorced a woman who was a drug addict that beat him almost to death. Once he picked to on the fact I was not safe in my house with Sam, he gave me a key to his house and told me to come an go when I needed to. He didn't want me in my house because he understood what I was going through. Many nights when I was especially anxious I would stay over at his place. He worked nights so he wasn't there much. Even though we had said we were casual, after 7 months it had become more to him. He told me he loved me. I started to feel very guilty. I cared about him so much. He was a great boyfriend and tons of fun, but we wanted different from life. I wanted kids and eventually to be able to go back to church without having a panic attack. He didn't. I realized I was using him. I felt bad for hurting him. It was never my intention. So I broke things off.

I had been in committed relationships non stop since I was 15. I had never played the field, I had never just messed around. I always wondered if I had missed out on some important part of life by settling down so young. I hadn't. Dating and being wild is way over rated. It doesn't bring any joy or fulfillment. Now I never have to wonder. I enjoyed the experience. And so many times when I was married I would wonder about the "what ifs" and felt I missed a big part of life by always being attached to someone. 

I learned valuable things for my healing by each of the relationships. Just because the relationships were meaningless and sometimes silly, doesn't mean the people were not important to me. One showed me that even though I had some dark messed up skeletons on my closet, it would not scare away a real man. One showed me in just the 48 hours we saw each other that men who respect women and treat them like a lady do exist. After that weekend I had hope about my future. Before that weekend I did not believe those kind of men existed outside of the movies. One taught me that running around and having "fun" is the farthest thing from fun. Because of him I found out who my real friends were and who was fake and would believe lies about me he spread.

After a weekend away we came home to an eviction notice on our door. I started digging to find out what happened. I saw the checks exit our bank account. Why did our landlord say they bounced? I asked Sam daily if it was him. I told him if he just fessed up we would work it out. He promised me every day it wasn't him and he was clueless. The landlord said they had a wrong number for me so they couldn't ever get a hold of me. His parents graciously gave our landlord what we owed them. We were allowed to stay. 

Where was my money going? (To this day I still don't know, I never will) I couldn't figure it out. I had the bank looking into it. One day and the manager transferred me to their loss prevention. He said he had been hoping to speak to me alone. He had videos of Sam being the one doing it. He told me to come down to his office and I could see for myself. 

I did. It was devastating. Seeing on video proof that my husband was doing fraud on our accounts in my name. I'm thankful for my friend's husband who took off work to drive me the 40 min to the main fraud office. I wouldn't have been able to do that alone. He took me back to my house to pack my bags. Sam had called on the way asking where I was. I told him I was on my way home from the bank seeing the videos. He still acted like he didn't know what I saw. He still tried to deny it. But I saw the videos. I told him it was over. I was taking my dog and staying with a friend for a few days.

There was no way to get out of the lease. There was no way Sam could move out without being on the streets. So I decided we could be roommates. He moved to the spare room. It was seriously the worst experience ever. It was not healthy for either of us. I spent every waking moment at work or at a friends house. Finally he was able to stay with friends. My anxiety calmed down. I was able to feel some peace and start to heal. Then he had a court date which I knew nothing about. The judge put him on house arrest instead of putting him in jail. I didn't have a choice. He was back and so was my anxiety.